EP 67
Welcome fellow confidence, crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers this is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver. And I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
I would say that every 20th pitch I get is somebody who uses the word, unstuck. They want to help the world and people to get unstuck. But you know, there was this one person that you're gonna get the pleasure of meeting in a second. CK Collins, otherwise known as Kelly, who wrote a book, The Swipe Right Effect, the power to get unstuck, and her story and her wisdom was something I had to bring to our audience. So, Kelly, thank you for joining and being here with that wisdom today.
Kelly Collins:
Thank you. I'm very excited to be here.
Alyssa Dver
So, if you would start you were pretty stuck. I wouldn't even use the word traumatized. And you did some pretty amazing things as a result, but let's start with what happened. What was the trauma? What was the reason that you were like, literally, immobilized?
Kelly Collins:
Yes, that's a great word for it. Yes, immobilize. So, in 2017, I had the trifecta of change and loss of identity. My daughters were grown and gone so I was an empty nester, for the first time, my 30-year marriage was ending, and due to betrayal, and a long-term affair, and then I had to sell my business, which was a news publishing business. And basically, my entire identity, those three ways that I felt like I related to the world were gone. And I was stuck and scared to death. I didn't know what was going to happen and what you know where I was gonna go, but I figured it out.
Alyssa Dver:
Well, you did figure it out. But at the time, you know, I'm sitting here going, oh, my goodness, I'm kind of about to be empty nested. I've been married 30 years, I hope. Right? But like, you, yes, you knew your kids were growing and leaving.
Kelly Collins:
Sure, it was planned. That was planned,
Alyssa Dver:
Was the business issue was that also plan was that Forecastable? Or was that a sudden shock too?
Kelly Collins:
I did not want the business to get caught up in the divorce proceedings. And it's very difficult when one of the spouses as a small business owner, to figure out how to evaluate the business. And that can cause a lot of problems and a lot of delays. And I was not going to go there. I wanted to move on. And I also was really grateful that I could see that I needed to work on myself, and working 60-70 hours a week, which I did out of love for my business and my employees and my community because I was a newspaper. So, it's community. I knew I needed to work on myself, and I could not do that and take care of this business at the same time.
Alyssa Dver:
Alright, so you know, we're meeting for the first time for real here, we did some emails, and I really feel a connection. And I hope that people who are listening, whether you're an entrepreneur or have a corporate job, or stay at home parent doesn't matter. You know, working on yourself, I don't know how many people actually get the time to do it. But good for you for recognizing it. So, when you came out of this, you said it was a trifecta. Like it's I don't know what the right word is. but it was a cluster. I mean, holy moly. Yesterday, what was the like that moment? You're like, okay, I gotta, I gotta work on myself. What was it that triggered it? Or was it just intuitively obviously, at that point?
Kelly Collins:
My, one of our best friends, his name is Bill. He was a best man in our wedding actually. And, you know, been one of our best friends for 30 something years. And he had walked the Camino de Santiago. It's a spiritual pilgrimage hike, 500-mile hike, in Spain. And he came to me, and he said, “I think this would help you, and I think you should do it. And I was, of course said, there's no way I can leave my business for seven weeks and I don't know what's happening and I can't do that. And he's and he kept, you know, nudging me very gently and lovingly, and I decided that it felt selfish, but it felt right. And I had this 24-hour period where I got four signs and I didn't really believe in signs, but I got four signs that said, you should go you should go, you should go, you should go. And I just did. And I decided to do that. And that really was the launchpad for the beginning of my recovery.
Alyssa Dver:
All right, so whether other people believe in science or not, can you at least share one or two of them just so we get a sense of like, what was it that kind of gave you that? Motivation?
