EP 59:Overcoming Confidence-crushing Brain Chatter with Special Guest Jacquie Elliott
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to welcome your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. Let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
Welcome to another episode of Real Confidence! We are going to be talking about something that when it caught my attention, I was like, I have to know more about this. I hope you're here for that same reason. We're going to talk about abusive brain chatter. And we have an expert Jacquie Elliott's here with me and we are so lucky. She is a certified life relationship and spiritual coach. So, I know our listenerships, our listenership is a little bit of everything, Jacquie. So, we're going to talk a little bit of all today, you also lead some really cool retreats. And at the end, we'll give people an opportunity to learn a little bit more about those and how to get in touch with you. And if they want to join every tree, that would be super helpful, too. So welcome to the show.
Jacquie Elliott:
Well, thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
Alyssa Dver:
Jacquie, we got to start off with this. What is abusive brain chatter because it's a phrase that literally grabbed my attention off the page. How do you define it? What is it?
Jacquie Elliott:
Okay, so abusive brain chatter is that chatter in our head that holds us back. And it's different from schizophrenia. I'm not talking about mental illness; I'm talking about the regular population. And what is interesting about it is that if you look at what emotional abuse is, which is gaslighting, belittling, bullying, isolating; abusive brain chatter has that same quality. It's the voice in your head that says, oh, you're too fat, you're never going to meet someone, don't even try, you're going to ask for a raise. Why would they give you a raise? It's that kind of chatter in your head that holds you back. Now we all have chatter, right? It's just a normal process. Our brain chatters all the time. But the abusive brain chatter is particularly mean and particularly holds you back. And if you listen to it, it will cause you to not take chances in your life. But the irony of it is that it needs to be listened to, it's there screaming at you to try to protect you. So, it's a protection mechanism and it's an abuse mechanism. So that's, you know, basically what it is.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, so I'm going to unpack. You just put a lot into that answer. So, I've got to unpack a little bit of the pieces here. Let's go back to the definition. And you sound a lot like inner critic are those is similar, same.
Jacquie Elliott:
Yes. And it is and people call it the inner critic, but the reason I call it abusive brain chatter is because it's that word abusive. For me when I got in touch with, I was emotionally abusing myself, suddenly it became not okay. Inner critic is, you know, we all have an inner critic, and, you know, and if we are doing art, the inner critic comes out, but abusive brain chatter. I wouldn't I didn't want to tolerate that anymore. Yeah, that's what I that's why I name it that.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah. And so also jumping a little ahead in your, this critic or this chatter can be a good positive warning signal. I write a lot about this. I talk a lot about this in all my blogs and podcasts and other people's podcasts that you know, if you pay attention to some of that information and use it objectively great. So, I think what you're saying is, the inner critic is almost on that line of that could be really productive. If you let the inner critic just help, call your attention. The abusive part of it is where you're like, alright, this is not okay. And this is not something that I necessarily want to use, per se productively. I just want it to stop.
Jacquie Elliott:
Right, or I want to figure out what, what it's why it's here.
Alyssa Dver
So why is it usually there? Why does the abusiveness happen? And, you know, again, I am recognizing you're not a psycho analyst, but you have talked to many people with this type of abusive brain chatter. So, where's it coming from? Why does it happen?
Jacquie Elliott:
Well, a lot of times like you said, it is a protection mechanism. So, it comes from, I talk about the ABCs of abusive brain chatter, and how to how to how to really get in touch with it, and the C, part of it is your core beliefs. So, it really comes from your core beliefs. And if you have a core belief that you're not good enough, your chatter is going to absolutely run with that. And it's going to try to protect you, right? So, if you're saying, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough. So, it's going to say, you better not go for that job because you're not good enough. You better not go out, you know, you better not go for that relationship, because you're not good enough. It's going to just echo what you think, what your core beliefs are. So that's why it's a really important step in the ABCs to challenge those core beliefs. And to say, really, really? Am I really not good enough, you know, and I liken it to like the little kid who's pulling on his mother's apron strings going mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, it wants attention. And if you just scream at it and say shut up it's, you know, it's not going to, it's not going to help the child, it's not going to help you. But if you take the time to say, wow, what, I'm really afraid you're not going to get that job. Okay, I hear you, but I got this. And so, there's a whole process that that we have to go through, which is to find our kind inner voice.
That's the second that's the belief. So, the three if you'd like me to lay out the three steps to finding out the to clearing your abusive brain chatter. The first is awareness. Be aware of what you're saying to yourself and be aware of the signs of emotional abuse. If you are saying, you know, maybe I shouldn't go for that job interview. Well, maybe that's not abusive brain chatter. But if you're saying you're so stupid, you'll never get that job. Isn't that little belittling? Isn't that bullying? gaslighting? You know a gaslighting happens a lot where you go, hi, I wonder if it was me? Or did they really insult me? Or was that me? Or was that them? You start confusing yourself. And you don't learn how to speak up for yourself.
