EP 76: Real Confidence- Confidently Navigating the Hug Highway

April 14, 2024

To hug or not to hug? That is the question for a lot of people. Recently I was thinking about the later days of the pandemic, going to a couple of conferences when we were still wearing masks and sitting six feet apart. The conference organizers offered two versions of the badge lanyards to signal whether you were comfortable shaking hands or not.

At the time I was like, oh, what a bummer that this is what we have to declare but in hindsight I think it was probably a big relief for people who, as a rule, don’t like that physical contact and wish they could walk around always with a little sign that says, “Please don’t touch me.”

Personally, I’m a hugger. To me, hugs are more than just squeezes; they're like little happiness boosters with a dash of oxytocin. But let's not kid ourselves, hugging ain't always a walk in the park for everyone.

With cultural quirks and personal preferences in the mix, figuring out when to go in for the hug can be a bit of a head-scratcher. Whichever side of the hug you’re on, you don’t want to offend, right?

In this episode of Real Confidence I’m sharing some tips on how to read the room, pick up on subtle cues from the person in front of you to determine if you’re going to go for it or opt for a cozy, two-handed handshake instead.

The bottom line? Let’s be more mindful of one another’s physical comfort zone and share that confidence through some good old-fashioned kindness.

Listen in to hear more about how to confidently navigate the hug highway and foster human connection!

Episode Transcript

EP 76: Confidently Navigating the Hug Highway

Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver. And I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.

Alyssa Dver:
As COVID was ending, in terms of its peak pandemic time. I don't remember the exact date. But I remember going to a couple of conferences, we were still wearing masks, still done a lot of sanitizing. But the conferences were open, people were still sitting six feet apart. And the lanyards were very clearly marked, you got to pick which one you want it that would say either you are comfortable shaking hands with other people or not. And I thought at the time, oh, Rose, what a bummer this is that we have to kind of declare that, but in hindsight, I think it probably was a big relief for a lot of people who really don't like that physical contact. And I have a lot of friends and family who I'm sure would love to walk around with a little sign that says, please don't touch me.

Now personally, I'm a hugger. I'm one of those people likes to touch your arm and want him talking and, and all that. And, you know, it's funny, because I don't think there's too many people in my family that are like that. So, I can't really say got it from them. But needless to say, wherever it's coming from, if you have it too, it is almost like a natural habit, right? Now we know that touching one another, particularly when it is mutually desired. Not particularly, but really only when it's mutually desired, can actually stimulate some oxytocin, it makes us feel happy. So, it is a very positive thing when somebody gives me a hug, I really appreciate that makes me feel happy. But again, not everybody's going to respond that way. So, you know, I have a friend, a very good friend, I've just spoken about him quite a lot. He's actually from Brazil. So, he's Latin blooded. And he's very touchy. And I remember when I first met him was, gosh, 30 years ago, now. He was, you know, almost chided for it, because it was so touchy that people were saying to him, you know, you're gonna have HR problems. You're gonna have people reporting, you don't touch people so much men or women. So, you know, again, there are social reasons, there's political reasons, a lot of reasons why we have to be careful with who we touch and how we touch, of course, in public, but the big question is, let's, let's say you're meeting somebody that you already know. Maybe you don't know them that well, or you do know them that well, for that matter, because the question we're posing in today's podcast is, what is it okay to hug? Is it? Is it okay to just give somebody that you've met a few times? Ugh, is it okay? In a business context? Is it okay? In a personal context? Is it okay? With somebody that maybe, you know, forever, and you still give them a hug, and they're clearly not comfortable with it?

So, think about some of the experiences maybe you've had as hugger or huggy? And, you know, do you sit there and make a lot of judgment in your head going, should I hug this person or not? Probably don't probably react, respond. And so again, if you're somebody like me, you go in for the hug, you not really think about it, because just an expression of my joy to see that person. But if I'm somebody who doesn't want to be hugged, am I just going along and trying not to rile the situation and then just suffering through it? Right, so to hug or not to hug. Now, we have to think for a second. Why are we hugging? Why are we hugging? Is it to get that oxytocin spike? Or is it a little bit of dominance? Is it a little bit of I want you to know that I feel comfortable and I'm going to show you that in a hug. dominance. Maybe it's that you really want that other person to like you and you want to test if they are going to hug you back in that way. Ah, baby, the hug really is of genuine, I'm so excited to see you. You know I got a new puppy and I just love the fact that every time he sees me his long tail, WAG, WAG, WAG, WAG, you know, it's just like that. So happy to see you, right? Almost has nothing to do with me. He's not trying to make me happy. He's just excited. So, the hugger might just be really excited. Whack, whack, whack whack.

