Ep 34: Real Confidence- Confidence in the Face of Change

September 18, 2022

Big changes, small changes. Changes that you want and make, changes you don’t want, that happen to you. Changes that excite you, changes that turn your world upside down. Changes of heart, of scenery, of pace.

What do they all have in common? The ability to derail our confidence.

What? Yes. I’m saying confidence gets at least a little shaken anytime you sense a change - for better or worse. You take a new dream job, move to a fav city, find your ideal mate - these are positive, desired changes, versus undesired, less controllable ones like a work re-org, losing a loved one or learning how to operate in a post-pandemic world.

No matter what flavor of change is being served up, your brain is still wired to crave certainty. It prefers situations that are predictable, that it can count on. To your brain, what is familiar feels safe and anything new, no matter how progressive, will be perceived as a potential threat to your ego or wellbeing.

So how can we hold onto our confidence when we decide to take on something new or life takes an unwelcome turn?

I’m glad you asked.

In this episode of Real Confidence I’m going to walk you through the 5Cs of Confidence that we use at the Institute in our Self-Coaching class and Confidence Coach certification program. They’re not hard to learn and they’re the easiest way I know to move through changes with our confidence intact.

Episode Transcript

Ep 34: Confidence in the Face of Change

If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to be. Welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alisa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. Let's get to it.

Alyssa Dver
Here we are talking about something that wakes people out on all different levels, perhaps every day, and that is the big C word change, change. Why does it rocker confidence? Well, change can come in all different flavors, and it can come from left and right fields, let's say there's an organizational change, or you get laid off for that matter or fired and that certainly is a change. There could be simple changes, like maybe a change in the way that you have to go to work due to a detour or change in the seasons for that matter.

Big changes, huge changes things like getting married buying a house. You know, there's all kinds of levels of changes, too. So, there's, you know, this question of does all change rock us? Of course, it depends. All depends, it depends on who you are, depends on the change depends on your situation may be if you're not feeling so great, you know, you are suffering from a cold, for example, or COVID, God forbid, right? A change that comes in all of a sudden can really be overwhelming, right? Because you've got a lot already that you're dealing with. But at the same time, there may be opportunities and reasons that you're excited about change that there's a situation that you're not happy about and the change is really something welcoming, but I would say almost across the board, no matter the kind of change positive, negative, big or small it has an opportunity to derail your confidence a bit. And I want to break that down into some of the reasons why and of course, towards the end of the pod, we're going to give you some ways to really deal with change in a productive way confidently.

So, why is changed so uncomfortable? Why does it rock our confidence? I'm gonna give you a couple of maybe somewhat obvious reasons, but let's talk about them, of course, do some brain science lenses. Now, first and foremost, you're breaking patterns, right? You're changing something that you do, or you think, or you believe, in that moment of change. And just definitionally speaking, right, the neuronal pathways are getting rerouted, they're getting changed, they're getting disrupted, so it may literally feel uncomfortable. It also may feel very uncertain, right? It's like going to a new place or a new direction, new way, and not exactly knowing you might even have a GPS, but it's still a little unnerving. And I laugh sometimes, because whenever I go to a new place, and I asked other people, it seems to be common, it seems like it takes a lot longer than it really does, because you're so uncertain. And you're trying to take all the information, not 90 in the milestones, looking for different ways to kind of cue you next time. And then you come back even that same day. And you go the same way, but the other way in reverse. And it is you're like, wow, it looks about so much longer on the way there.

And so, you that change that new planting of neurons, and really kind of rerouting all the stuff that's already deep rutted it in your brain that takes a lot of energy, it takes a lot of focus. And of course, it's a little unnerving, because they're new, they're just new, you also have to give credit to your brain because whenever something happens, that's new or different, it goes into all kinds of calculations and tries to figure out what could happen, might happen, as well as the dependencies. You know, if I do this, what could happen or if I do this, what other things will be impacted? So, for example, if I move physically move from one house to the next, what's going to happen who you know, what am I going to impact with that decision? And you know, I'm using the word moving because I'm still scarred myself. My mother just moved recently from Sarasota, Florida, up to the Massachusetts area where I live, and people are saying what it's a little backwards, but you know what she really wanted to be near her family and in an environment that just felt a little bit more aligned with who she was.

