Ep 29: How to be Confidently Pissed Off
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to be, welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. Let's get to it.
Alyssa Dver:
Easily aggravated for sure. And when I'm really tired, or there's just been a lot of stuff going on course a little bit more easily than I'd like to admit. But in this podcast, what I want to really kind of break down is a couple different types of aggravations not only what they are, why they happen, but give you some strategies how to deal with it a little better. And I'm sure we are all agitated, at least if not totally aggravated by all the COVID stuff. If you live in New England like I do, the winters can be dark, long cold, a little bit frustrating too. So, let's break it down different aggravations into three different buckets. I'm going to start with annoying ones just kind of everyday annoyances. The second category is a little bit more severe. I'm going to call those WTF frustrating, definitely elicit an emotional response, sometimes even a physical flip of the hand, right. And the third type, which is utterly pissed off, and these are the ones that really get under our skin make us viscerally agitated and visually annoyed.
So, let's start with that first category annoying, just annoying. And the reason I'm putting it in this kind of bottom of the bucket least agitating, aggravating kind of annoyances, because they're so common everyday occurrences that oftentimes, we don't really give I don't know we don't get we don't pay attention. We don't give them kind of credibility or energy, but they still kind of tick us off. Let me give you some examples. How about when you go into a public restroom, and somebody hasn't flushed? It's disgusting. You get annoyed but you just go to the next toilet you find one that's not so. So vile, right? How about if you're in the store and somebody is rude to you, particularly an employee, we joke my son works in a supermarket and the fish lady is notoriously nasty. So, you know, you walk up to order some fish and she gives you a little attitude and it is annoying. But again, you might just say well, she's always like that, maybe she's having a bad day, maybe the fishes isn’t so fresh, whatever. And you walk on, and you keep doing your shopping, right.
Pet peeves. We talk about pet peeves all the time in the institute. We have podcasts about them too. And not to belabor it in this one. But when somebody doesn't say thank you, you know, a legitimate reason to say thank you. That's one of my pet peeves I was brought up to be particularly polite around thank you’ s. In fact, when I don't get a thank you card, if I bought somebody a present or really gone out of my way, it just kind of ticks me off. But again, in the real world, so to speak, you're out in the store or you're having conversation or whatever. You know, the lack of thank you’ s is pervasive. So, I'm going to put those in the annoyance bucket you know, winter I mentioned New England winters Yeah, I get annoyed to having to put my boots on for crying out loud, having to get all suited up just to take the dog out. And dry skin and on and on and on. So, lots of annoyances. And again, because they're every day, situations, and issues, maybe we get annoyed, but we move on. We acknowledge the annoyance pisses off for a moment, but it doesn't linger.
The next bucket up I said is WTF frustrations. And these are things that I would say really elicit that kind of “err” feeling where somebody does something or you do or don't do something that you really get worked up about, at least in that moment in time. So, things like when somebody steals your parking spot. You know, you're waiting politely for the person for you to pull out. Somebody else scooches in-that annoying, right. And you want to go what the right you might even flip on a bird but it again, it's not something that's gonna linger days later, necessarily. What about when you send somebody an email and then they write back usually to more than just you in fact to ask questions and you're like, dude, did you just read the email like, hello it was in there? Right? Or, you know, these inane things that people do because they're moving too fast and annoying. And, you know, they just, like get annoyed, right? Like, please read the text, read the read the email I sent me just call me whatever. And again, those are frustrating, annoying, you want to scream at the person, it's not going to linger two or three days later, it might just taint their reputation. And you might realize next time, they're probably not going to read this. Or if they write back that they didn't read it clearly, you might want to just say, hey, you know, it is in the email. They're solvable, they still are pissing me off. I agree but doesn't change my world too much.
