EP 66: Real Confidence- 5 Phrases that Crush Confidence

November 26, 2023

I’m going to call BS on something we probably all heard as kids: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

I know we were all taught this rhyme to shut bullies up, but words do matter, and we don’t always appreciate how much.

Especially when they’re coming out of our mouths and we mean well – we truly do – but how they land has the opposite effect.

I’m as guilty of this as anyone. And it took me a really long time to realize how my good intentions could take someone’s confidence down instead of building it up, not just because of what I said, but how I said it and in what context.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve zeroed in on five phrases that have the ability to kill our confidence when we hear them, and kill someone else’s when we say them.

These phrases seem benign but even when they’re offered in the spirit of support or helpfulness, can create fear. Fear of failure, regret or rejection – the three fears that really make us all question our confidence.

Listen in to find out what the phrases are, what you can say instead and/or respond confidently when someone says them to you. That way we can all try and be a little more compassionate to ourselves and to other people who do intend well, but don't always have the right words to tell us.

Episode Transcript

EP 66: 5 Phrases that Crush Confidence

Welcome fellow confidence, crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers, this is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.

Alyssa Dver:
We don't always appreciate that our words matter. What I mean by that is the way we say things, the actual words, the tone, the context, you can really hit somebody in a way that you don't necessarily intend or even realize after the fact. So whether you're a parent, an aunt, an uncle, a mentor, a friend, a manager, or even a consultant, when you're getting paid to tell somebody what you really think, oftentimes, that's not true, they are not paying you to tell them what you think they actually want you to tell them or reinforce what they think. So, today's episode, I want to uncover just five, there's a probably 5 million, but I'm going to just do five of the phrases that really trigger people in a way that I don't know if you've ever really realized. And I say that because it took me a really long time to realize how negative these were in somebody's head, even though that may not really been my intention, my intention may have been to help them.

So first, let's explain a little bit about what happened. So, you say something to somebody. And they registered in their brain. And again, they're they may not even be conscious of the registration. So, they're taken in the words they're processing it, either with thoughtfulness or not. And needless to say, sometimes those words create fear. They create fear in a way that that person will feel like they either have failed or potentially will fail. If they do or don't do what you're telling them to do. They may regret doing or not doing. And regret is terribly, it can be a motivating thing, of course, but not necessarily a good way. And the big one is the rejection, right? We talk about all three of these fears, failure, regret and rejection in everything we do at the American Confidence Institute, because those are the three fears that really make us question our confidence, they make us go, oh, this is scary. Somebody's not gonna like me, I'm gonna be rejected. And so, when those fears are triggered, it is that second, that nanosecond, that if we recognize that's what's happening, we can be more rational, we can really think about, am I in danger? Am I in emotional danger? Is this something really true? Is this one person's opinion only, and we can be rational in a way that we can really think through that fear and decide if it's legit or not legit in terms of somebody that's trying to hurt us.

So for example, just to illustrate, you know, I was having conversation with somebody this weekend about a relationship that he's having, a very happy relationship, and some of his other friends are acting very mean, very alienating, if you will, and you know, it's easy on the outside you say, well, they're jealous, they are feeling like you're chosen somebody else over them. Right? And so, there was clearly that reaction of you know, they have that rejection flare but when we say something to somebody, well it's not necessarily visible. And there is that moment that the person says you're not gonna like me or you don't like me, or if I don't listen to you, I have a high likelihood of failing. You may not see it may not be as evident like that.

So let me give you one of the first phrases and maybe this will all come very, very clear I'm hoping. If you have done something and you kicking yourself for it, you know that whatever you said or did it was just a bonehead move and somebody else, particularly if it's a parent, or a friend or somebody else that you respect turns around and go, what were you thinking? Boy, oh boy, that just reinforces to you that you screwed up, right? What are you thinking? Because clearly in that moment, maybe you weren't thinking, and you feel terrible about that or maybe you had the wrong thought in terms of the outcome that you were hoping for. Doesn't matter. When somebody says, what are you thinking? You just feel even worse, right? So again, I don't think the person who says that is mal intended, I don't think they're trying to make you feel lousy. But in some way, shape, or form they're trying to, I guess help by saying don't do. All right. That's number one. What were you thinking?