So needless to say, she moved up here and trauma is an understatement because not only all her belongings had had to be kind of gone through and whittle down because the species coming up here is much smaller. So, all of that was hugely traumatic. But finding new doctors, finding new friends, teaching her all the new roads and how to get around and even just little things that would really rock her world. She's like, do I need a pass on my car? And, you know, where do I get my groceries and all kinds of things that were new. And of course, in a young brain that may seem exciting, but to an older person, it is beyond traumatic, I don't know even what the word would be. But it is really can be over overwhelming in a really negative way. And to keep her from jumping over that ledge literally was a challenge. It was that you know, take one day at a time, and we'll help you and we'll take you to the supermarket a few times, and yada yada but still, you know that exhaustion, that she was feeling I was watching it and it literally was cognitive outage, you know, then early in the day, even just deciding where to hang certain pictures would kind of put her in that place of I can't do anything more cognitively during the day. And this is a woman who not only was the epitome of a Manhattanite, but still to this day does the New York Times puzzle every morning. So, it's not your lack of intelligence or lack of ability, it just literally, the new pathways are just taking its toll. So, you know, the dependencies that your brain starts to correlate, don't underestimate the fact that even though you don't think you're thinking, your brain is doing a lot of that, and that may be wild, that change is so hard and exhausting.

Now, the biggie, which is always the one that gives us the confidence run for our money, is that we're afraid of failing. We're afraid of failing in some way, we're afraid that if we make this change, it won't be good. You know, as many data points as we have that say this is the right thing to do. That change can be scary, of course. And so, the fear of failure is really, really at its peak. And, of course, the pseudonym for failure in the vocabulary of confidence is the fear of rejection. Right? We're afraid that if we do this, people are gonna look down on us and think that we're a failure that it can consider us a loser. I remember when I was leaving corporate work as the Chief Marketing Officer for a couple of tech companies, and then I started my own business. And that in of itself, when I first did, it wasn't a big change, right? It was like, oh, yeah, you're very entrepreneurial, we can see that. And I actually started a marketing company, so it wasn't a huge leap. But when I decided to start the confidence Institute, man, oh, man, did I get hairy eyeball from every person I met, you're going to start a business about what you're going to do what? You're going to start a business about confidence, like how do you make money? Like all those questions, and as a entrepreneur, you know, you've got a lot of questions anyway. But layered on top of that was those doubting people, people that I cared and loved and respected.

Now, you know, hindsight, I will admit to you that I was questioning it myself, of course. But I'll also admit to you now, with all the accomplishment of the Institute, you know, my spokesperson role at L’Oréal, through IT cosmetics all the ways that has been confirmed that I'm not crazy, feels really, really good. So, you know, change again, scary, maybe not necessarily know the outcome. But next time I go to make a big change, I take all that beautiful, confidence collection with me of the accomplishments that I have made. So that's a good thing. So, speaking of taking things with you to make change easier, we're going to take a little break, give our sponsor some love. And we'll come back I'm going to give you the five C's of confidence. How to build confidence, particularly in this area of change. We'll be right back.

This podcast was sponsored by IT cosmetics and makeup and skincare company committed to helping all women be their confident best. It Cosmetics campaign, Confidence at Work, provides free brain science based resources, including educational articles and videos developed together with the American Confidence Institute. It Cosmetics also partners with Kiva, an international nonprofit that directly empowers underserved female entrepreneurs. Please learn more at itcosmetics.com/confidenceatwork.

Alyssa Dver:
All right, we are back, and I want to come back to this topic of change because again, it is something that we live with each and everyday change of seasons in New England I know even that throws us into total tizzy fits not just changing our closets, but like the whole difference in sunshine in and how we maneuver our days, it could be anything really, it could be anything, change a brand of toothpaste for that matter. But there are some nice steps here that we use in our coaching. And I want to share them with you in terms of how to tackle a change whatever it'd be, again, big or small. And I sometimes feel a little guilty doing this in a podcast format, because it really helps to have a conversation with somebody about these things. So, I'm going to encourage you to take some notes to think about this, but also then find somebody that can be a thought partner, it doesn't have to be a formal coach if you do want. And of course, we've got some amazing coaches through the Institute. But at the same time, this is designed for you to self-coach, and perhaps use even a partner or friend, as a sounding board to make sure that you're all tightened and ready to rock on this change whatever it would be.

So, our first C is always clarify and clarify really means to understand what it is that you're afraid of. Right. So, I'm afraid if I do X, Y is going to happen. And the y is really what fear what's the fear? Is it failure is rejection? Is it regret? I'm afraid to make this change because it may be acts like it may make me look stupid, or it may make me regret that I made that decision, like really stare that fear in the face. And when you clarify what the problem is, when you clarify what the fear is, you realize that the problem isn't the change itself. The problem is what you're worried about what you're fearing. And that fear is a beautiful thing when you know what it is because you can stare down objectify it and do something about it.

