EP 94
Welcome fellow confidence, crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, real confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
Emily McCavanagh came into my world pretty recently. But I have a feeling we're going to be friends forever. I really enjoyed meeting you, Emily the other day. And as we were talking about confidence and training people and the importance of exercise, and you came back with this program that you're working with teens, and I get asked a lot about teen confidence. It's not really my center of focus, but it's yours. So I'm so happy you're here today to answer and bring some wisdom to all those people that need some help with their teens.
Emily McCavanagh:
Thank you for having me, I really appreciate the opportunity to connect and share and hopefully help support more, not only teen athletes, but just teenagers in general.
Alyssa Dver:
That's great. I love it. And you know, you do you have a really interesting story about leaving corporate world and becoming a fitness expert. And now into the teen fitness and teen confidence area. We'll post your bio on the podcast for sure. But you know, from your vantage point, and you coming at it also as a parent, like what's happening with teen confidence these days.
Emily McCavanagh:
It's interesting, you know, much of the work I do always comes out of a need from someone approaching me whether it be in my fitness studio to say, hey, do you have any ideas for how I can support this, and a parent came up to me and said, I have a child who has been asked to be a captain, and they just aren't ready to lead. And I think much of this has come out of COVID many teens have lost their ability to connect with each other. And they have I've seen a decrease in teens interpersonal skills, much of that, I think is due to some academic pressures that have been put on them, because a lot of the schools are kind of behind. And I think that what's really at the root of it is that kids are so afraid to fail. So they stopped taking risks. And as you know, much of confidence comes out of risk and reward.
Alyssa Dver:
You know, and that's what really kind of got me thinking when you said that the other day, because we always are so quick to say social media, and they're always on their phones. Well, is that the problem? Or is that the symptom? And I think clearly what you're saying it's a symptom because it's easier to interact on a phone, less scary, less risky. And, you know, it's hard to sort of so to speak, fail, as opposed to walk up to somebody have that interaction. So I think it's a really powerful observation. And I think it really reframes you know, I have kids that are no longer teenagers, but they, you know, they they still sometimes have challenges interpersonally and the pressure to fail isn't new. So, you know, you said COVID? And is that new is a different since COVID. Do you think?
Emily McCavanagh:
I do think it's different since COVID. And you touched upon it, I think social media, although it can be used for good, like so many of these tools. I think for kids, it leads many teams down a rabbit hole of comparison. And I think, you know, one of my favorite quotes is comparison is the thief of joy. And that's what I see often is these kids are, they're not focusing on their own strengths. They're looking at what others are doing. And more often than not, the people they're following and looking at a lot of those stories are fabricated to look and feel a certain way.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, and I'll go so far to say it's not just teens, I mean, we do it.
Emily McCavanagh:
Absolutely. I find myself Mindlessly scrolling and I can tell you it, it changes it changes my mindset, it changes my chemical makeup, so I hate to blame everything on one thing but I do think that that has led to where we're seeing more of those those pressures through social media.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, so compare comparing ourselves to me to unrealistic expectations online. You know, the beauty the success though. Everybody's having fun FOMO I'm not right. All of that plus, like you said, the fear of failure, the additional pressures and on top of it the COVID, you know, elephant in the room that they didn't get a lot of practice doing it for the last couple of years. So all these kinds of root causes, if you will? Yeah.
Emily McCavanagh:
And I'll just add to that, I think being an adolescent is just very challenging. And that hasn't changed throughout the years, it's always challenging. There's hormones coming in and out of their body at a pace that they can't keep up with. And, you know, I have a 16 year old son and a 17 year old daughter, so we are in the thick of it in this house. And I think, too often we focus on, hey, let's just get them through it. Let's just get them through this time, as opposed to, how do we help them kind of elevate themselves through this time, instead of just saying, Let's get them through it?
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, well, so talk a little bit about some of the implications and start with like, the short term, you know, you have these teams that have a low confidence, I guess, we would say, or, you know, they're afraid to fail in a very sabotaging way. So what what is the implication short term? And then of course, we'll talk about longer term.
