EP 118:
On a recent trip, I went to Croatia. I was on another big vacation this year—practicing what I preach. It was a tour group, but this time much smaller. We go on these lovely National Geographic tours—I'm going to give them a shout-out because they really are well done.
On this one, there was a young woman, a professional psychiatrist. I say professional because she had just gotten her full degree, finished her residency, and was official—but still very young.
What was interesting to me, and also to my husband (who was a psych major in college), was that this woman was clearly on the spectrum. And when I say “clearly,” I hate to label people, of course. I'm not a professional in that sense. But she wore the same outfit every day—just in different colors—and she was socially awkward, no question about it. She did interact, and it was all very lovely, but she definitely had some struggles in that area.
At one meal, a few of us were sitting down for dinner, and she suddenly popped up, ran over to get ice cream from a vendor, and came back—right there in the restaurant. She didn’t offer it to anyone else or make any comment. It was just a reactive thing. So there were lots of signs—those are just a few. She clearly has some spectrum issues.
And yet, during one of our conversations, she told me that one of her biggest challenges was her autistic nephew. She said, “I just can't do it. I don't know how to interact with him.” I thought—it’s not exactly ironic, but it is interesting, right?
I didn’t ask her if she recognized her own spectrum-ness because it’s irrelevant. It’s not important to call her out. But as a professional, she surely knows the signs, and I wondered if she realized how much she exhibited them.
Now, just because you exhibit something doesn't mean you can control it. That’s important. As we talk in this podcast about self-awareness, there’s a very big difference between being aware of something and having a sense of control or agency over it. So those are two things: the ability and awareness to know, and the ability, awareness, and desire to change.
Whether she had any or all of those, I don’t know.
Another example—which is funny how some things just stick in your head while you can’t remember half of what happened yesterday—a relative once called me “controlling.” They said I was a very controlling person.
That person happens to be one of the most controlling people I know. So again, maybe it was the pot calling the kettle black, as the saying goes. I don’t know—am I a controlling person? I like to think of myself as someone who tries to control what is within my ability to control—things that are important—but I'm also pretty good at letting the universe and other people have control. So again, if someone says someone else is controlling and complains about it while doing the same thing themselves… I question whether there’s any self-awareness there.
So—who is self-aware? What is self-awareness? It’s a good question.
I have yet another relative (I’m picking on a lot of family members today) who often claims to be very self-aware—because they observe that other people are not. They always say they are very self-aware.
I think that’s interesting to consider. What does that really mean? How do you know?
“Know thyself,” Shakespeare says. But how do you know if you really know yourself? You may think you’re one way.
There are all kinds of diagnostics and assessments out there. I like to say even a horoscope might bring you some awareness. When it says something like, “You're gregarious,” or “You’re energetic”—whatever the descriptor is—it gives you an opportunity to ask, “Is that true? Is that accurate?”
So whatever the tool, I think it can be helpful to self-reflect. That doesn’t mean you’re accurately saying, “Yep, I’m that.” Just because an assessment says you're organized, and you go, “Yes, I’m very organized,”—well, what’s your measurement? Organized how? Compared to who or what?
These tools can give you something to think about, like “Am I organized or not?” But I don’t think, at the end of the day, they truly help us understand what’s true about ourselves.
There are other tools that offer more of a mirror—like 360s, if you're familiar with those. That’s when people you work with are asked to assess you. But again, they’ll usually assess you based on work behaviors, not personal things.
At the American Confidence Institute, we have something called the Self360, which I love because it takes the best of the 360 concept but removes all the awkwardness. You get to choose who to ask, and you're really just asking for words to describe you—to validate what you think you are versus how others see you.
And I always remind people: just because someone thinks something about you doesn’t mean you have to agree or feel good or bad about it. It’s just a data point from one person’s perspective, compared against your own. But it gives you insight into how you show up in the world—according to others you (hopefully) respect and care about.
All of these are helpful, but very limited in what we truly know about ourselves.
