EP 126
You. Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa:
It is not uncommon that I get solicited for somebody who wants to be on the podcast that is a fellow confidence expert, confidence crusader. Call them what they will, and I usually don't, because most people don't look at this in any different way or scientific way that would add value. But I'm going to tell you I saw Tara Gooch's information, and I was like, I think this woman has a lot to offer. So I'm so thrilled that you accepted and you're here with me, Tara, welcome to real confidence.
Tara Gooch:
Oh, thank you so much for having me today.
Alyssa:
Now you're also a fellow author, a fellow Ted talker, and a fellow we got to come up with a better way of saying that, right, a female fellow. And I'm just curious, like, how did you get into this space?
Tara Gooch:
Oh, it's interesting. You know, it started off as me being afraid, I will say, terrified of public speaking, terrified of visibility. There was a point where, I mean, I never even posted a video online or anything like that, a podcast even up until 2022, I was terrified of it. So it really started off as a combination of me facing my biggest fears and just going for something that I believed in, and then once I did the first thing, it led to another, you know how it goes, right? It's a snowball.
Alyssa:
Yeah? Well, you know the other side too, is that you have really kind of honed down on this idea of gratitude. And again, as I introduced you just before, you know, I don't usually bring on other confidence people, because we've covered, you know, the basics, so to speak. But also gratitude. There's a lot of controversy. I'll admit to you, I have some skepticism on a lot of it. But I really, again, saw what you do, and I'd like to kind of dig into how that piece of it, and you have this whole method called grasp, so maybe expand, explain what grasp is, and then let's talk about this gratitude piece, because maybe there's things that we don't agree on, and I think that would be really kind of a fun conversation too.
Tara Gooch:
Absolutely, absolutely. Why is gratitude important for me? Well, it really took me out of a state of feeling depressed, feeling anxious, and I know a lot of people can relate to that, who are listening to the show right now. Maybe they're in that state. Maybe they're in a state of a lack of fulfillment, even if there's external success, right? Even if they're seeking some type of external validation, they might just feel like something's missing. And the shift happened for me at what I would call my lowest point, when I was in a state of depression and anxiety, I felt lack of fulfillment in my life, I started practicing gratitude, and since then, my life has been completely different. Part of that was learning how to be grateful for the person that I once was that it wasn't an area where I needed to be ashamed of that. It was actually something I could look back on. And instead of being ashamed or instead of feeling sad about my past, for whatever reason, I started to be able to look at it from a lens of growth and acknowledgement of personal growth that it. If you would have told me, try this and that'll work, I would have probably said no, until I tried it. Isn't that how it goes right?
Alyssa:
A lot of the times it's true. Now you know, regardless of religion, all right, I'm not going to get into religion with anyone. It's one of those things I just don't want to talk about with anyone, because everyone has their own beliefs, and I respect them, and I hope they respect mine. But I am a very spiritual, almost superstitious person, I'll admit, right? And I think you and I share this too. It. That what has happened in the past, there was a reason. There was a direction, there was a learning growth moment, as you put it, that happened to get me to the place that I am now. And if you look at the place I am now with all the possibilities for the future, yes, I'm absolutely grateful. And I know I say this to my kids, I said it to some of my coaching clients. You know, you don't always understand what's happening in the moment, but when you do look back, you go, Oh, okay, so now I understand. Now it sounds like that happened to you. Is there it? Can you get a little bit deeper with me on this? Because you said, like you looked back and you were ashamed of some things. Did that shame disappear? Or was it something that you really had to, like, kind of piece back together to figure out why that happened, to get you where you wanted to be?
Tara Gooch:
Yeah, that's a good question. And, you know, I I'm not sure, I'm not sure how it really transformed in what, you know, specific sense, but it felt like it was it did. It felt like it was being transmuted from shame to a sense of accomplishment, a sense of gratitude. Again, you know, echoing what you said as well, I feel like a lot of us carry some type of a shame, right? Some type of regret. And for me, it came because I had a father that was not, on many accounts, the best father, right? So it felt like a shame for a long period of time, like maybe I'm a mistake, maybe something, maybe I don't have a purpose. What is my purpose? And it led to a lack of self confidence over time, and it kind of again snowballed, but in the bad way, right? It kind of started piling up on the other and when I started practicing gratitude for the past, and actually what lessons it was teaching me, how I grew along the way, the person that it made me into, ultimately, that I wouldn't have been, necessarily without these circumstances from the past. It gave me a just a new perspective that I now saw as a teacher and less of a sentence or less, does that make sense of a obstacle?