Number two, you're ready. When you're having a conversation with somebody, and this could be a heated conversation or not, and they go, you don't understand you just don't get it. You don't understand it as a recipient, you're immediately you're thinking, yes, I understand or you're not explaining it very well. But unless you stand up for yourself in that way, you don't understand, comes across as very condescending, comes across as you're stupid, you're failing. I don't like you all the fears, push, push, push, push, push, push those buttons, you don't understand. Now you don't understand could very well mean, I haven't explained it well enough, but instead of me saying that, to you, or to somebody else, I say you don't understand. Not my fault. You're an idiot. Phrase number two, you don't understand. Now, in a lighthearted conversation or lighter hearted conversation, I should say, you don't understand may just be in this case, me. expressing some frustration that I'm not communicating well enough that you are not understanding what I'm trying to communicate. But again, whose burden is that who's failing? I am failing, not the person I'm communicating to. Right? So, number two, you don't understand.

Ready for number three? Ah, now I've written quite a few books, I love me some movies and some good television series and otherwise, but when somebody says to me, you haven't read that? As if I'm supposed to read every bloody book on the planet, or you haven't seen it? Right, because I have so much time to sit down and watch television. So that phrase you haven't seen, you haven't heard? Is if you know, again, they're surprised that I haven't done at all. Yeah, not so good. Right? So very often, people say that to me, like there's an author or show or something that they're really surprised. I haven't seen it. But instead of saying something like, boy, I saw the show and if you haven't seen it, I think you would love it. Right? What a difference that makes. Because you haven't seen, or you haven't heard. Wow, that makes you feel like, you know, I must be the only person on the planet that has it right? I'm a loser. I'm being rejected, I failed. But when somebody's excited about something, and they're like, if you haven't seen it, I think you would really love it. It's just the flip of words, right? But what a bloody difference. What an amazing change to take somebody out of this. I suck. I haven't seen too. Oh, they are thinking that this is something I might like. Right? So again, these phrases, these words really matter. So, let's just do a really quick recap. We did what were you thinking? You don't understand. You haven't read or you haven't seen? And I say them almost lightly like that. They don't sound so bad, right? You haven't read? Really you haven't seen that? Let's do it that way.

And number four, you're gonna hear this a lot. And I kind of picked on my fellow consultants in the beginning. All right, and consultants, advisors, mentors, you all fall into this category because you are elevated to a place where people are saying, please tell me what you think. Maybe I'm even paying you for telling me what you think. But it, there is this same rule here, that if you use words that make your client in this case, or your cousin, or your kid feel like they failed, that they regret, or they're going to feel like they are going to be rejected, that you're not going to like them, particularly when you're elevated to a place of, I respect your opinion. If you put them in that fear space, it hits almost twice as hard. It makes them say, well, this person who I think is smart and right is telling me, I suck.

So, here's a phrase that's used a lot. And I admit, I've used it many more times than I should have ever in my past, and I'm trying really hard not to use it now as an expert in my field, but I would hope that even as you know, doesn't matter what your expertise and expertise in your job and your parenting and your again, your friendships. This is a phrase that really gets to people's insecurity. And here it is, you're ready. If I were you I would, if I were you, I would. Now, in reality, you're not that person, right? You have a whole different set of skills, knowledge, experience, and perspective. And I would it's such an empty statement, because I would doesn't have any implication, it doesn't have any consequence. To so easy to say. But when you're in a stew of emotions over something, a relationship issue, a career, job issue. If I were you, I would makes it sound so easy makes it sound so, boy, I have the answer. It's so clear to me, but you don't. It's such an immediate path to somebody's fear button because they are thinking to themselves, boy, I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right thing is, but this person is telling me what to do. But if I were you, I would, is there a better way to do that, of course. We're going to talk about that in a little bit. But that's another one of those zingers statements.

