Ep 68
Welcome fellow confidence, crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers, this is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
Have you ever looked at my profile it says I'm a confidence crusader, a neuro nerd and his success equalizer. And I love those three phrases. I've had them for a long time. Probably should put up on there as well a word wonk, because I love words, English words, in particular, but all words. And I often probably overthink my words, not just in terms of what I'm saying here on the podcast, but what I write it is a lot of cerebral energy, a lot of cognitive juice that goes into selecting the right words. I would say maybe even like 30, or 40%, of my total energy store goes to picking out the right words. Yeah. So needless to say, sometimes there's words that I find have not only different interpretations, I'm not talking about tomato tomahto, I'm talking about people who really understand perceive particular words differently than I do, or my intention is. And you don't always know that, right? They don't tell you oh, you know, I'm seeing a difference I'm understanding and I'm interpreting it differently.
And I'm not really again, talking about somebody who's reading out of context, or maybe has read something too fast. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about actual words. In some cases, phrases that get used and you use them, you choose to use them in a sentence written or verbal. And surprised later, maybe that you find out that somebody has really taken them differently. And not maliciously, I'm not talking about, you know, they thought that you were slamming them or anything. But I'm gonna give you three examples in this podcast, that I think highlight the fact that even though we think we're communicating clearly, intentionally, thoughtfully, and even though we may believe and be told that we have emotional intelligence, there are many opportunities where things can go squirrely that we may not be communicating as clearly and as effectively as we'd like to.
So, my first example happened just last week, I was being interviewed for a series. It's like a webinar series by a big insurance company, and they do this leadership series, they invite all their employees, and there were several hundred people, and they interview individuals, and I was really honored to be one of those. And of course, we are talking about the role of confidence, what confidence means, and how it shows up differently in men and women, and so on and so forth. And I'm gonna come back to my favorite word, of course, confidence later in this podcast. But during that podcast, that webinar rather than I was on, one of the participants put in chat, a note that said, Alyssa, it would seem to me that you are shameless. And when I first read it, I thought, wow, that is a bit of a slam, right? I'm shameless. Because my immediate reaction or thought process was shameless is a bad thing. Shameless means I don't take what I say and do seriously, and that I don't care what other people think. And I don't really carry a burden if I say something and screw up and subsequently don't care that it hurts somebody.
That was kind of my immediate read. And so, when I saw the word, I went, okay, wait, this person probably is not trying to slam me, particularly in front of all several 100 people that are on the call, right? And I took that moment to not react, thankfully, right? Practice what I teach. And I took a breath and I thought shameless, shameless, you know, two things came to my brain- one was Brene Browns work on it, of course, that she's a big proponent for not letting shame take over your head, take over your behavior because shame is a reflection that you've done something said something, or not said something or not done something that you feel badly about that you regret. And again, if you follow my work, you know that regret is one of those fears that hits our amygdala. I talk about that all the time, that makes us question our confidence. So subsequently, I started thinking about that word shame, again, and not just on the webinar, but because of Brene Brown's use of the word so frequently, and thought, you know what if you do something that you're not proud of, or something doesn't go the way you had intended, right, and you feel “ashamed”. It's because you're not owning up to the fact that you screwed up, that you didn't get the outcome that you were hoping for, and that the best thing you can do is not only acknowledge, but make a promise to yourself that you'll do it differently next time. Or if you hurt somebody, or inadvertently inconvenience somebody that you go to them and say, hey, I'm really sorry. And if you take ownership, you, you take that opportunity to really not just learn, but be human that not only erases the shame, but it builds your character and your confidence. So, yeah, I kind of thought, I try I tried to live as shamelessly as possible in that regard.
The second thing that dawned on me when I took that second to regroup my thoughts on the webinar was that when my grandmother died, I wrote a eulogy. And that was the word I described her shameless. That she said what she meant, she was very sure who she was, and subsequently found that that word shameless, where I initially thought it was a criticism actually was a real compliment. So shameless, that's my first example of a word that, again, might come across in a in a wrong way, if it's not given an opportunity to be leveled out between two people, right.
Last night, I was driving back from the train station, I was in New York yesterday doing a presentation. And I was talking to a gentleman who's opening a conference that I'm closing on Friday. And his talk is on the topic of kindness. Kindness. And he really is a very big proponent that not just we should all be more kind, but that we should do it as an act of courage, that we should be kind, even if it feels sometimes uncomfortable, or like a burden. Now, granted, I haven't heard his whole talk at this point, because he's speaking tomorrow. But in the conversations that I've had with him, again, I found us kind of coming out that word kind in very two different very way, in two different ways, completely different ways, in fact.
