EP: 64- How to Ask for Help
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
I was with a friend recently, and I was really stunned that she made the comment that she doesn't know how, doesn't feel comfortable or confident asking for other people's help. I was like, what? I guess because I'm often asking you for help, and it doesn't faze me. I really was perplexed and asked her to elaborate a little bit more how and why that happened. And her comment was that the way she was brought up in her house or in her family, it was not okay to ask for help, because asking for help showed that you are weak, or failing, that she was told, you know, buck up, just persevere, get through it, deal with it, figure it out. And that was the way her brain and her behavior subsequently worked. And I don't know if I can, you know, in my household, I don't think help was necessarily something we were taught to ask for, but I certainly didn't have that same upbringing. There wasn't any shame. And in fact, I kind of joke about it. Because in a Jewish culture, I'll weigh you know, this word of kvetch. If you've never heard it, it's a great word, kvetch. It’s a Yiddish word it means kind of, to complain. You know, it's we kvetch about a lot, but in a lot of cases, you could look at that as a way of asking for help. Right? oh, I can't believe I got to clean the house. Right? I asked you for help. That's kind of a funny way of looking at it. But I think depending on again, your upbringing, you may have been angled to either ask for help or not. And, and my friend who clearly was not as an adult now was really overwhelmed. And she's gone through some major, major trauma in her life, really does need some help. And I don't just mean like psychological help, which is a different topic, but you know, just help around the house. She's a single mom raising four kids.
And, you know, I think that asking for help. And a lot of people's heads, we think, well, if I asked for help, I'm gonna I'm a loser. Absolutely not. So, this is what I told my friend. And her face lit up. Subsequently, her behavior not only changed, but her confidence, like shot through the roof. Because they said, you know what, when you ask other people for help, you're actually giving them a gift. You're giving them the ability to do something that gives them purpose that makes them feel good, that makes them feel that they're helping somebody like you that they care about, in a productive way. It's a gift to ask for help. And in many cases, you're giving them pleasure, you're giving them, as I said, purpose. And she said to me, I never thought of it that way. Of course, not because we're not really geared in that way, no matter how we were brought up. But when you ask somebody for the right kind of help, that's the key, right? You can't ask somebody, you know, hey, we take my kids to school, and you do it every day. That's not a gift. But if you ask somebody, you know, I really could use some help and I think you're the right person. And here's what I need. Certainly, they may say no, but at the same time, they may look at you with like, tell me what I can do.
Now, in reality when you know somebody is dealing with a lot, you know, traumatized or otherwise dealt a bad hand so to speak, they just have some bad luck or they, maybe they need some help at that particular time for whatever reason, and you're aware of that, offering to help them sometimes they'll look at you and they'll be like, thanks. I'll let you know. Right, thanks. Yeah, sure. Hey, how can I help? How many times? Have you said that? I say that all the time. How can I help? And they're so overwhelmed. And they're so maybe even afraid of thinking about being helped that they can't answer. They just say, Yeah, thanks. Hey, let me know how I can help. Let us know how we can help you and I have a pet peeve when people say how are you? And you say, Fine, you know, like, why do we bother? Because most of the time, we're not fine. Most of the time, we don't really want to know how somebody is and that phrase, how can I help falls in that same category? How can I help, we may have really good intention, and wanting to help, but it's a throwaway phrase, because in that moment, that person can't even give you an answer other than thanks. I'll keep it in mind. So, asking for help can be a gift to the other person. And it also is a way to reinforce for you when somebody when you do ask for help, and somebody accepts that in a gracious way, right? Oh, I'm so happy, I'd love to help. It also remind you that you matter that they want to help you. So, it's a gift right back to you as well. And, gosh, you know, if it's something that's not too massive of an ask, you know, small gifts, they're good gifts. They're great gifts for our brains, small wins small gifts. So, I want us to think about how we can not only ask for help, but maybe how we can offer help as well. And I have some very simple ways to do that in a more productive way than saying, hey, how can I help will give some sponsor love. And I'm going to give you those ways in just a minute.