Alyssa:
Yeah, and, you know, again, I'm going to be a little controversial here. It's not easy, right? Like this is not something that you can just say, oh, you know that horrible thing, or that shameful thing from the past, and it doesn't have to be a big thing. It could be, you know, I got rejected from a certain job or or got laid off, or I was in college. I tried to get to a call into college, and I they reject whatever it is, right? It could be something like that. It could be something somebody said, something that you said, it could be anything but being able to look at it and go, okay, it sucked at the time. I'm still angry or frustrated or ashamed about it, whatever ashamed. But it was a step in a direction that now I can understand was important.
Tara Gooch:
Absolutely. And that's not easy, like you said, it's very much a journey. I don't think it happens overnight. It's not a snap of the fingers type of thing, but if you let it become a practice, right? This is not a one and done thing. You don't wake up one day and again, snap your fingers and everything's roses when you allow it into your life and invite it into your life as it's a practice, so it's a daily routine, maybe just like brushing your teeth, it really does start to change your life and so many wonderful benefits to it as well, on the science aspect of it, in the neuroscience aspect of it, which is fascinating,
Alyssa:
Talk to me more about that. You know, I'm a neuro nerd, so I'm all yours. How do you tie it? Or how does neuroscience fit into this?
Tara Gooch:
I liken gratitude practice to walking on a trail, because I love nature, my family and I love to go on hikes, right? And we've gone on hikes where the trail is not well worn. It's one of those. Maybe it's been closed for a couple months. Maybe they just reopened it, but they haven't bushwhacked it again. There's going to be rocks on the trail, there's going to be spider webs, there's going to be logs, there could be branches, it's going to be some obstacles. It's not easy to get through. But a well worn trail is the opposite well worn trail you can run through, right? It's nice and wide. It's been, it's it's a road. That is well traveled. The same thing happens in our brains, how we think, how we process information, if we have or starting a gratitude practice, let's say, and we're going from not practicing it. Maybe we're feeling ungrateful. Maybe we're feeling sad, depressed, anxious, whatever, and we begin a gratitude practice. That trail becomes more well worn over time, and it becomes easy to switch gears, if you will, to go down that well worn trail. Once you get some it's like muscle memory, right? Once you get that trail well worn and paved, it becomes really easy to keep going down it. So I liken gratitude as my little ninja mindset warrior. And anytime a negative thought comes in, I use gratitude immediately to transmute that negative thought into a positive and the more practice you have doing this, the easier it gets, and the quicker it becomes.
Alyssa:
Yeah, so I talk a lot about neuroplasticity, and that's exactly what it is, is creating new neural neural connections, new pathways, literally. And you do have to trot in them down, because the old ones are going to be strong, right? But you know, you keep saying gratitude practice, and I gotta go back for a second, because you're not talking about waking up and being I'm so glad that I have a house and a roof and a child and a husband, and that's what a lot of people pontificate. You have really focused on allowing yourself to go into some of maybe the past paths and go, those are not right, they're not good. They're not serving me well, and I'm not going to use them anymore, because they actually got me into where I am in. This new path that I'm about to go on is exciting. So old paths push off, right? And I think that gratitude of having and I make it almost like a negative, but you're like a very positive, like, hey, you know what? I'm not going to allow those paths to dictate the way I think and am in a way that says they all sucked. I sucked. They sucked. We're not going to let go that. But I don't suck as a result, and I'm grateful that I have those experiences, and I can see that now, right? So how do you make that flip? You know what? You were in a place. Maybe you want to talk about your own experience. But people who are in a place and they're like, you know, a terrible childhood. I just went through a terrible divorce. I got whatever their issues, right? What is it that like? What's that moment where you're like enough, I'm done, I like and I'm gonna flip the narrative, create those new pathways, bushwhack positivity into myself. Like, how you make that flip?
