Ep 36 My Biggest Mistake
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to be. Welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver. And I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. Let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
Whether you consider yourself a perfectionist, or not, nobody likes to make mistakes. Human nature, we just don't like to make mistakes, we don't want to deal with making a mistake. And we will not just avoid making mistake at all costs, we often will avoid accepting the mistake at all costs. So, think about this, you make a mistake could be a small thing wrong turn, maybe when you're driving, or a big mistake, marrying the wrong person, whatever it might be. And some people will literally never admit they make a mistake, right? Oh, no, it wasn't mistake, I intended to do that. And that's what it you know, I that was all my, my intention, and it's nothing wrong and, and in some cases get even really aggressive. So, think about this in my brain science, neuro nerd friends, you know, there they are reacting in a very brainstem K person kind of way, right? I did, I don't want to make I didn't make the mistake. I don't want to admit to it. Okay, that's one option. Then maybe another option is some people will say, well, it's just fate. I do that a lot myself, right. Just the way it was supposed to be. It was, you know, that's, that's the direction divine intervention, whatever. Other people, and again, I probably do this more than I'd like to admit but blame other people. You know, it wasn't my fault. It was your fault. I didn't say that, or you made me do that because you said something, or you did something.
So, I'm exaggerating, maybe a hair, but I have a feeling you know, all these scenarios, you know, you are somebody that you know, makes mistake, and they either deny it or try to justify it from some kind of outer force or from somebody else's fault. All right. But what is a mistake? Let's think about this. Let's break it down for a minute here. Because making a mistake, we're going to come back and talk about the ramifications and how we deal with it. And yes, I will share my biggest mistake. But let's get a little academic, as I often enjoy doing. I hope you enjoy participating in that a mistake could be something that you actually meant to do. But knowing that it possibly could have a bad outcome and it turns left on you. All right. All right, maybe. Or maybe it's something that you didn't mean to do. And you are surprised by the outcome. Fair enough. If I really stretch the definition a little bit, it could be something that you did, you had a good outcome, but then other people came back and said, that was dumb. And now you consider it to be a mistake. So, you didn't expect their reaction, you didn't expect that backlash, even if you did something with full intention, got the full expected outcome. And then you get this kind of like, what were you thinking? Now, of course, the ultimate mistake is doing something with or without full intention and getting physically or emotionally hurt. We certainly know that that is really the mother of all and we don't want to go there. But that's the whole premise here is that if you go into something, you go do something. Maybe you apply for a job, and you take a job that looks great. And you get into the company and then you realize that this is a toxic culture. Okay, that was not something intentional. That was something unexpected result, but you know, doing something that you deliberately get kind of penalized that you get scolded for. That's what we're really trying to avoid at all costs, right.
So, if you think about all those different possible ways of looking at a mistake, what you hear what you see is that it's not so much what you did or didn't do for that matter. But it's a matter of whether or not you anticipated the result. Right? So, the mistake itself only happens after the fact, it only happens when you either look back and go, boy, that was stupid or somebody else tells you boy, that was stupid. Or you there's some kind of an outcome that is totally unexpected. And you're like, Ooh, I didn't expect that. So, some silly examples just to kind of nail this home. We have this running joke in my family because when we go to a restaurant, I am always tempted and often do order the weirdest combination of whatever's on the menu, and I say combination at some dish that is just wackadoodle not it's like all kinds of things you never think to put together. I just am interested in exploring new flavor composition and, and consistencies. So, I often hunt for that one thing on the menu that looks the most exotic and order it. And many times, I won't say most times, but many times, it's horrible, or I don't like it, and the family is constantly teasing me because when I do that, then you know, they will feel guilty that they have to offer me some of their food. So, they begged me, either not to order that exotic thing or order in many cases for me so that I don't do it. So, is that a mistake? You know, I always laugh because it's not a mistake, I'm excited and trying to try new things. And you know, the outcome of it, the expected outcome is that it's going to be interesting and lovely, I'm going to have a fun meal, and everybody else is going to be maybe a little jealous that I have something that's really different and yummy. But more often, it is not so yummy, jealous and envy provoking. So is it a mistake. That's someone that's scarring, not when that scarring, and I do it again, and again. So clearly, I don't learn.
