Ep 80
Welcome fellow confidence, crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers this is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe competence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
The first thing I have to say on this podcast is you cannot fake it till you make it. You can't fake it till you make it, you may think you're faking it till you make it in your head, but your body and everybody else's perception is that you're trying too hard. So, with that said, I will tell you that people ask me this so often is how to look more confident. Anytime I'm in a workshop, or leading to keynote, you know, people want to know, how do I look more confident? And I'm going to answer that today, because I think there are some things that not only can you do to be more confident, but it will also help you detect if somebody else is really more confident than they are trying to fake you out. What I mean by that is, these are tells you like when you play poker, a tell is something that your body or your face gives away. But in this case, these are ways to really detect if somebody is or is not confident.
So, I'm hoping that this is really helpful. But again, please do not take this as I'm teaching you how to fake it till you make it. And unfortunately, there's a lot of classes that do this right? Executive presence classes, those are very much about how to come across in a certain way, even though you may not really have done the inner work, they're trying to get you to look on the outside, like you're an executive, same kind of concept. Again, I don't really subscribe to those because I just know too much about the way our brain and our body are connected and enough said.
So how do you do this? How do you look more confident? Is it something that you can put on in terms of your clothes, or your hair or your makeup? Well, to some extent, yes, you can look more confident. And I want to remind you that that confidence look, that physicality of it really is noticed if not subliminally then intentionally by other people. And we make those quick judgments about other people, of how they look, how they are acting, whether they are confident if they're comfortable with themselves. So, of course, unless we are comfortable with who we are. And giggling in kind of a sarcastic way here, I'm going to say that again, unless we are comfortable with who we are and that boils down to respecting what we value need and want we can't really dress the part. But again, without having any interaction with some other people if somebody is a particularly good actor, they are particularly conscientious about the way they dress and they want to give off that aura of confidence it can be done at least initially, course all bets and when you start to interact with that person, it may look absolutely stylish and put together and you start talking to them and you realize mentally they're a mess.
So again, fair warning, but there are some things you can do. Let's talk about dressing for a minute. Somebody who is sloppy hair, makeup, clothes, and I say sloppy, they could be wearing very expensive stuff, but they look sloppy. They don't look like they took any time to really put something together. They don't really care. It's a funny, funny situation. Because in one respect, do you think that they just, you know, they really didn't think about it, they don't talk they're not confident, but they also aren't really how shall we say organized about it? Right? So, we'll make that judgment. But depending on everything else that's going on with them. You know, depending on the way they're acting the way they interact with people, you may actually think of that is kind of shabby chic, or you may consider it as just part of their look, you know that they can't be bothered with the way that they get dressed. Now I've often talked about Steve Jobs, right? He had the same outfit black turtleneck jeans every single time He showed up. And with very few exceptions, and you know, some people were like, that's the Steve Jobs look, well, it was neat and organized, he did not have to think about it. Didn't really have to press it. I bet not just because he had a bazillion money and people would do it for him, but just because the nature what he was wearing. And he showed up in a consistent brand, but more importantly, it was one thing that he did to minimize the cognitive overhead of having to decide what to wear. But again, he didn't come across as somebody who was sloppy, who's somebody who didn't think about it, or didn't have reason for the way they were looking.
So again, do you take that shabby chic approach and say, people are gonna just think I'm cool, because I don't really can't be bothered with the way I dress. You know, I would invite you to think otherwise. Because it's kind of hard to pull off at best and may actually backfire on you. So, whether you spend a ton of money on your clothes, or really don't care, at least look like you're put together, that your stuff is coordinated, that it's somewhat wrinkle free, or at least doesn't look like it literally has been sitting in a ball on their floor for months. And that does make an impression. Do you need to have the latest and greatest, not necessarily. Not necessarily, not at all, you know, classic style sure, up to date, style, your choice, it doesn't matter. As long as you're kind of coordinated in a way that looks like you didn't put some thought into it and that you're respecting the way you look. I think other people will too.
