EP 125
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
The word positivity, I think, often carries some negative implications. We think of Pollyanna, somebody who's always, you know, super positive, and not you know, I meet people every now and then who have this just almost fake sense of positivity. I was getting a mammogram the other day, and the tech there just so positive. And then I remember one of my dad's friends almost like sugary positive nothing ever seemed to get them down. And it's kind of, I don't know, maybe a little annoying, to be honest with you, because it seems like it's fake, or they're naive or living in a different zone planet. I don't know. Maybe it's my New York upbringing, but that constant sense of positivity is like I said, it could be taken negatively.
It doesn't mean that somebody is necessarily a pessimist, optimism, pessimism, different. And I think that there is a happy middle point, or maybe it's not really. It's in the middle, maybe it's towards the positive point that many of us could do better. And what I mean by that is even in the statement about, you know, finding a silver lining. What does that mean? Well, having a negative situation and something good comes out of it, you know, something that you know, as a result of the negative circumstance, that there's some something that really positive comes out of it. And I was thinking about this the other day, I'm like, why do we do that? Is that, again, another social construct that's rigged our brains to assume that, you know, well, in all the garbage that happens, maybe there is a gem, something in there that we should dig for, and maybe we should flip that paradigm.
Maybe it should be more like, you know, everything is awesome. Let me just look around and make sure that if there's anything that's negative, then I'm acknowledging it and subsequently dealing with it. I think it's a really interesting idea to flip that paradigm, how to do it on a regular basis. I'm working on that, but, you know, the idea here is, rather than look for the negative, looking for the obstacles, looking for the opportunity to wake up your amygdala and freak it out. Maybe it's, you know, a dose of that gratitude medicine and saying, Wow, look at all these positive things that are happening, and just recognizing that there are going to be some boulders in the way, there's going to be some obstacles, negative stuff that is challenging or otherwise just not good. This is life, right? But let's break this down a little bit more, because it's very nice for us to sit here and like, kind of, what is this all about, and assume that positivity is not a state of ignorance.
The people who are naturally positive aren't just doing it because they don't know better. You know it maybe it's because they've chosen it and that the rest of us can, hey, sounds like a familiar theme, right? So, you know, I think that there are, there's a lot of studies and data out there that would say that positivity is not something that you're necessarily born with, you're not necessarily given or even is circumstantial. And like, look at all the studies. They'll look at the happiest people on the planet. Inevitably, they come up in Norway, Sweden, Denmark. Now, yes, they have pretty high standards of living. It's pretty cold up there, just saying, for much of the year. But you know, they're consistently happier there and at the same time, countries that at least US people would consider former third world around the world often rank much higher than the US. And again, you could say, well, they're just ignorant. They don't know better, no. You know, there is a difference in their attitude, in their mojo. I think that, you know, there was a time in US history that people were just happier, maybe less awareness again, you could say it was ignorance. We didn't have the internet, we didn't have mobile phones, we didn't have a lot of things, and so we kind of walked around maybe a little bit Magoo, like Mr. Magoo like assuming that everything's wonderful.
But you know, again, in our 60s, the data shows that we're happier, we're more confident, because we're not caring as much about all the people around us and their judgments. So is that the commonality of being positive, we certainly know it's a commonality of being confident. It's a good question. And it is not just this outward positivity, right? It's not just being nice and happy and all kind of, you know, welcoming other people, that's great and it's important, but it's also this internal positivity, and it's interpersonal positivity. It's being okay with other people, a judging you, but also other people being different than you. It's okay with being you know, hey, you know they can be negative, but it doesn't mean I have to be negative. I don't have to have my mirror neurons imitate them. It's also this idea that I can fall off a wagon, you know, when stuff really is negative, that it is a temporary state. It is not a pervasive change. And of course, positivity has got to and I'm sure there's studies out there. I not a positivity expert, but needless to say, it would be intuitive that if you're more positive, you have less stress, you're less you know, drama oriented, and you're going to attract other positivity, right? It's going to be that drawing out of other people and being more open to finding other positivity and generous with yours in the world. So all good things, right?
