EP 56: REAL CONFIDENCE- Self-Awareness is Overrated
Welcome fellow confidence, crusaders, neuro nerds and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
I've written myself, but almost everyone who's into self-help, or psychology knows that self-awareness is really the key, not a key, but the key to improving who you are and becoming what you want to be. But I'm gonna say that self-awareness is really misunderstood. In fact, I think it really is overrated. And here's why. Now, many assessments of you take in, I run into people all the time that tell me, they're assessment junkies, they love learning about themselves, they'll take anything to get some kind of an assessment score and analysis of their personality. And I'm guilty of this myself, not just as a user, but I put enough assessments out, by the way, we do have a free one on the American Confidence Institute site that's really good, but unlike all the other assessments, our self-check doesn't put you into a box. Because once you're in that box, you then are given the freedom to use it as an excuse, you know, I'm a lmnkoptyz and therefore, I can't do that, or that's why I reacted as such, or that's just who I am.
So, the assessment results, becomes not so much self-awareness as an aha, but it becomes a boundary. And in many cases, you'll see in these assessments, they'll also tell you what other people are, how and interact. But I'm going to put my money on the fact that most of us don't remember any of the details of that. Instead, we just focus on who we are. And subsequently what we can deflect is not our responsibility, not our choice. So, I'm not a big fan of traditional assessments. And again, on the ACI side, we have something called the self-check that is more of a coaching tool, if you will, that looks and says based on the way you would answer things at this moment here are some ideas on why and how to maybe change that if you're not happy with your reaction. And again, take the test or the in case, the self-check in a couple of weeks, and you might find something different.
So, assessments, are they terrible? They're not terrible by any means. They certainly give people some insight and make them think and I think no more different than if you want to read your horoscope or go to your local Chinese restaurant and grab the zodiac signs from there and read what year you fall into. There are some good nuggets of hmm, yeah, I never thought of it that way. Or no, that's not really me. And that's all good. I think that's all part of the self-awareness activity. If you work in a corporate environment, you might even have had or participated in someone else's 360-performance review. The concept is anonymously asking your peers to give feedback. And I've seen some of these results. A lot of my coaching clients will come with their 360 assessments with their heads hung low and go, oh, my teammates don't think that I'm easy to work with or that I confirm too often, I say yes, too often, or I ask them for their confirmation. Too often they get feedback like that, or that they're too agreeable that they agree to easily, right. It's kind of this soft way of saying somebody's saying to somebody knock it off.
But you know, whether you have that kind of feedback, or again, maybe you've done a color analysis, whatever it is, all good food for thought and you get to choose, choose if you agree if you want to do something about that feedback. But I would say it is very rare, extraordinarily unusual, that somebody is going to tell you the truth. That it is unconscionable to think that somebody is going to tell you that you're self-centered or you're sloppy or you're disorganized, or you're stuck in your ways, and completely inflexible, and I say that course maybe with a partner that you have lived with for a while, or best buddy or somebody that you know that either is going to be receptive to that, and or you really are angry, it's very rare that we would tell each other, those kinds of things in a loving, productive way.
And I wonder if you've ever thought about, if you're in a work environment, for example, maybe you're the difficult person. And maybe you're the reason everybody else is going to training to learn how to deal with you. Self-awareness, right?
Now, if we did tell everyone else that they're difficult, that they're making our lives horrible or challenging, or we just run out the opposite way when we see them, but it wouldn't be easier. Wouldn't it be cheaper to deal with, we would all have to go to that training, or maybe group psychology or coaching or whatever it is, it'd be certainly less destructive in the bigger picture.
But it is scary. And there are legal ramifications. And of course, this kind of feedback is often subjective, you know, we can collect all the data points in the running journal file, as often you will be told if somebody is really acting inappropriately collect the data, right. But it is relatively subjective. So, it makes it hard.
A recent situation for me, and very painful, very, very hard, emotionally, financially, is I had to fire someone from my team. And this was somebody that's worked in the group for about three years. And it went on for a while that I knew that there was a problem, it wasn't something that I woke up one day and go, Oh, you know, but I excused all the shortcomings I for a long time, I kept saying, Yeah, that's just the way she is. And so, I would hire more people, I would spend more time or money, covering up those gaps, filling those gaps, because that's just the way she was.