Emily McCavanagh:
Yeah, I think short term, we see a lot of teams start to isolate themselves, many become anxious and depressed. And I think persistent low confidence can lead to having very challenging relationships, both with your peers, and your parents, and anyone who supports you, even inside the home or outside the home. So I think, you know, long term, that can be very challenging when you're trying to pursue things academically or career wise. So I think what we're trying to avoid is that long term effect of having it impact your self perception in a in a negative way, not these positive self perception.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah. And, you know, when they don't attempt to do things, whether it's be a captain on the team, or apply for a particular school, whatever it might be, you know, that sense of accomplishment, that sense of experience, that sense of real life experience doesn't happen. So it's kind of self perpetuating, right? They don't come out of their shells, and as a result further, further, kind of get even less and less confident as a result, I think.
Emily McCavanagh:
Yeah, and even as I started to develop the captain's collaborative, it started with captains, but then it has morphed into students who want to focus on a leadership role at any point in their life. Because to your point, I think it's just important for kids to learn these skills, and identify their strengths at an early age, so they can they can feel better about themselves.
Alyssa Dver:
Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more. I want to come back, though, because you did decide to focus on captains and I think like, a leader or a manager, or an executive, for that matter, somebody or teacher, even Sony, as a title, that all of a sudden kind of promotes them into a place where people assume that they're capable and confident is, is just a bad assumption. So, you know, in the business world, sometimes people who are super successful in sales or something else like that, they will get promoted, and all sudden be a manager. And that doesn't mean they're going to be a great manager, the kids that are getting promoted to captain, do you think they're doing, they're getting that promotion, if you will, because they're great leaders? Because they're great athletes. And subsequently, what happens?
Emily McCavanagh:
Well, it's a great question. Many believe that because someone excels at something like sports, their confidence is high. And athletes in particular, they have a lot of self doubt, you know, they have pressure and they more often they're constantly battling, battling through feedback, whether that be from coaches, from their teammates, from their parents, everyone is giving them input at all times. And it's not always in a manner that's constructive. So it can be very debilitating for an athlete. And I think for me, starting with the athlete was very personal, because both my children are athletes. And oftentimes parents will say, Oh, your kids don't have to worry about this because they play sports. But not be further from the truth. My daughter struggles with anxiety and depression. And it's been something that we've worked on for a really long time. And I think some of that actually came out of sports, because there's just so much feedback and input coming at her all the time.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, in fact, you know, I was talking with somebody else on the team here at ACI this morning. Her son plays hockey, and they are on a travel team and she says, You wouldn't believe the, I guess she used the word aggression of some of the parents like yelling and screaming and she says, You know, it's dads, sometimes it's moms, and they are really screaming at their kids from the sidelines, and I was like, Does anybody think that that? And, you know, my heart bleeds for those kids, because that's a lot to take, especially from a parent, let alone a coach or a colleague. It's a lot going on. So, these student athletes, they get into these leadership roles as captain or whatever it's called in their respective sport. What happens? Like? Do they all of a sudden freak out? And they can't do it? Or what do you see more often than not?
Emily McCavanagh:
Well, it's, yeah, they don't focus on their strengths, they think they have to be this certain type of captain to be a leader. And oftentimes, what I tell my students is, you don't even need to be a captain to be a leader, right, we just have to help you identify what your strength is, and then how they can help their team. So I think, to your point with you having all this feedback from from parents, and from coaches and things like that, that can cause a very negative mindset for an athlete. And if you can have a captain that can change that for you, and that can show empathy and consideration, and be courageous and stand up for you. That can be a game changer. So really, what I want to focus on with the students is helping them first and foremost, discover their strength, because I don't think a lot of kids understand what their strength is, and then helping them realize what is the value that that strength can offer to their team.
Alyssa Dver:
That's great. So in the program, you're doing some strengths analysis, you're helping them sounds like learn how to coach their fellow teammates.
Emily McCavanagh:
Yes, the curriculum is called The Teammate s Captain. So it's, I focus on three C's. And that's being consistent being courageous and being compassionate. And that's what I call a teammate s captain. And so it's very different than I think, how we've elevated captains in the past, you know, they're supposed to be the toughest, and they're supposed to be the leaders. And they're supposed to be the best player on the field. And I'm sort of trying to take that a little bit and flip that I don't want to take those qualities out of the athletes, because that's part of what makes them so special. But I want to show them just how far being a compassionate leader can go. And part of that is that I hope that takes them into the real world as they get older, because I'd like to see more compassion in our leaders.
