EP 129
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
I'm going to ask some seemingly innocent questions, but I want you to really think hard about them. First one is, what do you worry about? Do you worry about how you look, how you dress, your hair, your makeup, your nails, your car, what you're driving? Do you worry about what people think about your house, how it looks, how it's organized? Or maybe you're a rebel, maybe you don't care, and you just go out of your way to make it clear that you don't care what other people think.
What about the way you communicate? You know, everybody wants to believe they're self aware, and communication is a very big piece of this. So how careful are you when you write something, an email, a text? Do you think about the different ways that other people could be interpreting it? What about when you present, if you are one of the 30% I guess I don't even know what the percentage is anymore, that are actually not terrified of presenting? You felt still probably worry about a little bit about how it goes right, and if you are in that 70% you're terrified. You know about what people are going to think. Am I going to look like a fool? Am I saying the right information? Am I accurate? Am I going to get challenged? Am I going to be perceived to be strong, weak? What? Same thing in meetings. Are you afraid to raise your hand? Or do you somebody who dominates can't help yourself? And do you think about these things on a regular basis? Do you worry about them? Or maybe you're somebody who just stays quiet and tries to stay under the radar, so to speak, so that people don't notice you and just assume, or kind of think that you're a quiet person getting your job done. And you think that's a good strategy.
A lot of people that I love very much, I would consider enablers and givers. You know you can label them any way you want, but I'm sure a lot of the time their brain is consumed with worrying that they're not giving enough- giving enough to charity, for example, or giving enough praise to somebody, giving enough gifts, not doing enough for somebody else because they want other people to be happy and feel good, and it's all beautiful. But then there's people on the opposite end of the spectrum, right? That just kind of self centered, minding their own business, whatever you want to consider it, but they just kind of do their own thing. And I think all these different labels and types of people and behaviors in many ways, we either think they're great and good and positive or that's just the way the person is. We kind of like justify in ways that we don't really think about it for ourselves, and how are we behaving in a way that is serving who we are and what we want to be known for, as opposed to trying to please others and that pleasing of others, and I'm realize it may be a little broken record after 100 plus podcast is that ability to have people love us for what we do for them, or how we make them feel, is not a bad thing at all. It's a beautiful thing, but it is our need to belong.
It's our need to feel that we matter, that feeds that. And so the biggest question of all is, are you sacrificing your authentic self if you throw in another label, throw in what you really want to do and be? Are you sacrificing that for the sake of belonging? Are you sacrificing it for the sake of having other people accept you? Now, that's attention, right? That's something those are like at opposite ends, pulling on each other. You know, I don't really want to do X, but if I don't do X, people are going to think less of me, and so what do I do? And that that's really where the core question, that core issue of confidence, comes from, right? It's that decision that I'm going to do whatever it is either I'm going to do the thing that people want me to do, or I'm not going to do that, and being okay with it, managing that paradox is what confidence is all about. And I think what helps, I know what helps is making the judgment more objectively. Right? Everything I talk about is kind of taking the information, looking at it in a way that objectifies it, so that you can really make a decision based on facts, not feelings, and then add your feelings on top, right, because they get mixed in, and it's really hard to be smart. I won't even say objective, because I want you to be subjective and objective.
But you know when you're making decisions, and let's just say, for example, you have a friend whose birthday it is and you forgot and you want to send them something, but you know it's going to cost a bazillion dollars, and you don't have a lot of money right now, and you're struggling to say, What should I do? You know, can I send them an E-card or do something that's cheaper and easier? Or do I have to really get some flowers sent or something? Because they're a good friend, and they do that for you, and you feel obligated to do something for them. And I think that in that moment again, you get all mushy between, what should I do, what could I do, what do I want to do, and what is really the outcome of those actions? Is it that it makes me feel better that I was a good friend, or does it make that friend happy, right? It's all that bush together, and it's really hard to think it through. It's hard to say what's the right answer, but when you go back to the basics of, why do I feel badly? What am I worried about? What do I feel guilty about?
Guilt is a beautiful tool. We just don't use it very well. Guilt is that ultimate metric that's telling us we're doing something or we didn't do something, that our authentic self is yelling at us, going, you should have done this, or you should do this, right? But there's something else pulling it in a different direction, and that's the guilt. That's what our guilt is. It's the same feeling when somebody gives you negative feedback and you get defensive, because you know that they're right, but you're trying to protect yourself. You're trying to protect that ego, that sense of righteousness that gets in the way of really what we want to be so living aligned with our value is very easy to say, right? It's so easy to say, but when you have this consistent and constant pull between what I want to do as who I am and what I want to represent versus what the rest of the world, including that friend whose birthday I missed, or that manager who I don't like, or whoever it might be, a mother, a parent, relative, a friend, you know anyone, I'm trying to make them happy. I want to belong. That can be really exhausting, right?