We could get into details about wear jewelry, don't wear jewelry, I'm not an image consultant, I'm not going to go down that path. I have a lot of friends, a lot of colleagues that are in the image space. And you know, I think it all always boils down to what is your style, what makes you comfortable. If you're somebody who is on zoom all day, like I tend to be you know, the top half from like neck up is very important. So, I make a lot of concerted effort to not only make sure my makeup and all is in good stead my glasses, my eyeglasses are clean. But the kind of jewelry I wear, I try not to use something that's completely not really a derail or a distractor. Because that's really what people are honing in on is my neck up, right? Doesn't matter what shoes I'm wearing, nope. Doesn't matter if I have pants on? Well, I won’t tell you that. You do also get a little bit more confidence, as they often say in businesses that require uniform is when you dress the part you actually act the part. So, for me, if I'm going to give a big presentation online, even though you're not seeing what's below my neck, I will often get dressed as if I'm going to be on stage. Because that sets my brain in action. It's like a trigger. And I would encourage you to think about, you know, if you are doing some kind of important meeting with executives or doing something else, even if by accident, you step away from your desk, you know, will they see the bottom parts of you is that something you even have to think about?
You know, I know you could get carried away, I'm not suggesting you do that. But again, if you want to come across looking confident, dress the part that makes you feel confident. All right, but here's where we're going to stop with this kind of external, you know, very subjective stuff and get into some more specific chips. specific things that we know scientifically, actually do make you look more confident. So, stick around just through this quick sponsor break. We'll be back talking about those.
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We're back and we're going to get into much more concrete scientifically based ways that you can actually convey confidence. Again, full disclaimer. If your head is a mess, you don't have your alignment with your value needs and wants; values needs and wants Once if you are not feeling so to speak confident, because you've done the work to be confident, all of these are going to be sub optimized. In other words, you can do them, but eventually people are going to perceive and understand that inside, you're not feeling the confidence love. So, with those said, that kind of disclaimer said, let's talk about four things that really make a difference. And how other people are going to perceive you as confident.
First and foremost is eye contact. Eye contact. Now boring a hole into the other person's skull with your eyes is not advisable but looking them in the eyes. And again, because we are the American Confidence Institute, and we study American Confidence, I am being very centric to the American mores and culture of looking at people in the eyes, no matter what their rank is compared to you, this does not necessarily mean that other people are going to look you back, they may not be as confident, but they may also have cultural and or religious reasons why they're not looking directly at you, particularly if you're not at the same organizational level. But looking at that person giving them eye contact, people who don't look at you that shifty eye or they're looking over your shoulder or somewhere else, they don't give you that sense of confidence. And we can do something with our eyes beyond just staring, we can actually smile with our eyes, we can convey energy and compassion, and belonging through the way we look at somebody. And it may be subtle, but it's there. And so practice with somebody you know that you're comfortable with smiling through your eyes, because even if you're wearing a COVID mask, you know, a face mask, that smiling through your eyes can really come through and make a difference to somebody perceiving that you feel comfortable in the interaction.
So, eye contact, very important. Now, people ask me all the time, how long do you need to have that contact a couple of seconds, then you can look down at your notes or, look at something else or somebody else and come back to that person that you're interacting with, but having a direct eye contact when you talk to them is very important. If you're talking to somebody and you're not looking at them, it's going to convey a lack of confidence. All right, so eye contact number one.
Number two, it goes along with this eye contact. And it has to do with listening. And we use this phrase of active listening in education and coaching and other kinds of disciplines in order to again convey that confidence to the person that is actually doing the talking. And active listening means that you're not processing in your head what you're going to say next, it means that you're not daydreaming or going off on some other thoughts, you are indeed, carefully listening to what that other person is saying to you. Now, how do they know while they can tell your eyes are looking at them, you're not looking to somewhere else, you're not clearly in a distant thought you can see it in their face. But active listening, you may ask for a clarifying point can I'm sorry, can you go back for a second, I really want to understand what you meant by that. That could be a way of conveying that you're actively listening. You can certainly shake your head, but shaking your head throughout a conversation does not convey that you're actually paying attention, it just means that you're having some kind of a physical response to them speaking. So again, you can use some head shaking, you can use some smiling, that actual smiling with your mouth, in this case. You can show other forms of I agree I am hearing you but again, looking at the person and maybe every now and then just conveying I really appreciate that you said that, can you clarify that? Boy, that's a really good point. Some way of saying to that person I hear you. I'm listening to you. Alright, so that's number two.
