EP 108
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence, I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
Many years ago, my son Ben, asked everyone at the dining room table, including my father, who was there at the time, to tell somebody on the right side, to tell the person sitting there on the right side something that you think they are particularly known for, something that they do really well, some something special, that that really kind of is their mark on the world. It was really, really profound for Ben at the time, who was a teenager, to ask that. But you know, we would do things like this a lot at our table, at our dining table.
So my father turned to me and said, Lis, you're solid. I said, dad, what the hell does that mean solid? And he said, I don't know. I don't know how to describe you're just solid. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Your feet are planted on the ground. Not a lot shakes you. And subsequently, you just, you know, you're a very solid person. I'm kind of like, All right, thanks, Dad. Couple years later, my sister says to me, as I walk into a bigger family event, I'm so glad you're here. I said, well, of course, I'm here. She goes, No. I mean, I'm glad that you finally arrived, because when you get here, it just makes me relax. It makes me feel calmer. I was like, Okay. And then over the years, subsequently, I would start noticing that even strangers would say things like that to me. They would say things like, your energy is very positive, but it's also really consoling. And things I literally I'd walk in an elevator people would tell me this and still do that. When I'm in the room, it seems to just calm it down. And recently, I had somebody new I met literally said it to me after I I said something to them, like two sentences, she's she's turned around, she goes, wow, you have an amazing way of just making people feel calm. I feel better and safer right now.
So I really wanted to peel this apart a little bit and figure out, like, what am I doing? What? What is the specific thing that I'm doing that's making people feel this way? Because obviously this is part of being confident. We know this, but what are the behaviors? What are the actions? And there's a couple things that I've included. One is that when you walk into the room, being really attentive, being present, of what's going on, who's in the room, don't just walk in and kind of sit down, take your seat and look down in your lap, at your phone, but really being present, noting everything and as you're having conversations with people, to ask them questions more than you give out information. So in other words, be curious about them. Ask about things that are interesting to you, to them, maybe to them even more than you, rather than talk more about yourself.
Of course, smiling is a huge tool of advantage there, because a genuine smile just gets people in a better place yourself, neurologically speaking, but everybody else too. So a very comfortable smile, reducing your nervous anxiety tells things like twitching or playing with your hair or swiveling in your chair, those things just give out the negative of that you have nervous energy. So again, that kind of detracts from that calmness. So all these things help. But I think maybe the biggest one is when you walk in a room to consciously say to yourself, to be very intentional, that this meeting, this presentation, this family event, is not about you, it's about everyone else, and you're there to support it. Now you're saying, why would you do that? Why would you want to do that? Because here's the secret, the real secret is by being present, by being supportive, by asking questions of other people, they're going to be more interested in you. They're going to be more attracted to you because you're the one person in the room that actually cares. You're the one person in the room that makes them feel that they matter, that they're safe. Whoa.
So when there is a room full of folks, whether it's family, friends, work colleagues, whatever it might be. You know, there's going to be people in that room that all they want to do is talk about themselves. They may be a little arrogant or overconfident, whatever the case may be. They may challenge you. They may be the smartest person in the room that wants to put you down, and instead of losing your cool, you say to that person, wow, Bill, I didn't know that was the case. That's really good to know. Thank you for sharing that with me. Where can I get more information about that Bill because I'd like to learn more. Boy, does that diffuse a bully fast, or somebody who really is just talking about themselves, talking, talking, talking, you know, to some extent, maybe not caring so much about it, and realizing that everybody else in the room knows that that person is just full of themselves and not trying to dodge into the conversation, not trying to push that person aside, because, guess what, when you push them aside, they're going to want to fight back and get their limelight back.
So being that calm person, smiling, genuinely, asking other people, hey, what do you think about that? That's how you get the attention. All right, so I want to take a quick break for our sponsor as always, but I'm going to give you a couple very specific things you can do, not only to achieve that calmness, but to really prevent yourself from falling off the track when that bully or smartest person in the room kind of comes at you and or be prepared when they do all right, we'll be right back.
Want to level up your confidence, your career, maybe even your coaching. Well, then head over to American Confidence institute.com, e-classes are there as well as our coaching certification program, and you don't need any coaching experience to do it. However, if you are an experienced coach, you can get ICF and SHRM continuing credit. It's fast and easy. If you work in an organization, consider bringing in a kick ass keynote or uniquely engaging workshop. We also have team learning programs, and they all apply to both your personal and professional life, which makes them really special. They're great for ERGs, the leaders, the member programming, or really any type of professional learning and development in your organization. So give us a holler at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.