But I would say that there are other, you know, levels of categories and mistakes that are scarring, right, I mentioned taking a bad job and ending up in a toxic environment. That can be extremely, extremely traumatic. And that might be that kind of mistake that you can't even shake the rest of your life, right, we have people who go into a job all excited and then not only realized that the environments so toxic, but that they're asked to leave, because they can't adjust to the toxicity or won't accept the toxicity. So that kind of, quote mistake, again, an unexpected outcome. Really, you know, it's one of those things that you may never want to apply for another job again, and or be really gun shy about doing so maybe you're in an environment that doesn't have a psychologically safe environment. So, you don't want to talk up, you don't want to speak up, you don't want to make that kind of mistake of having some ramification because you either expected or you don't know what to expect. So, there's all different types of mistakes. Needless to say, there's all different types of levels of mistakes and things that may or may not stick with you.
But I would say that any kind of mistake, all kinds of mistakes, again, aren't really about what you did or didn't do. It's about the anticipated result, and maybe more relevant is what you do with that result. Now I've quoted a few times, I don't want to sound like a redundant broken record, but you know, Thomas Edison, I didn't fail 10,000 times I only found 10,000 ways it didn't work. My brother in law, I think I've also quoted he's a sales guy says, you know, you have to kiss nine frogs to find the 10th prince kind of thing. I think they all have the same basic theme, which is there is a reality that in many cases, and many things that we do in life, you have to do them over and over again, making mistakes so that you can learn and grow from those mistakes. And if you embrace those, “failures”, those mistakes as getting closer to success, not only does it shift your mindset, but it makes those mistakes less personal, it makes it less about you as a person that sucks or didn't do the right thing. It makes it about you giving something a try, a good intentional try, and then finding out what the possible outcomes could be. So, a mistake is only really a mistake if you allow the outcome to drive your behavior to drive your behavior. So, I'm going to take a quick break here and when we come back, not only am I going to share my biggest mistake, but as usual, I'm going to give some tips to how to handle your own big mistakes. We'll be right back
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Thank you for sticking with me here as we're talking about making mistakes and how to recover from them how to deal with them. And I mentioned that a mistake really isn't about what you did or didn't do, it's, it's more about the result and how you handle that result. And you cannot always anticipate the kind of results. So going into something trying something new, whether it's a new menu item, or a new relationship or a new job, going in with the comfort to know that it might not work out the way you anticipate or hoped for, but that you are prepared to deal with it in a way that is not damaging, destructive, devastating. So, think about this, when we go to do something, particularly something that's new, something that we don't know, what could happen, you know, again, a new job, a new relationship, even if you've been in a relationship or had a job in the past, the variables are change. So, you say to yourself, I hope this really works out, this is gonna be as good as I think or want it to be. And we worry about that expectation that outcome not happening. And so, our amygdala, our beautiful little arms systems in our brains, is kind of looking for that opportunity to say I told you so. You know, it's that inner critic that says, See, you shouldn't have done that you shouldn't have ordered that thing on that menu again. And when we allow that inner critic, that amygdala moment, to control how we think and how we're going to subsequently behave, that draws us into our brainstem makes us act a little like primordial cave people, we get defensive, it's not a mistake. Or it's not my fault, we get defensive, right? That's all brainstem talking to us. And that's because we worry about the fear of failure, the fear of regret of doing something or not doing something that we “should have” or should have known better. How about that person who says, I told you so? That triggers the amygdala. And you know that when the amygdala triggers like that, and you allow it to drive you down into your brainstem and get defensive, this is a little not a micro regret regression, per se, but it's a micro reaction that gets drilled into your brain that literally wires into that fear fight type of thing. And you next time are hesitant, because you have that precedent, because you don't want to feel that again, you don't want somebody else to tell you I told you so.
