EP 115
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
This is going to be a very personal exploration of my own confidence. So strap on, because I've got Esther Avant with me, and she is an expert in health, and we're going to talk about why do we tend to not feel confident enough to put our health in front of all our other priorities. So Esther, thank you for joining us today.
Esther Avant:
Thank you so much for having me.
Alyssa Dver
All right, so let's start with some basics as always, like health. Define it a little bit better for me. You talk about weight, medications, doctors, this is what, what?
Esther Avant:
I think all of the above. And I think very often when we think about health, we just equate it to weight that a healthy person is, you know, a certain weight or is in a weight range, and that may be a piece of it, but there's so much more to our health than just what we weigh. And you touched on several of those things. You know, the need to be on medications or attempting to get off or reduce medications. It's how we feel day to day. Are we lethargic and irritable, or do we feel like we have energy and we're generally, you know, good natured? It's how confident we feel in our bodies. It's being proactive with health related things like medical appointments. But it's not just physical health. It's also our mental and emotional health. It's having connections and relationships with people. It's doing things out in the community for the greater good. So I really like to look at a really holistic definition of health, rather than just kind of this narrow you know, what do you look like? How strong are you? How thin Are you? How fast are you sort of thing.
Alyssa Dver
No, I could appreciate that very much. So I one thing that I I'm guilty of, that's why I started saying it's a very personal thing, is I'm really good about seeing the doctor, the dentist. You know, all those things that you quote, should do, but I know a lot of people out there are they don't want to even know. They don't want to know the news. They don't want to find out something's wrong. I always say it. Say this is my mother regularly. If the doctor offers you a test, take it right, because you're better off knowing and not knowing. But why do people are why are they so scared of finding out the truth, whether it's getting on the scale or getting an x-ray, like, what, what is it that we're so locked up about?
Esther Avant:
I think probably at its core, it's our own mortality that we don't want to think about the possibility that something could be really wrong and, you know, and and life threatening, but even kind of several steps away from that is just the general idea that our lifestyle choices play a role in our futures and what those look like, and that's just really uncomfortable to confront, especially when you just feel like I don't even know how I would make changes, or I'm so spread so thin trying to manage my career and my family, that even if I did know that I needed to make changes, I don't know that I have the trust in myself to do them, in which case it just kind of opens up this can of worms where you're just like, you know, I would rather leave that box intact and and just bury my head in the sand and not know. Then to know, and then either have to do something about it, or no and not, which also doesn't feel good. Yeah,
Alyssa Dver
well, put I think that's really right on it. You know, I I tell people all the time that the opposite of confidence is guilt, and I think there's a lot of guilt woven in everything you just said, right? I feel badly that I'm not finding out what's wrong, but it's easier to deal with that than find out and then have to deal with it and not know how to deal with it. Or, right? There's all this like, oh, you know, I this is going to make me feel even worse, right?
Esther Avant:
Yeah, that's the perfect sound, yup, yes.
Alyssa Dver
In that, in that spectrum, too, I think there is this sense that if I don't know about it. It can't really exist. It's like this. You know, do you find people are in this total state of denial a lot? Or, I guess, by the time they get to you and they're asking questions, they're no longer denying it, but they may have been denying it for a long time. Is that a fair assumption?
Esther Avant:
Yeah, there's a pretty prevalent sentiment of, like, I can't believe I let it get this bad or I can't believe I'm I'm here that I have noticed kind of two kind of camps of people who reach out and work with someone like me. There's the really proactive people who aren't far from where they want to be, but they've sort of noticed the trajectory and realize that they're kind of veering off course. And they're like, well, I better nip this in the bud. Let me get the help that I need now, and let me do something about this now, because it's not going to get easier the further I get. Those people are the minority. Honestly, the majority of people hit some sort of like rock bottom moment, whether it's trying to get dressed for an event and finding nothing that looks good, or maybe it is a conversation with a doctor saying, you know, he these are your the results of these tests we ran, and you know, you got some work to do. It could be any, any number of kind of triggers, but generally speaking, people don't tend to reach out until they feel really desperate, of like, this has gotten really bad, and I need to do something urgently to change this drastically.