Alyssa Dver:
So let's say that you are at a meeting, a big meeting, and there's, you know, executives in the meeting, and people there that you know are going to be a little arrogant, a little bit too much into themselves, a little bit incompassionate, not compassionate, uncompassionate. I don't know what the word should be, but that are not particularly emotionally intelligent. Let's put it that way. One thing you can do again is just intentionally walk in that room with that calm and that you know, I'm here to support the folks that are here, and I I'm here to be the person who is the one that actually cares about everyone else, sure, but also tell yourself, you know those three people every time in a meeting with them, every time I have an interaction, they make me feel lousy. They don't ask me anything about myself. They brag about their own stuff, and just be conscious that you're about to go into that situation with them. I have a little exercise in our American Confidence Institute toolkit that's called people I'm allergic to, because just like a regular allergy that makes you sneeze, that makes you feel yucky, there's certain people that can trigger the same reaction, right? I feel yucky around these people, so not only trying to avoid them if you can, but at least being ready to kind of not be so reactive to them. That you know that Esther in accounting is going to rub you the wrong way, and you're just like, Hi Esther. It's nice to see you. And that's it, right? You don't give Esther additional ammunition, and if Esther starts coming at you with all kinds of stuff, to just smile and say, That's really nice to hear Esther. That's great, right? So that you don't kind of make Ester, allow Ester to get under your skin.
Another exercise like this is something we call inside out pet peeves. This is one of my favorite because they're so simple and so bloody powerful. So an inside out pet peeve, you find something that really ticks you off, something that normally would trigger you, so maybe it is having conversation with somebody that never asked you about you, right, that that just tells you about them. That might be a pet peeve, or another pet peeve could be I hate it when people don't hold the door open, or I hate it when people don't send a thank you card, or you name it. You name it. I hate it when people are not on time. And when you turn the pet peeve inside out. I hate it when people are on time becomes I really appreciate it when people are on time. So, like I said, really easy, I appreciate it when is the flip people are on time, and what you recognize very quickly, is the value statement, right? So I have a value that people are on time. I like to be on time. I like other people to be on time. My time is valuable to me. So that's, it's a really nice way of, kind of elevating something that would normally trigger you, and you go, yeah, you know, because it's really important to me.
So when somebody's not on time for a meeting with you, or whatever it might be, you can say to them, you know, I really appreciate it when people are on time, and you can say that in a way that is expressing your value to them. In fact, when they are on time, it's even more powerful. Hey, you know, that was awesome. I really appreciate when people are on time, so you're reinforcing a behavior that you want from them because it's important to you. So I love pet peeves, but they also are really just fun to do, because when you feel that sense of that frustration when something happens, take that as a moment that you go, Oh, that violates one of my values and subsequently makes me less confident, makes me get off my rails, that I want to really rail into that person and tell them how much it pissed me off. You can tell them that it might make you feel better in the moment, but later on, you're probably not going to feel as honorable so mark that like, almost like an allergy, very similar, that it's something that happens that somebody does, could be anybody, for that matter, that does, that makes you feel lousy. And so instead of feeling lousy when it happens, go, oh yeah, that violates my values. Here's how I'm going to deal with it in a more productive way.
Now the third thing today's podcast that I'm going to give you is to not take yourself so seriously. And what I mean by that is when you're in a situation and somebody bullies you, or somebody violates a value, does something that ticks you off, and you lose your shit. You lose it, you get mad, you say something, you do something that you later go that was not my best. Well, first and foremost, realized you're human. We all screw up like that. I do it myself, but I own it. I go back to the person or the people and say, you know, I didn't react very well before that was not my best self, and I apologize, and I'm going to try and do better next time. So own it. Don't take yourself so seriously. You're not perfect, and at the same time, learn from it, right? Realize that that wasn't so good. What am I going to do differently next time? And kind of analyze it a little bit without ruminating, going, Oh, I should have said. I should have said. I should have said, No, I didn't say. I wish I had said, and next time I'm going to say, alright.
So my friends, owning the room. Walk in. Remember that you're there to support everyone else and at the same time, be prepared. Be mindful, be present. Smile, listen, and if for whatever reason, you say something or something ticks you off, puts you off kilter, own it. Don't take yourself so seriously. Everything is fixable in that sense, and if you do those things, I really believe that you too can be solid, you can be confident. You can make other people not only feel safe and happy to see you, but they're going to be more interested in what you have to say, more interested when you walk in the room, and overall, more respectful, because you make them matter.
Before we totally wrap up. I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and. Other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