Alyssa Dver:
That s great. So here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to take a quick sponsor break, we want to give a little sponsor love. When we come back, I want to ask you two questions like when leaders appreciate that and get that, that training from you specifically, like what what kinds of things change, what have you seen to be the impact? And the second thing is if there's parents out there listening, and they're like, What can I do aside from enrolling them in your program? Is there something that a parent can do right now to really helped their team captain or not with their confidence? So, Emily, we'll be right back.
Thank you for sticking with us listeners. This podcast was sponsored by the American Confidence Institute. ACI uses basic brain science to quickly raise real sustained confidence. Our most popular workshop is how to coach confidence. And participants often note, it's the best training they've ever done. The course teaches a 15 minute methodology that anyone can master to tackle any type of Confidence Challenge. So if you're a professional coach, maybe you're interested in exploring becoming a coach, or simply want to use some coaching in your everyday job, and life. Let's talk about bringing a workshop to your workplace, or upcoming event. ACI certification can be added and grants ICF or SHRM credit if you need that, too. You can check it all out at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.
Alyssa Dver:
Okay, so let's talk Emily about you know, you've worked with a number of teams and you see their you know, that weight come off their shoulders where they don't have to be the best and superstars and captains and leaders and all those things that there came into that role with the expectation and now all sudden, they realize, you know, I can just be compassionate, like you said, I can be a good coach and a friend. What changes for the athlete in that moment, like you see their face, you see their body like what like what, what's the metamorphosis that you see?
Emily McCavanagh:
So, I would say they become more empathetic. That is the biggest shift that I have seen in my student leaders, and they start to realize it's almost like, it sounds corny, but they have sort of this lightbulb moment where they start to realize that in helping bring others up, they can achieve more as a team. And so they shift from this moment. Tality to an our mindset, you know, like we go to our family, and they start to use words like family and connection. And a couple of the kids did some public speeches, they did what's called a a teammate speech. And they were using words like, I want to make sure that I care for all of you, I want to make sure that we do activities that bring us all together. Whereas when we started, those things were not elevated as important factors in being a leader to them. So we went from those things not even being mentioned, to in six weeks having a total transformation, where I now had 20 kids who I'm putting back into a system, who understand that care and compassion are, you know, top things that a leader needs to have needs to have?
Alyssa Dver:
I love it. I hope I'm not insulting in any way. He happens to be my favorite all time show, but you're like teaching them how to be more like Ted last. Oh, and I love that. Just love it.
Emily McCavanagh:
Yes, I mean, if that is the biggest compliment you could ever give me I hope I put more Ted lasses into the world.
Alyssa Dver:
Oh, I love it. So let's put some more lessons in the world right now. I mean, there's people who are listening, whether they're parents, aunts, uncles, coaches, trainers, one thing that they can do to really help a team that they know that they care about, not necessarily a Ted Lasso in one shot, but is there something that you just know, like everybody should do and help a team that they can, they can really impact?
Emily McCavanagh:
Yeah, I think this came from one of the students that I recently just worked with, and she used the word vulnerability, and that she has found power in being vulnerable. And I think we have to help our student athletes understand that from failure comes so much success. And as parents, oftentimes we're always focusing on how many goals did you get? Did you score? Did you? How did the team do? Did you win? And instead, I think we need to flip that conversation and say things more like, was it fun? How did the team get alone? Was there a synergy with you and your team? So asking more questions that focus on character, verse, what was the outcome of the team, I think will really start to help athletes start to shift their mindset around. The only way I'm going to be a successful captain is if my team wins a championship. And I think what makes a successful captain and a successful leader is was your team on the field supporting each other as the last minute of the time tick down?
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, I love it. I love it. Emily, such great gems today. I know you have many, many more. And if people wanted to connect with you learn some more about you about the program. What's the best way to do that?
Emily McCavanagh:
The simplest way is just to email me at [email protected].
Alyssa Dver:
Terrific, I really want to thank you for being here today with me for sure. Becoming a new friend, hopefully for a really long time forever. But thank you for all the teams that you're helping. It is a space that I feel very passionately about. But it is a very different and it comes with its own challenges. So thank you so much for being such a crusader in that space.
Emily McCavanagh:
Thank you for supporting me as well. I really appreciate it and I look forward to many more conversations with you.
Alyssa Dver:
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
