EP 70
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
We all have people in our life, former, current and future that intimidate us, that make us feel lousy, that crush our confidence, you may say that they make your skin crawl or ruffle your feathers, but at the end of the day, they just make us feel badly. They make us feel less than not good enough. And it may be somebody that you know, right, could be a friend or a relative, somebody you work with some unknown person. And when you can anticipate when you know that you're going to see that person, maybe it's a holiday or a meeting that's coming up you stress out, you get worried knowing that you're going to see that person. If you remember the movie Monsters, Inc. it's like going to visit Roz in accounting, right? You know, you're gonna get your head handed to you on a platter because you know, they're gonna say something that makes you feel lousy, that's just not going to be welcoming or inclusive. Maybe it's like an uncle, for example, who laughs at your job thinks it's ridiculous that your career choice is silly, not worthy, or maybe a grandmother that criticizes your relationships, and says that, you know, you'll never get married, if you keep choosing the wrong person. Right? Maybe it's not even that you want to get married doesn't matter, that statement may still really get under your skin.
Maybe you have a friend, somebody you've chosen. That often puts you down and you kind of take it you say, well, she's just telling you the truth. I was in a store once with a friend of mine and the salesperson, who she knew, she goes to the store a lot she was taking me there kind of as a special treat as she bought it. But the woman who owned the store would say to my friend things like why do you let your husband decide for you how much you should spend on clothes? What's wrong with you, you don't think you deserve them? And she will use those kinds of tactics. I was mortified. And yes, I did stand up for my friend, but man, if that ever happened to me, not only would I stand up for myself, I would never shop there again yet my friend goes there frequently to get that abuse. So, I'm not going to comment on that addictive behavior on its own. But suffice to say, sometimes we don't even realize that we think it may be attention or love that we're getting when it really is this intimidation from other people. And so, yes, it stresses us out regardless. And in some cases, we try and justify it as we shouldn't be upset because it's really just the way that they're showing their love. Well, no, it's not. No, it's not.
You may feel like literally physically sick, your heart may kind of skip a beat, not in a love way in the opposite like, oh, that panic way. And you literally may feel sick to your stomach. And again, that is a direct correlation between what's going on in your head all the way down your vagus nerve down into your stomach, your vagal nerve. So, it's very real when you feel that stress and I've done many, many podcasts on the fact that stress is a signal, something's wrong, and you need to pay attention to it. But for the moment, let's just leave it as you see Roz or you see that relative or that colleague or whoever it is that you know, and all of a sudden, you just literally want to crawl under your desk. You want to have the earth open up all these phrases, right, we have, it's hilarious.
Now, if you don't anticipate that, and all of a sudden, they show up, it's worse, right? Because you're not even prepared. And that stress in advance at least gives you that heads up warning that this, this wave of discomfort is coming but you know, they may often show up in the meeting or at your house or whatever it might be and it's very, very, very disarming, discomforting horrendously stressful. But it doesn't have to be even somebody that you know, that creates that feel like you know, you could be going out to the market and somebody who's at the cashier or the customer service or wherever it might be, makes that comment to you that makes you feel lousy or somebody else in the store. Maybe it's just somebody or on the airplane, if you're traveling that just says something that really, you know, put you down and makes you feel lousy, it could be a total stranger. But needless to say, they're just people. So, let's unpack a little bit why they have such control over the way that we feel and respond.
Now, clearly, we're responding from a fear base. And, again, if you've been listening to real confidence for a while, you know that the fears that crush our confidence are our three big ones. The fear of failing, so they're making us feel like we're not good enough and didn't do something well enough. Or, and or I should say, that we regret saying or not saying something, I should have done this, I should have done that. And so that fear, those fears are very real. The third one is the biggie. And that's the fear of rejection that they don't like us. So, we meet these people who, you know, say something or do something that may or may not literally imply that they like us, or don't like us. But we take that as oh, they don't like us, they don't want they want, they don't want to be near me, they don't, they don't appreciate me. And so, we get intimidated, we have that fear reaction. And again, the reaction could be not just emotional, it could be actually physical. So, it's very real, and it's very common. And unfortunately, these people are not going to go away.
In fact, we've probably encouraged people more to be intimidating. Like telling them to be bad asses, mama bears. You know, here's an irony I discovered, you know, mama bear has like kind of, you know, almost a negative connotation, somebody who's really going to go to all ends to defend their cubs, their children, and yet a papa bear somebody who welcomes them in their arms, right? Everything has to do with words in my world. So needless to say, we've encouraged people, particularly women to be intimidating. We've encouraged people to advocate without telling them that that doesn't mean that you get to be an asshole. Right? So, we're making more and more people Intimidators. I'll be back, right? So, the question becomes, how do we deal with them? How do we deal with them? So, I'm going to take a quick break for the sponsor. And when I come back, I'm going to give you some very simple tips as always, on how to make yourself a little bit less intimidated, we'll be right back.