So, the next thing in our list our next see after clarify is calibrate and calibrate really is a way of saying measure how true things are, is it really an accurate perception that if you do that make that change, that you really will be as impacted as you think you are. So, if you take that new job, or you take on a new project, or you drive a different way to work for that matter, and you're fearing that you're going to be late, that's when you know you're worried. And then you say yourself, well what would happen if I'm five minutes late. So, calibrating it back to the reality really helps. And again, talking this through with somebody who's a little bit more objective, less emotional, can make a huge difference in the way that you see and, and recognize what's really wigging out.

Our next seat is control. And this is the secret to all the confidence, rebuilding, building strengthening that we do in all aspects of confidence. And that is when you take control when you make the decision to take control of the situation and not let it control you. That's the confidence moment. That's when you have hijacked your amygdala and say, no, no, we're not going to go down into the brainstem, we're not going to wake out we are going to be brilliant. And think this through enough so that we can make a decision about what to do next. And that control moment. And control is a little scary for some people, but you're not controlling other people, you're controlling your brain, you're controlling your decision path here. And while you can't necessarily control the change and may be happening with or without your decision, you may be getting let go in organizational change or whatever you can decide you can control how you feel about what you're going to do next. So, you're going to grab control of that, and you're going to make some conscious decisions. And the way that you do that is really to think through the options, brainstorm. And some of the options may be preposterous, maybe ridiculous. Maybe it is, you know, I'm going to go through this organizational change. And I am going to just take a couple of months off maybe go take a sabbatical somewhere. I mean, it could be whatever, fantasize a little bit, give yourself that freedom to brainstorm all the possibilities of what you can do as a response reaction and proaction of this particular change, and then pick one, just pick one say I'm going to do that. Because it feels right, it seems right. It gives me a sense of the right direction. And maybe in a couple of weeks, you can say yeah, it wasn't such a good decision. I'm going to do something else. But at least you done something you move forward in a way that is not somebody else's choice but yours.

All right, that's our third C, the fourth C here is to communicate. I suggested before talking with a partner, a friend, a coach, absolutely great. But I also want you to communicate with your inner critic. I want you to remind her, remind him or remind them that you are human and that you are going to make mistakes. That's normal. That's part of life. It's part of learning. I also want you to remind yourself that you can only do so much in the day. And yes, you should always push yourself to do great things. angles but at the same time to pay attention to the way you're feeling. Because again, change takes up a lot of cognitive resource. So be in touch with how you're feeling. Because when you're tired and you're pushing, and you're making bad decisions, that's when we regret. So, communicate with your inner critic, communicate with other people, set some milestones, set some measurements, and be very clear about what you're doing and why. And that makes a very big, big difference. When you look back and go, hmm, I did a really good job in moving my own life forward.

Now, the last C in our list is coach. And coach can be again with a third party person, whether it's informal, it could be with somebody like a friend or a spouse who's just being a an accountabila-buddy, as we say, and that's great. But you self-coach yourself through this process. And every week, put a minute or two, it doesn't take a half an hour, it can take a minute or two, check in with yourself, how am I doing? How do I feel about the change and what I've decided to do about it making progress do I need to make changes, so put it in your calendar, make that a C to put it in your calendar to check in with yourself as your own coach, and I'm going to give you a bonus to see a bonus ball like they do in the lottery. Right?

It's the bonus C, which is celebrate and celebrate is celebrate right now that you're listening to this podcast, because that is a huge step in the right direction. If you're trying to make a change, and you're considering what you're going to do next, celebrate that celebrate any time that you've hit a milestone, because we don't celebrate ourselves enough. I don't care what gender or age you are; we don't celebrate our own success. And the older you get, and you expect other people to celebrate that. And then you're disappointed. So, celebrating that I did today, I move that picture. Oh, I looked up some jobs, who I bought them my resume, whatever it might be, oh, I raised my hand in the meeting that I normally wouldn't, and I made a change. Remember that beautiful Disney movie, those little characters dancing up there. I love that. So, you know, whatever it takes to recognize and celebrate your accomplishment that not only feed some beautiful dopamine to your neurons to see us. It's like champagne in the brain. Oh, I might have to trademark that. I love that champagne and the brain is that little dopamine drip, makes it feel good and happy makes you want to do more all the good stuff. But quite frankly, when you celebrate when you recognize the step that you did, no matter how it pans out down the road, you don't have to mentally do a physical happy dance or do a mental tap dance in your brain. Yeah, you're giving yourself that little Kudo confidence. We are awesome because you are because you are and you can handle the change, you can make things happen. And it may not always be a straight path, but you're moving forward. And that's what matters. So, my friends on that note, thanks for joining me talk to you next time.

So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website www.Americanconfidenceinstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others and you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered are ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.

Ep 34: Real Confidence- Confidence in the Face of Change

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