EP 83: A Journey to Real Confidence
Welcome fellow confidence, crusaders, neuro nerds, success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver. And I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
I am really looking forward to this conversation for a lot of reasons. I think that we're, I'm gonna learn a lot. I know that the listeners well, so John Lawyer, thank you for joining. And I want you to just start by telling a little bit of your story, because even if I read it, it would not probably be half as interesting as you telling it straight from your own perspective.
John Lawyer:
Sure, thank you for having me. Appreciate it. I started out, left home right after high school joined the army did army counterintelligence, and it was right before 911 got through my training 911 happened. And I had spent the next two and a half years on and off in Kuwait. Half my enlistment, and then I became a civilian pretty much doing the same thing. And it's been 18 months in Baghdad, about six and a half years in Kandahar. So about 12 years or so out of the first 15 years of my adult life in combat zones and working 100-110 hours a week, seven days a week. And so this very busy life. And that's kind of how my adulthood started. And that's kind of the base part of my story.
Alyssa Dver:
I mean, I'm literally speechless, because I can't even, it would be irresponsible for me to even say I could imagine. I wonder when you will, let's roll back just for the sake of it for now. But like when you enlisted? Did you ever have that vision that that's where you would end up at like in those massive battle zones?
John Lawyer:
No, I mean, I didn't at all believe that it would have happened like that. I never thought it would have been hard to envision 20 years of war, you know, that the country went into but you know, I had always wanted to do counterterrorism. And I got to do that. So I kind of was like doing what I had always wanted to do. It ends up being not what you thought, but no, I couldn't have ever imagined it.
Alyssa Dver
Counterterrorism. What does that really mean?
John Lawyer:
Oh, basically, you know, we would try to figure out what the quote unquote enemy was doing and try to stop it before you know, bad things would happen interdiction of, of the terrorists and find out where they're at, find out what they're doing, and try to prevent them from doing it.
Alyssa Dver:
Oh, so you know, there's always divine intervention, I think happening around us if we pay attention, I think you and I are meant to speak last night, I was speaking with a young woman who had been a diplomat in Istanbul when the coup attempt was and I'm gonna ask you the same question asked her is you're in a situation where your own life is being threatened every second, but you have this massive responsibility to the people that you're working with and at home and everything. How do you how do you balance something? I mean, did you during that, that time where you're like, I'm gonna die, but or like, what was going through your head?
John Lawyer:
I think at times when like, big events happen, like big attacks, like missile attacks, or like ground attacks, you know, attack the base. Um, like in Afghanistan, I think that it was just, you know, we're taught to do a job. And I think it goes into confidence, which is, you know, the topic of your podcast, right? Like this. It's about believing in yourself, believing that you're doing something that is connected to more than just yourself. And I think that you have to go back within yourself at that moment to kind of make it through those intense moments in your life.
Alyssa Dver:
Well, intense. So here's, here's why we're out on this podcast, right? You doing this unbelievably noble, impressive, I don't even have the words to describe. Wow. Right. And you're there and you know, you can do it. You're competent. So you like you just said you kind of put that in the front of the fear. But then it all came to a halt and you came back. So what happened and what happened to your confidence?
John Lawyer:
Yeah, when I came home after, you know, accident, 15 years total 12 years on and off in the desert, came home. My wife had been with me the whole time, actually. We did the same job. And when we came home, we were both kind of lost, I was lost, I didn't really know who I was, I didn't really know what my identity was outside of that person, this like really driven, intense person. And so I was lost. And I had always been this confident person, and I didn't, you know, I didn't have confidence anymore.
Alyssa Dver:
So lost. Can you break that down a little bit for me? Like, what would that feel like? What did it look like?
John Lawyer:
I think it was not knowing you know, when you don't know who you are, it's hard to figure out where you're at, where you're going, where you've been, and, and I knew I needed to heal, but I didn't even really know where to start. And I was dealing with like, the mental, spiritual, emotional, and there was also a physical trauma of rewiring the brain. And I have Gulf War Syndrome as well. And so like, there was all this stuff wrong with me. And so it's like, well, where do you you know, when you have a messy room, like, where do you start cleaning? Right? Like, where do you start?