So, a lot of different motivations or maybe nuanced intentions here. Not I don't want you to overthink, I don't want you to be paranoid about, you know, should you hug or not and the next time but I think it really goes down to a question of what do you really want to do as a person? How do you want to show up? Do you want to show up as one of those people that is always happy to see other people? Are you one of those folks that wants to be a lot more conservative and respectful of other people's needs? And say, you know, I'm not going to hug in case they are worried about it or uncomfortable about it. And when we start to question what we value, who we want to be when we show up doesn't necessarily make the question to hug or not hug any easier. But I think it starts to give us clues about why we're doing it. And if we want to do it every time going forward. So, we're going to take a little break, give our sponsor some love. And I'm going to give you some other ways to really think through this quickly and easily now, so that in the future, you have some tips and ways to go out that hugging question without spending a lot of cognitive energy. All right, we'll be right back.

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So, we're picking apart this kind of funny topic of hugging or not hugging, and they've already admitted that I'm a hugger. And I have a pet peeve one of many as I've shared on other pods, but this one pet peeve with regards to hugging is when somebody says to me, is it okay to give you a hug? I kind of feel like it puts that other person it puts the huggee the person that they're being at that's being asked in a funny predicament. What do you say? No. Now some people might again, if you're confident, you might say no, I don't want one. But it's awkward, right? It's awkward. So, I'm not going to suggest you ask the other person. And yeah, it would be nice if we had those signs or those lanyards back and we could you know, kind of flag people but we don't have those. So, what do we do? Well, of course. Judge first and foremost, if you are a hugger and you want to be a hugger or not, that's okay. You know, I'm a hugger. Okay, great.

Now, with regards to other people, if you really want to be respectful, I think first and foremost, think about the relationship. If it's somebody you really don't know that, well. If it's somebody that you've never really had an experience of kind of lighthearted getting to know the kind of person it's only been maybe in a business setting, you may not want to hug that person, even if it's the fourth or fifth time you've met them. Right? Because again, you don't really know who they are, you know, their business persona. So, play it a little safer, all right? But if it's somebody that you really do know, socially or otherwise and you want to give them a hug, I'm going to suggest you do two things. I'm going to suggest first that when you hug somebody, you make it very clear that you're happy to see them. Right, you say to them I am so happy to see you literally say it, so that it becomes not a dominance thing. It's not, I'm hugging you and you're uncomfortable. It's an expression of you wagging your tail. I think the second thing you can do is really pay attention to their response, are they hugging you back with equal strength with equal enthusiasm? Are they feeling like wet noodles? And so maybe the next time, you don't hug them, if they're not so responsive to that hug you gave them, right, so pay attention to the response to your hug if you decide to do that.

Now, if you really want to be more respectful, if you've made a decision that you're hugger, or maybe you're not a hugger, but you're kinda like want to be respectful of other people, if they're huggers or not. Here's another tip. I like this, it's kind of awkward the first time you do it, but it really is kind of a nice compromise, if you will, which is the two-handed hug. So, you reach out to shake somebody's hand, but you use your other hand, as on the other side of theirs, and you're giving them a hand hug. I think that's a really good test, again, to see how they respond, because you're giving them more touch. And you can see if they are comfortable with that. And maybe the next time after that you give them an actual hug. All right, so some practical tips on how to hug whoever thought I get into that. But I think the question about being more conscientious about your hugging can make you feel more confident. It certainly can make the person that you're going to go hug feel a little bit more comfortable, too. Thanks for tuning in.

Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.

EP 76: Real Confidence- Confidently Navigating the Hug Highway

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