Kelly Collins:
So, Bill was trying to get me to watch this movie called The Way. It's Emelio Estevez who produced it and Martin Sheen, his father, was in it, and it's about the pilgrimage. And it was, you know, something that helped build decide to go Well, Bill asked me to watch it on a pretty traumatic day when my husband was telling his parents that we were getting divorced. And so, it was just like, bad day, they don't want to even think about it. And I watched the movie, or I started watching the movie and Bill called, and because he was worried about me. And I didn't end up finishing the movie that night. And I ended up talking to him to him about the Camino until like 1:30 in the morning, fell asleep while he was talking. But he said, Kelly, it saved me. And that's what I went to sleep on. Right. And so, I woke up. And I, it was five o'clock in the morning, I was pretty mad. So I only had three and a half hours sleep, and I couldn't sleep because I had the spins in my head and I was worried. And I've watched the rest of the movie. And I thought, oh, my gosh, I need to talk to Karen. She did something like this in Scotland. And it's still like 6:45 in the morning or something, it's still very early. And I get up to walk across the room to turn off the television. And Karen called me. I mean, seven seconds, after I said out loud to no one at 6:45 in the morning, she called me and then we made arrangements to meet that afternoon she was in town, she didn't even live there anymore. You know, it's just so crazy.
And then I go to my office, I haven't picked up this devotional in two years, because I've been going through a lot with my marriage, and I just kind of given up on that daily practice. I picked it up and I opened it to December 9. And it was you can't play it safe right now. There's a path that you have to walk, and I'm gonna walk it with you, I will carry you when you cannot do it yourself. And I was just like, well slammed it shut and was like, oh my God, so and then there was two more, but I mean, that was just like, boom, boom. And that was within two hours of each other. And I picked up the phone and I called my husband, I said, I'm hiking the Camino. And I'm gonna leave at the end of April.
Alyssa Dver:
Wow. Well, you know, I'm a big believer in signs and signals to and I think to some extent, when you keep your eyes open, they're all around you. And they certainly were present for you. There, there was this trauma that was going on tho. And so how you think being stuck was more and in general, you've written now a book about it. Is it that when we're traumatized, our eyes are closed? We're not seeing the opportunities, or do you think that there's some other reason that the opportunities just don't appear when we're in that, that situation?
Kelly Collins:
I think when you're stuck, you become blind to opportunities, I think that the universe is always providing what you need. And I say this a lot in my book, that we all have the power, and the power is in our choice, we can. If you are not choosing to get better, that is a choice, not making a choice is a choice. You know, and so I keep you know, from even from the preface, I start saying, you have the power to choose, and the book is just laying out different ways you can choose so that it's right there. You don't have to think you can just read and do. And that's so I think it's you become blind, that inertia, you know, really is painful, and it's exhausting. It's exhausting to just be sitting there doing nothing to get better.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, so I'm flashing on the screen. I know our listeners can't see it. This is my book, Confidence is a Choice, one of my books anyway. And you know, I'm a firm believer that the minute you make the decision to make a decision that you are going to choose to go hike or not hike for that matter, whatever the choice is. That is the moment of confidence, and it really gets you out of the stuck mode. You call the book, your book, The Swipe Right Effect. What is that? What is that about? Like? Why that name?
Kelly Collins:
Yeah, well, you're married, so you wouldn't know. It's from a dating app. It's from a dating app. And when you're on the app, and you swipe right, you're choosing someone, when you swipe left, you're saying not that guy, or not that girl, and that what I believe is you need to swipe right for yourself. You need to choose yourself, and that's the most important choice you can make. And the effect of that of swiping right for yourself is you discover your power. I remember somebody said to me early on, Kelly, you're just giving away your power, you're just letting what he did to you have all your power, you got to take back your power. And I was like, what does that mean? Like, I don't even know what that means. And so, I mean, I think once you realize that that power is within, you know, whether you believe it's the universe, or whether you believe it's God, or whether you, I believe we're all divine, and that we have something special within us. And that power is in your choice. And I think, you know, if you're a Christian, it goes all the way back to Adam and Eve had a choice. Right. So, I think it's been highlighted over all of our history that we have the power.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, well, again, not to hype my own book, but the whole book is about the brain science behind that. And choice gives us power. So, power gives us choice. They're interrelated. I totally agree. I would even argue that when you choose to swipe left, it's still a choice, right? It's just not necessarily as conscious of a choice. So, you decided to swipe right, you'd say, you know what, I'm going to go hike, I'm gonna go do work on myself. What, you know, in a summary form, like, what did you do? And how did you say in the beginning, you recovered from the trauma? So, what was the process and what was the outcome?
