Ep 45- 57 and Kinda Fat!
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to be, welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. Let's get to it.
Everyone who knows me personally, maybe just even online know, I work hard, really hard. Now, I'm not a bricklayer, it's not like physical labor, per se. But I do work, ridiculous number of hours, including the weekends, because here it is Saturday, it's actually beautiful outside and I'm recording podcasts. But largely, it's because I love what I do. Largely, it's because I get a real satisfaction from not only making money, but really helping people in a way that is very, very visual/visible, whether it's through likes and shares, but also people write me all the time, they come back in my life, after 10 years, they saw me speak and later say, you know, you had such a profound impact on me, whatever it might be. So, I get a lot of kudos consistently. And that really is very motivating.
So needless to say, I'm happy to work that hard, but that's who I am. I've always been even in jobs that I hated. And I would say, you know, this is the first year I'm admitting to you can't see my face on screen, of course, but I'm admitting to you that I haven't taken real vacations in a long time. So, I said this year, I'm going to take at least two real vacations. And I've done that already. It's mid-year, and I've already accomplished that, which is great. Of course, the first vacation I got COVID during so you know, maybe I should do a make-up one. But you know, there is this intensity about who I am and what I do, I can't deny that.
Now, I'll also not deny to you that I'm 57 years old. I'm not a young chicken, I'm not skinny, never have been, you know, I've got my share of all kinds of moles and bumps and lumps and all that. And here I am, this time last year and I get a call from L’Oréal. In fact, the largest division of L’Oréal, It Cosmetics, asking if I would be interested in being a spokesperson. And my reaction was really? You sure? You sure? Do you remember who you're talking to? Now, truth is we've been talking for four years they had come to they had found me on the internet, and I invited them to come hear me speak. And this was in 2018, I think. And we had a nice conversation, but I never expected anything to go anywhere. It was kind of one of those well, maybe the last week to write an article, maybe they'll ask me to do a podcast, I don't know. And we stayed in very loose touch. I mean, like maybe once or twice a year or an email, hey, just checking in hope everything's good here's some information you might like. And so, when they called last year, and they were like, we're really interested in having you be a spokesperson. I don't even know how to describe what was going on in my head because I didn't believe it. And it wasn't so much Imposter Syndrome anyway. And I and I have to be very deliberate here because I'm so sick of people labeling everything Impostor Syndrome. You know, my niece, she's 23 years old. She just got a new job. She's starting it next week. We're sitting on the beach actually talking about it. And she says, I have Impostor Syndrome. I'm like, what do you mean? She goes I'm really nervous about starting this new job. I said, why? She said because I don't know the people, I don't know their processes. I said do you think you can do the job? She's like, oh, yeah, I'm like you don’t have Impostor Syndrome girlfriend. You just are nervous about new unknown. What's common in everything be that's normal. So, my own situation a year ago was not Impostor Syndrome. I never doubted that I wouldn't be a great spokesperson. I was just surprised as hell. They would ask somebody like me to be the spokesperson for a ginormous cosmetics company. It's just not something they normally do.
But was I happy? Oh damn yeah. Was excited as hell and honored. Oh, yes. And of all the companies in the world. It cosmetics for their heritage and their whole embracement of confidence for them to say that they wanted somebody like me with depth with science and research, and with a sense of humor. I thought, man, we are changing the world together. So yeah, really, really excited. But let me tell you a little bit about the journey. Because in hindsight, there was a lot of things that I think are really important moments relative to this conference conversation that I know as I've talked to my own team, they keep saying, tell the podcast audience, tell your tell your fans and friends.
And so here we go, you know, the first thing I did after we kind of did the plan, and we started working on all the strategies is we went, I went down to New York City, they have a studio there, and we were filming about 20 videos, some of them have already been released. By the time you're listening to this hopefully you've seen a few. We'll certainly put the links in the show notes here. And going to New York, I was all excited. They told me not to bring anything because they had a full glam squad. I didn't have any idea what that really meant till I got there. And there were like 20 some odd people literally taken care of me. A jewelry person, a wardrobe person, makeup, hair, there was producers, there was lighting, guys, audio people, everyone there trying to make me look and sound great. And here I was sitting in the middle of it all in this white leather chair. And many, many times during that two day shoot, I was like, wow, this is awesome. This is me. Look what's happening to me. Oh, my goodness.
Now for those of you know, L’Oréal, you may know that their tagline forever has been because you're worth it. And I was sitting in that white chair, and I never said to myself, you're worth it. I said you've earned it. Because I worked, like I said really hard for a really long time for 30 plus years, at least, not including, all that school stuff that we all do. But here I was in that white chair like a princess being tended to and if there was a piece of dust on my shirt, somebody was there wiping it off. If there was a hair out of place somebody was calming it down. It was amazing. I highly recommend having a glam squad. But that moment of is this really happening? And is it really happening to me, instead of turning it on that impostor syndrome, garbage. It was more of that, wow, this is awesome. And make sure you take that moment to appreciate it, Dver because not everyone gets to do this. And I may never get to do it again. But right now, I'm gonna suck up all this air and keep it inside as long as I can.
