EP 90:The Confidence to “Unhide”
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence, I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
I have the pleasure of introducing you to somebody that I hope I'm not going on a dangerous path here because I think she and I are going to be best buddies forever, because I just love this woman, and I'm sharing you sharing her with you today. Ruth Rathblott. She is, like me, she's a belonging geek. And I love that all about inclusion and a TEDx speaker as well. I'm going to not read the full bio here because I want to have people hear directly from you, Ruth about your story. Suffice to say you are incredibly credentialed as a former CEO, you have had an incredible, professional and personal journey. So rather than me, not give it its full justice. I want to jump into our discussion if that's okay.
Ruth Rathblott:
I love it. Let's do it.
Alyssa Dver:
All right. So why don't we start right that in there? Well, can you give a quick summary kind of like why we're even here today together.
Ruth Rathblott:
I love the term Alyssa belonging geek. Because for so much of my life, I wasn't a belonging geek, I felt so excluded in this world, I felt so different. And I felt like I had to hide part of myself to join the belonging. And so why you and I are here, I think is to be able to dive into that story a little bit, and possibly what your listeners may be hiding themselves, because I've definitely found in my story, and in writing and research that hiding is universal.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, well, before we get into hiding, because this is an obvious word, but there's a lot packed in there. You really had this incredible have had, and continue to have incredible career, but you are in the corporate offices. Can you tell a little story about what you shared with me? What happened? Like, what was that awakening for you that you had to start talking about? unhiding? Because people don't know you yet. They're gonna want to know you after the story, though.
Ruth Rathblott:
Sure, we were in a conversation about diversity and leadership. And I was running an organization and we were talking about what did diversity mean? And it was really Alyssa in the heart of Black Lives Matter being ignited and George Floyd's death. And I asked what I thought was kind of a naive question. I said, do you see me as diverse? And the answer back was not really. You're a white female, you're maybe the gender thing with female? And I said, okay, that's the lens of diversity. What about my limb difference? What about my disability? And the answer back to that was, oh, we don't see you like that. And I paused and I said, I'm not actually asking to be seen as anything. I'm asking for it to be acknowledged as part of the diversity conversation because as I started to think about the DEI panels I'd been on and gone to, I started to realize that disability was often missing from the conversation. And we were focusing on critical pillars, don't get me wrong, like race and gender and maybe sexual orientation, were showing up a lot. And disability, the visible and the non-appearance weren't coming into those conversations. And when I think about diversity and the definition of diversity, it's about difference. And it's about valuing different experiences and different perspectives. And I have to tell you, Alyssa, I got mad after that conversation, and I started to reach out to my corporate partners and ask them how they were talking about it. And, and what I realized is, yeah, I could get really mad, but the truth is, I hadn't shared my story of being born with a limb difference, and a disability at all, I hadn't talked about that journey. I hadn't shared the challenges that came with hadn't shared some of the joyous moments and the successes that came with it with anyone. And so how can I expect people to see my disability or to acknowledge it if I wasn't doing that either?
Alyssa Dver:
So would you mind sharing a little bit more information? I have the benefit of seeing you and meeting you via zoom but our listeners are only hearing . So when you say a limb deformity or a limb disability, what does that mean?
Ruth Rathblott:
Yeah, it's a limb difference it I was born missing part of my left hand. And so I was born in the days when sonograms weren't a thing. So just to age me a little bit sonograms. I showed up and in June, and I, my parents were shocked, I showed up with part of my hand missing. And so the doctors were actually even shocked the nurses too. And the beauty of a nurse that was in the ER that day was that her advice to my parents was, you'll take this little girl home, and you'll treat her as normal, you'll treat her like you would any other child, you'll encourage her to do everything. And so while I have this missing hand, as a child, I was encouraged to do everything.
Alyssa Dver:
That's awesome. I mean, it's awesome that your parents kind of embraced that. At the same time. I wonder, do you remember being frustrated or angry then that they were making or trying to have you do things that you're like, but I can't?