All right. So, what are we going to do about it? Well, I promise to share my biggest mistakes just to give it a little bit more framing as I want to give you some tips on how to avoid mistakes in general. But you know, mistakes could be any kind like for example, are there prior boyfriends or hookups, breakups even that I've had in the past that I regret that I feel like were mistakes? Yeah, of course, mistakes in that, you know, the next morning, you're like, what was I thinking? Or in the case of some of the breakups, I was very mean, I was very unfair to some of those people that I dated. And so, a couple years ago, I want to say maybe 10 years ago or more, I found a few of them that I remember very clearly that I was not in my best form, and I actually apologized, it was like 20-30 years later, I apologized. I said you know what, I was a bonehead teenager I am sorry, I really have been thinking about this for you know, 20-30 years and I just want to let you know that I'm sorry. A little selfish to be honest with you because it cleared my conscious. I think in some respects for the other person, one of them was actually very grateful and the other one was very angry. You know, why would you do this down? So, a topic for another show but needless to say relationships, yeah, maybe some big mistakes in there. Certainly, tried to clean up ones that I can recall being regretful if you will. Other things I was thinking as I putting this podcast together, I was like you know what, I used to live in the south of France beautiful right on the Riviera. Cote d’Azur, so for those of you who know your geography down in on Teva right near Cannes and nice and the roads there are extremely narrow especially when you go up into the mountains and I was doing a lot of work at one of the club meds there actually and the road home between there in my apartment was like one of those that you see in a movie, you know, totally twisty turny, no lights. And I certainly had drank more than I should in general and then drove, and I was 24 years old. It's a miracle. I'm alive. Honest to God. So, was that a mistake? Yeah, again, the outcome? Not so bad. I'm still here talking to you. But looking back, that was pretty stupid, actually was extraordinarily stupid. You know, I did have a little bit of a crazy teenage life, I did some things that in hindsight, if my kids did, I would fill out. I'm sure I disappointed some people in that, but in reality, I don't know. I don't think there's too many things in my background that I would say that was really asinine.
I will say that I've had a lot of friends over the time of my life so far. And I’m often disappointed by those people, they either don't do something they don't say something. Or in some cases, they ask all the time for things, they are constantly asking me to do things for them. And it often takes me a little too long to basically call them out on it. Right. And when I finally do, and I'm like, you know, I don't have time for this, I don't have an interest in this kind of relationship. It's one way, you know, liberating myself from those people. It feels good, but I also feel a little guilty. But at the same time, if I look back, I probably should have done it sooner. I let things get a little too far down the path before I said to the person, you know what, this isn't working for me. I don't want to waste time in life. It's like you know, the old saying life's too short to drink crappy beer. Life's too short to have people who suck your blood or suck your brain, suck your energy, suck your time. So yeah, all mistakes. But I think in every one of those scenarios, and all the other ones that I kind of conjured up, when I was preparing for this, that I've learned from them, that I didn't just let them go and beat myself up and say, you suck Dver, like you, what are you thinking? But it was more that I really analyzed and thought about how would I avoid them in the going forward and or adjust my behavior?
You know, I go back to my silly example, with the menu. I know what the outcome is likely, either I'm gonna love it, or I'm not gonna like it. And then I say, you know, what's the worst case that I order something else, or that I pick around the stuff I don't like? I mean it again, you know, and you make those decisions about if you're going to repeat the behavior or repeat it in some different way. So, learning from a bad relationship, a bad job, you go into the next interview, you know, what to ask or what to look for. But you can only do that if you accept the mistake, as learning experience, right? If you're denying it, if you're throwing somebody else under the bus, and you're saying it never happened, or the world wanted me to do it that way, you're not learning, you're not taking the opportunity to make yourself a little bit smarter and better next time around.