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Alyssa Dver:
Okay, so let's talk about how to not be intimidated. And I'm going to tell you another very brief personal anecdote was my dad. My dad, who was quite an interesting character in many ways. We used to call him behind his back, of course, Mr. Magoo. Because he kind of walked around very happy, carefree in a way that was like, you know, I'm here. And if he ran into a wall, he would just bump off of it and go in a different direction, just like Mr. Magoo did in the comics. But I remember, I was maybe 14-15, you know, prime teen, and we went to a J Crew in a mall. I don't know why we probably had a restaurant or something. Or he was buying me a birthday present or who knows what. And I went into the dressing room to try the sweater on. And he was sitting outside, and I came back out and he was talking like seven people. I mean, it was literally one sweater. So, I was in there for maybe three or four minutes. And he was talking to a bunch of people and introduced me to his new friends who invited him to go to their house in Vermont. And it was unbelievable. And he did this a lot. I mean, this was just a particularly impressive example of how he would just make friends everywhere. And I was, of course, as a teenager, absolutely embarrassed. I wanted to go back to the dressing room and never come out. But needless to say, later in life, I realized that that was something really special about my father was that he not only wasn't intimidated by most people, but he actually would go out of his way not to be intimidating to people. And I unpack that over the years is a way of really thinking about confidence and what did he do? You know, of course, with the brain science knowledge as well that I have now, what is it that we can do maybe not to make best buddies every three minutes in the middle of a mall? But you know, what is it we can do so that other people find us interesting and relevant without intimidating us? What is that?
And so, it's actually pretty simple. First of all, when somebody is intimidating you, whether you are aware of that person, like you know them, or it's a new person, just take that amygdala moment that second to recognize that that person is triggering something in you. And when you at least feel that when you recognize it and say, this person is intimidating me, that's really the first step. It's like admitting you're an alcoholic. In some ways, it's like saying to your brain, you know what, I got to deal with this person. This person is not making me feel good for some reason. Now, you may not have time, or the ability to understand why. And that's okay, but treat it like an allergy, you know, like something is making you itchy? So, take a moment go hmm, is it the soap? Is it the clothes, the stuff I wash my clothes in that is this person every time I see them, what is it that makes this person or this type of person, uncomfortable? When you do that, you're taking back some of your control, of course, but you're also arming yourself to say, wait a minute, I know I'm going to react to this person, and I'm going to, before I react, be a little bit more mindful, recognize that they triggered something in me and I'm not going to go down that path with them, I'm not going to give them that power. So instead of reacting and reacting in terms of maybe getting defensive, or maybe they make you twitch, maybe they make you itch literally. Maybe they make you get angry and frustrated in the moment and later feel ashamed. You say no timeout, this person does not get to have that power over me. I don't care who they are. Whether it's a parent, a grandparent, a boss, no, they can do whatever they want. But so can I, I can react in the way I choose. But you have to recognize that they're trying to make you react in the first place to control it.
The second is, if you can't avoid that person, if it's not practical, or you don't want to you want to take this on, then make a point not to talk so much to actually listen for two reasons. One, listening gives you a lot more data about that person. And when you listen and really hear what they're saying, you may be able to detect why they're being so intimidating. But you're also giving them your attention. And that's what they want. It's the traditional bully behavior, right? Intimidation, that's what bullies do. They want to be heard and seen. So, look at them, hear them, you don't have to agree with them, but you acknowledge that you've heard them. And you're gathering data without saying something or doing something that you're going to regret yourself. So, keep your mouth closed, talk less, smile more, as they would say, in Hamilton. So that's tip number two.
Tip number three, this is very easy. They're human. And just remember that, that those people that are intimidating, are feeling insecure, that they lack confidence, that they're having a confidence crisis themselves. And they're looking like a bully again, for somebody to roll it onto. Because if they feel badly, but you feel badly, too, then there's some equal validation for them. Now, here's, here's the trick. You don't have to fight back. You don't have to admit anything. You don't have to feel sorry for them. You just have to remember that they're human. And it's a bummer that they feel that way because somebody probably intimidated them in their life. So rather than perpetuate that chain and let them intimidate you, just listen, acknowledge that you heard them don't react and move on.
I know all easier said than done in some ways. But I know you can do it takes a little practice and when you do those things, when you recognize the people that are doing this, you feel that signal. You listen and talk less, you get your data, you acknowledge that you heard them, and you recognize that they're just human rolling forward their own fear and pain. Yeah, that's a superhero move. That's a superhero movie, we can all do it. So, thanks for joining Real Confidence. We'll talk again soon.
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
