EP 131
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
When I'm doing a presentation, I always find somebody who has been chatting with me or that just looks friendly, and I say, can I dub you the booger patrol? And they look at me like what? I say to them, if there's something coming out of my nose or something else that I should be aware of before I go on stage could you please tell me? And they giggle and laugh. They think it's very funny, and I say to myself, I really hope they're taking me seriously, because I really mean it. And so sometimes I'll even say that, like, please tell me if there's something that you know it's gonna gonna look be distracting when I'm on stage. Now, this topic of giving feedback, right?
I've talked a lot in other podcasts about getting feedback, but we're equally we doubt about giving feedback, especially with things like this, that there's something on somebody's face or, you know, some food on their clothes or whatever do you tell that person? And of course, there's context here. You know if it's your colleague at work, maybe if it's your relative, depending on who that is, I know if it's my sister, she'd be the first to tell me you got crap on yourself, right? You know she will tell me. You know, your glasses are so dirty, but most people won't, and I sometimes can't see it, you know, looking out. I know that sometimes when you have makeup, if you're a woman, you have makeup that's smudged, eye makeup or what have you. Not everybody's going to tell you that, right? And then you look in the mirror and you're like, Why didn't anyone tell me that? So it's such a strange thing, right? Like, what are we afraid of?
In fact, we'll go to such extreme to even make up a story. I was in Croatia this summer, and I use a particular product. I'm not going to give them a shout out one way or another, because I don't want to have any liability. But it's a sunscreen that has, it's a tinted sunscreen, so some color in it, and I really like it, because it does double duty, right? That kind of looks like a little bit of foundation, but it also gives all that sunscreen protection. So at any rate, I was out. We went on a boat exploration, and we had gotten friendly with some of the other people on this tour with us. And there was a young woman in her early 20s who was very into fashion and makeup and all kinds of things. And she was beautiful. She was a very stunning young woman. Crazy, I should say I like to party hard, but, and that's not crazy. That's just, you know what it was. But needless to say, we were on the boat, we're just chatting, and somebody said, you would you like some more sunscreen? I said, No, I've got some stuff on my face and and I don't know how we got talking about it, but needless to say, I said, I really love this one sunscreen, because it has the double duty in it, so to speak. And the young woman said, oh, oh, my brother uses that too, but he has such a hard time blending it in. And at the time, I was like, not really taken by and of course, afterwards, I realized what she was trying to tell me is that I hadn't blended it well, right now, why would she make up a story like that? And brother was sitting right next to her, and he was like, oh yeah, that happened to me, and I'm like, guys, all you have to say is, you have a little to blend on the side, or, you know, on the side, she could have, like, whispered in my ear. You didn't blend it on the side very well, right? What? What's the big deal? But she had to make the story so that maybe I would get the idea. I'm not really sure. Maybe she was just saying it to embarrass me. I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Needless to say, my point here is that when we're trying to tell somebody something like that, again, maybe they have something on their glasses or their face. Why do we like hesitate to tell them? Right now, it's funny, because you think the older you get, particularly older women, they're going to be the first ones to tell you, get schmutz on you, right? But what about telling somebody that they are doing something that they're not self aware about. So something like, maybe they're wearing too much makeup all the time, right? It's none of your business if they think they like it or they want to look like that. That's not really your business, but maybe it's something that like, literally, is causing them not to get a particular kind of work, job promotion, right? You're their boss. Maybe you're their friend, and they can't understand what's happening. So maybe it's what they're wearing on their face, on their body. It could, it could be anything, right? But suggesting some of those things may be awkward. What if, if they're not self aware, and they've said something to somebody that really offended that other person, or could have offended the other person, do you tell that friend or colleague, hey, you know what you said could be not so nice.
What if that person in the meeting said something really inappropriate, in the site, you know, maybe it was misogynistic or anti semitic or something that could have been construed in a way that really could have hurt somebody, maybe if they weren't somebody who may not even been in the room, but just in the future, to let that person know, saying something like that is just not cool. You know, again, I challenge you to think, would you stand up to that person, even if it was privately, and say, not cool, dude. Not cool, darling.
Now, one of my favorite stories, and I should say fables/tales is the Emperor Has New Clothes, right? And if you remember that story, if you're familiar with it, it's all about an emperor gets swindled into believing he's buying clothes with this magical yarn that's invisible, but that he is fully covered, and he's going to march in this parade and really dazzle everyone. And nobody tells the king that he's naked, that he's been swindled, except the little boy in the crowd you have no clothes on. And so this is a societal issue, right? The grown ups around him are too embarrassed to say, hey, King, we can see your underwear. And, you know, I think about it. Why? Why do we why do we get so nervous, embarrassed to tell somebody something like that? Are you afraid they're not going to like us? I have some news. If somebody doesn't tell me that I've got something on my glasses or on my face, and they could have easily, you're right, I'm not going to like you as much. But telling me is a good thing, you know, what is it going to cost us to just let somebody know to give them some feedback? Yes, unsolicited feedback, and not asking to be their booger patrol, right? But some kind of feedback that says, hey, you know, heads up, you got XYZ. You're not blending your makeup well, you're not whatever. It really rattles our sense of belonging. You know, are they going to not like me if I tell them? Is it any of my business? Is it safer for me to not say anything? Let somebody else tell them? Hmm. Well, you know, there are ways you can make it a little bit more comfortable for yourself and the other person. And you know, I'm going to give them to you, but first we're going to give a little advertiser love. So we'll be right back with those ideas.
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Alyssa Dver:
So I have a motto that I really live by. Which is not so much that the Truth always wins, but it's a lot easier to tell the truth in a humble, authentic way than try and wrap it in some kind of a story or blanket. Yeah, my brother put that sunscreen on. No, he didn't. All right, so how are we going to tell somebody something like that that is a little uncomfortable or awkward for us and not make it so icky for both you and the person receiving that feedback? Well, let's start with the truth like I said, I certainly would want to know. So I'm telling you just to state it like that, you know, I would really want somebody to tell me that my sunscreen wasn't blended well, or that I have stuff on my glasses, or that my makeup is running down my face. I would really want somebody to tell me so I'm letting you know that's a very easy way to do it right. Totally honest, totally transparent. That person may get embarrassed, right, depending on what it is, booger hanging out of their nose, certainly little embarrassing, but they're better off knowing and fixing than walking around the rest of the day and then wondering why nobody told them. Right?
Another approach is you could say you can take or leave this feedback that I want to give you, and then give them the feedback, right? So you're saying to them, I I'm not going to be offended if you ignore this. Now, it's a little weird if somebody's got a booger hanging out of their nose or something on their glasses, to say, take or leave it. But something like the examples I gave before somebody in a meeting that says something that you feel like they were not aware or should be more aware of the impact of what their words are. You could start it with, take or leave this feedback right, gives them that agency, so that they get not so defensive, perhaps in allowing them to make a choice if they're going to accept or not accept your feedback. Right?
Now, there's probably 100 other ways to do this, and I would love to get some feedback from you all on ways that you've approached this kind of funny situation. Suffice to sell, to say, tell somebody that they've got something going on. Make it not so much about I want to embarrass them or anything else like that, but the fact of the matter is that they would want to know. So be a little brave. Be a little courageous. Be confident and tell them hey, that sunscreen you're wearing, it's not blended, right? God forbid they have a booger. They're going to want to know. All right, my friends, thank you for tuning in. I know this was kind of a silly episode in many ways, but so serious that understanding and helping other people with feedback can really be such a superpower. So go out and use it!
Before we totally wrap up. I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceinstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute.
