Ep 40: I’d Rather Drink Poison than be Popular
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to be, welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver. And I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
Maybe an obvious statement that popularity brings pressure. That may be very obvious to you, it certainly was obvious to me when I was thinking about this topic of what are the ramifications of being popular, and how does it play in the brain and subsequently in our behavior, both as somebody who is popular and somebody who's not. And so, the pressure of popularity, right, you have to look a certain way, you want to act a certain way. You want to do things, not do things in a certain way so that other people like you, so that they see you as someone that they value that they want to hang out with that they want to be like. That's a lot of pressure on the person that is being the role model, if you will, or being the celebrity, it's a lot of pressure, a lot of time and energy has to go into that process to represent that person to be liked.
Now, of course, the popularity seems to come with a lot of rewards, things like maybe you're going to win a prize, you're going to win homecoming queen or king or something like that. Or maybe you're running for student council, or even you know, public office for that matter. Does it affect your role in an organization accompany a job of course, of course, we'd be naive to think that popular people don't get oftentimes better opportunities, more friends, more connections. And connections is a magical word here, right? Because when you have connections, not only does it feed your sense of belonging, and that's a really good thing for confidence, of course, the key. But connections when you have an issue, and you're like ooh, who can I call with that? I often go through my mental Rolodex; I'm having an issue with emails right now. Who do I know who can help me with that? My emails are not working properly. Who do I know that an email expert or could find somebody for me, or my sister's cat escaped the house the other day, and I don't have cats. Never did. So, I was like, who do I know that's really smart and has cats and might have had this issue before. So having connections having a big network, if that's really the way to look at popularity in one lens, I think can be very rewarding.
So, I'm not against being popular. I'm against looking at popularity as a lover particularly to confidence. So, it may be also completely obvious to you that when we use the word popularity, we often think of it as something superficial. That somebody likes you because of the way you look or dress, or, or talk or the title that you hold. And that superficiality kind of wrinkles, our nose, right, it raises our shackles to say we don't want to be attracted to that superficiality, but we are whether we like it or not, it is an attractive thing. And at the same time, I bet you're saying yourself you don't want to be like that either. I don't. I don't, but we do all put on a lot of superficial airs whether we realize it or not right? We dress accordingly, we put on makeup or brush our hair or groom ourselves in a way accordingly so that we are likeable enough at least to not be kicked out of an organization. You know, I was on a ferry recently when I was in Greece and there was a gentleman who must have been probably, I'm gonna guess mid 60s had on kind of like a shaman outfit, if you will. Very long white tunic and white pants and then had very long dreadlocks, gray, just did not look like everybody else- took a lot of confidence I would say to look like that but stood out and many people wouldn't be able to handle that. I could see everybody looking at this this person going moves that let's see about maybe even being a little nervous around them.
So, the superficiality about popularity about being and looking and doing things so that other people like you, even if they don't know you, that's bothersome, right. It's bothersome, but it's true. It's true. And this need to belong, I mentioned that before I dropped that belonging word that wonderful mez Latvian, in term of the need to belong, that we all have that need to fit in and need to be liked. The need to know that we matter to other people. That popularity, word is tied very closely to that, right, because the popularity is a reflection, she was back that we do belong, that we fit in that other people think that we're relevant. So, it's not necessarily superficial in its cognitive impact, but it is superficial in the way it manifests in our physicality, the way we dress the way we behave. But maybe not think about it so how shall I say don't think about it in a way that is so condescending, right, because whether you're seeking to be popular, or somebody else's seeking to be popular, there's an underlying need there to confirm that they are cool, that they're okay.
So, I look at being popular as that manifestation of a need to belong number one. But I also look at it as a really high bar, that we tend to set for ourselves and worse for other people, our children, our friends. And it takes so much effort not just to jump up to that bar, but actually, for us to maintain that level. Right. So doing your hair every day, putting on your makeup every day, shopping for the latest trends, reaching for the next job, continue to get promoted. Right, all of that takes a lot of energy, takes a lot of effort, a lot of cognitive resource there. And when I said that being popular really is a way to confirm if you belong, are there other ways that you can confirm that you belong? Yeah, of course, there are. For example, going and asking your manager, can I get some feedback? Or maybe some other people around you that you work with, can I get some feedback? Maybe it is a matter of looking and saying I'm not wearing this particular thing? Because it's cool. I'm wearing it because I really like it. So, can you look at some of the behaviors, some of the things that you're putting all this energy into that you know, in your heart in your head, that they're kind of like a drag, right? Like, oh, I gotta do my hair this morning. Got to straighten it gotta straighten, I gotta blow it out, and save yourself? Why am I really doing this? Is it because I really liked the way I look? Okay, I'm gonna do it because I want to do it or is it because that's what you think is expected. That's what it's going to take to be popular.
So, I invite you to kind of be more mindful of those moments where you're doing things for, and you know that you're not happy doing it. You know that it's causing you angst. It's causing you energy that you don't want to spend, and say to yourself, why am I doing this? Is it because I want to feel like I belong? And is there another way that I can go about confirming that? How many likes, how many shares of a podcast for that matter, do not indicate if you're popular popularity. Again, that definition feels kind of squirmy superficial. Maybe it's the people that come to me in email, or I see them at a talk or something that said, Boy, I listened to your podcast, and I had this really transformative effect on me. I had a woman call me up not too long ago and tell me exactly that, that she had been really traumatized in a job and subsequently listening to one of the podcasts, helped her get out of that funk, and go find her dream job and she was so happy she had to call me.
