EP 81: Real Confidence- Confidence After Setbacks
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and successful equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
So, there's sometimes that we have podcast guests that even before I turn on the record button, I just know, it's gonna be fun. And this is one of those days I'm here with Phebe Trotman, a brand-new friend. I barely know her at all. So, I'm gonna start to ask her some basic questions to get us into the groove here. Let us know a little bit more about you, Phoebe, you have a fantastic background. And you were going to talk today about never quitting even when you have a bad day, which is what your book is about. So, tell us like, how did you get to that point where that was your thing to do? I mean, wow.
Phebe Trotman:
Yeah. Well, isn't it interesting how life gives us twists and turns? And first, I want to say a massive thank you so much, Alyssa, for having me here today. I love what you're doing with the podcast. And yeah, the book kind of came out of nowhere. One was I was with some great friends; we were talking about what's next on our entrepreneurial journey. And they're the ones actually who suggested that I write a book. And initially, I was a little hesitant, but they flipped it on me and brought up how much it can help people. And that's really something that I'm passionate about. And so, I'm so grateful, just to have great friends and support. And that's number one lesson for people is just surround yourself with a great community of people who speak life into you and believe in you and encourage you.
Alyssa Dver:
Well, yes, absolutely. But you also were an athlete. And I think, you know, that obviously can teach you a lot about life. So, you know, in hindsight, being an athlete- help hurt, how did that kind of contribute to the path now?
Phebe Trotman:
Being an athlete, I mean, there's so many life skills that I've learned as an athlete that translated so well into the entrepreneurial world and just life in general. And so, I'm grateful for my athletic journey. You know, I've had incredible highs, and I share this that even though there's been amazing highs, like National Championships on different levels, and you know, MVP awards and Player of the Year awards, and all these incredible highlights, the only reason I was able to have some of those successes or all those successes is because of the tough stuff, getting cut from a team, sitting on the bench playing five minutes in a game when I wanted to play 90, you know, losing in a National Championship final. So, all those tough things that I had to push through is why I was able to get to the highs, and that's where a lot of the growth came from is from those challenging moments and pushing through. And that's really when I truly believe that's where our greatness in our we really grow into the person that we're meant to be.
Alyssa Dver:
Well, if you if you can't see the show notes, Phoebe was a world class, I don't even know if that sums it up well enough soccer player/football player for those friends of ours that are overseas. And I think it's easy in hindsight. And I think it's even easier as a listener to be like, oh, she's so awesome. And she was a champion, what is she complaining about? Right, but when you're in those moments of defeat when you're in those moments of being caught. You know, there's the Michael Jordan stories of he didn't make his high school team and you're like, yeah, whatever. Right. So, you know, I think there's people out there that have are in the middle of some kind of a layoff, or maybe some other kind of personal setback, in a way that it's really hard to see that there's a future. So, I'm just can you share some of that it really brought rewind some of your own, you know, traumatic moments, because I think they are traumatic, like, what do you feel? What do you? How do you get through them?
Phebe Trotman:
Absolutely. And I've been through a layoff, so I do understand and empathize with people who are going through that. And one of the things that I did in that moment of being laid off, you know, you feel a roller coaster of emotions. And one thing I always encourage people to do, regardless of where you are right now, is start to paint a vision for where you want your life to look like. And this is an exercise that I do with a lot of people and it's I've done it numerous times over my journey, and it's called your dream day and I encourage people you know, get a journal pen and paper, get somewhere where it's quiet. I also have a workbook that goes through in deeper levels, but just the general overview is what does a dream day look like for you from the moment you open your eyes in the morning to the moment you close them? What do you experience in that dream day? Who do you experience it with and the key two important things are write it in present tense. That's so important. So, write it as if you're experienced it right then and there and get into the feelings of what it looks like to have that dream day. And the reason I encourage people to do that is because it helps you have something to focus on and something to kind of move forward towards, and it really does pull you, especially when you're having those challenging times. And it's hard when you're in it, I completely understand that. The reason I suggest that though is it does help you reframe. And also, gratitude is a huge piece as well, too. And, and not necessarily, I wasn't grateful to be laid off. But I was grateful for the time and having a moment to really focus on what I wanted to look forward to, you know, and so those are two things that I just encourage people is, you know, take some time to figure out that dream day. And even if it's the challenge, what can you be grateful for not necessarily what you're going through, you know, some people like, I'm grateful for that. That way, that's not my story. I wasn't always grateful for what was happening. But could I find something in that that I could be grateful for?
Alyssa Dver:
So, somebody, I have a friend of mine, he always says, There's no such thing as luck. And yet, when you're in that moment of I was cut from the team, I was cut from the company, I didn't get X, I'm not rich and famous, whatever it is that you feel that you fail, that it's easy to say, I'm just not lucky. Did you ever have those moments where you're like, you know, just not lucky? It's never gonna happen?