Ruth Rathblott:
No, I think I'm glad that they encouraged me because it made you know, someone. And again, I think some of your listeners may relate to this Alyssa is those of us who have felt different, especially around disability, we often have to figure things out. So we are the best out of the box thinkers you can find, right? The we come up with creative solutions. We're innovative in their approaches. So I appreciated that. Where I felt frustration, and I talked about it in my book, Single Handedly, is the space of being able to talk about it out loud, being able to be have questions asked when I started because 13, my world kind of changed, I went and started a new school. And like anyone who starts something new, you kind of want to fit in, right, you want to find friends, especially at 13, it almost feels like it's magnified that idea that needs to fit in. And so I tucked my hand into my pocket, needing to fit into all the other kids thinking they wouldn't like me if they knew. And my parents witnessed that hiding. And yet, we didn't have space to talk about it. There wasn't that space to talk about what was challenging, what was hard. And I often share with parents who have children who have differences or disabilities creating, or just children, because there's a lot of things that are going on when you're a teenager, just creating the space for open dialogue for communication. Sometimes noticing what's going on with your child, even if they say everything is fine. Just digging in a little. I wish I'd had that.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, and I say that I'm almost like choked off here because my son is disabled as you now my older son. And for folks who know my work, it's really was the impetus for everything I do in my world, career and otherwise. But it's hard, like, you know, especially when you're going through those teen years, and you do want to fit in. And then I would say even now as he's entering the workforce, as he's having relationships with people outside of the workforce, he does want to hide a bit still. So let's talk about that word hiding. What does that really mean to you when we say I mean, you've written a whole book on on hiding. So what is hiding? And how does it impact people?
Ruth Rathblott:
Hiding is a problem. Hiding is problem because it's telling yourself that there are parts of you that others won't accept, possibly, they'll reject or judge you. And so we hide so that people don't see that part of ourselves. And what I found Alyssa, and the research and the writing, and just even being able to talk to people about this idea of hiding is that hiding found three things to be true. Hiding is universal. And it shows up in so many different ways. Whether it's somebody hiding their disability, whether it's visible or not apparent, hiding can look like hiding your education, your family background, your finances, your weight, your height, your physical appearance, your relationship status, it can be all of those things, because it's based in fear, fear that someone again will reject you or judge you if they find out about it. That's so hiding is universal. That's number one. Second, hiding is exhausting. It's often takes a toll on our mental and our physical health. So if you're constantly worrying and forecasting so that people don't find out that's how you spend your time. And it's exhausting. And I can see you nodding.
Alyssa Dver:
I'm going Yes. And you're right everyone. I think almost everyone probably everyone has something that they're hiding, right.
Ruth Rathblott:
Something that they're hiding. I was on a plane recently and I'm one of those people is a who loves to talk to people that I sit next to on planes. I'm in the minority. I totally recognize that most people put their earbuds put their sunglasses on, put a hoodie over. And yet I was talking to the person next to me. And we were taught, we got to the point of the discussion where we say, Oh, what do you do for a living? What do you do? And I shared how I work with leaders to create cultures so that people can unhide and thrive and belong. And I talked about a little bit about my hiding. Immediately. Alyssa, he put his head down and he said, I never tell anyone this. And I said, what? He said, I don't tell anyone that I never went to college. And I said, why? And he said, Because I'm so afraid that if someone finds out, they'll think I'm not smart enough. I'm not a good business person. He said, So when those conversations come up around college, and where did you go to college? Wasn't it the best four years of your life? Where are your kids going to college, he said, All I want to do is leave the room and exit. I look, it's exhausting to have to figure out all the time how not to be part of those conversations that are so quote, unquote, normalized by adults.And that's where it's exhausting, it takes a toll and you're constantly worried someone's gonna find out.
And the third thing I found out is that it's incredibly lonely. Because most of us walk around thinking we are the only ones hiding something. And we're not, I was wrong, I thought I had invented hiding Alyssa, I didn't invent hiding, I found out that most of us are hiding something, and covering part of ourselves, and especially when it comes to the workplace. And that's where I see it most detrimental, because we spend so much of our time in the workplace. And yet, we don't always feel like we're seen or heard or that we belong, because we're hiding that part of ourselves. And we don't feel comfortable sharing it because someone, again, will reject us or judge us.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, and, and as you were kind of describing that gentleman, you know, like, there's people who will hide the fact that they're taking care of a loved one, or that maybe their kids are in, in a crisis, and they don't want to admit to themselves little into other people that they're not being, you know, stellar parent in that regard, right? There's so many things, not just, you know, that are us physically or emotionally, but the things around us that we hide, right?
Ruth Rathblott:
I talked to two moms recently who are successful business women. And they said, they don't talk about their children at work, or that they have children at work, because people won't give them the assignments there. That's their fear is that they won't get the assignments, or that people will think they care too much about their outside life and not their internal life. It's a lot of hiding.
Alyssa Dver:
It's a lot of Harding. You know, just to put it in a business context to like, you know, I work a lot with the employee resource groups around the world. And a lot of them now, and particularly ones that are LGBTQ will talk, disability neurodivergent, their members are telling them, we want information, we want connection, but we don't want to be identified. Yeah, we want to come in anonymously. And that just breaks my heart, because it's this fear of, of course, being identified in that, you know, category. And they're like, look, I just don't want my employer to know. So the cost of that exhaustion and at hiding, so when you talk about hiding and the implications of it, and of course, your whole campaign to get people to unhide. I'm sure there's people out there being worried that people will reject on that there is a consequence of unhiding. What have you seen and heard? And how do people maybe deal or mitigate that?