Alyssa Dver:
Okay, so fair enough, you know that I, yeah, I could see that happening. You just said something, and it kind of poked my brain a little bit. So I hope this doesn't poke you in a bad way. But then there's, there's people that are looking for something to be wrong, right? They are, say, proactive. I don't even want to call them that. They're more, you know, let me find something wrong, and then, you know, we get to be older, and I say, we, I hope I don't do this, but you know, that's all we talk about, is what's wrong. And I wonder, you know, what happens that we get to that point? Most many people do, but is that? Is that because they want to feel that they know what's going on and talking about it. Are they doing anything about are they just talking?
Esther Avant:
That's a great question. I would venture to say most people are, are just talking? I think there's a lot of you know, what I see just out kind of in the world, in Facebook groups, just among you know, groups of people, is that there's a lot of kind of that, chatter of the sort of victim mentality, woe is me, things are so tough, and it's a unfortunately, it's a great way to connect with other people, because it's very relatable, and you see it a lot, especially in, you know, among moms and kind of the mommy wine culture of, oh, I have to drink because these kids drive me crazy, and things of that nature, that you know, they're they're funny, they're kind of relatable, but underneath them is sort of this darker truth, which is that, if that's how we're relating to people, how can we possibly expect ourselves to make positive changes, right? Right? And I think tied up in that is also you, find what you're looking for. So if you're someone who's just kind of going through life looking for things to be wrong or looking for something to be hard or bad, that's what you're going to find. And I think especially as we get older, if you've spent decades in that mindset, it just continues. It's very hard to get out of it. And I think a lot of people overlook just how important how you think and talk to yourself and engage with the world is when it comes to our health, because you can either find excuse after excuse or you can find solutions. They both exist, but whatever time you spend looking for one takes away from the other. And I think unfortunately, when you spend a lot of time around other people who are kind of in that negative space that becomes your truth also.
Alyssa Dver:
Oh, my God, I think I love you. Because, you know, one of the things that I have to deal with on a regular basis is this baloney around imposter syndrome, like, right? You know, we're sitting all the where we're on TV, you work, whatever, and you're getting bombarded with ads for medications and conditions you didn't even know existed. And then, you know, somebody throws out yet another you know, imposter syndrome is the latest. You know, latest. It's not even that new anymore, but I'm so sick of talking about it, where everyone's like, oh, that's what I've got, right? I might, I must have this and it becomes right as and to me, a syndrome is like this way of giving you permission to whine and wine with an HR without right? So that drives me bananas. And I think there is this massive difference. And this is all about the brain science and work that we do in at ACI too, is like the difference between wallowing it and letting it take over your survival mechanism, to just hunker down, versus taking action and being like, you know what? I can do something about this, or I can figure out what to do about this if I don't know immediately.
So what you know, you said, people come to you proactively. They come to you because they're in despair. So those are their motivators, I guess, to come to you. But, you know, I'm curious, what keeps them on the wagon once they are like, Okay, I've done something. Is there particular tips and tricks that you have seen? And I shouldn't say tricks, they're not trips, right? You. You have these people who are like, right? They're in that state of fear. How do you get them to kind of calm down, to be like, okay, I got this. I'm going to do it.
Esther Avant:
Yeah, it's a great question. It's really interesting that when I, when I first started coaching, I was working with individuals, and I would have, you know, days full of calls, and just about everyone that I was talking to would say some variation of, I just feel like I'm the only person who or it seems like everybody else. And it was just sort of, everybody was singling themselves out as there must be something that I'm lacking. There's something wrong with me. And when I realized everybody was saying this, I was like, we need to be talking more about this, because there's no personal shortcoming. We're all generally experiencing kind of the same barriers to better health. And when we realize that it's not unique to us, it's just there's a lot of comfort in that, I think. And then once you can, once you can pinpoint why it is that you feel like you're sort of stuck or spinning your wheels, then we can take action and do something about it. So one of the big ones that I see is overwhelm, and that is kind of what we touched on the beginning of you hear a lot about work life balance, right? You've got your career, you've got your family. What we don't hear about is health that just kind of gets absorbed into the others, or really just kind of removed from the equation altogether.
