Ep 69
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
I would say there's a lot of people in the world that talk about confidence, but they don't always talk about it at a scientific, really how to do it level. But I found somebody that I think is not only like-minded, I think we're gonna have a hard time keeping our conversation to a 20-minute podcast. So, Rahul Sharma, thank you for being here with me and our listeners today.
Rahul Sharma:
Thank you, Alyssa, thank you for the opportunity, very excited to continue our conversation.
Alyssa Dver:
Well, you have done a lot in your career, and you do a lot of work. As a coach, as a teacher, you also have this beautiful book that you shared with me, Habits for Miracles. It just briefly give me an idea like how did this how did your journey end you here in the same confidence crusade lane that I'm in.
Rahul Sharma:
So, I would say started in 2016. When I realized after spending 15 years in corporate life, that I have to give back to society, to community. And I joined a course by legendary Les Brown on public speaking, and I noticed all my fellow participants had a story to tell, which was very motivating and encouraging to people. And I said, I want my story to be out. And that's where it's the seed got started, it took time, but today in 2023 my book is out.
Alyssa Dver:
You know, I, again, another commonality between us, but I'm sure many of our listeners, you know, have had a career or a life, and then all of a sudden are like, you know, I want to do something more fulfilling, more meaningful, give out there. But you do also really focus not so much on the outward work, but the inner work of people. And I wonder Is that something you've always been into, like your inner your own inner work, or helping people with their inner work? Was that part of this next journey for you?
Rahul Sharma:
So, I would say that is how I was cultured and built up. My father always used to tell me about being a good human being, then anything else. So that was in me. And then as I started my career, I realized that all the outside things, it is just more materialistic. And what matters to the world is our internal things. So, it was always throughout. But I would say the focus on this has been more than the last five to six years, when I got time to think about something else post my kids by my professional word, marriage, everything. That's where I started focusing more on inner peace. And my work started centering around it.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah. And so, the reason I'm asking this is not just curiosity, because I have a similar story, I remember reading self-help books when I was in high school. So, I certainly had an interest. But I think a lot of people often say to themselves, it's too late, it's too late to do that inner work. And you, your whole book here is about creating new habits. So, let's assume that people who are listening either you if you've been in that space where you've always tried to self-improve, great, we love you. But if you're here for the first time going, I'm not sure I'm too old for that. We're here to tell you, you're never too old for it. And it starts like in your book, just the definition of what is a habit, and I was so comforting to me. I wonder if you would talk a little bit about how you look at developing what is a habit and the development of it, and why anyone can do it at any time in their life.
Rahul Sharma:
So happy the way I look at its Alyssa is anything that we do repeatedly and subconsciously. It is just not about doing it consistently, multiple times to do it subconsciously. You don't have to make an effort to do a certain thing, that is what I believe in habit. And as you mentioned that there is no specific age to learn a habit. Learning is a lifelong skill. You can always inculcate habits. sooner you do it you will reap the benefits for longer time. Later do you do you do it? It will start for the duration, that you will enjoy the benefit of that habit.
Alyssa Dver:
Absolutely. You know, it's funny that you say that because we talk about neuroplasticity a lot at the Institute and this idea that as you start to build new neural pathways, whether it's a habit or a particular skill, you know, it builds on itself. It's kind of like compound interest, right? And it gets easier and easier to the point where, after a while, the habits are no longer something, you have to think about it. So in your book, though, you do distinguish between developing habits for things that you actually want something that you actually want to do, you're like, I really want to lose weight, for example, and something that you think you should do, you know, somebody tells you, you should lose weight, there's a difference there, right? So is why is it so much harder to develop a habit for something that we know we should, but we don't really want to.
Rahul Sharma:
So, this ties back to the concept of change management, Alyssa. 90 plus percent of companies fail on change management, because they do not share what needs to be changed. They do not let employees know what needs to be changed. Similarly, here, when someone is telling you to change, it does not come from inner heart. When we do things internally, when we know that we want to do this, that's where the change management happens. And I will just add one more thing, we hear many concepts and theories that people resist change. But think about it when we go to a new town or a new country for a vacation. We are excited. When we are buying a car, we are excited. And whenever we are doing anything new, we are excited. So that tells me that we are excited because we are choosing that actual thing to do versus someone telling us Hey, man, do it. So that is the real difference than when we want something we get all the support over. Mental is very strong. Yes, if someone is asking us to do it, then it is in our mindset is not right to make it happen.
Alyssa Dver:
Absolutely. And you know, just to tie back to little the work that I do, right? Confidence is a choice name of the book. And the whole premise of the definition is you have to value need or want something to feel confident that you even will do anything about it. Right? And it's exactly what you're saying. Absolutely. So, speaking of the brain, you also do a lot of writing around mindset. And you say in here, the positive mindset I'm quoting the block positive mindset is essentially the key differentiator between success and failure. Talk to me a little bit about how and why you say that.
