EP 114
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
There are days I will admit that I feel like I don't have enough friends, that I don't have enough people in my life who would come to the rescue if something was really urgent, a family challenge, or something like that. And then I remind myself that's not true. I do have people that I know I can call that would drop what they're doing and come maybe not hundreds. You know, it's easy to compare myself, we all compare ourselves to other folks who seem to have tons and tons of friends. Now I know a lot of people, and I say, know, a lot of people, 1000s of people, very well-connected business and otherwise, I make friends very easily. And I say friends, one of my best friends calls those kinds of people, associates, right? They're not really friends. They're not the ones that come when there is an emergency, right? And for those of you who may have read my book Misinformed, it's one of my most famous sections of people quote me all the time, including my husband.
I categorize friends into 911 friends. 911, those are your, you know, emergency friends, as I'm referring to you might have one two, and that's pretty normal. Those, really, you know, on speed dial, kind of like I need you now. I then say we have a lot of 711 friends. 711 is a chain here in the US, and it's a convenience store. So those are your friends of convenience. Those are the ones that you meet because your kids are in the same class or the same team, or you meet because you are on a board together, or whatever might be, but it's you know you happen to be in the same place, your college roommates, maybe even fraternity, sorority folks, whatever circumstance that brings you together, w friends, those are all 711 for the most part. Now, there are going to be exceptions, of course, that you're going to be friends, somebody's going to be a buddy over time, but friends of convenience, nice to chat with, maybe go get a beer with. But again, the differentiation is when the shit hits the fan and you really need somebody there who's going to show up. It's going to be those folks, or it's going to be the one or two people in your speed dial right.
Then there's the 411 friends and 411 friends. And I didn't even coin this. This was somebody else at a presentation I did, and I was giggling, because that's on kind of like white pages information, you know, you look at them up, you say, who do I know that does blah, and the 411, friends are really the folks on social media and other people that maybe you have connected with that you share some kind of common interest, or whatever it might be that you connected with, you communicated with, and again, good for a lark, as we would say, in terms of in the right context, on the right situation. But not again, the person you're going to call and say, I need you now.
So for what it's worth, again, I want to state, based on the research, not just my own experience, one or two really good friends by the time you're 60 is not unusual, because life is short. We only have limited time, and you know that's those are the people that we tend to invest in, and they invest in us. But I want to kind of dissect this a little bit more, because today's topic isn't so much about the kind of friends we have, as opposed to the kind of people in our lives that really give us confidence, that make us feel confident. And you know, this is a topic that I think I've hit on a couple different sides already, in other pods. But look, sometimes we have friends, and I say friends, it could be family too. That is in our world, variety of reasons. We're related to them, for one, or we've just known them since we were, you know children and we love them, we know they love us, but they don't make us feel so good, they don't make us feel confident, and don't make us feel that they would be there no matter what. Right that they don't they are almost on that borderline of friends of convenience, because they're part of our lives, but they just don't really have that level of I'm there for you no matter what, and that's okay.
Again, it's okay, as long as we recognize that. And yet, there's probably other people that may be in that 711 bucket, that group of people that are kind of there because, again, you have some kind of convenient situation. You're in the same place at the same time, or you've just known each other because of situations, kids in the same schools, whatever. And if you think about the kind of person and how they make you feel, I bet there's one or two in them, in that category that could be promoted, that could be one of those friends that you put on speed dial, that you say, you know, I just I really respect your opinion, and you always say the right things to me, and I really like to have a deeper relationship. Now, you may not say that out loud to the person. That's your prerogative, but I bet there's somebody in your life that really is of that kind of a opportunity. And you know, I certainly think about this a lot.
And you know those days where I'm like, I suck, I don't have enough friends, I say to myself, well, I know a lot of people who in that collection is somebody that maybe a potential 911, buddy, and can I foster that relationship better now I do. I'm very fortunate. I do have some friends that I really consider my BFFs taking a long time to develop it, and I will tell you that both of them are very different than the kind of person I am in terms of their habits and what they do, and even in some cases, their values, but the one value we share with each other is that we really are clear that we're there for one another, and that makes me very happy, that keeps me grounded, that keeps me feeling like I'm not alone in this world. And so if you're listening to this and you're like, I don't have anyone like that, I I'd invite you to not only think maybe there are people in your world like that you just don't know are of that, you know wonderful level of support for you, or maybe you need to do something to develop that with one of those people that has the potential right?