So, when this gentleman, his name is Jeff, was describing what he did, I thought, wow, you know, I make a point in my work, particularly in the coaching work, to say that being helpful is different than being kind. Right? You get off stage, for example, as a speaker, and everybody's like, great job, Alyssa. It's a great job, great job. And I thought, for years, I was like, that's not eligible. That's kind people are just being nice. Right? And you don't really know what they mean. They're just trying to avoid some kind of confrontation. They're not going to say to you, as you're walking by boy, that really sucked. Right. So we like to be kind, and some of us even more so, you know, they talk about fight or flight and now fawning. You know, we want to make people happy. So, we're kind to gain that acceptance to gain people's positive smiles back their gratitude that we made them feel good, right? And so, we get this word kind in that spot of, you know, we should all be kind and my fifth-grade teacher husband, another Jeff and my son, Zack, were kind of giggling they're like, kind isn't that what we teach in elementary school? And I'm like, Yeah, but you know, kinda is still this very important concept that people forget. But in a moment, when you are running a million miles an hour, you're juggling 42,000 things, try to defy the laws of multiprocessing, which basically mean we can’t, but we try. You know, we're not always able, cognitively able to be kind. You know, you're in a rush. You're going to be almost unkind to the person that's taking three hours in front of you in line somewhere. You know, there are moments where you probably say to yourself, I know it should be nicer, but I just don't have it in me. So kind is a very nice construct and I may disagree a little bit with the speaker, Jeff, because in the context that I use it when I say kind is not always helpful, is that if you're being kind, selfishly, if you're being kind, because you don't want to be perceived as, as courageous as honest, if you're worried that the other person's not gonna like you. And so, you're worried about giving them feedback that they may not like, is that being kind? Is a kind to in that way either bury the truth or avoid the truth? It's a good question.
Is it your role to be helpful at all times? Do you have to always assume that it's your job to be helpful or are there times that you can just be kind and say, “That’s a lovely outfit? No, you don't look fat. To make peace, to make somebody feel good, you know, maybe not so much a white lie, but an unimportant way of just making somebody feel good, right? So, again, that word kind. Not just the Kind bars, but the actual act of being kind. I think that that could also be used in different ways. All right, I think you're getting the idea here. There's nuances about these words, but there's also this baggage that they come with. And the baggage often is tied to our own experiences, our own perspectives, right? If somebody says that you're kind, you may feel very flattered or you may feel very, like I'm not kind that's for you know, wimps, that's not something that I am, you know, I'm an assertive person. I'm authentic. I'm not kind, right? So, it really depends on who you are and your experience.
And that leads to the big word, the one that we use all the time here on real confidence, which is that C word itself confidence. Somebody says to you, you're confident, do you take that as a good thing? Or do you think that maybe it's too brash? That it's too haughty, selfish? When somebody says you should be more confident? Does that feel scary? Does that feel demeaning? Or does that say to you, you have a little impostor syndrome going on that you actually are better than you really are giving yourself credit to? credit for? So that word confidence, right, I get asked more often than not, you know, is it overconfidence? Is that the same thing? I say no, overconfident, you can call it cocky. They're very different.
When somebody is overconfident, it means they don't have enough information to really confirm their ability, but they believe something to be true, something that they can do something that is in their head, not a big deal. And I've written about this in many books now, overconfidence is can be very dangerous. You know, sure, I can do that. And that person tries and maybe fails. Not such a bad thing, but depends on what it is right? They're doing something physical; it may actually physically hurt, or you give them responsibility because they're so confident they can get it done and they don't they drop the ball, and then they impact you or the rest of the team. We probably have people that we work with like that. So, overconfidence is not confident, overconfidence is the lack of information to confirm that that person really can do it, but they believe that they can, despite not having the date or the experience.
Now cocky is very different. Arrogant or cocky, may even throw a little bit of bitchy in there too. That's the other end of the spectrum. That means that the person actually knows that they can't do something that they're not capable and it freaks them out and they're going to try and fake it. They are going to become an impostor themselves. They're going to become cocky or bitchy, so that it seems that they can't, don't want to try whatever it is you're asking them to do. You're going to push back No, no, that's wrong, I'm not going to do it. Right, or they're going to try and impress you, because they know in their heart and in their heads, that they don't have the experience, they don't have the data to convince themselves that they can do it with confidence. So, nuance I told you, I am a word wonk. Maybe you should add that to my profile, I guess. But here's the thing, when somebody tells you you're confident, own it. Own it, feel good about it, it means that you are solid, it means that you are thoughtful. That you make decisions for yourself, based on your values, based on your needs and your wants. It's a beautiful thing.
And as I like to say now that we're past COVID, really, confidence is contagious. So, you have the ability, if you don't feel comfortable in your own skin, to say I'm confident it's kind of an oxymoron, right? A little bit of a paradox there. Like I'm not, I want to be confident that I'm not confident to say I'm confident, but if you feel a little bit icky about it, that you're a confident person. Remember that your confidence is infectious for others, and you owe it to other people to let that confidence come out of your pores, to give it away to give some to other people. And I say own it. It's a beautiful honor. It's a privilege. So, when somebody says you're confident, smile and say thank you. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.
Now, this podcast I've been doing now for a couple years. I know, this may be your first one or maybe it's one that you you've been one of the very loyal followers on I want to thank you personally. But I would love to hear about some words that you find to be a little tricky sometimes to navigate, that you find maybe give you a little bit of a challenge when people push back and go, that's not really what I meant or, you know, oh, what do you mean by that because I just find the whole thing fascinating. So, thank you for listening today. I hope this was thought provoking as always, and please continue to give more confidence to the world.
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
