EP 117: Real Confidence: The Confidence Move that Can Transform Any Relationship

October 26, 2025

Ever feel like you’re stuck in a loop with the people you love—same arguments, same frustration, same sense of nothing changing? My guest in this episode, Christy Cerniglia, had that exact experience in her 30-year marriage. But instead of blaming her husband (or anyone else), she leaned into a secret that most of us resist: the real power to change your relationships lies in how you show up.

I know, I know, you got it: if you keep doing what you always do, you get what you always get. So how DO you show up differently? Where do you even start?

For Cristie it was noticing her own patterns. She realized that the energy she brought —whether it was impatience, irritation, or criticism — was being mirrored back at her by the people around her. When she shifted to showing up with curiosity, respect, and intention, the ripple effect was immediate. Her husband responded differently. Her kids started listening more. Even the challenging in-laws felt… different.

And when she noticed that, the more confident she grew, and so did those around her.

She wasn’t manipulating or controlling them. She was creating influence through the confidence she was building. Because all brains and mirror neurons notice how we – and others – carry ourselves.

When we show up confident, clear, and respectful, the people around us can’t help but reflect some of that energy back. Cristie saw this in action every day, and it transformed her life in ways that felt natural, not forced.

Whether it’s a spouse who never does the chores, a mother-in-law who’s impossible to please, or kids who resist every request, I promise there’s something in this episode for you. Cristie’s approach is simple, doable and helps make relationships feel like a source of joy instead of stress.

Key takeaways from our conversation include:

Why focusing on your own behavior sparks change in others
How leading with respect and trust builds confidence in those around you
What expressing desires clearly instead of complaining actually accomplishes
Ways to release control with “whatever you think”
Why owning your missteps with intentional apologies strengthens confidence

Cristie Cerniglia is a certified Laura Doyle Relationship coach and mother of four with a passion for inspiring and coaching women back into magnetic marriages. You can learn more about Cristie at relationshipswithamap.com.

Episode Transcript

EP 117:
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.

Alyssa Dver:
I am really psyched about this conversation, because once in a while I get to meet somebody who is completely and utterly aligned with the ideas and concepts and experiences that I've had as a confidence coach. And even though Cristie Cerniglia is with me today, she doesn't call herself necessarily confidence coach. She certainly does confidence coaching, and I think we're going to have a really interesting and honest conversations today. So, Cristie, thank you for joining me.

Cristie Cerniglia:
Thank you for having me.

Alyssa Dver:
So, you know, let, let's talk a little bit about you. Like you are into the coaching, but like, how did you get here? What do you what led you into this path? And then we'll talk a little bit about the kind of people that you've been helping, because that's really interesting.

Cristie Cerniglia:
Yeah, well, I am. I live in Lexington, Kentucky with my husband. We've been married for 30 years, and about three years ago, we were having kind of the same issue coming up over and over and over again, and I said, I really want some help with this. So I had heard a little bit about coaching. I reached out to a relationship coach, and I met with her for six months, and as soon as I got on that first call, I said, this is what I want to do. She was just a fabulous listener and really helped me examine my thoughts and turn some of the wrong or the negative ones around. And I just fell in love with it, not to mention the complete transformation of my marriage and a lot of other key relationships that made me think I want to have all this information, and I want to share it with others.

Alyssa Dver:
Well, that there's so much that you just said in that small amount of time. So this, you weren't necessarily a coach before that, you weren't a psychologist, or you just literally went for coaching, and you're like, oh, and you said it transformed things for you. And six months was an immediate transformation. And what kind of transformation?

Cristie Cerniglia:
Yeah, I began seeing changes right away. What my theory is about why that happened is because people mirror us, right? So if I show up to this interaction and I'm kind of grouchy and giving you the side eye that's going to bring out something different in you than when I show up with a smile and excited to meet you, right? And so what I found out was that I was showing up in some ways to my marriage and other relationships in a way that was bringing out something in that other person, and maybe not their best. And so as I began to learn some new skills and change the way I showed up, wow, my husband responded to me very differently, and I started getting a lot more of what I wanted that I wasn't getting before. And I saw that in a lot of different relationships, so I saw immediate results. And then there were other things that took me longer to grow into, and I continue to grow into them. And so as I grow and change, my marriage and my life, right, continues to grow and change. So it's super exciting.