Now, I'll also tell you that most of my friends are very, shall we say, eccentric in some ways, or eclectic. They're very different than I am, and they're all different and interesting in their own way, shape and forms. And that keeps me happy. It also keeps me feeling that the people that I consider friends and not associates, I'm not competing with. I don't have to compare myself with them. And for me, that works really well. May or may not for you, I I will say that a lot of other folks I know, family members and otherwise, most of their friends are like them, and for them, if that that works for them, that's great. That's great, but maybe I'm so bold to say that there's not too many people like me, and maybe that's part of the problem. But again, the one thing that I hold true with my friends, the people that I give that I said label, but that categorization to is that I know they really are how shall I say they make me feel good. Point blank, they're not critical. They're not I mean, they'll tell me if there's junk on my face or food in my teeth and stuff like that. But they're not overly critical. They're not trying to fix me. They're not trying to change me. They like who I am. They like me for what I give to them. And there's a mutual respect, a mutual support there. That's really important to me, and I I don't know if I'm speaking just for myself, but that ability to be with somebody and be comfortable in your own skin, that's what it's all about. And I think knowing the people that give you that itchy feeling. That make you feel uncomfortable, maybe really analyzing them. Say, is that a friend, or is that a friend of convenience, an associate?
It's hard to find people who listen these days, really hard to find, if you have somebody that's a good listener, somebody who is a good thought partner, a good coach, those are really great people that bring into your world, and again, the people that make you feel grounded, the people that make you feel like you can just breathe without being concerned that you don't have to hold in your tummy, the people that don't care if your hair is not perfect or you don't have makeup on that day. I'm using these more as metaphors. Those are the folks that I think sometimes come in, in and out of our lives, and we don't grab the opportunity to really make them more important people in our own worlds. So being more aware, being more tuned into those people, and at the same time looking at some of the other folks that maybe you do call friends and releasing them a little bit.
Doesn't mean you say to them, go away, go away. I don't want to be friends anymore, but maybe not putting so much expectation on them, maybe not keeping them as your go to people, because, again, life's short. We have limited time, and if somebody does, is going to be judgmental, somebody is not going to be doing things in your best interest. You know, let them go. Give them a little bit more leash. Let them. Let them be part of your world, but maybe not that inner circle. So I want to take just a breather here. Give you a minute to concentrate on not just our sponsor, but a little bit of what I said. And when we come back, I want to challenge you to think about what could you do if you feel in like that day that I mentioned that I wake up and you go, I don't have enough friends. I don't have good enough friends. What can we do? All right, we'll be right back.
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All right, so I'm going to tackle this challenge I left you with before the break in two ways. One is to challenge you to think about if you don't feel like you have enough good enough friends. And I say good enough like those one or two people that you would call your 911 friends, the ones that I need some help. I need to just talk. I need a lift somewhere, please. I'm in an emergency, whatever, whatever scenario you want to put those people that you can call that you can depend on. You don't have those in your life. I would invite you, first and foremost, to think about who is in your world and make the effort to tell them that you consider them your best friend or one of your best friends, to let them know that that is how you think about them, and if they don't say that, the same thing back to you. All right, maybe you realize that they're not the one for you. But don't just assume it, confirm it, confirm it. Find out from them if they feel the same way about you, and if the answer is no, then maybe move on to the next person. You know they may say to you, well, it's very flattering, Alyssa, but you know, that's not the relationship that I have in my head. Okay, okay. It sucks. It may hurt, but at least confirm it. You know, I I've always thought of you as a best friend, and I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you. Oh, Alyssa, I feel the same way about you. Oh, my goodness, if you heard those words, it would feel really good, wouldn't it nice? Confident confirmation. Now the second scenario is, let's say there aren't people like that. You feel like you could even have that conversation with so you're saying yourself, okay, that's great. But where do I find those people? Well, part of the job here is taking the step being the first person that shows that commitment to somebody else.
So again, think about the collection of people that you have in your life. The collection being even your 711 or maybe even your 411, friends. And is there somebody in there that you go, they have the potential to be a really good friend, to be somebody that I could count on, and promoting them, as I said earlier, promoting them in the sense that you could even say to somebody, I know it might sound a little weird, but say to that person, you know, we don't know each other very well, but I'd like to get to know you a little bit better. I feel that like you and I have a lot in common. Can we go get a cup of coffee? Can we go out for a beer? What? Whatever floats your boat, but making the effort, you know, can we get on the phone once a week, whatever, right? Any of those kind of things that you're making an effort to get closer to somebody. Don't wait for it to happen. Take the initiative.
Now, if you are saying to yourself, there's nobody in my collection that's like that, that that you would put that effort to, that you would want to put the effort to all I can say is maybe change up some of your stuff. You know, maybe go take some courses at Adult Education venue to meet some new people. Go and try a new sport or try a new hobby or something that exposes you see some new people, because at the end of the day, when I wake up and I say to myself, I suck. I don't have people that would come to my rescue. I have to remind myself who are the people I would go to rescue. And it reminds me that I would drop whatever I'm doing and go and be with my 911, buddies and I know that they would do the same for me. So it's a mutual, bi-directional relationship. We have to make those happen, and those are the ones that give us confidence that not only do we have people in our lives that are there for us, but we serve a very important part in their lives as well. All right, my friends, I hope that served you well. And as usual, I am grateful for your listenership, and any kind of feedback is always welcome. Thanks so much for tuning in.
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now. This is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