So as I've been pondering, this is my perpetual habit, not just because of the podcast, but because of the way I look at the world, pondering, how can the rest of us be more positive? How can we create a habit of positivity that is real number one and two sustainable I have some ideas. I'm going to give them to you when we come back from our sponsor break.
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Alyssa Dver:
Okay, here are my suggestions for anyone who's listening that would like to be more positive, and as I said earlier, not just kind of like immediately and as a dose or shot of confidence or positivity. Right now, this is more how do we change the neural pathways in our brain so we can be more positive, without being fake, without being ignorant, without being how shall we say, deceptive, right? Because we all want to be positive, right? Yes, somebody how they're doing. I'm fine. I'm great. Everything's great. Business is great positivity, right? We kind of want to be that, even if it's not true, and most of the time it's not, by the way. So how do we do it so our brains believe it and our behavior follows it in a genuine way?
Well, the obvious thing would be to be more grateful. Have more of a gratitude practice. Sure, absolutely, if you've been listening to this podcast, you know, I have this kind of love hate relationship with gratitude, because it has to be genuine. And in my perception, I think it has to be something that. Is also within your control and not something that you just got. Right? I'm so grateful for my family. Well, you didn’t get to choose your family, right? But if you want to say I'm so grateful for the relationships I have with my family that you've built and earned, that's awesome. I'm so grateful for living in the United States. Well, again, it sort of a choice, but if you were born here and otherwise have all your family and friends here, maybe not, but being grateful for things that really are within your realm of control and within your realm of yep, those are really important to me, and I subsequently work hard to maintain them. I'm all for that. So gratitude, sure, but let's talk about some other things.
Can you curb your biases? Can you curb them? It's doable. It's very doable, but your bias may be, oh, that person's just out to get me, or all people are motivated by something negative. And I'm not saying to drop all your protection. I definitely don't want you to do that, but maybe give people a little bit more of a chance and and and don't assume that they're out to get you. Don't assume that they are all about the negative, but maybe give them a chance and say there's probably a reason why they're doing that doesn't mean that you have to be forgiving. It doesn't mean that you have to be less protective, but maybe not go into a situation, a relationship, assuming that that person is just evil. Nobody's born evil, right? It happens, and that will just make you realize that it's another person there's they may be suffering. Doesn't mean you have to help them again, but it just means that maybe you go into with a more positive attitude then not all people suck. Yeah, another important thing is to use fair benchmarks, right? I mean, I talk about benchmarks all the time. Don't measure yourself and your success to people that are unusual, that are anomalies, like, you know, celebrities and social media makes us want to believe that everybody should be shaped and shiny and looked in a certain way. It doesn't happen in the real world, right? We know that, and it when I say the real world, they have hordes of people that are helping them look and be like that. They might have sets, you know, for the certain environments. I love these posts. I see people with these fancy houses or pools and stuff, and sometimes I'm like, I bet it's not even theirs, but you think it is because they're sitting in front of it, right? Could be anywhere, but, you know, use fair benchmarks. Look around your neighborhood, look at your friends and your friends and your family, and compare your situation with what's going on with benchmarks that make sense, that are relatable, that are real, so that will keep you more positive.
And the last one, I think, is definitely a reflection of being 60, but I also think that this is something I'll credit my father to, is just don't take yourself so seriously. You know, I think that most people can't take a joke. And what I mean by that, you know, if you were ever roasted or somebody toss a joke, you get very defensive. You think somebody's hurting your ego. And I fundamentally believe nobody can embarrass you. Nobody can hurt you in terms of words, unless you let them. And if you can't take a joke, if you're taking yourself so seriously that you don't realize that you're human and you're going to screw up, and that sometimes it can be really funny, you're going to be kind of negative. You're going to be a Negative Nelly in that situation and probably in a lot others. So don't take yourself so seriously. So those are my words of wisdom today. You know gratitude when it's earned and genuine. Curb your biases where you can give people a chance recognize that they are either being mean or or angry or whatever the issue is that's making you think that they're negative. There's a reason for it, so it's a bummer for them, but doesn't mean you have to absorb it. Use fair benchmarks and don't take yourself so seriously. Come on, all right, my friends, thank you for tuning in. Hope that was helpful.
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver.
Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world. Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