Now I got to go down again a month later to present to all the luxury brands. So not just it, but their sister brands in the L’Oréal portfolio. And again, had that moment of oh, no, this is a big thing, lots on the line, you know, 300-400 people in and I was presenting and that, you know, representing the launch of this big campaign, Confidence at Work. And they trusted me to do it. And I could have totally lost my poop over it. But again, made that decision that I knew I could do it, that I had earned it. But more importantly, that they were trusting me to bring it in. And the presentation I admit, I often when I come back from a presentation, my husband Jeff says to me, you know, how did it go? And I'll say a scale of one to 10 it was the seven. And he's like what was missing. What could you have done better? And we always do a debrief like that. This one I came home. He said how was it? I said it was an 11. Anyone who's a spinal tap fan, don't fall off your chair. It was an 11. And there was a flow, a level of flow that I had never experienced. I always get into flow when I'm present. It's like the world literally stops and I got it by its tail. And it's awesome. But this one was just a whole different level. I was so in the lane, connecting with the audience, feeling comfortable. I could have been there for hours and hours. But I again came in even early on my time because I just had that sense of absolute confidence, coolness and control. I call my friend who's an expert in this space. Miss Aidan Miller, if you haven't heard that podcast, definitely check it out. She's amazing. And I said, Aidan, we got to decompose this, like what was it? That got me in that space because I want to be there again. And I think I think Aidan also feels this way is that when you have that moment of gratitude, self-compassion that I have worked really hard to be here and I deserve this as much if not more than anyone and you're prepared and you show up with your best intention to serve the people that have asked you to deliver, why wouldn't you be in flow? Why wouldn't you be in the best of all possible states?
So, I want to give you a couple of takeaways on this, not so much to dos, but takeaways that I want you to embrace and think about for your own lives. Because if I can do it, being 57, kind of fat. Anyone can. We'll be right back.
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All right, here we go. Some takeaways from my own experience of the L’Oréal It Cosmetics journey. And there's three that I'm going to put in your brain. And you know, when I do presentations, I talk about mind shifts. These are kind of mind shifts as well, but they're very specific to this kind of experience where the stakes are high, you really are having that moment of self-doubt. And the first thing I want you to recognize is if you feel in your heart in your belly, that you are competent, that you can do what you're being asked to do that you need to do that you want to do a presentation, a project, a competition, whatever it is that you're like, I am as good as anyone else. And I can get this done. If you really feel that, then it is not Impostor Syndrome. It is not and don't let it be. Don't let anyone else tell you that you're not as good as you think you are. You are.
Now the flipside of that's true as well. Don't be overconfident and cocky and obnoxious without good reason to say you know what, I have worked really hard to do this thing. I am as prepared as I can be. And I am really psyched to do this thing. If you are in that space, that's not impostor syndrome. So, knock it off. What it is that you're about to do something that's new, that's different, that's important. And those are good things, use that energy, use that positive what we call peak anxiety, to fuel your adrenaline, to fuel your presence. And that is what gets you into that state of hyper flow.
Number two, the second takeaway, something new, that makes your nervous system that makes that amygdala go off and ring is good. It's good. It's a way for your brain and your body saying, hey, slow down a minute. This isn't routine, this isn't the way things were yesterday, or what you've done in the past. So, pay attention and adjust accordingly. If you think you're going to give another presentation for the 150th time and you don't do the research on the audience, you don't think about how this one could be a little bit different and prepare yourself shame on you. How many presenters do that? If you walk into a meeting, saying yourself I've done 100 meetings already this month? Why is this one any different? And you don't really think about it, let alone do any preparation for it. Shame on you. So yes, new causes amygdala moments to scream at us saying, pay attention, there's something different happening, or about to happen. And you need to know a little bit more than what you've done in the past. Or at least see if there's a little bit more to know than a little bit in the past. So new is not bad. New is good. It's a signal your amygdala screaming at you pay attention.
Now the third one, I'm taking a pregnant moment here, Ben do not edit this space out because I really want people to embrace this idea. That if there is no will, there is no way. If you really don't want to do something. I would go so far to say that it may not be possible. But the converse is also true. The converse is this that? Well, I don't think everything is possible. You have to be abled in some way. In other words, have maybe time money, energy, contacts, connections, whatever. Many, many things are possible in our own respective lives. And so, if there is a true will, if it's something that you really want something that you have thought about, to the point where you say, this is why I want it, that I am willing to work for it that I'm willing to put in the time to figure out how to get it done. Again, I'm not sure that everything is but if there is a will, there is most likely away. So, if you're not feeling confident in that moment, again, you're asked to do something, and you're freaking out, because you're like, I can't do that presentation. I can't do that project. I can't go to that meeting. I can't, whatever it is, check in with yourself, is it because it's new? And you're worried that you just don't have enough information about what to do differently? Or what to do in general? Because it's just new and foreign to you? Or is it something you really don't want to do? And if you don't want to do it, be honest with yourself, why?
At the core of not wanting to do something, maybe it doesn't align with my values. I don't want to do that thing. I don't want to go to that concert. I don't want to hang out with those people. I don't like them. Okay, don't do it. But if I don't want to do something, because I'm afraid that I'm going to fail, or that people aren't going to like me, because I'm don't know what I'm doing. Be honest with yourself. When you figure out that fear, that's the moment you can deal with it. That's the moment you can deal with it. Now everything we do at the Institute has to do with dealing with that fear. So, I'm not going to get longer on this podcast suffice to say, back to the original premise here, 57, kind of fat, sort of famous, you can be too.
So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website, www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others and you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered, or ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.