Number five, number five. This one is all-inclusive. It is the one that wraps around everything we talked about. It wraps around so much, and I have a feeling you're gonna get it because many of you may know this one already. But we're all guilty of it. We're all guilty of it. Number five, you should you should. Should is that terrible word. You know, I love that phrase. Don't let people should all over you. Well, you should you should not use the word should like that. You should. Should, is it's just a horrible word. It's my least favorite in the English language, it means that you are being told something that you may not want or to do or that you never thought of doing in either case, big fear trigger. You should. You should. You shouldn't eat that. You shouldn't smoke that. You shouldn't drive too fast. You shouldn't, you shouldn't, you shouldn't. Now it's an unnecessary word of course, but the way we use it when we talk to people, when we say to somebody you shouldn't do that. It's usually unsolicited, right? It's usually kind of berating them or chastising them for something that they're about to do or have done and shouldn't do again. So, you should.

So again, I'm going to review the five and then we're gonna take a break. And when we come back, I'm going to give you a better way to approach all these phrases and a little coaching insight for yourself that you can use whenever you're in the situation. So, number one, what were you thinking, too, you don't understand? Three? You haven't read that? You haven't seen that? Number four, if I were you, I would. Number five. You should. You're gonna take that break, we'll be right back.

If you've listened to Real Confidence for a while you know about the American Confidence Institute, but what you might not realize is we offer an amazing confidence coaching certification program that well over 500 people around the world have gone through and rave about. It's accredited by both the International Coaching Federation, ICF, and Strategic HR management, SHRM, which means if you are certified by those entities, you can get continuing ed credit by taking our course. But don't let that scare you. If you don't have any certification, or you don't have any coaching experience at all, the ACI program is for anyone that is interested in learning how to help other people overcome confidence challenges by using a brain science based 15-minute method. We also deliver this course to groups in all types of organizations. One participant sent me a note recently saying it was the best training she's ever done. So, for more information, or just send us your questions, please go to American Confidence Institute.com.

So, we only have a couple more minutes left in this pod. And as we have been teaching people how to coach confidence for well over a decade, can't really do it in five minutes or less. But I can tell you, there are some very simple promises that will help you not only avoid those phrases, dishing them out, but dealing with them when they're dished on you. And there's a very, again, maybe it's a duck for a lot of you who've been doing coaching, simple way to think about this is that rather than tell somebody what they should do, ask them what they think they should do, what are the options? What are the things that they could do want to do? What are the possibilities help them think it through be a thought partner, not a thought teller, not a counselor, but a thought partner. And in those moments, when you get those phrases thrown at you, you should, you can actually use this as a little bit of a defense and say to somebody, well, I appreciate that, that's an option.

But let's think through the other options that I have here. So self-coach, but in the same time, take that person who just should on you. And let them be a thought partner with you. You know that that's a great idea. That's one of them, probably many, maybe we can come up with some other things that are things I could do. So very simple way to change those fear buttons, I hope, you know, they're triggering that fear that fear that like I suck this person who I used to respect and like, is telling me that I just I'm no good into, okay, they don't have the right words, they don't have the tools to tell me that they love me that they care about me that they want to show off their expertise that they're trying to help all those rational thoughts. And take those phrases and turn them into coaching moments for yourself. And for them. How cool is that? How cool is that? Wouldn't it be a better world? If we were able to say to somebody without so many words, I appreciate your concern, now help me really figure this out. So, my friends, let's all try and be a little more compassionate to ourselves always. And to other people who do intend well, but don't always have the right words to tell you.

So, before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.

EP 66: Real Confidence- 5 Phrases that Crush Confidence

Join Our Free Trial