Ruth Rathblott:
I think that it's interesting, I think that it does have an impact in the workplace when you're hiding. And let me just say that because it definitely dovetails to the unhiding with the freedom that comes from unhiding. Because what the hiding does is it impacts our retention, right? It impacts the way that employees feel engaged in the company, and even how they show up and how innovative they are. And yet, I can understand those employees who are saying I don't want to identify it because two things haven't happened.
One is it hasn't been a value of different experiences and different perspectives in terms of measuring it right. We haven't said we as a company, we want to measure this because we want to impact what's going on for our employees. We want to take care and support our employees. That's number one. The second that I see often is leaders aren't willing to go first. They're not willing to unhide themselves. They're not willing to share those vulnerabilities or identify with a certain group because they to hold that fear of rejection and judgment. And so if we're really thinking about transforming culture, it starts with leadership. It starts with leaders, breaking down the silos I load around old school leadership mentality of keep people at arm's length, don't be vulnerable, have to have all the answers, if leaders and that's why I've engaged in kind of these fireside chats with executives, which is this idea of having creating a space for leaders to model, what it's like to unhide and be vulnerable. So their teams see that that's something that they value.
And the second is the idea of having leaders showcase that this is a safe space that because that's part of the ERG, beauty and power is that shared experience and that shared safe space of being able to talk about these things that for a while, we felt like we had to hide. And so until those two things happen, where we start to prioritize measurement and outcomes, because we're actually going to solve for it, not just check a box and say, This is how many people we're serving here with these things, because I think people read through that. And the second is leaders going first, we can't unhide safely. That's not the reality. So how do we create a space where leaders have that as their mantra unhiding as their mantra and manifesto, that's the workplace I'm looking to create is that culture, where differences are valued and experiences are valued?
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, like I said, In the beginning, you just, you're so well spoken about this, but it makes so much sense to write like, what, like, I keep hitting my head going? Why? Why is it taking us so long as a culture to recognize this isn't like, you know, if you're, you have a disability, I there's this guilt about it, right? Like, we don't want to share it because we we feel people are gonna judge us, it's my fault, right? No, this is how it is. And I would love for people to feel, you know, I say this, I'm kind of tongue tied here, because I'm so it's such a passion of mine, being a mom of a disabled individual, because there is a little bit of guilt, I will say, as a parent, like, Am I doing everything for my child. But if you talk to Zach, and I am talking to you, this is who you are. And I love everything about you. And it doesn't mean that I would love you any more or less if you were physically different, right. But in the workplace, it does present some challenges. And I you know, I'd like to ask you, you know, from accommodations and accessibility, like how does that play into some of these situations where we're asking our, our employers, our friends, even, to, you know, hey, I need some extra. Is that is part of the unhiding? How do people handle that?
Ruth Rathblott:
Yeah, I know, you've said so many good things that are that little nuggets that I want to dive into here with you. Because I think first the part about disability, I mean, think about disability, it's been hidden from diversity conversations, like we alluded to, in the beginning. It's also hidden in terms of media. It's hidden. I mean, some people Alyssa don't even want to say the word disability, right, because they think it's a bad thing, or that they're not going to that they're going to offend somebody if they say the word disability. So there's a lot of breaking down some of the mystery or the walls around disability, being able to start to have those conversations, being able to ask the questions that you maybe wanted to ask. Whether it's being a parent of a child with a disability, being able to say, am I doing enough like being able to ask that question, or to what you're referring to to? How do we ask people about their disability? And I often use a framework of it starts with kindness, right? It's a curiosity around kindness, and how are you supporting them? And the third thing that I think is so critical in this after kindness and support is, are you willing to share something about yourself? Right? Because why are we asking questions about people with disabilities when we're not willing to share parts of ourselves with them also. And, and the beauty of this, I guess, is also disability will impact all of us at some point. It's not a scare tactic. But it's a reality. You can be born with a disability, you can acquire one at some point, or you can be taken care of somebody with a disability.
So let's kind of take down those walls around disability that it won't happen to us because it will impact us. It's actually the largest minority group out there. And it will impact from a business standpoint, there is a huge incentive to working with and thinking about disability. I think though, as you as we think about the accommodations piece, we've created a system where accommodations are almost like a tagline to disability. What if we were actually to flip it and say that everyone has the opportunity for accommodations. How do we best set you up for success? In the workplace, what do you need? Not because you have a disability, because we actually care that our people are going to show up as their best selves in the workplace.