So, if we say the biggest mistakes are the things that we learned from, and we, I'm sorry, the biggest mistakes are the things that we don't learn from. And we repeat, that's the mistake. That's the dumb thing, but a mistake doesn't have to be a negative thing. Like I said, it can be something that we really grow from. So, some tips. So, I think if you are about to do something, it could be as small as picking out something to wear tomorrow. Or if you're going to apply for a new job or you're going into a new relationship or ending a relationship or whatever is that thing, that thing that you want to do. I always categorize behavior as act, react, or interact. And you're worried your amygdala is shaking a little bit telling you might fail, this may not be so great, you may not get the outcome that you expect. I want you to ask yourself, two things. First is do you have enough information at that moment? To make a good decision whether you should go no go? And perfection is you got to put it aside and never gonna have all the information, but you have enough is there some more data some more questions you can ask? So that you go okay, the likelihood of a positive outcome. A positive being what you want, is higher, then the likelihood of something happening that you don't want, right? That this truest confidence level in the mathematical sense, but rather than calculated is do a gut check, do an amygdala check if your amygdala is screaming, screaming you don't know enough, this is not doesn't feel good. Oh my god, we're gonna fail, slow down and think What else can I have in my basket of knowledge here? And go get it? And really consider to yourself, what is it that you're afraid of? What is it? That could happen. If I order on the wrong menu thing my family could make fun of me, I might be hungry, I might have to order another dish. Okay, none of those are so bad. If I take the wrong job, and this is another toxic environment, did I ask enough questions to make sure that it's probably not? Okay. Yes, I did. But it still could be. And if it's toxic, what's the ramification? I could just deal with it; I can get another job. I'm more prepared to deal with it.
And so, kind of self-coach yourself in a way that you would to somebody else? Like what's the worst that could happen? But also, be realistic? Like, what really is freaking you out? What's the likelihood of failing? And why are you nervous about that? And what could you do about it? To not just mitigate it, but if it happens, what are you going to do next? When you really see the problem, when you see that fear, you're staring in the face objectively, it's so much easier. It's so much easier to brainstorm how to overcome it. So don't be afraid of your fear. Go at it, what am I afraid of failing? What am I afraid of the regret? Who's going to tell me I told you so and be like, you know, I can deal with those things.
Alright, so that's kind of taken on that. What happens if you're worried about making a mistake? Well, let's talk about then what happens if you do make a mistake, something comes turns out the way you didn't expect or didn't want. And now the task is to not let it traumatize you in a way that prevents you from trying it again in the future. Because again, if you don't do it in the future, you're never going to learn and grow and succeed. So, tail between your legs, maybe for now, but we got to get back on that horse, mixing metaphors here. So, consider why you felt confident to begin with. What was that you went into that job interview, you took the job, you ordered the menu item, you go into the relationship, whatever it is, well go back and rewind them a moment and double check if you had enough information subsequently that next time that scenario comes up, what other information would you like to have? What kind of questions do you want to have answers to? Right? Use that as kind of like that parenting moment or that self-coaching moment? To say to yourself, hmm, what could I have done differently without beating yourself up. Because again, you didn't know at the time you've learned. You have more information now. So subsequently, how are you going to do better next time? And tell yourself Hmm, that didn't work out the way I hoped. Do you even want to do it again, you want to try it again? Do you want to go into another relationship, another job order from the craziest thing on the menu? Do you want to do it again? And if not be okay with that. Not gonna do that. Again, it didn't feel good, I don't want to do again. Or if you do want to do it again, which it makes most cases you probably have to find another job. Or maybe you really need to be in another relationship, whatever it might be. Be okay, with the possibility you might screw it up again. Be okay with the fact that making mistakes is not just human. But it's necessary. That that is the secret to not only quote succeeding, as they say, but you're feeding your confidence because the more times you fail, the more times you know what not to do. So, I look at mistakes very differently now than I did when I was younger. And I only know now, I want to share this so stop what you're doing and listen. Because I know now that the only mistake is not trying again, because you're afraid to make a mistake. That's the mistake. The mistake isn't doing something that you regret. The mistake isn't doing something that somebody comes back and scold you for. The mistake is letting that stop you from trying again, to do something you really value to do something that you really want, or to do something that you really feel that you need. Because when you do that, you violate your own confidence. And that's the mistake. So, my friends I'm gonna leave you on that note that the only mistake is not trying to do something that you really value need or want because you're afraid that you might make a mistake. Thanks for tuning in.
So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website www dot American confidence institute.com forward slash podcast I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others. And you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered are ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.