So the ABCs are awareness. Believe, and that's the spiritual piece. And I know people go oh, yeah, spiritual piece. But no, you have to be able to tune into something greater than yourself, you have to be able to say, do the work to find that kind, loving voice, the one that's going to then C, challenge your core belief. And so a lot of times what I say to myself is, you know, as that's happening, I'll say, you know, I might say something like, oh, I'm going on Facebook, or whatever, and look at me, I look terrible, I look so old. And I say to myself, no, that's not how we talk to Jacquie anymore. We don't talk to her that way. And so that's the kind of ABCs just really be aware of what you're saying to yourself. Take a week to just write down what you're saying to yourself, and then be aware of the signs of emotional abuse. Believe find your spiritual center, the voice that you really want to come through. And C, challenge those core beliefs. And if you need to do that in therapy, or whatever you need to do start challenging those.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah, well, you know, and the belief obviously, could be in the spiritual sense, as you said, but I also remind people that what you believe may not be true. So you're telling yourself, you're not good enough, you're not ever deserving and challenging those things, you know, challenge them in an objective way, you know, maybe a good litmus test, is if this was somebody else telling you that I want to your friends, you know, what would you tell them? The first thing you probably would say, it's not true. It's just what you believe. But that doesn't mean it's true.
Jacquie Elliott:
Right? Right. And that's why it's so important to find the piece that knows that it's not true. I mean, my spiritual center would never my spirit guide whatever you want to call it, God, higher power, Buddha, whatever, would never say mean things to me. When I really meditate and I find my spiritual center, I never say mean things to myself. And when I journal, and I journal from a spiritual place, I never say mean things to myself. So that's really important. Find that voice that doesn't believe that.
Alyssa Dver:
Yeah. And I think you know, when you say get therapy, work with a coach, find a friend, somebody who can tell you what looks and smells like its false, false beliefs, undeserving beliefs, right? That it doesn't have to be hard to see that more accurate mirror but at the same time, just making the effort to do it. That's confidence building. So, I do encourage people to follow some of this very sage advice whether you believe in higher spirits or not, doesn't matter. Reality is to get that garbage out of our heads. Sometimes we do need some help. And I wonder, you know, speaking of giving help, when you talk to people who say they've acknowledged at least they have that A, that Jacquie, you know, I got this crap in my head, I really, really want to get it out. Is there something like that? Is there something that causes them to finally wake up to be aware? Is there? Is there a moment? Is there something that happens? Or what else do they show up?
Jacquie Elliott:
Well, that's an interesting question. Because most of the time when I'm working with a client, they really don't even know they have abusive brain chatter until I start defining it for them. And then they go, Yeah, you're right. And a lot of times, they'll start, what happens is, and I usually find it with something I call tornado head. And that is where I'll start with the client. And they'll say, oh, I'm really bummed this week, I didn't get a job. And, you know, it's because I, you know, my, I didn't speak up for myself, I never speak up for myself, because I'm, you know, I never learned how to do that. My mother never taught me how to do that. And her grandmother never taught me to do that. And it's like a tornado head. And they start going with this tornado head. And I start, like you said, unpacking it and going, whoa, whoa, whoa, how did we start from you applying for a job to your grandmother never acknowledged your mother. I mean, I know that's part of it and we do have to unwind that, because a lot of the voices we get our voices that sometimes were put on us, we're told, you know, my mother told me it was important to get a man and to be beautiful. And so, I, you know, that was that became a voice in my head. And if I didn't feel beautiful, well, then I would start with my tornado head, and I would self-sabotage, and a lot of addiction is about quieting those voices. So, what I do with my clients is I love this process. And you probably know about voice dialogue. Are you familiar with that process?
Alyssa Dver:
I'm not an expert by any means, but I have a feeling nobody else listening is either. So why don't you just give an example or a definition of it too?
Jacquie Elliott:
Okay, so it's it was a book written by Hal and Sidra Stone. And what we do what I do in my sessions, and what this is about is giving voice to both parts of those cells. So, in other words, I would say to you, so Alyssa, tell me what part of you really want to succeed in your job? And you would say, well, let’s call her success. And how about the other part? What's the part that's holding you back? Well, let's call that the saboteur. So, then we go, okay, now we've got two parts of you. And then we do, I talked to the saboteur, and I talked to the part that wants to succeed. And usually what happens is that they're both, they're both at odds, but if they both learn to work, they're both wanting to work for your benefit. That's the that's the thing that usually comes up. So, you start to hear those two voices, you start, you start realizing that the saboteur is just trying to protect you. And you realize that the view that wants to really be successful is trying to protect you. So then we negotiate. Okay, so now a saboteur, what are you willing to do to allow this person to allow her to succeed, so you both can get what you want? So, we kind of integrate the two parts so that we're on the same page. It's a simplistic view, but it's really very, very powerful, very powerful.