Alyssa Dver:
Absolutely, absolutely. I love it. You know, there's a saying, at least in the physical disability space that people make, come up with compensation strategies, right, whether it's how to write or type or whatever compensation. And I used to say, that's not compensated that is creative is what it is, it's just an it can be better, right? Like, just because we've done it this way, our whole lives, right. Needless to say, you know, it is a very personally passionate area for me, obviously, for you, too. And I do think there's a lot of room for improvement in the language and the way that we handle it. What I'd like to do, though, is do a little bit more practical information together, and we're gonna take a really quick sponsor break, we come back if if somebody's listening here, and they are a loved one is been hiding and knows that this is not what they want to do. Would you share some tips for how to really unhide and the way you know, they can do it in a way that makes them feel very confident?
Ruth Rathblott:
Absolutely.
Alyssa Dver:
All right, well, we're going to be right back.
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Alyssa Dver:
So I'm back with such an inspiration. And you've done so much in your career in your life, Ruth, so I'm just so grateful for you sharing your experience and knowledge. And let's get into some really practical tips. Somebody who has any kind of disability, physical,visible, not visible is there are some nuggets you can share. What what makes it easier to unhide? And you know, what can they expect from experience?
Ruth Rathblott:
Absolutely. And why I wanted to talk with you on this podcast is because I think we share this in common. Unhiding is not an overnight process, you don't flip a switch and say, oh, I'm gonna stop hiding that thing about me that I have built these stories in my head. It is like you talk about it's a learned skill, just like confidence. It is not an overnight thing. And so as we think about unhiding, there are really four steps to unhiding that I've created in terms of a framework. And it starts with the first step of acknowledging, acknowledging what it is that you're hiding. What's holding you back from connecting with people, what's holding you back from those career decisions that you're making? What holds you back? How are you hiding? That's the first question that I asked people to think about for themselves. And I actually have a place on my website, Alyssa, where people can share their stories of what they're hiding. Because what I found that once you write something down, you can't unsee it. So that's the first step acknowledge.
The second step is inviting someone in. And it's usually when I say that step to people, Alyssa, people have a go to person that can pops into their mind someone that is their trusted confidant, somebody that they can share anything about themselves, and they won't turn away. For those listeners who can't think of that person. I ask people to think about qualities that you'd want in someone because not everyone is going to be that person for you. But I think about things that worked for me when I stopped hiding, I invited someone in, it was someone who was curious. It was someone who showed empathy. And it was someone who was a good listener. Those were really important things for me, that of someone who I invited in.
The third piece is an after you've acknowledged it and you've invited someone in is starting to build your community. That's the power of like we talked about before the power of ERG groups and I know the work that you do. That's where those shared experiences can really start to transform you to say you're not alone, that there are people all other people who are going through something similar, or have had similar feelings. And what's interesting is, as you start to invite those people in, you start to change the way that you look at yourself and the way that others respond to you. So you start to even build that community out further.
And then the fourth step is sharing out your story. And it doesn't have to be on a podcast like this, right? It doesn't have to be in front of stages of where I talk about it or a TEDx like I did. It can be just a few people, it can be just the few people in your circle, that you shard, start to share out your story. And the power of the story is that it allows someone else to see themselves in you. Right, so that, and I was talking to a young woman who went and shared a team retreat about her anxiety, Alyssa, and the power was out afterward that someone came up to her and shared their story of ADHD and thanked her because they weren't sure how they were going to share it with that hurt their team. So that's the beauty of this, this framework is it becomes a loop. Because once you've shared your story, and someone's seen themselves, they start to acknowledge what they're hiding, they start to invite someone in, build their community, and then share their story becomes this flywheel or loop of help and connection. That's the beauty of unhiding is that it's about connection. And it's actually the key to connection.
Alyssa Dver:
I love it. I love it. I know you talked about the framework in your book single handedly available on Amazon, available in all formats. And did I hear there's another book in the works? I love it. I love it.
Ruth Rathblott:
You did. And I am working on it. And it's if someone had told me when I was writing my first book, and I know you know this, because you've written so many, that if somebody told me, I was going to write a second book, while I was writing my first I never would have believed them. But there's so much more to say.
Alyssa Dver:
Well, and I told you, it's kind of like giving the actual birth you forget about the pain, but needless to say, I'm looking forward to anything and everything that you produce, because you are just a light in this world. And I appreciate it for others on the pod who want to follow you and connect. what's the best way to do that? Sure.
Ruth Rathblott:
There are probably two best ways. One is I spent a lot of time on LinkedIn and having conversations about hiding and unhiding and disability. And then the other way is and that's through Ruth Rathblott. And then the other way is through my website, RuthRathblott.com. That's where I spent a lot of time also
wonderful.
Alyssa Dver:
We're gonna post all that and show notes. I love you. Thank you so much for being here.
Ruth Rathblott:
Thank you, Alyssa. Thanks for giving me time. And hopefully this was helpful to someone out there that needed to hear it.
Alyssa Dver:
I'm sure it is. Thank you. Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