But it really should be work life health balance, I think, and part of what's overwhelming is that a lot of times we feel like we're not going to see a result or make a positive change unless we make an overhaul to our lifestyles. And that feels so daunting. We think, well, I can't, you know, while the kids are young, I can't do that. Or while I'm really trying to get this promotion, or I'm under this deadline, I can't do that right now, so I'll have to put a pin in that, and I'll do that down the road when life is easier. And spoiler alert, it doesn't get easier. So a big part of overcoming overwhelm is figuring out, how do I meet myself where I am now? How do I look at the kind of low hanging fruit. What are some simple things that I could do that would help me be healthier overall? And it's not that those are going to drastically change your health. It's about developing the confidence and the self trust and the momentum to say I set a small goal. I did what I said I was going to do that feels good. I want to do a little bit more. So in the beginning, it's just about getting some wins under your belt. It's about doing way, way less than you've done before, and then you feel like you should do knowing that you're almost like a slingshot where you're pulling back in order to spring yourself forward. So I think that's one of the big ones.
Another challenge that I see is people feeling like they have to do it all on their own, that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and it's just not we both know it's a sign of strength and confidence to say I have a gap in my skill set, or I'm trying to get from A to B, and I could do that more quickly, more easily, with less pain and aggravation, if I had help that could be professional help, it could be just a support system around you, finding like minded individuals, or just speaking up, advocating for yourself, or saying, Here's what I'm trying to do, here's how you could help. Are you? Are you able to do that instead of feeling like me, to shoulder it all ourselves and that we're piling more and more onto our plates. And then I think the third big obstacle that I see is perfectionism, and the fact that we tend to be really hard on ourselves if we fall short of our really lofty expectations, but instead of treating ourselves with compassion, and you're using those opportunities to grow and to learn. We just beat ourselves up, and we wallow in that, and it leads to these kind of Herky jerky starts and stops, rather than learning to balance being compassionate with yourself, but also taking responsibility for the changes you need to make.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, I love it. I love you. Gave us four, actually, so every one of them was awesome. I am going to do two things. One is, we're I'm going to give us a little break so that we can give our sponsors some opportunity to talk, but when we come back, I'm going to share with you a small win health thing that I did. And this morning, before our interview here, I was thinking to myself, I've been doing it for a month, so I want to share it with you and everyone else awesome, and then I want you to give kind of the tip of the day that's like, Okay, I know I'm not doing a good, healthy thing for myself. What is the one thing that everyone can do? Because my thing's probably not gonna work for everyone. So we'll be right back.
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Alyssa Dver:
Esther, this has been much enlightening, more enlightening. And then I have to say that, going into this topic, I was like, Yeah, we're gonna talk about healthy. And you've been so great. And so, like I said, I'm going to share with you, if you don't mind, I'm going to do a little small one celebration, and you'll watch me do the happy dance in my chair. But, you know, my knees have been not great for a while. And I started noticing how hard it was getting out of like, deep chairs and stuff, and it was bugging me. And I was like, I should get to the gym. I should do this. I should do I you know, I should it all over myself. And I said, You know what I can do is when I go to brush my teeth and with my electric toothbrush every morning and every night, that's a two minute timer, right? I'll do deep knee bends and I'll hold the sink just so that I could be safe, right? But I'm going to do two minutes of deep knee bends in the morning and at night, and boy, what a difference it has made. And I'm like, you know, I it now. It kind of almost like it just routine. I get the toothbrush, I'm like, you know? And it has really helped. So that's my small win. I'm dancing in my seat because I'm very proud of myself. It's been a month.
Esther Avant:
That's the perfect example of getting some early wins, some low hanging fruit, of not telling yourself, Oh, well, I need to start this new gym routine? Oh, which means I need to research the gyms in my area and and you haven't, you didn't create a whole bunch of to do's around it. You said, what's the smallest thing that I can do? And you focus on doing it consistently, and that the consistency is the key. I would much rather have somebody do less more consistently for longer than doing more for a little bit here and there throughout the year. One is, you know, it's very tortoise and hare, but one, you know, one is going to be more successful than the other, yeah.