Phebe Trotman:
You know, that's an interesting question. I don't know if I ever had those moments, because I've always had this, you know, and my parents were just really big on instilling in us in my brother and I, that it, you just you find something to, you know, hold on to even when you're going through those challenging times. And so, it wasn't a matter of not feeling lucky. I think it was just creating your own luck in some ways. And I believe that that you can create your story in terms of moving forward. And even when you're going through those tough times, even yeah, being cut was frustrating. Of course, it wasn't something that I necessarily want it to happen. But it happened, you know, and there were a lot of tears in that time when that happened. And, you know, I had my parents kind of had that, well, what do you want to do? Now it comes down to looking in the mirror and what can I control? And I think that's a big piece of that luck, if you will, as well what can you control in your situation, because the situation is going to happen. It's how we react to that situation that's going to give us an outcome. And when I was cut, it was a reaction of yes, tears, frustration, it's not fair. It's this and that, and then having parents who were like, okay, well, what now? And then it was like, well, I'm going to train so hard and make sure that my skills are where they need to be. So that the next experience that coach is gonna want me on the team. And so, it's that response that I think we have control over. And then we can determine what happens next. And how do we create our own luck, if you will?
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, I am along that line, too. And I think a lot of times these situations that feel unlucky or feel, you know, they just feel like terrible, like, setbacks, oftentimes are a way of life redirecting you, right? It's like another door that you need to go find. But if you're closed off to finding that next step, it's hard. You're very lucky, if you will, that you had great parents in terms of kind of reminding you that it wasn't the end of the road, it was just a detour. Right? And I wonder if people don't have that at home or friends, you know, is there people tools, things that they should look for? To really be that support system? You said find yourself kind of like a group of people but sometimes that's hard. So, it's, you know, is how do you do that if you're feeling like, I just I saw I lost? I don't know, good. I you know, this is the end of the road, like, where do Where do people find that kind of insight, it’s not even inspiration? Maybe what would you call it?
Phebe Trotman:
Like, well, I kind of community or your tribe, but Well, one of the things that I mean, we're fortunate that time that we live in, where there's a lot of resources out there, there's incredible podcasts like this one, where you can get plugged into, and listen to wisdom that's going to feel you and help you now, that's one form. So, I always encourage people, like look for great podcasts, YouTubes I mean, books that you can like, dive into get a highlight or highlight stuff, you know, that's one form of education, and then obviously, events. Now I know live events for some people, it's not possible. But if you can get to a live event, that's where you're going to connect with people. And so, I've made incredible friendships from attending live events. By myself, it wasn't always I went with people sometimes I just went solo and connected and made friends and because of, you know, technology, even when people live in other countries, and you can still connect with them and so I encourage people to look for people that you can connect with whether you form a mastermind, you can go on Facebook, there's communities there as well. Like just type in like positive uplifting community and you know, find something and see what you can give first because a big part of creating a strong community look to give first and naturally you'll receive back and when I say give, value, encourage people comment on their posts, cheer them on, and in turn, you'll feel uplifted as well.
Alyssa Dver
Yeah, I love those ideas. I mean, it does take some self-motivation though, right? Like, Alright, I'm gonna I'm going to do something about this, and you know, we talk About agency self-agency all the time on this podcast, which is you expect the world to kind of give you a helping hand and dust you off. Unfortunately, that's not very realistic. But if you say yourself, you know what, it sucks, but I'm gonna do something about it right. And I suspect that that's something that has to be learned either on the soccer field or at home or from some friends. But at the same time, like you said, there's so many resources. So, you know, we're gonna take a quick sponsor break. And we're gonna talk a little bit more about your book, but I want to know, kind of like, what's your go to strategy? You know, because doesn't matter who you are confidence Crusader enough, all of us here, we have bad days, right? So, you don't mind sharing? I'll share a little bit of mine to is that alright.
Phebe Trotman:
Absolutely. Let's do it.
Alyssa Dver
Alright, cool. We'll be right back.
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Alyssa Dver:
Phebe if people can't see how beautiful your smile is, and I want to say thank you for sharing that with me today. And it's not a bad day because I get to talk to somebody like you. But there's days that I have that are bad for sure. And I have a feeling you do too. So that day you wake up something happens, what do you do? What's your go to? Strategy? What's your go to way of getting through that day? That resilience?