Rahul Sharma:
I was just doing a coaching call with one of the people who connected with me after eight years. And one of the things that we were talking about was how people fail, or people accept the defeat in the mind first, then eventually, it happens in the real world. So, if our mindset we are receiving 80, to 90,000 parts in 24 hours, and 70 to 80% of those thoughts are negative. So, if we don't inject our body with positive thoughts, we will not be able to have that positive outlook or positive mindset. So, in my opinion, that positivity really makes a difference in believing you then you can do it versus not doing it.
Alyssa Dver:
So, I think the risk that we see a lot in probably your coaching clients as well is huge. You're helping them with their mindset, you're trying to get them to get control agency of their decisions, right? But a lot of times, particularly with really smart people, I see this even more, so they wind up overthinking or as you as you also say over analyzing the issue, because we they want to be sure they want to make sure that they're making the right decision. So how do you advise people to have that balance between having a positive productive mindset versus one that is kind of, you know, completely overwhelming and just overdone.
Rahul Sharma:
So, the number one problem with most of the perfectionist Alyssa is that they want to they are looking for the perfect score, which I don't think exists. What I believe is you need to make consistent progress to any board any project that you are doing. As long as we are making that consistent progress, you will be able to make things work. Analysis paralysis that I mention in my book makes us handicapped when we overthink about overhead in their lives, so my request to fellow listeners would be don't overthink, if you are able to make one inch movement, towards positivity towards the right progress, that itself is a win for us.
Alyssa Dver:
I love it, I love it. Now, we're gonna take a quick sponsor break in a little bit, we're not going to do it yet, because I really want to get into the nuts and bolts of this, but there is one more concept that when I read in your manuscript, I was like, absolutely 100% Love this. And I think it's so important in light of what you just said, which is the importance of silence. So as much as like, you know, you have the over activity, you know, that the importance of silence in your head in your world, like how, again, like, talk a little bit about how and why that that impacts people so profoundly.
Rahul Sharma:
So, the silence allow us to listen to us internally. When there is so much noise around us, we lose our ability to listen to our own mind, to our own self. So, when we are silent, we tend to listen more, we tend to think more and when we are thinking more, we are able to make a wise decision. If you see most of the situations that become worse, is because we take action in a spur of a moment, we don't spend too much of time thinking about it. So that's where silent silence has many other benefits about your house. So, for me, when I do my sewing, it's that is the time you know, when I'm silent and a lot of listening to myself a lot of thinking happens. It's amazing. For me, silence is golden.
Alyssa Dver:
You know, I'm smiling. I know our listeners can't see you can see because I do the swim or float sometimes you to get that silence. But you know, I teased everyone with the fact that you have some really concrete ways to help people manage the overthinking as well as the silence and really get in control of their mindset really take control of the difference in their habits they want to form. So, I really want to utilize that. And we're going to take a sponsor break really quick. And when it comes back, if you would just share some of these profound tips that you have. Of course, there's many more in the book, but just some of them that would be such a gift to everyone, including myself. So, we'll be right back.
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Alyssa Dver:
So, I am here with hopefully a new friend forever, Rahul Sharma who shares a lot of these very simple concepts. You know, it's easy to say you should have a silent mind, it's easy to say quite frankly, you should develop a new habit. It's easy to say don't over analyze things. So, let's get nuts and bolts here. We do this on our podcast every time. I am going to start with the overanalyze part because I think there's a lot of perfectionists listening, and like give us a good tip or two, how do you stop over analyzing? Or how do you know when you're over analyzing? How do we break that habit? Because that is a habit, right?
Rahul Sharma:
And I have bought into it. I was not a born person who never used to overanalyze. And I have learned the hard way. And one of the things that works for me is I set up a timeline that I need to spend this much time on research about something. Because the internet is so vast, you can spend months and years in doing research about a particular topic. Well, thanks to ChatGPT everything has done very fast. But that is one thing. So, I would advise my listeners to bind the bound themselves with the time that I want to spend only four hours or five hours on this activity. At the end of that time. Wherever I am, whatever action I need today. I will just go and get it.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, so there's times at three o'clock in the morning. I'm waiting. I'm overanalyzing, right? Is there something in that moment you can say okay, turn it off, knock it off. Do you want to stop it? Is there something that you found that helps you?
Rahul Sharma:
What I do there I have been practicing positive mind talk. So, if that thing happens, like when this losing my sleep about something, I just tell my mind that that will be the best product of me or that would be the best paper. But that would be the best chapter, or I would say is everything is in control. You just need to execute it. So, some one or two positive sentences to my own mind. Yeah, that remains in my mind in my thoughts subconsciously throughout that night. And when I wake up, it's a whole different ballgame that I'm ready to start and ready to get going.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, no, I love it. You know, it's there's sometimes and I am totally confessing here that I'm so obsessed with an issue, right? That even the self-talk is not loud enough, right? So sometimes what I will do is extend what you said and actually write it down on a piece for here's the issue. But to remind myself, I'm supposed to be sleeping now. I'm tired. I'm not going to be figuring out the issue best now because I'm half yield. But here's the issue. So, in the morning, I can toggle. It's literally like, but it works for me. Right? I think this part of this is that we have to remind ourselves that overthinking is not productive. Right? And that self-talk is a good way of reminding yourself, hey, you know what? Now's not the time to do that. overthinking? Right? That's awesome. All right. So, let's go back then to silence because again, this is almost in some ways paradoxical. You know, we do a lot of overthinking. And perhaps part of the reason is we don't allow ourselves to have that downtime, that silence to refuel. So, what's a good way to gain silence and know when you need it?