So the question again is: how do you know if you really are self-aware? And is what you think or believe to be true… actually true?
It’s a good question, right? It's kind of like a question within a question, or a window within a window. You say, “I’m self-aware.” But… are you really? Are you self-aware about your self-awareness?
It’s a meta-thought.
Let’s think about this for a second, because there’s another question baked in here: if you are at least a little self-aware… does it change anything? Does it change your behavior? The way you feel about yourself? The way other people see you?
Again, I go back to the two parts. One is having hopefully accurate knowledge of who and what you are. And the second, maybe more importantly, is the desire to do something with that knowledge—to change, to utilize that data.
So we’re going to take a quick break, and when I come back, I’ll give you some ideas on how to get better self-awareness—and, more importantly, what to do with the data.
All right, let’s talk about self-awareness—how to get it, and what to do with it.
I want to give—not a warning—but let’s call it a consideration. This can be a little scary. I think we go through life denying things or avoiding things we don’t want to face—about other people, the world, and ourselves. So opening up these cans of self-awareness… you may or may not want to do it.
But the first thing we need to do is consciously think.
When we’re in a situation with someone else—or even just by ourselves—thinking about how we’re going to handle something… can we think about how we think?
What? Yeah.
When we think—are we focused? Or do we get so distracted that we can't really concentrate?
Are we unbiased? Do we look at a situation, a behavior, a reaction—and not rush to judgment?
Are we calm? Or are we always on edge, rushing to the next thing?
Assessing how we think is a good place to start—and you can do that anytime, even right now.
Making an effort to be more focused, more unbiased, and calmer isn’t a bad idea. Because when our brains are in that kind of state, we can assess everything—including ourselves—better.
Easier said than done? Sure. But it starts with a little intention.
So: focus, be unbiased, and stay calm. Try to think that way when you react to something—someone in a meeting, someone commenting on how you look or something you said.
How do you typically react? Do you get defensive? Do you thank them? Do you deflect or diminish it, like “Oh, I bought this on sale,” or do you say, “Thank you, I really appreciate that”?
How do you react when someone criticizes you or disagrees with you? Do you get defensive—or do you listen and take it as data? Can you say, “Thanks for that input”?
That’s hard to do. I’m not even asking you to change anything yet—just to notice it. Observe how you react to people and situations.
That honesty with yourself? That’s self-awareness.
The big part is deciding whether your reaction is good or bad. Now, there’s no right answer. We’d probably all agree that being defensive isn’t great—but if it works for you, then maybe it is.
So: reflect on your reactions. Reflect on how you handle things. And decide—is that how I want to be?
Once you're honest with yourself—once you say, “I don’t want to do that next time,” or “I have a habit of doing this thing”—then you can decide what to adjust.
How you adjust is a whole other topic. But in terms of self-awareness:
Assess how you think. How does your brain work? How do you operate normally—and under stress?
Look at how you react. To people, to situations—both in general and under pressure.
Evaluate those reactions. Are they helping you? Are there things you'd like to change?
Make a commitment to yourself. Decide to do something different next time. Define what “better” means to you.
Here’s an example. Say you have to visit someone who makes you uncomfortable—maybe they’re judgmental or just difficult.
First, be aware: “I’ve got to see this person; I can handle it.”
Second, ask: “How do I usually react around them? Do I get defensive? Aggressive?”
Third, decide: “This time, I just want to stay calm and listen—but not give too much of myself.”
Then give it a go.
That’s one way to be more self-aware in a situation that might not bring out your best behavior.
I hope that’s helpful. I know some of these solo pods get a bit esoteric, but the goal here is to help you think—and remember that none of us are perfect. We’re all works in progress.
And sometimes we forget how much control and agency we actually have over how we think and behave.
So while we’re told all the time to be self-aware, it’s worth giving ourselves some grace—because being self-aware isn’t always that easy.
But hopefully, I’ve made it just a little bit easier.