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, well, I was shaking my head on screen with you. Because I like yeah, you know, I've experienced the messy room. But I've not experienced that kind of messy self question. And, you know, before we kind of dive into the resolution, because of course, you figured it out. That's why we're here, right. But in that messy moment, I mean, given all the great work that you had done, you still feeling like you didn't know where to go, or what, what do you think in hindsight now, of course, was it?
John Lawyer:
Yeah, well, I think yeah, well, yeah, I think that it's, it's, uh, I think part of it is, you know, especially having been a confident person. And then suddenly, you feel not confident, you have this complete loss of perspective. And you have all this outside, you have this noise right. I think one of the reasons that we lose confidence, I guess, at least for me, is that sometimes we let the noise overwhelm us. And I think that that was part of it is there was all this noise around me from myself, and my thoughts, and all this stuff. And I think that was probably what was overwhelming from not being able to find my competence perspective, was that that background noise, it got really loud.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, you know, I again, I don't want to be diminishing anything here. But when we started American Confidence Institute, at the time, my partner, Lynette, she was working with athletes that were retiring at a ripe old age of somewhere in their mid 20s. Right? They went into either major, major or minor league sport kind of thing. And then at that moment, they also had that noise. I don't know who I am anymore. If I don't play baseball, who am I? Right? So, you know, I want people to realize that even though you have what I would consider very unique story, of course, that I think it can be translated into a lot of other people's people get laid off from their, their work, you know, they often wake up and they're like, I don't know what I'm doing.
John Lawyer:
No, absolutely. I think that I think that, that and I always say like, no traumas, better or worse than other trauma, it's all, you know, it's like, so whether it's a an athlete, or whether it's someone who is a professional expert in their field, suddenly not having that thing that that they identify with. They can't be dramatic. And so it's not just confined to the soldiers. I think this is a problem that many people can have. Yeah,
Alyssa Dver:
So would you would you share a little bit of like, the kind of noise like what are the what were the messages? You were telling yourself? What was it that you were saying, you know, I'm confused. What was it?
John Lawyer:
I think part of it was part of the noise was, you know, you got to do that something, you got to do this, that or the other. And it's like, part of me was saying, well, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to go be that person that I was or whatever I'm going to do would not have the same color, and the same excitement as what I was doing. So I don't want to do it. So I think it's also it's just, it's there's that noise of do this, do this, do this. And then you're saying back, I don't want to do that. I don't want to leave this place. Because it's there's no, there's no excitement to where I'm going.
Alyssa Dver:
So the comfort and the safety, I will say of being home was not really a benefit or didn't didn't over overshadow the benefit of the excitement that you had had in the past. Is that a fair statement?
John Lawyer:
Yeah, absolutely. You want to get back to it. People get you know, it's like, whether you call them extreme sports guys are adrenaline junkies or war junkies, it's all the same thing, right? You get you get addicted to that thing of excitement and your brain gets rewired each phase, even physiological. So yeah, it's definitely it's definitely thing.
Alyssa Dver:
All right. So let's get into the second piece of this in just a minute. I'm going to count our sponsor in we're going to give just give a couple of seconds and then let's talk about how you went from that addiction to where you are now, because you certainly tackled it in a beautiful way. So just give us five.
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Alyssa Dver:
John, let's talk about the moral of the story because it has a happy ending, and you definitely did some hard work to really overcome and you call it noise. I think some people would even say that they're demons, right? They're the ones that can get inside the head. So tell us a little bit about first of all, what was the moment you were like, Okay, now, if I want to do something, what triggered that moment for you?
John Lawyer:
It was a, it was a bit spontaneous. I was laying in bed one night, and I had a moment of clarity, understanding that loving kindness and light. And, and it, it gave me a glimpse into what confidence was again. And I think that was the moment where I was able to kind of turn around.
Alyssa Dver:
So what did you do at that point?