So maybe I don't have a million downloads, but that one person that changed your life. Yeah, that confirmed for me that I belong, that I matter. Now, I wish I wish I knew this a long time ago and the big question of the universe is why don't we teach this to our children? Why don't we learn this until we're so old? Why don't we realize that popularity is a little overrated, that it is something that we all strive to achieve in some way, shape or form. But in reality, the most confident people know better. I can't answer the why, but I can certainly answer how. So, when we come back from our little sponsor break, I'm gonna give you some tips on how to change this popularity monster because quite frankly, I'd rather drink poison and be popular these days. We'll be right back.
This podcast was sponsored by the American Confidence Institute. ACI trains smart, hardworking people how to use basic brain science to more effectively coach themselves and others. ACI is endorsed by top universities, the Strategic HR Management Association and International Coaching Federation. Learn more about ACI’s uniquely empowering keynotes, workshops, eclasses and coaching certification at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.
Alyssa Dver:
Alright, so I've already stated that, you know, we do a lot of things in the name of popularity. And I will say that, you know, social media is easy place to point out, you know, what to pose to, to like, what to share what pictures with captions, all that cognitive overhead that we use, in hopes that we're going to be popular that somebody else is going to like and share our stuff that we are going to have more followers, whatever it might be, there's metrics around popularity, and that is really, really sad to me. I don't think that anyone would disagree that it drives some pretty inane behavior, it makes us do some stupid things. And in order to get more likes, I'd love these services that always listen to me that they can get me 50,000 likes for 50 bucks, or whatever it is. I'm like, if I have to pay someone to like me, that is the ultimate shame. Like that is just ridiculous. And is it a game? Sure, it's a game, the more likes you have, the more other people are going to be tend to watch your stuff. So, you know, you sit there and go. What is the price of being popular? What is the price of being popular? And what's the price of putting out garbage that just people click on? And maybe get a little entertainment value, but nothing more than that? For some people that might be great. For me, that's death. I'd rather drink the poison. So, what can we do? Well, when we're in that moment, and again, you may not be able to catch yourself all the time. I certainly don't. But there are moments where I sit there and go, hmm, how can I make this thing whether it's an outfit or a social post or an email, or a text? How can I make it more likeable? How can I make it more interesting, more popular? And say to yourself, am I doing this for the sake of the person or people that I'm trying to send it to? And reach? Or are you doing it for myself? Am I self-serving? Or am I trying to serve my audience? And if the answer is clear, if you're honest with yourself, many of the times you will catch yourself saying I'm really doing this so that I can be more popular. And if you're okay with that, fine. Make that decision, make that choice that I am going to post this or do this because I know people are gonna think it's cool and like it. But if you're doing it in a way to say, people may not like this, this is my opinion, this is what I believe. But I do feel that other people who are in that same zone are going to appreciate this, whether it's a political view or religious view, a opinion about something or maybe an outfit that's outrageous.
You know, my one of our team members follows a influencer. She teaches a lot of things about kind of unconventional marketing and the woman that teaches it is where's the zaniest outfits. And I love them. I think they're fabulous. I'm sure some people will be like She's weird. You know, my habit of wearing little bit zany glass eyeglasses, I'm sure people some people find that weird. All right, whatever. But for the people who are into it, they're really going to do it. So, you know, that's who I am. That's it. That's the confidence screaming. And I think that that's really the benchmark for all of us is at the end of the day, are we doing things that respect our own values, needs and wants things that are important to us things that we feel define who we are and what we value? Are we doing it for the sake that somebody else is going to click like that's feeding our addiction to the need to belong. And if your goal in whatever you're doing posting, saying is to confirm that you are cool, I invite you to again, think about, are you doing that thing for that sole reason or are you compromising who you are, for that reason? That's kind of a heavy way of putting it. But at the end of the day, I think we know we have to be authentic and true to who we are. But at the same time, we also really want to know that we are not crazy that we're not weird that we're not total outliers. And if we choose to be outliers, if we choose to wear kooky outfits, kooky eyeglasses, to do crazy things, that we make that conscious decision, that that's okay, that's what we want to do. And if some people don't like it, so be it. So be it.
I started working on some new content the other day, and I thought, you know, I do really want to appreciate the people that like me. And I want to like you for listening to this podcast, even though I can't see you, may not even know who you are. I really want to appreciate that you took the time to do this. So, thank you. And in the same phrase, I want to appreciate the people that like me, I also want to liberate those that don't. Because we all have limited time, limited cognitive resources, limited everything. And so, for those of you who listened today, then don't listen again. And you know what, I'm okay with that. Because I live for that one phone, call that one email from somebody who says to me, boy, that podcast made a difference for my life. If it's you great and if it's not you, I hope you find the one that will.
So, thanks for those who listened. Thanks for being here with me today. We'll talk next time. So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website, www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others and you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered, or ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.