Tara Gooch:
I love that well, and that's where the R comes in. So that's the Grasp method. After we develop a gratitude practice, I think it's equally as important to develop a responsibility, practice an accountability, practice a self leadership. Practice, whatever you want to call it, once you're able to do that, there's so much more room to invite in the energy that you want into your life, the opportunities that you want into your life, the circumstances that you want, the success, the whatever it is that you're seeking, the confidence, because you're taking personal responsibility for what you want, for your choices, your outcomes. And I think this is so important, because it really takes you from that mindset of victim to victor and taking the pen back into your own story and writing the narrative quotable.
Alyssa:
I like a little goosebumps there, because I think, excuse me, there is this notion that a lot of people subscribe to, and again, I'm dancing a little bit on that religious line of, it's not my fault, somebody else should fix it, and that doesn't usually work out so well. So the responsibility of saying, look, it's my life. I'm going to fix it. What happened? It happened, and most of the time, those things that happened weren't my fault, but they affected me, but I am going to take ownership agency for not letting it cloud my future direction. So here's what I'd like to do. I'm going to take just a very quick break for our sponsors. But let's say somebody here who's listening is like, Yes, I'm ready for a new path. Can you come back after the break and just give somebody the 123, of how to make this real and happen for them. Can you do that?
Tara Gooch:
Absolutely?
Alyssa:
All right, great. I appreciate that. I can't wait. We'll be right back.
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Alssya:
Okay, friends, I am with a new best friend. I hope that's okay, Tara, because I love talking confidence in neuroscience, and you tickle my brain pathways with a lot of really good stuff today, I would love to know, you know somebody who is feeling like they're ready to move to a new place in their life, and they want to take responsibility, like, what is it they need to do right now to get moving in that direction?
Tara Gooch:
I would get really clear and granular about who this is that you want to become. See that person as if they are right now, write it down. What characteristics does the best version of Tara does? The best version of Alyssa does the best version of you have write those down. What do you want like? What is the ultimate what would your life look like at the ultimate? Just whatever that is goal that you have. Write it down. Let's get really clear about that, because there's a quote by Marian Wright Edelman that I live by, and it's, you can't be what you can't see. And if you want to become someone, anyone, you have to first see it yourself, so that you can walk towards that every day and develop that responsibility to say, You know what, I am worth this. I will do this. And this is possible for me too. I think that's so important.
Alyssa:
I love it. We have a tool. And actually, I taught a full day confidence workshop last week, so it's fresh in my brain, and the reaction for people is so powerful. We call it the youology, which sounds dreadful, right? Because you're thinking, I love it, but we spell it, y, o, u, l, o, G, y, if you ask folks to sit there for a couple minutes in a private place and write down, what would they like somebody to say about them, somebody, well in the future, when they're you know, when you're past, and somebody's standing there that, hopefully somebody you know and care about that is talking about you, what do you want it to look like? And it's exactly what you're saying. Because what pops off that page are your values, who you are. And, you know, it's always kind of funny, I'll say to folks, it doesn't really reflect things that you did. It's not like what kind of job you had, or, you know, you ran a marathon, that's not what's going to be in that typically, it's going to be the kind of person you are, and it really sets a direction. So again, another very obvious thing point between us. So look, you and I could go on for hours and hours and hours, but since it's a 20 minute podcast, I want to make sure people know how to reach you. You have great books. First of all, talk quickly about the books that people are interested in reading about you.
Tara Gooch:
Absolutely yes. Thank you. My books are available on Amazon. My first book is How to Grasp Confidence and Own Your Power. My second book is Talk Your Way to the Top. Both available on Amazon. I'm working on my third book now, which is going to be called from calling to confidence that will help you step into your calling with confidence. So there's no looking back. I'm on LinkedIn and every social media platform. My website is TaraLafonGooch.com
Alyssa:
We will certainly put that in the show notes and put some links to you. I really, really appreciate you coming on today, being a fellow confidence Crusader. I know it's hard work, so for what it's worth, yay you. Yay us and my friends. Please reach out to Tara, let us, let us know some feedback on today, I think that we're excited to continue the work together, so you'll be hearing more from both of us soon, but for today, thank you so much. Thank you again. Tara, really appreciate it.
Tara Gooch:
Thank you, Alyssa.
Alyssa:
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels, you can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute, All Rights Reserved.
