EP 116
I turned 60 this year. Surprise!
Not really. All our data—all the research at the Institute—has always indicated, for the past 10 years, that 60 is the magic number when we finally reach our confident best.
And so, it's a little bit easier now. Not just because I turned 60, but because it’s just easier now—to have a sense of humor about more things, to be honest, and also to give myself a little more grace.
For those of you who aren't quite there yet, I'm going to share a few things I've learned along the way. These are what I know to be some of the big confidence busters. They’re human trappings—things that pull us into places where we don’t feel confident.
By the time you’re 60, I hope you’ll look back and think, “Wow… so silly.” But unfortunately, as silly as it seems now, I’ve fallen into these traps, and I’ve had some pretty significant wounds as a result.
The first one is comparisonitis.
By that, I mean constantly looking at other people or situations and telling yourself that you’re not good enough. That you're not as far along on your path as you should be. Fear of missing out falls into this category. Maybe even imposter syndrome.
Whether you're doing formal assessments or just daydreaming, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking you don't measure up. For example, I still get my college alumni magazine, but I stopped reading the class updates. I’d flip to the back and feel awful—like, “Look at all these amazing things people are doing.”
But you have to remember: the people writing in are the ones who have something to brag about. The ones who aren’t writing in may be doing just fine—or nothing at all. Either way, it’s a tiny slice of people, and it doesn’t reflect reality.
Same with social media. It’s easy to think, “I don’t have enough likes, shares, followers.” I fall into that trap too. Then I remember—wait, I have a lot. And even if someone has more, how do I know their numbers are real? For all I know, they're getting robotic followers.
Maybe I am too. Who knows? So I give myself a dose of, “Does this really matter?” and also, “Is the comparison even fair?” Being 60 helps—it’s easier to look in the rearview mirror and realize how silly it is.
Sometimes we compare ourselves to people in completely different circumstances. They may have grown up with more support—financial, emotional, or otherwise. Maybe we’ve faced loss, illness, or hardship. Yet we still compare ourselves to others who haven’t had those burdens.
So yes, comparisonitis is a big trap.
The second one is patience.
I laugh because people have told me forever that I have no patience. “Patience is a virtue,” they say. Yes and no. Too much patience can make you passive or complacent. Too little, and life gets very frustrating.
I want change. I want growth. I want to make progress. And sometimes I get impatient—like when someone doesn’t respond quickly to an email or text. But just because they’re not replying right away doesn’t mean they don’t care. Maybe they’re in the shower. Maybe they’re not near their phone.
Some of my friends must shower with their phones, they respond so fast. But me? I float in my pool with no phone. When I’m floating, don’t expect an answer. I turn my phone off at night and use “Do Not Disturb” during the day so I can work and focus without interruption.
My friends know this, but I know some still get frustrated. And, truthfully, I get frustrated when they don’t reply to me quickly, too. It's human nature.
I’m not necessarily more patient, but I appreciate the need for patience more. Malcolm Gladwell said it takes 10,000 hours to master something. That’s true. Not everything comes quickly. Sometimes it takes time to build knowledge—about ourselves, about other people, about systems.
We’re used to pressing a button and having things delivered in 24 hours. But the world doesn’t work that way. Things don’t ripen just because we want them to.
There are things in my life that have taken me surprisingly long to figure out—like my wardrobe. You only realize over time what you don’t like wearing, what doesn’t fit or flatter you. Eventually, you can look at something on a store shelf and instantly know it won’t look good on you. But that knowledge only comes with time.
Same with social skills. The ability to walk up to a stranger and have a conversation—I've gotten better at that, but it took years. Thank you, Dad, for teaching me that.
Patience is easier to talk about than practice. But grace helps. Remind yourself: life doesn’t operate like Amazon Prime. Some days, I feel like I’m trying to move a mountain with a spoon. But if I get a few good spoonfuls done today—that’s a win. I don’t have a shovel or a tow truck. I’ve got a spoon, and I’m doing the best I can. That’s wisdom earned over 60 years.
The third trap is avoidance.
We’re really good at avoiding things we don’t want to deal with—because they’re hard, or slow, or uncomfortable. Sometimes we avoid things entirely because we fear we’ll need more patience than we have, or we’ll come up short, or we’ll compare ourselves and feel bad again.
So, we just don’t try. We don’t even taste or attempt.
Even with to-do lists, we knock off the easy stuff so we can feel like we got something done. But those big, important tasks? We skip them because they feel like too much. We avoid difficult people and tough conversations. We avoid situations that are emotionally or physically uncomfortable. We avoid self-awareness—because we don’t want to discover something we don’t like about ourselves.
Avoidance is a major confidence buster.
These three things—comparison, impatience, and avoidance—chip away at our confidence. Sometimes they even knock it flat. And yet, they’re all deeply human tendencies. Unfortunately, they don’t support strong, healthy, sustainable confidence.
So, let’s take a little break. Then come back and talk about what we can do.
Alright, so I laid out three human trappings that really impact our confidence: comparisonitis, impatience, and avoidance.
First of all, just recognizing them is progress. Awareness helps us catch ourselves in the act. And the more often we do that, the more we build new neural pathways—literally rewiring our brains to say, “Stop it. Don’t do that.”
So, when you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not as pretty, or skinny, or smart,” ask yourself: is this a fair comparison? Do I really know what that person is dealing with, or am I just seeing a Photoshopped moment?
Maybe it’s the back page of the alumni magazine. Maybe it’s someone’s highlight reel. Maybe it’s not real.
Get some feedback. Ask someone you trust: “What do you think?” And also ask: does it really matter?
Do I have enough? Am I happy with my life? Because most of the time, the answer is: why would I want to be like that other person? I like who I am.
Maybe turning 60 gave me that wisdom. I’m not just okay—I’m really okay.
As for patience: I’m no expert, but I’ve learned to celebrate small wins. That’s how I build patience. Instead of saying, “I haven’t finished the big thing,” I say, “Hey, I got up early. I recorded that podcast I’ve been meaning to do.” Small things in the grand scheme, but still wins.
Even spending five extra minutes rubbing the dog’s belly counts. If you do something with intention, and it brings value to yourself or the world—celebrate it.
Little spoonfuls add up. Keep moving in the right direction, even if it’s slow. Schedule time for the next spoonful tomorrow. Then celebrate that win, too.
When it comes to avoidance, it’s so easy to say, “I’ll get to it tomorrow.” And sure, as long as you actually put it on your calendar and take a small bite, that’s okay.
Break big tasks into tiny steps. Deal with them in chunks. That helps rebuild your confidence through progress.
And when something feels uncomfortable—maybe it’s a call you’re dreading or a task you just hate—ask yourself: If I deal with this, will I feel good afterward? If yes, do it.
But if the answer is no, and it truly doesn’t matter—let it go. Just because it’s on your to-do list doesn’t mean it deserves your time. Be okay with saying, “You know what? I’m not going to bother.”
Women, more often than not, get caught in the “should” trap. “I should bake cookies for the bake sale,” “I should check on Mom,” “I should…” But men, generally speaking, don’t carry that same weight. Sometimes I ask myself, “What would my husband do?” He’d say, “Forget about it.” And that helps.
So yes, sometimes your brain is avoiding something because it just knows—it doesn’t really need to be done.
There you have it. My hope is now you not only recognize these traps but can manage or even sidestep them. That’s all I’ve got for you today. Thanks again for tuning in.