Alyssa Dver
No, I love it. I think it's an interesting approach. And, you know, I think the key in here, as we said earlier, and I'm just going to kind of reiterate because it's so important, it's important in everything that at least we do at the institute sounds like it's key to what you're doing is there are 1001 reasons why some of this chatter may happen but in reality, it is a little bit of a warning, a little signal that when you look at and you go oh, there's some data here and not make it about you or your ego or protecting yourself and you're looking and go why did that person just criticize me? Why did they reject me for whatever reason I apply for a job they tried to apply for speaking thing may look, I got rejected all the time. And I have to take that emotional slingshot, which that’s what it is, somebody's like throwing an arrow at me. That's what it feels like. And go wait a minute. Stop. Don't let it go into my brain stem. Don't act like a cave person. Don't get all emotional. Look at it. What do I want to do with this? How do I want to handle it? Right? That's hard. That’s hard to do. So, in your client work how long does it take? Is it something that people can master? How long? Or what is the usual fix look like?
Jacquie Elliott:
You know, it varies. It really depends some people you know, three or four months, you know, , they come in, we do the work, they understand where it came from, they might hear their mother's voice in it, we do some work on letting go of agreements that you've made with your family members, or with your teacher or with your sisters, or, you know, the agreement you made, I will, I will behave this way, and you will love me. So we do a little bit of work on where those beliefs came from, and letting them go. And so, some people, it can be as few as a few months, some people, you know, it can take a year, it can take two, it depends upon what, you know, what trauma, how, how willing they are to go there. And we start, you know, we start with finding that spiritual center, before we're gonna go anywhere, you know, I really want you to feel just like you said, you need to feel safe, you need to feel grounded, and you need to be ready to face both sides of yourself. And that's where we start, you know, let's, let's get you grounded. I want you to understand that that wonderful voice so that we can, so that we can lay it out and see how it compares.
Alyssa Dver:
Wonderful. Now, as I mentioned earlier, you do some retreats, and not to make it a big ad at this point. But because I will give people pointers. I'm curious if it does that dynamic does the process and efficiency change when people are together versus one on one with you?
Jacquie Elliott:
You know, I had a retreat a couple of weeks ago, and it was very powerful. With all of us being together. There was a level of honesty and support. It was a women's retreat. And the results were just amazing with you know, one of the women was struggling to get her PhD. And she had that chatter that she wasn't smart enough. And she couldn't write her dissertation. And when she left the retreat, she wrote to me a few days later and said, I've been writing all day long. I've got a presentation, you know, what we do is we help you imagine you're like she imagined a head dress. And that was her goddess, that was her warrior. And so, she said, I just put on my head dress. And when I did my presentation, it was wonderful. So, in that case, yeah, women, you know, women supporting women is always very, very powerful.
Alyssa Dver:
That's great. Yeah, I think it also helps us realize that we're not quote crazy, that this is a relatively normal situation, even for really smart, hardworking, beautiful people. Yeah, we tend to not just have a little inner critic, we have an inner chi bosher. So needless to say, I am so grateful that you shared some of your pearls of wisdom, people who want to get more, and perhaps even look into a retreat, what's the best way to find you.
Jacquie Elliott:
So, the website I have is healingABC. It's for abusivebrainchatter or just abusive brain chatter you can get to me either way. I just want to let people know that on the first Monday of the month, I do a free zoom motivation where we come together and make things, your dreams come true by setting goals and moving towards the things that you want to move towards. So that's available as well.
Alyssa Dver:
Wonderful. Thank you so much for joining us, Jacquie Eliot. I am very, very motivated to learn more about abusive brain chatter new phrase for me, but man, you just opened my eyes and my ears to something that very, very honored that you share that with me and the listeners here. Thank you.
Jacquie Elliott:
Thank you.
Alyssa Dver:
This podcast was sponsored by the American Confidence Institute, ACI trains smart, hardworking people how to use basic brain science to more effectively coach themselves and others. ACI is endorsed by top universities. The Strategic HR Management Association and International Coaching Federation. Learn more about ACI as uniquely empowering keynotes, workshops, e classes, and coaching certification at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.
So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others. And you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered, or ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.