And I figured, you know, I had a need for that person. She provided some content, some expertise, some things that were valuable to me in the business. But after half a million dollars of trying to work with her in a productive way. And not only was really, really tired I'm really angry. Still. I'm angry, maybe more at myself than even her because I let that go on for so long without addressing it so clearly in my face. But it got so far down the path that I was really losing sleep. for weeks on end, I know my team was angry and frustrated and weren't being productive, certainly taking a toll, whether we could pinpoint the date or not on our clients, on our partners. Because not only was this person dropping the ball, and not responsive and all that, but because we were all angry, we were frustrated, because the energy, starting with me as the leader, was really negative was really, really sucking the wind out of everyone's joy.
So, I found it hysterically ironic, when this particular individual said to me, she was all excited about discovering the platinum rule. And for those of you don't know the platinum rule, we probably know the Golden Rule, do unto others as you would unto yourself. But the platinum rule is more what the diversity market looks at, which is do unto others as they want to be done on to in other words, don't assume that somebody likes or wants the same things you do, and figure that out. So, you can support and serve them and when she came to me and she was all excited about that, I was like boy oh boy, and hope she understands what that really means.
Clearly, not clearly not. So, a lot of time, a lot of money, a lot of energy lost. And again, my anger, as much as I was frustrated with her was really directed at me because by the time that I was in a position and to do something about this my legal and financial advisors were really strong and said do not tell her anything, just let her go. Because as a business, the liabilities and the stakes are so high that if I said anything, it could be misconstrued. It could be taken back in the form of a lawsuit.
So instead of sharing with this individual my concerns, my issues at that point, because we knew that she had been lying and doing things that were against contract. All I could say was, to her, it's unfortunate, you feel that way. And she'll never know, she'll never really understand, maybe if she listens to this podcast. But that feedback, that self-awareness of what she was doing and how she was showing up and behaving, she'll never get because of the way that our constructs the way our legal systems work. And who knows, you know, did I learn, did my team learn for sure, so not total waste of time, but kind of a bummer. It's kind of a bummer. But it just points to the fact that being self-aware, you can take all the assessments in the world may not tell you that when you lie, and you think you're getting away with it, other people can tell, and it can really destroy relationships.
It may not tell you that when you drop the ball, or you make excuses, or you don't respond quickly enough that others around you suffer and think less of you but also it hurts their job and makes them frustrated and angry. There's probably no assessment, that's going to tell you that your BS, the way that you approach people, you're in insincerity, your non genuineness and authenticity shows up every time that your face is on Zoom. So, I think that, again, it's a hard situation that self-awareness is overrated. We think that we know ourselves, but we really don't. And maybe we don't want to.
Recently, I had a situation in my family, and I'm not going to name names. But one of my family members did something and it really inconvenienced and saddened another family member. So, I let that first family member know, I said, you know what, you did this. And subsequently, this is how it affected this other person. Boy, oh, boy, that family member started yelling at me. It went on for days, didn't want to talk to me, very angry. And I finally said, well, if you don't want to know these things, in the future, I won’t tell you, but for me, I thought it was important that you knew that.
And I'm not sure it's going to make a difference either there to be honest with you, and the ramification to me of being yelled at and have somebody direct their own anger and frustration back to me, I question right now, here I am the confidence champion. And it's not even a matter of determining my confidence, I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew and made that choice to let that person know. But the ramification of getting all that black, I don't know if it's really worth it. You know, I kind of go back and say to myself, did it change anyone? No, did I have to suffer for no reason, perhaps. So next time, am I going to be as open and eager to give that person feedback to help them be more self-aware? Absolutely not. Sorry to say.
So, two examples, one legal one, just emotional personal, of why we don't give that kind of real feedback to one another, why we may walk around with our heads up something, in the sand, not really realizing how we're showing up in the world and what our impact is positive and negative. Do we get a lot of positive feedback? Sure, you're smart, you're awesome. Here's an award. Here's a raise. And so, if we're lucky, we may tell us why specifically, you know, you do this really well. You're really good collaborator, or you're really good at x. And this is why we want to reward it. Maybe we're lucky to get that kind of feedback. But do we ever really get the feedback of the kind of person that we are in ways that really is impacting other people? Probably not.
Now, you might be sitting there going, well, you know what, I don't care. You don't care about how you impact other people. Maybe that's true for you. Maybe it's not but the reality is, you should care. Not because you should be compassionate. Yes, that's a wonderful virtue. But the truth is when you understand how other people respond to you, you can not only get better behavior from them, but you're gonna get what you want more easily whether you're a manager or a parent or friend. And I'm not talking about manipulation. I'm talking about, if I put out positive energy, more than likely it's going to come back positive. If I put out negative energy, it's going to come back negative. And making those kinds of choices, ways that you want to say that people actually want your advice or want to be around you want you on the team, because of the way that you show up in the way that you impact them. That's really the goal of self-awareness. And I'm talking about, yeah, sure. It's nice to know how you think or learn, get that assessment, that's great. But if you really want to be confident and know how you control your own world, how you get out there and make the lane that you want to be in, we got to get a little deeper. So, I'm gonna give a little love as always, to a sponsor. And we come back, I'm gonna give you some specific ways that you can not only be more self-aware, but really have control of how you show up in the universe. We'll be right back.