Phebe Trotman:
Yes, so we do have bad days. I mean, we're human beings, life can be challenging, there's going to be those tough moments, a couple of things that I like to do when I am having a bad moment or day, if you will, number one, gratitude is so key. And I actually have a reminder in my phone to help me have those moments of kind of, I have an event calendar. So 9:10pm Pacific every single day, it goes off and it says I'm so happy and grateful that… and the reason I have that prompt is because before I started having more good days and bad, there were a lot of tough times. And so that was I put that in there many, many years ago, to remind me to just stop, pause and be like, what can I be grateful for in this moment. And now gratitude is part of my life. I wake up I find things to be grateful for, you know, when tough stuff happens, and I'm having a bad day, I still just pause and go, okay, what can I be grateful for and it might not get it might not be that situation. I'm grateful I'm alive, it might be as simple yet as important as having that. And so that is one thing that I just encourage people to do, especially when you're going through tough times put a calendar reminder so that it just starts to become habitual. It becomes what you're what you do. The moment you're having a tough day, you are moment you can just reframe for a bit and gratitude again, it doesn't minimize what you're going through. It just helps you shift your perspective. And sometimes that's what we need to just take another step forward. So, what do you do Alyssa, though? What do you do when you're having those like, ah, moments?
Alyssa Dver
That's funny. Well, you say take a step forward. I was trying to think like, well, my last bad day and we got a puppy a couple of weeks ago who of course had one accident actually, I shouldn't say of course, only is that one accident. But that one accident I wasn't expecting. And I stepped in it and tracked it through my house. Oh, no. I wasn't even caffeinated. And, you know, so it was one of those moments where I was like, oh, shit.
And, but you know, I come maybe this is part of getting a little older too. I think, you know, I have this profound respect for comedians who can take a common everyday thing, you know, Jerry Seinfeld and the like, everyday thing and find the humor in it, right? And so literally stop myself from taking another step and be like, this is going to be funny tomorrow. Right? Like, when something really is, it's going to be a good story. It's going to be a good joke. It's going to be it's going to be funny tomorrow. And sometimes I'll even go so far in my head with I won't remember this in a week. Like it's bad today, but I won't even remember it in a week. Like if you say to me, when was the last bad day like you just did? I had kind of like, that's good, right? That's good. So, you know, it is shifting the perspective like you said in a way that you can go you know, and I think both ways that we do it is a way of saying, it's really not that bad. You've lost your perspective, right?
Phebe Trotman:
I love that. I love that. I think that's such a great way. And it's funny too, because as you're talking, I'm thinking about some stuff that's happened. I was like, well, yeah, they became great stories like people, and you know, you tell him, people love it. The other thing I should mention, too, that I do is music. Like, I have some go to songs, that all put on and it just like, shifts it right. And sometimes it's movement, you know, I will go work out. That's another thing I encourage people to do. So have some go to songs that you can pop on your playlist when you are in that kind of, you know, funk, if you will, that just it makes you think of a great moment and experience, maybe it's the lyrics, maybe it's just, you know, the sound of it, get up and just move your body because that'll help shift it as well in terms of perspective and, and help give you some energy too.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, very, very true. In the institute, American Conference Institute's one of our tools, or one of our process methods, we call it three little things, and has to be something really that you can get to quickly and easily like a song. And it's, it's we use them more often when you really are having a bad day or say you something just went sideways on you or whatever. And you're just like, right, it's a way of kind of retracting you. Here's a little subtlety about that for you everything you said plus, when you play that song, you know you've listened to that song before. And you're you got through whatever it was last time you're gonna get through it again to instance you play a little trick on your brain that goes you know what? This song is here, it's gonna play it in the future I played into the pet. It's all good, right? Like I'm it's just a moment in time as all it is that that situation? So, love it. Love it. All right, let's get to brass tacks here. Your book let's just the name of your book never quit on a bad day inspiring stories of resilience, where can people find it. And then if they want to reach out to you and learn more about you, please give them a place to do that.
Phebe Trotman:
Absolutely. So, the book is available on Amazon. So, you can head over there and grab a copy of that, to connect with me my website URL very simple, because it's the name of the book. So, it's just www.neverquitonabadday.com. And you can connect with me over there. And that leads you to whether it's Facebook or Instagram, it's the same thing never quit on a bad day. And I will mention this for the listeners when you go to the website you can actually get a free chapter from the book. So, if you're not ready to take the full leap and go to Amazon and grab it, grab the free chapter because it's all about belief. And belief ties to confidence, as we're talking about today, too. So, I just encourage people to go grab at least the free chapter because it's a powerful chapter about belief, and language and the words that we use to say to ourselves that will help. It'll either help us or hinder us and hopefully the language we're using is helping us move forward.
Alyssa Dver:
Well, the language you just today definitely helped me. So, thank you for at least me, but I know our listeners are going to really enjoy today. So, thank you for your time, your spirit, your smile, and all of the good wisdom that you imparted. Thank you so much for being here.
Phebe Trotman:
Thank you for having me. Thank you for all you're doing to uplift and inspire and encourage people as well keep it up. It's great.
Alyssa Dver:
I appreciate it. Thanks. Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast.I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