Alyssa Dver:
It is. You know, a lot of folks that I've encountered in my life, whether I've been coaching them or just interacting, have an attitude that they don't want to change their behavior to because, you know, if that person's mean or unhappy, that's not my problem. And I'm constantly reminding folks that if it bothers you, it's your problem, right? And so if you can change, do change, like you said, in a way that helps them, it helps you. And I wonder, you know you noticed it. Did everyone else, your husband and others, noticed that they were changing too. Did they say anything to you during that transformation?

Cristie Cerniglia:
Well, I know you're, you're so so, right? One thing I remember my husband saying at some point was, wow, you are you're a different woman. And he said, and it makes me want to be a better man. Oh, and I was blown away because I had spent so many years, and maybe others have had this experience too, thinking he's the problem. He needs to change, and when he does x, y and z, then we're going to have this great marriage, right? And I'll tell you what that put me in a pretty bad position, right? Because what can I do? Just sit and wait for him to change in order for me to be happy? So that was a total victim mode. I didn't realize it, but it was very, very frustrating. So when women come to me and they go, Well, why should I change? Kind of like what you're saying, He's the problem, I don't want to, I go, Well, you can stay right where you are and be miserable, or you can initiate this change. And that puts me in a powerful position. So I like to be able to initiate change. And I think as women, we are very influential. And so we do. We are in a position where, when Mama's happy, everybody's happy, and I can cause that change. That's exciting to me. Yeah,

Alyssa Dver:
no, I agree with you. And you know, it goes back to if, let's just say there's a husband and wife to make the conversation or the description easy here, if the wife is miserable and the husband's doing a behavior, but he's not miserable. It's not his problem. It's the wife's problem. So you know, like you said, you can mire in it, or you can do something about it. And do something about it, is not hope that somebody else is going to change, because there's no reason for that husband to change, right? And it sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud, but how many people are like that. Now, I know you've had all kinds of clients that have come to you. Can you share some of the examples of people who've come and they've had relationship issues? What kind of relationship issues do you typically say? Mm, hmm,

Cristie Cerniglia:
Well, the call, as a matter of fact, that I just got off of before, this was a gal struggling with her mother in law. And her mother in law can be demanding, and her mother in law has lots of expectations of what they will do and where they will go, and how they'll show up, and all of these things. And this, this poor gal, is just really struggling with it. And like you said, the mother in law is not miserable. She's the one who's miserable. I said, Well, how can you change her? And she said, I don't know. Can you tell me me? No, I can't. The more you try to change your mother in law, the more frustrated you're going to be. It's like going to the ocean and telling the waves to stop, right? I have no control over anybody else in this life. I can only control me, and so my job as her coach is to help her feel differently and respond differently to the mother in law.

Alyssa Dver:
Now there is a subtlety in there, because I agree with everything you said 100% but when you do control your own behavior, you did say this earlier too. There is a mirror reaction, you know, mirror neurons and then some Yes, and so subsequently, their behavior does change. So between us new friends, we can control other people's behavior, but it's not by intending to control them. It's in controlling ourselves so that they reflect that desired behavior, right?

Cristie Cerniglia:
Yes, that part is true, but the tricky piece in there is those pesky expectations. Mm, right, so if I make the change in the hopes that my husband will change, then I've sort of loaded up some expectations, and in my my experience has been that my expectations are kind of a pre precursor to resentment, because then when he doesn't respond the way I want, now, I'm resentful. So I'd rather leave the expectations. I'd rather push them off and change me in a way that makes me feel like a dignified, empowered woman, you know, who's creating I'm creating my own happiness. I'm 100% in charge, and if I want to be happy, I can be happy, and nobody else has to change for that to happen. That feels good.

Alyssa Dver:
Thank you so much for clarifying and doing it. It's such a beautiful way. Give me another example or two of some of the clients and the kinds of things that they're coming to you with. What do they say I need your help.