Alyssa Dver:
I mean, like, it's interesting too, because, like, for a lot of times, like, oh, it's my knees. And I was like, I'm old, and it's what it is. I'm getting any replacement, there's something I do about this. And I did try. I was like, okay, when I go up the steps, I'm going to stretch a little bit more. I was going to do all these other things, and they just didn't work for me. And I was like, you know, I gotta find something that I can do that is like, like, you said, consistent. They don't have to think about so it's like, that trigger, right? So give and listeners, because I would love to take on another small win habit. In that vein, is there something when you recognize as there's a you know, you're like, I haven't been paying attention to my health. And let's talk about physical health, and then we'll do one for mental health. Maybe, if you if your game, one thing that we can do that can make a difference or take action or just even change the attitude.
Esther Avant:
Yeah, yeah. This is a great question. And I just want to go back and touch on something else that you've done really well, too, is speaking about compassion and responsibility when you had those attempts that, you know, stretching when you're going up the stairs, and kind of the other stuff that didn't stick, that could have led to, kind of the the typical downward spiral of, oh, this is what always happens, is I start something and then I fall off. And you could have, like, really beat yourself up about it, and you didn't. Instead, you're like, Okay, well, I'm going to keep doing things. I'm going to keep trying until I find something that does stick. And that's really the key right there, is that that helps you stay positive and continue to try, and really the only way that you'll fail is if you give up and stop trying.
So there's a few different things that come to mind. I have what I call the big rocks, the habits that generate the majority of results that people are looking for with their health. And I'll just kind of go over them quickly, your total caloric intake, your protein and fiber intakes, on the nutrition front, your daily movement in the form of a step goal, strength training and rest when it comes to exercise and sleep and stress management when it comes to lifestyle. So what I would do is ask yourself, which of those areas do I feel like I already have a decent grasp on? Because generally speaking, most people are doing a good chunk of those things pretty well most of the time. So maybe you always hit, you know, 8000 or 10,000 steps a day. Great. Leave that alone. Don't think about it. Maybe your focus is on adding in a full body strength training session and gradually increasing from there. Maybe you eat tons of fruits and veggies and whole grains, but protein is kind of an afterthought. So that that could be one place to start.
I'll give you a super easy one that I implemented coming up on two years ago now that has really been a lot more impactful than I was expecting. I started prioritizing my water intake, which, again, some people have a lock on, and some people are just like, oh yeah, I should drink more, and I just never do. I started putting a full glass of water by my bedside table, and I drink the full 16 ounces before my feet even touch the bed in the morning. And it has just been such a good both from a practical standpoint, but from a mental standpoint too, a good anchor for me. I feel physically better after I finish drinking it. It feels like my body is like, coming alive, like, my cells are like, yes, we needed that. So that feels good, but it's also an early vote in the day for me doing things that are good for my health, which then has this positive impact and makes me want to do more healthy things elsewhere in the day. So if you're just like, I don't know, I can't even get involved in thinking about protein and fiber and like, all of this feels like a lot 16 ounces of water, either right before you wake up or before you drink your coffee in the morning. It's an easy one to do, and like you've done with brushing your teeth, you're stacking it on something that you do literally every day, right? You're gonna wake up every day, right, right, right? So you do that, and that's your trigger. I drink my water, and then you've already cast a vote for being a healthy person, you know where?
Alyssa Dver
Well, if it can take I thought you were going to say, you drink it before bed. I was like, I can't do that. I'll be up all night, but in the morning, and I am going to do that. I'm saying that publicly to you. You can call me on it in a month, because I think that that is brilliant. I mean, it's so duh, right? Like you said yourself, it's so easy, and yet we don't do it so,
Esther Avant:
And that's that's with so many of these things, it's like they're not revolutionary, but are we doing them? Right?
Alyssa Dver
Well, 1000 ideas, and there's things I could talk to you forever, but unfortunately, we got to kind of come to the end of this. Maybe we'll have you on again to do some more, wink, wink. But somebody wants to reach you and really engage you. Because I tell you like, I just feel like I have a new best friend in the world, and I'm so excited. I know how to reach you. But how do other people reach you?
Esther Avant:
Yeah, the easiest is EstherAvant.com that's my my full name. It has links to all my social media, my book, my podcast, both called to your health and and you can reach out from there.
Alyssa Dver
That's great. We’ll certainly put that in the show notes and everywhere else. So, yeah, let's do some more another time, because I think we only got I'd love to. Yeah, thank you so much for being here, my friends. Go drink some water, go do some deep knee bends, whatever makes your day, and thank you for being listeners. We'll see you next time!
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