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All right, some very specific ways that you can ask for help. And at the same time, we can turn them on their side as a way of saying if somebody seems to need help, how can we use these same techniques. So, the first tip is to be specific, be specific in what you need help with, how, and when. So, for example, I really need help with my lawn. And I don't know who to call our ask for this particular thing. I have a party coming up, I need somebody to help trim my bushes. And this was actually one of the requests that my friend asked when I started saying to her, what specific things can I help you with? So again, using that as maybe a coaching moment? Or if you're the one asking for help, say to the person that you think could help you with that? This is what I need? Can you help me with that? When you say I need help? Or if you say to somebody, what can I help you with something like that may not pop to the surface. But what a beautiful thing to get off that person's list right? Now, when you say that and you're specific to somebody, I need help with my lawn. The mental Rolodex goes boom, right. I wish I had real side effects at the moment. But you know that person can start thinking, do a home who does my lawn Who else could help? And immediately what I said to my friend is, hey, I don't have a lawn person myself, but my friend's son does a lot of lawn work and he's actually looking for some additional things to do right now. Would that be sufficient? And she went, oh, gosh, that would be awesome. So, making that easy, connect me both these days. Again, a great gift. So, tip number one, be specific as to what you need when you need it, and how you need it done.
Second tip be specific when you're asking that person for help. Why do you think they are the right person to help you. Now brain science lens on always here, why do we want to be able to say, I'm asking you for this help? Because I think you're the right person? Well, because we're asking for a favor, but at the same time, we want to give that person a little bit of confidence love as a thank you. And so, when you tell somebody because I think you're the right person, not only could they feel very honored, very gifted, but they can also say to you, you know what, I'm not the right person if they're not. So, it makes it not only a specific ask for this is what I want done. I think you're really the right person to ask for that. And this is why you have an extensive network, or, in my case, my, my example before, because I have a very large lawn, my friend assumed that I had a lawn person, named my husband. But needless to say, you know, I like telling that person why you're asking them not just asking the universe, right? Oh, I really wish somebody would do my lawn, right? As opposed to, hey, you have a really big lawn, and I need some work done. I'm wondering if you have somebody that you can recommend. The it's a whole different ask, it's a whole different way of saying to somebody, I think you, you have all people can actually help me with this. Tip number one, be specific with what you need when you need it, and how you need it. Tip number two was be specific why that person you're asking for help.
Tip number three is specific also about why it's going to help you not just get it off your to do list. But again, I'm going to use the same example my friend said to me, I need to have my bushes and my path by weeding and so forth cleaned up, because I'm hosting a party. And it's really important to me, I've got all these other things to worry about. And I just want to make sure that the lawn looks good. And you have a big lawn, I'm wondering if you have somebody that you could refer to me? So not only did I understand, as the helper, what my friend needed, but I understood why. And why she was asking me specifically. Right? So again, beating that into a way that not only does the person you're asking understand why you're asking, but you're legitimizing it for both of you what and who you're asking. Right? It's not just boy, I wish somebody would take this off my to do list on my plate, but there's some real reason why I'm asking for this. So that's number three.
So, number four is the out. And what I mean by that is giving that person the ability to say no, you're like, what? Maybe I shouldn't do that. No, you should. And here's why. When somebody's asked for something, and it may be, again, good reasons why you're asking who you're asking. But maybe it's not good timing for them. And they don't want to feel badly telling you I can't do that. So, give them the ability to say, you know, I am really honored that you would ask me to do this, I just can't do that right now? Or could I do that in a couple of weeks when I have a little bit more bandwidth. And this is how you do it. When you make the ask. When you're saying to somebody, I need help. Again, be specific about what you need, when you need it, how you need it. Be specific, why you need it, be specific, why? How it's going to help you. But then say, and if this is not a good time for you, or if you're unable to do it, it's okay. Just let me know. Now, some people are gonna be like, no, no, no, no, no, I got it. I got it. Right. They're gonna rise to that occasion for, you know, all the good and bad reasons that that comes with the ego. But at the same time, you're basically saying to that person, look, I know, I'm asking for something. And if it's really not convenient, or you're not able to do it, that's okay, too. And it gives them that ability to say I would really love to help you. I just can't do it now. So, if you are needing some help, there's things that are on your to do list or bugging you that you really need somebody else's help. I would encourage you to use this almost as a checklist use this as a way of saying, who can I ask, what's the specific ask, why do I need this done? And who can I approach with this request in a way that brings that off forward as well as allows them to say no pretty simple when I say it like that, but I want you to remember, if nothing else, then when you do ask somebody for help in a sincere way, it's a gift to both of you. It's not a burden. It's not a show of weakness or failure. It certainly isn't something that you should feel badly about guilty about. You're gifting somebody the ability to do something that has meaning for them, because it has relevance and impact for you.
Love to hear your feedback, always on the pod, anywhere, any channel or through our website. Thanks for tuning in. Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other real confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