Cristie Cerniglia:
My husband is not helping me around the house, and we fight about it all the time. I keep telling him, I need you to do this with the kids. I need you to do that with the house. I need you to do and nothing is happening. I go, Oh, so you're complaining instead of expressing a desire. And I recognize. That, because that was me, right? The way that I expressed that I wanted a clean car was by saying, you guys leave my car a mess all the time. I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you. All right, so I thought it was a motivational speech, but it motivated no one all it sounded like was complaining and everybody scattered. My whole family said, get away from mom. She's in a mood, right, right? Absolutely. It never worked. It never worked. But when I decided to express my desire in a way that inspired all of a sudden, my husband couldn't wait to do the thing. So finally, one day, I just said I would love a clean car. And you know what? He said, I can take it right now and get it cleaned. It's like what? So I read, I realized that I was going about it the wrong way. I was complaining rather than expressing a desire. My what I learned is that my husband really wants me to be happy. And I think that's the general state of men. They want us to be very happy. It makes them feel successful, like they're winning, like they're winning as a husband, if they feel like we're never pleased or never pleasable, they're likely to give up.

Alyssa Dver:
Well, that's true for anyone, right? Whether it's it's as a wife to a husband, a wife to a wife, of course, a husband to a husband, or a mom to their kids, right? We want to also feel so. Talk to me a little bit. I know you have some experience working with clients who've had trouble either with their own kids or some of their related children, right?

Cristie Cerniglia:
I love marriage and family. I've always been passionate about marriage and family because my own parents divorced when I was a senior in high school, and so I think that's been a driving thing, too. I don't want people to just stay married. I want them to thrive in their marriage and in all their relationships. And yeah, you asked about kids, right? Yeah, so kids are the same way, like, if we're constantly Correct, correct, correct, correct, they're going to distance themselves and avoid that prickly nature. But can I find them doing something right, right? And can I gush? Can I give that gratitude? Wow. I saw how hard you studied for your test. Nice work. I noticed that you helped me bring in the groceries when I got home. Thank you so much. That makes me feel really loved. You know, can I find the people in my life and what they're doing well, and can I turn my focus to that rather than staring at the places where I feel like they're coming up short, I'm always going to be in a bad mood when I look at those shortcomings which we all have. So I'd really rather focus on all the things they're doing, right? And the things they're doing that make my life easier.

Alyssa Dver:
yeah, and I love it. You know, a lot of the work, pretty much all the work that we do at American confidence Institute, really hinges on giving confidence to other people, and so it's not blowing smoke at them. You know, it's not a trophy for everyone all the time, but when they do something that you appreciate, to let them know, like, how easy is that, right? Gives them confidence, and it certainly reveals some things that are important to you too. You know, thank you for bringing the groceries that really made a big difference for me. I appreciate that, right? So guess what? They might actually do it again, because that felt good a little.

Cristie Cerniglia:
We all like to be acknowledged for our contribution, and so the more I acknowledge, the more people want to step up.

Alyssa Dver:
Well, I'll tell you this, you know, I even with dogs. I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but like, you know, I watch, I go to a dog park every day. I went earlier today, and it's the same thing. You yell at your dog, Doug's going to run away. Good boy, that's so great, and they respond. So, you know, for what it's worth, folks, you know, it seems so easy to say, but it really makes a difference. But what I would love to do is take a very quick break for our sponsors, and I know you have these absolutely They're simple, which is misleading, but powerful, tips like that, and I want to share a few more with our audiences. Is that okay with you? Wonderful, all right? Well, we'll be right back.

This podcast was sponsored by the American Confidence Institute ACI, uses basic brain science to quickly raise real, sustained confidence. Our most popular workshop is how to coach confidence, and participants often note it's the best training they've ever done. The course teaches a 15 minute methodology that anyone can master to tackle any type of confidence challenge. So if you're a professional coach, maybe you're interested in. Exploring becoming a coach, or you simply want to use some coaching in your everyday job and life. Let's talk about bringing a workshop to your workplace or upcoming event. ACI certification can be added in grants, ICF or SHRM credit if you need that too, you can check it all out at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.

Alyssa Dver:
Now, Cristie, I know that sometimes this sounds almost too easy, right? People are like, yeah, it's not going to work, but it really does work when you go out of your way to thank somebody, to tell them that you appreciate them, that they matter. So tell me some other ways or things that you have recommended that you're just like, Whoa. That works so well. It was so easy.