Kelly Collins:
The process was many, many things, you know, I went to counseling, I even did PTSD counseling, because at the recommendation of my family therapist, I call I did walking therapy is what I got all the four months of preparation for the Camino, I would line up friends, because I was sometimes I was doing 12 miles a day. So, I would line up friends to do stents, and talk about life. And as I'm opening up to them and sharing my pain, they start opening up to me, and it just becomes this place where we're making space for each other. And we're sharing more honestly than we ever have. Because of my trauma. And I did solo travel a lot. And I think that was really healing, putting myself out there trying new things. When you get when you do that, you they start getting proud of yourself. And you start going, wow, I did this, look what I did. And I can do more, you know, it's an incredible experience to do that. And the Camino really was the beginning of my solo travel. And I think the best thing I ever did for myself was at the three-year mark of having sold the company, and I'd been working there for three years, that was part of the deal. I retired. And I decided to take a huge leap. And I sold my house, and I gave away all my stuff. I let the kids take the furniture or whatever they wanted. And then I gave everything else away. And I wanted to be free to go and do and find my new life. And if it brought me back to Nashville, okay, but if it didn't even better, go do something new. And I kind of wanted to live by the ocean. It was really a dream of mine, but I wasn't set on that. And I really just opened up to what the universe might do for me. And I just I took a sabbatical, I traveled for a whole year, and sometimes friends would meet me and but most of the time I was on my own. And through that time, the idea for the book came to me and it's really just a gratitude practice. Paying it forward with the information that was shared with me.
Alyssa Dver:
That's awesome. Where did you end up? Are you by the ocean?
Kelly Collins:
I am in Newport, Rhode Island. It is gorgeous here. Yeah, I love it. Even the winter wasn't bad.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, no, it's beautiful, I actually live about an hour and a half from you. New Port. Well, it is beautiful down there. And what a nice place to land. So, every respect. I you know, I suspect. You know, as you're saying you're taking these walks with friends, and they started opening up to you. I think one of the problems that we have. I know one of the problems we have in our society is that we assume nobody else has trauma. Right that nobody else has that same pain that you do. And it is particularly amusing when you didn't get vulnerable enough with somebody to share yours. And all of a sudden you hear about theirs. And I'm just curious as you were walking. Were you surprised by what you were hearing from friends that otherwise might have looked picture? Perfect on the outside?
Kelly Collins:
Yeah, yeah, I was. I mean, some of them. You know, it wasn't as surprising, but it was really important to me that they were trying to let me know I wasn't alone. And you know, I wasn't living in the suburbs, there wasn't a whole lot of single people there. It was mostly married people. So, you know, it was important to try to connect with people who were also single, that could have that conversation with me. But then it was, then the rest of it was just people being, you know, loving and kind. And but yeah, there were some surprises for sure.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, I you know, I always surprised to be honest with you, I shouldn't be at this point. But some people who come across, particularly on social media that, you know, picture perfect life, everything's awesome, they're traveling, they're doing all these cool things. And you sit down and maybe have a second glass of wine with them, then you start to confess some of the things it's pretty amazing. Now, granted, your trauma was, you said it was a trifecta of trauma. And that was a lot to carry, for sure. But needless to say, I think we have to be a lot more compassionate with each other, and certainly with ourselves, and you're a wonderful role model on both levels. So, thank you for that. The book is The Swipe Right Effect the power to get unstuck people can get it and how do they reach you?
Kelly Collins:
That it's available on Amazon, that's the easiest way to get it. My website is ckcollins.co. And, and my email is [email protected]. But there's a lot of references on the website, free things even to you know, to help people get started. And you can even read the first chapter of the book for free at swiperightchapter.com.
Alyssa Dver:
Fantastic. Again, thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing your story. Congratulations on overcoming what clearly was quite an experience, there's no question about it. And thank you for shining some light on the rest of us today.
Kelly Collins:
Thank you so much.
Alyssa Dver:
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