So wouldn't it be cool if we could telepathically. This is would be my superpower if I had to, if I had the opportunity to choose it telepathically, just make everybody love us, right? Who we are, what we are, what we do, what we don't do. Wouldn't that be cool? It would certainly make it a much nicer place on Earth, right? Wouldn't matter if we were Democratic or Republican, what religion we were, what culture, that would be so cool, right? It's just absolute belonging across the board. That would be my wish. That's always my wish. That's what I work for. But I don't know how practical. It is to make everybody like that, but let's just say for a minute, that was true, and you didn't have to worry about what other people thought about you. It was just about what you wanted to do that would make you happy. That's a cool thought, right?
Again, maybe not practical, but I think it's practical in the sense that it gives you that answer of, you know what? What do I want to do? I love this person, and I love being with this person, so maybe I will say I missed your birthday and I feel terrible, but I'd really like to take you out to dinner so we can spend some quality time catching up. Not a bad thing, right? I think we worry a lot. I know we worry a lot. I keep saying I think I don't know why, maybe it's just that moment of doubt myself, but we really look at how we can fit in, and we use so much cognitive energy in that way that I would say, boy, we be so much smarter. We could do so much better in other ways, if we didn't have this overhead, if we weren't constantly worried about what other people thought about us, I also know that that level of I don't really care as much what other people think about me is super sexy. People are so attracted to it. Now it's funny, because yes, we are attracted to people who are enablers that want to help us, that want to compliment us, that want to make us feel good. We're attracted to that. And I say attracted like we like to be surrounded by those people, but we would never want to partner with them. And I say never. I shouldn't say that my husband's a big enabler, but it's a different kind of enabling. I'm talking about people who just kind of, you know, want to make life easy for us. That is, it's lovely. It's great to have in your staff. It's great to have in your friendships, in the way that you know. I think it's nice to have people who want to take care of you, but it's not attractive, like sexy. What's attractive, like sexy is that one person, that female or that male or non-binary, that basically doesn't care what other people think they're like. This is who I am. Take it or leave it, and inevitably, we all want to take it because it's so powerful. Now, do they have those moments where they worry about what other people think? Yes, absolutely, we all do. But they also have the power to stand back and say, hmm, that doesn't jive with who I am. I'm not going to do that. Whatever it is, buy the next round of drinks, go put on a different outfit, worry about my hair to the point where I won't go out. Right? They don't do those things because at the core, they're really comfortable with who they are. As usual, I'm going to give you a couple tips. They're simple, easy, painless, instant, and I'm going to do it right after the break. We'll be right back.
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Alyssa Dver:
All right, so these are simple things you can do to hopefully relieve your brain of some of that cognitive overhead. And let's get more cycles back so we can do things that are more productive, things at work, at home, and figure stuff out that otherwise would be tough, because we know so many cycles are being dedicated to worrying about how other people perceive us. So first thing not. So easy, but definitely doable. Be you, be you. I know big, big like, that's not a typical Alyssa recommendation, but think of yourself as an advertisement. This is me. I love that song from the movie. And you know, This is Me, Greatest Showman. This is me, but it's an advertisement like, you know, if you're religious, you put on earth, this is who you are. Show it off. This is me. I'm an advertiser. This is me. Take it or leave it. But more importantly, this is me, and I love me. I'm proud of me. This is who I was put on the earth to be.
When you meet people that you all sudden start to realize they're judging, or you feel like you are squirming a little bit and trying to accommodate their needs, you know, giggling at jokes that aren't funny, for example, or doing things that are just not feeling aligned with who you are and what you value. I always say, get to “no” someone fast, know, as in, no, because we don't have time to waste on the planet, right? And getting rid of that overhead, of feeling I just I'm doing something to please that person, because I want them to like me. Gets really old really fast, which talks about my third tip, and it's a little poetic here.
I want you to celebrate people who give you energy. Celebrate the people who really love you for who you are. Thank them. Be mindful of who they are and what they do, and thank them and be thankful for them. There's not going to be a lot of them in your life, I'm telling you right now, but whoever they are, figure it out. Those are your go to people they should be the ones that you go to when you're feeling sad or when you need a little bit more reinforcement to tell you that you're really cool, you're you're great. And then while you're celebrating them, liberate all the other ones that are taking your energy. Set them free. Let them go find some other person that they want to suck confidence out of. Liberate them. You know, it's been really nice chatting with you gotta go, if it's a friend that you also and realize is kind of like a cognitive sucker. And I mean a sucker like sucking time out of you, trying to get you to do stuff for them or listen to their dramas, day in, day out. Maybe you just say, you know, I really appreciate who you are. I just, I really can't, I don't have the time to do this, and I have to move on. So my friends, my podcast friends, you are who you are for good reason, and I celebrate you in that way. I hope you celebrate me in that way. And I really want to encourage you to do you, to be you, because at the end of the day, whenever that comes for all of us you aren't what you are, you are who you are.
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