It's the last bucket these utterly pissed off situations. And the more I was thinking about them, in preparation for this, the more I realized this is what that category has in common. It's when somebody else really wastes my time or money. So, somebody's not reading an email is on that cusp. But it's really when somebody does something, whether it's intentional or not, that's a huge, monumental waste of my time, either that I have to go somewhere or do something, something that they told me wasn't going to happen. And then it does. And it is that they're really, really transgresses a value that I have that I really try and protect my time, my money as well as other people's. And so, when somebody does something that really cost me something unnecessarily, it really pisses me off, it really aggravates me. And I think it is the thoughtlessness and the lack of respect that really gets under my skin. So almost doesn't matter what the annoyance is, as we talk about how to deal with them, but the commonality of all of them, the reality is that there's a violation of something that we value, something that we find is important to us that we've been taught, or we believe that is critical, whether it is to say thank you, whether it's to be courteous, respectful, to mind other people's time and their money, whatever the value is, when that gets transgressed, that's what annoys us. That's what makes us angry and because there is that emotional reaction of something that is important to us, that's our amygdala screaming at us saying, hey, violation, hello, do something somebody is trying to do something that is against your self beliefs against your values, your needs, and your wants.
So, it is a signal it is a wakeup call to our brain. And the question is, when we get that signal, do we get all pissed off and flip them the bird and get anxious and angry and all the negative reactions? Or can we take that signal and be more productive? And you know, the answer is yes, but the question is how so? We're going to take a sponsor break when we get back. I have some suggestions on how to deal with those aggravations a little bit more productively.
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Alyssa Dver:
Alright, so somebody has done something that has really ticked you off, or even slightly ticked you off, let's use the middle of the road example I gave before somebody's taken your parking spot. And it's enough to really get your pissed off in that moment. So, you have three options, you always have three options. And as you may know, my book is Confidence is a Choice. I do believe we have a lot more choices in the world than we often think about or realize. So, in that moment that somebody just whipped into your spot, you get three choices of how you want to handle it. Choice number one is to ignore it. And just drive on, find another spot and be done. Maybe you're saying yourself, you know what, I don't feel like spending the energy to get worked up about this there's plenty of other spots, I'll deal with it, whatever. And you just drive to the next one. That's option number one is ignore it. Option number two is to confront the person you wait till they get out of the car, maybe you roll down your window, get out of your car and be like hey, no that was my spot, I was waiting “what the hell!”, right and that confrontation, however you decide to handle it in that agitated space, the place that you are still angry and frustrated because they have, quote, violated a value, which is you are waiting patiently for the spot. You attack that person verbally or otherwise pretty much know that it's not going to be a good confrontation, they may back down and say, oh, I'm so sorry, but chances are, they're going to be like, hey, didn't see it. Sorry, too bad. Screw you. Not always the most productive confrontation and conversation, right?
So, it is a choice, you may or may not know what the outcome is, you can kind of predict that it may or may not be good. So, you make the decision. If you want to even take the chance, roll the dice. Option number three is of course, deal with it, deal with it. And in dealing with it, it is to stop in that moment of awe, aggravation, and see yourself yeah, person clearly violated value of mine. And as we talked in pet peeves and other podcasts, like I mentioned, we have language that we can use, it says to our brain, hey, I waited patiently, and they did not respect that. And I appreciate it when people do respect me and do value that the time, I put into wait for the spot. So can you use the same language when you roll down the window and be like, hey, maybe you didn't see me waiting, or realize that I had been sitting there for a while. But I was waiting for that spot. And I really appreciate it when other people do respect me for that. And that is a really confident approach to confronting if you will, that person. Now they may still be like screw you, but at the same time, you're not losing your goose, right. You're keeping your cool and, in that moment, you can really pat yourself on the back and be like, that really sucked. But I handled it well. And I didn't waste cognitive energy on a moron there on somebody who didn't notice. Or maybe they really didn't notice now not a moron, they just literally were in their own zone and didn't notice me whatever the case is, I didn't waste any cycles on a stranger for something as stupid as taking a parking spot. Now that is the opportunity again, to take that signal of aggravation and put it up in the prefrontal cortex where you can be a lot more in control and confident and yeah, it might take a little more energy or seem like it to do that, but boy, is it a lot less energy to get into a full-blown confrontation about something as stupid as a parking spot. So, my friends, another example of how that amygdala signal, how that amygdala moment can be used more productively, to keep us calm, cool, confident.
So before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website, www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others. And you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fueled by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered, or ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by a listed here in the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.