Rahul Sharma:
So to start with, I would request our listeners to have a silence moment without any interruption, which is phones, any ringer, or their emails, whatever it is, they need to point out right place also, you can't afford to be in silence and at Times Square is not appropriate, specifically when you're doing for the first time. So, the choice of Your Place is important. Sometimes when you are working from home, you need to let your family members know about it. And hey, this is what my time is. So, at our home, we have, I will say not very frequently, but once a month, we have a family silent time. Okay, it's 15 minutes, we are together, but no one will talk to each other. Interesting. I'm just trying to inculcate that habit early in my kids so that they understand what and what it means and why we are doing it. So that will be my recommendation to people find out right place, free themselves from any disturbance. And just be inside because when you start doing something for the first time, it will not be perfect. So, let's start doing that five to 10 minutes time setting aside and then gradually increase it to 15-20, maybe 30 minutes.
Alyssa Dver:
You know, it brings up a really interesting thought in my own head because I do a lot of silence and in no part of me sometimes questions maybe I'm really an introvert, right? It almost doesn't matter. But you know, I like to drive sometimes in silence because it's good thinking time. You know, for some people, maybe it's the shower or whatever, swimming, for sure. Because there's no tether, right? You can't bring your phone at lunch, I guess you could bring your phone in the pool, and I don't advise it. But needless to say, you know, there may be a place or time in your day, and not your you revel that our listeners, of course, that they can just carve maybe it's even a minute and I think that's, you know, one minute, every day that it's like, okay, I'm checking in with my brain and my thoughts to really see what's going on and to, to get that silence, you know, so meditation and mindfulness is all around it. But do you think people you know, in even a minute, is that is that helpful?
Rahul Sharma:
I would say it would it is a good start. Because we will be motivated to do more when we start seeing the benefit of that one minute. Now as my for my case right now, my kids are not seeing any benefit, to be honest. They just say doing it, because I'm asking them to do it. Right. Probably gradually they will start learning why, how, it is helpful. Because when you are silent when your thoughts are still moving. Yes. So, I'm not asking them to do meditation yet. I'm just asking them to do be silent. Meditation is a next level probably where you need to free yourself with the thoughts also. So that is the next level right now we need to first inculcate being in a silent mode.
Alyssa Dver:
Absolutely. And you know it It's getting worse in our society. I mean, I guess everyone knows this, maybe it's totally off obvious. You know, I go for a walk, I see everybody, they're on their phones are talking, they're listening, they're doing right. Even when they're in nature, they're not really in nature. They're in their own little online world, right? Even in meetings, conversations, we have to fill the gaps, you know, even on the podcast, for that matter, right? I think there is a generational leap. And when it's a generational societal issue, that we have to be busy all the time, we can't be in line for something without being on our phones doing something, right? So, I hope people take what you're saying very seriously, even if it's just a minute or two or five.
Rahul Sharma:
Correct, correct, I would say Alyssa more than it is a generation, but I have also seen as a personality trait, where people are habituated maybe the way they have been brought up, whether their parents or siblings where they have been constant on the go on the go. And that is what the world they have seen. So that is what they think that this is the way to live a life. And so that is also a digression is one you know, the personality factor as well as your surroundings in which you have grown up.
Alyssa Dver:
So, I know we could talk forever, and there's so much more that you teach and talk and write about, but I want to give people a way to reach you. So, they can start to learn how to get control of their own brains, their minds, their mindsets, and subsequently their habits, what's the best way to reach you and find the book, Rahul.
Rahul Sharma:
So, my book is available on Amazon, Alyssa. It is my book titled Habits for Miracles. If you just type on Google habits for miracles, you will find multiple literature around at my website and the book. My recommendation would be even if you're a nonreader, give it a try. Give it a try. There's my book is such a small book, it can be finished in maybe 120 to 150 minutes, but it can help you in building the right tools for you for your lifetime.
Alyssa Dver
I agree, I have to say just reading it was very calming. And I really enjoyed that experience in a book which is very rare. So, thank you for doing that. Thank you for being here. Thank you for putting my mind in a better place. And thank you for all the listeners who I know will gain so much wisdom from continuing to follow your work.
Rahul Sharma:
Thank you, Alyssa, for doing amazing things for the community. I really appreciate it.
Alyssa Dver
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