John Lawyer:
I, one of the things that I had done, to be confident in my life before was to be an expert to know things to read, to understand, to learn. So I had this, this new, new moment. And so I wanted to go learn about it. I became, I read a bunch of books, I read 60 books, in four months, I read everything I could I talked to people about it, you know, I kind of immersed myself in it and understanding where I was and who I was, and my connection with other people with, you know, the oneness of the universe, and a connection with myself, I think that's what really helped me regain my confidence.
Alyssa Dver:
So explain that a little bit more for people who aren't familiar with that phrase oneness with the universe and for yourself, Where were you in that process? How do you get there? And where are you now?
John Lawyer:
I think that if you take a step back, and you quiet that noise, or the demons, or whatever you want to call it, when what you're left with is you. And you have to be comfortable with that. I think if you embrace it, and you say, Oh, this is who I am. And I think when I say oneness, I mean a connection with nature, a connection that I you know, I'm part of the universe, I'm started. So are you were the same thing. I think that's a beautiful concept that can tell us who we are at our base level. And I think that understanding and loving ourself, then suddenly, we can embrace that confidence when it comes comes out. Because that we're shedding that noise around us.
Alyssa Dver:
It again, a little, maybe divine intervention on a grand scheme here. But the other night, I was thinking about this, and we're always so worried that we're not doing, being something that we're not. And yet, if we look at the fact that we come to the planet with some purpose, whatever it might be some impact some sense of I'm supposed to be here for a reason. It makes life a lot easier, doesn't it?
John Lawyer:
Oh, I love that you said that. Because part of this whole process for me was I understood, finally understood what my higher purpose was in life. And if you're in tune with your, what your purpose is in life, what your dharma is in life, suddenly that aligned with what you're doing every day, and suddenly, you're just this more calm, peaceful person. And that's, that's kind of like mainlining confidence at that point.
Alyssa Dver:
It is. And you know, from an Institute perspective, we really talk about being clear about your values, needs and wants, and that is, in many definitions of purpose. So your higher purpose, how did you find it? What is it?
John Lawyer:
I kind of understood that my job wasn't to help people, but to help people help themselves and know that their whole inside know that they have a light, whether they can see it the dark or not, and to move forward with that, that they are whole inside that they do have light, they can walk their own path. And I knew that's what I was meant to do.
Alyssa Dver:
And so how does that how does that manifest day to day?
John Lawyer:
You know, one of the things I did was I worked for the past two years every day to to create an online nonprofit spiritual community where people can kind of share their stories share that journeys, and live more column peaceful lives. And I think part of that is finding that confidence. And so that's that that became my purpose.
Alyssa Dver:
Wonderful. And so if you wouldn't mind, please tell people if they want to check out join the community, what's the best way to do that?
John Lawyer:
Yeah, our website is kishar.org. And they can find everything about is right there and check us out.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, and, you know, I often get pitched different guests who want to talk about all kinds of spiritual things. And, and I think the thing that really attracted me to you, to you and your story is that, yeah, it's spiritual. But I think it's very deep, and it's very neuro connected. So in our last minute here, you know, if people were to kind of jump into the community or follow you like, what kind of expectation? Would they have kind of information? Or things do you offer just so they get a better sense?
John Lawyer:
Yeah, we offer daily tools to be grounded. Daily guided meditations, daily journaling, prompts, stuff that you can do that practical that can kind of ground you in your day to day center use so that you have more time and space for this spiritual journey. Because we live in the real world, we have to be in the liberal, we all live in a monastery, right? So it's tools for people to connect as well and have just conversations. And that's not on Facebook, on Instagram. It's just calm and peaceful.
Alyssa Dver:
I love it. I love it. I really want to thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for all the service that you did for all of us here domestically. And you know, just thank you for the work that you're doing and bringing confidence to the world. What a joy to me.
John Lawyer:
Yeah, thank you. And I appreciate the message that you're putting out in the world as well. So thank you for that.
Alyssa Dver:
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is a listen to veer. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