Number three. Fidgeting, fidgeting, fidgeting with a pen, swaying in your seat. Just tapping your fingers, you know our need to fidget with our phones, maybe twirl our hair. All of these are signs of anxiousness. I want to say anxiety, but it's anxiousness. We are kind of energetic little adrenaline. We don't know what to do with the energy. So, it comes out in all these different ways. Now if you have a neurological reason, like a real condition, my son Zach, for example, I've talked about his dystonia, or somebody has Parkinson's or MS or Tourette's. They have real reasons why they are twitchy, why they have spasms. And I say real, they have uncontrollable reasons. But if you are swirl swiveling in your seat, that's not a neurological condition, that's just nervous energy that you may not even know you're doing. You may be twirling your hair, biting your nails in public, playing with a notebook nearby. As it started to come out, I realize it would sound funny, but I have a friend who actually like kind of tickles the bottom of his ear, every now and then just interesting, people do all kinds of towels in that, and that's anxious, anxious stuff coming out, it's very visible to other people.
And so, if you're anxious, you're not feeling safe, secure, confident, comfortable, it's a way of, you know, expressing that you're not. So just be conscious of it. Now, if you're not even aware that you're doing it, ask a kind of trusted friend or colleague or relative or friend, to just let you know, when that comes out and they don't have to do it necessarily publicly, they can kind of give you a sign back that you're twitching again, or you're you know, you're fidgeting or maybe after a meeting to say hey, you know, you're clicking your pen that whole time. But you know, having an accountability buddy like that, it's really easy. And it can be really helpful because again, you may not even know you're doing it. It may even come out in your language, the odds like she knows that's, that could be part of your tells and your nervousness, there could be catchphrases that you do when I listen back to my podcasts every now and then I realize I say the word right?, well, too often. So, it could be part of that eagerness that anxiety that stirred up pent up neurological energy that needs to come out. And subsequently people perceive that as maybe not so confident.
Again, hand in hand with that tip is the one that perhaps your mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousin, father, somebody has been nagging you since the day you were born, which is to sit up straight, sit up straight. Now, for those of you who know, Amy Cuddy, her very famous TED Talk, power poses and other she gets into the details of when we stand up straight. She claims because it's been debated whether it's true or not, but it in her TED Talk and her writing, she speaks about the neural transmission that happens, that helps us not only calm down, the stress hormones, cortisol and so forth, but it actually then triggers up some dopamine calms us down, maybe a little oxytocin. Again, she gets into some of the details of what her experiments found. People would argue that it's true or not, again, I'm not going to say it isn't I'm not a scientist in the lab testing that out. But she has some really good points is that when we do stand up, regardless of what's happening, neuro transmission wise, it does give the impression to other people that we are more confident that we're not curling our shoulders to basically hide, you know, hiding is a form of survival, it's in our brainstem. It's that whole piece that says, I don't feel confident. So, when we stand up straight, we do give that now some people will say, do we lean into people? Should we kind of lean in as we're listening, lean in when other people are speaking? No, I don't think that's necessary in this context, in terms of conveying your confidence. Now, if you lean back, you know, you kick back relaxed and you stick your feet up on the desk. Yeah, that's arrogance. That's not confidence. But if you feel more comfortable leaning in a little bit fine, just keep those shoulders nice and back, don't round them.
And it certainly can make a difference the way people are perceiving you, too straight is such a thing too. You know, where your stick straight and you're not moving and it seems you seem very uncomfortable, very posed, as opposed to in a comfortable straight up kind of position. Absolutely. So, my friends, very simple things you can do. Of course, there's many others that we can recommend but these four things if you at least give them a try. should help you feel a little bit more confident and certainly convey that you are trying to be, if not clearly, in a confident pose.
One better eye contact, two actively listen, three don't fidget, and number four sit up straight. Simple stuff science based. Mama was right. Hope to hear about some feedback from you on these give them a try any topics you want to throw at us. We'd love to cover them. And for the most part, I just want to let you know how grateful I am that you're here. Thanks so much.
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more competence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