Cristie Cerniglia:
Yeah. Well, if you had asked me a couple of years ago if I was a respectful wife or a respectful woman, I would have said, Yeah, but I had some sneaky blind spots where I wasn't showing up respectful. And so one of the things, one of the trick phrases that I use to show up respectful, is by using the three words, whatever you think. And I use that with my kids. I use that with my husband. I use that with others, and what it does is it communicates that message that, Alyssa, I think you're smart and capable, and I'm ready to trust you with this decision, whatever you think. Right in the bad old days, I had an opinion about everything, and I expressed it right? And I thought I knew a lot about a lot. And so my husband would come home and he would talk to me about his day running a roofing company. We own a roofing company. I've never run a roofing company. I don't know anything about roofing, but I had an opinion to share. Of course, his his communication and his sharing with me went down and down and down. You really didn't want to hear my opinion, right? Well, so what happened was I began he would share, and I began saying, whatever you think you do such a great job. You've been running this thing for 20 years. I know you'll make the best decision. What a respectful, loving thing to say. And you know what? The more I showed up respectful with him, the more I felt respect for him, and the Freer he began sharing with me, because he knew he wasn't going to be criticized. He knew he wasn't going to be taught or helped. Sometimes, as women, we think we're being helpful, and it comes across to others as criticism.

Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, well, you know, as many things in the English language, you know, there's not the equivalent of mansplaining either in but that's what it is, right? It's mansplaining to somebody, or womansplaining, I guess. You know, instead of finding the good you nitpick, like you said, and you know, mother in laws are pretty good for sure, but you know, that's an interesting example. I, I I'd love to understand too. Like, how do you catch yourself? What is the tip where you're like, Oh, I gotta flip the script in my head. Is there something that happens and you feel when, when that moment arises?

Cristie Cerniglia:
Yeah? Well, awareness is always the first step, right? And so as we realize these things like, Oh, I do that, then our awareness kicks up a notch, and we can see, oh, I think I'm trying to control this situation or this person, or, Oh, I think I'm showing up disrespectful. And one of the hardest things for me when I started all this was apologizing, and it's a great skill to have, and so I mess up. I still do it. I still do the things I wish I didn't, but I know how to clean it up now, and I can go to my husband or to one of my children and say, I want to apologize for being disrespectful when I told you what to do, instead of trusting you to make a great decision, like I know you will, yeah, clean it up.

Alyssa Dver:
Yeah. No, I like that. I want to clarify, because you did say you're from the south and I'm a Yankee from the way north, and we're not saying, suggesting that you should say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's owning when you screw up and apologizing to the person that was negatively impacted, right?

Cristie Cerniglia:
Yeah. And we have a lot of times where my husband, or other other wives, their husbands, will say, Oh, you don't have to apologize about that. And what I always say is, I do for me. That's not how I want to show up. This is how I want to show up. And I want to clean up my side of the street, because that's the part I'm responsible for, right? And when we challenge like in in a in a kid's situation, my kids are teenagers and above, it's really freeing to say whatever you think. It shows them that I trust them, that I think they're smart and capable, and it shows them that it grows their confidence right to believe mom thinks that I can make a good decision. Mom thinks I'm a smart, capable person, you know. And so it really works two ways, you know, it relinquishes control. It shows that I'm relinquishing control of you. You're old enough to make your own decision, and I think pretty highly of you.

Alyssa Dver:
We're scratching the surface of a lot of these things here, I know I realized that. And you know, the arc with the coaching program that we run here is all about helping people to make those decisions, without giving them the decision and empowering them and showing them that they have the ability to make so once again, finding more alignment in the work that we both do. So I know people who are listening here are going to be like, I really want to reach out to you. So how's the best way to find you and connect?

Cristie Cerniglia:
My coaching business is called relationships with a map, and so they can find me on Facebook or Instagram or my website is relationshipswithamap.com.

Alyssa Dver
That's perfect. I'm so grateful for everything you shared and for you being here, and I hope that we'll be able to stay in touch, because, you know, like minds, we can do some great stuff together. And sounds like you're making a tremendous difference in the world around you. So thank you for that, too. Oh,

Cristie Cerniglia:
Thank you so much, and I'm just happy to be here.

Alyssa Dver:
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.

EP 117: Real Confidence: The Confidence Move that Can Transform Any Relationship

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