This podcast was sponsored by the American Confidence Institute. ACI uses basic brain science to teach you not what, but how to think with more confidence. ACI is endorsed by top universities and business experts. And it is accredited by the Society for Human Resource Management, and the International Coaching Federation. Learn more about ACI as uniquely empowering keynotes, workshops, online training, and coaching certification at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.
Thank you for sticking around to get my answers to you. All right, self-awareness. How do we do it? How do we become more aware of who we are, what we're doing and the impact we're having on the world, so that we can be the person that we want to be so that we can respect our values, our needs, our wants, so that we can make confident choices about how we want to act, react and interact? With everyone around us? I'm going to give you four things, four things.
The first is try and make every conversation 50/50. What I mean by that is don't do all the talking. Ask questions. Particularly if somebody is a little introverted or shy, ask questions that you can get information about them about who they are, what they care about what they think about. Make every conversation a give and take. I am sure you have friends that only talking about themselves. I'm so vigilant about this when I go to a party and see somebody that I know or maybe don't know, well, and it's always i i that's all I talk about. I'll ask them questions; they never asked me questions. So be vigilant about that. Try and make yourself one of those people who is not the I in the room. But rather that is on equal par with other people getting information, understanding who they are, understanding how you can interact better with them from that data. Number one.
Two actively listen. Actively listen when you are having those conversations or with anyone at yourself when you are starting to think about what you want to say next. So, while the person is speaking, and you're not paying attention, and you're going to say this next, stop yourself, that is not healthy for anyone you're missing what they're saying all that data they're giving you is floating by because you're so focused on yourself. And there is nothing wrong with letting somebody speak, waiting for some silence and then responding giving yourself a little time to think about what you do want to say afterwards. But if you do it while they're speaking, shame on you. Reality is most of us do that. And most of us do it all the time. So, try and break that habit. Actively listen, and when you catch yourself thinking while they're speaking, say stop in your head. And if you add you can even admit to them hey, you know I just missed what you say can you repeat that? That's actually not a bad thing. That's like letting somebody know I actually really care what you said. And I drifted for a minute, I apologize.
So that's number two, actively listen number three. When somebody does something or says something that you appreciate, let them know that. I have a friend who for really long time was one of those people I, I, I always telling you about her and her family and her situation. And her this, that and her that. And it got to a point where I was like, do you even know that I'm in the room? Do you even know that there's somebody else on the other side of that text? So, for about a year now, maybe more I lost track, I've been actually thanking her every time she asks about me or something about my family. Guess what? It's changed her behavior dramatically. It's changed the way she's interacted with me. I can't say how she's interacted with other people. But I still think her I still remind her that that appreciate that she's asking, and lo and behold, the behaviors changed. So, when somebody does something, or says something, and you're like, wow, I really appreciate that, say it, write it, let them know, and let them know, all the time.
Now, number four, seek real feedback. And this is hard. It's hard to do. But it's hard to take. If you ask somebody, you know, tell me my greatest strengths. That's going to be wonderful and easy. But asking somebody one of my greatest weaknesses, whoo. That's hard. That's hard. Now, how do you do that? You do it, you just do it, you ask somebody or you can ask three friends, that you could say, look, I want to work on something, I want to be a better friend, I want to be a better parent, I want to be a better partner. Tell me something that I can work on and improve. Now, again, it's hard, it takes a lot of balls, it takes confidence. But if you really want to be self-aware, you want to know how you can improve the way you are relative to how other people are reacting. Ask them. And again, this is not about being compassionate, so that other people love you more or that you are a good person because you're going to make somebody else the showcase. This is about being the kind of person and understanding who you are and how you show up and having control over that. But yes, it also winds up helping other people to appreciate to fall in support in that lane for you.
So, number one, make every conversation 50/50. Number two, actively listen, number three, thank people when they say or do something you appreciate. And number four, seek real feedback. I hope this has been insightful for you. I hope that it's made you think about do you really know who you are. Do you really know who you want to be? Not just in your head, but in other people's too. So, thank you for tuning in. We'll talk soon again.
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
