Ep 24: Mean People Suck
Alyssa:
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to be, welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
I've been wanting to do this podcast forever, because our most popular one has been about bullies. And I think bullies are notorious in some ways, we recognize them as the, the people in our work or home life that are consistently like that. And we know them and, and we're going to talk a lot about that too. But I also want to expand even our horizon here, because when we talk about mean people, maybe it's a little less personal in the sense that we meet somebody who's behind a counter at a store or at the airport, somebody who's just mean. Somebody who is just not a happy person and transferring that negative energy to the rest of the world. I have this wonderful visual that I hope you'll appreciate, I call them pucker faces, because inevitably, you'll see that their faces are drawn in their cheeks are kind of puckering and they give you that visible warning that they're pissed off, a pucker face. And the reason I like the concept so much is it's the opposite of a poker face. Right? In poker, you have a poker face, you don't give anyone any information about what you're feeling, it's a complete eraser of any kind of emotion, like you are definitely not going to give up your, the way that you're thinking or feeling in a poker face. But a pucker face tells you very precisely they're pissed off, they're mad, they're, you know, don't even try, and make their day.
So, you know, I'm gonna talk about people in general that are just mean, they're just angry, frustrated and mean. And yes, technically, I believe that they're all bullies. But we don't always look at them that way. Because we may not know them personally. We may not look at them and think that they are deliberately doing that kind of behavior. And in some ways, we give them a little bit more, perhaps compassion. We tiptoe around them. We do all kinds of behaviors that I think on the face of it, we would forgive ourselves for doing it. But I would really challenge the fact that maybe there's a better way to handle it a better way for both you and the meanie.
Now, mean people do they always yell? Do they always scowl? Do they always do things that are kind of aggressive like that? Yeah, sometimes we call them passive aggressive. Maybe they're utterly sarcastic all the time? Or how about one of my favorite English words pedantic, pedantic, they kind of belittle other people, make them feel stupid, like, oh, like, if you read the instructions then, that kind of comment, or maybe they're always trying to micromanage and micromanagement is a form of, of being kind of a bully in that that person is not trusting you obviously. But they really don't think that you can get the job done properly. So, they are hovering right. So, all these are, I would put in the bucket of mean people. They are forms of bullying. And in a lot of cases, it is probably all cases now that I'm thinking about it, transference of their lack of confidence. Right? They are transferring something that they are not secure about in other words that they fear, they don't want to be rejected. They don't want to be seen as somebody who's outside or they don't want to feel like they're failures, right? So, we know this in our confidence work that those fears the fear of failure, the fear of regretting, of doing something or not doing something that you're gonna regret later. And ultimately, that fear of rejection is what triggers all this lack of confidence right? But again, I I'm almost less concerned about managing their confidence for their sake, then managing your own and really recognizing that when somebody is of that type, that's mean, it usually has nothing to do with you. It has to do with their own stuff, their own baggage, their own inability to manage the emotion. And when somebody is mean somebody is a bully, I'm not going to suggest that you feel sorry for them at all. But perhaps you recognize that they're going through some kind of a confidence crisis. And it makes them, or they think it's gonna make them feel better by pulling you into it.
So first and foremost, stop and recognize that their crisis doesn't have to be yours. Man, is that relieving? Right? Second, yes, in some cases, we have to deal with the meanness, it might be even a relative a parent for crying out loud, it may be a boss, we have to deal with it. So, we're going to first and foremost, objectify, as hard as it may be, we're going to objectify the fact that that person is in some set of some sort of pain. It's like almost a wounded animal. And when animals are wounded, what do they you get told, you know, stay away? Because they could be vicious? Well, that's a little bit what it is, there's some pain going and, in this case, an emotional pain. Do you need to know what it is or why it's happening, not so much, just recognize that that person is lashing out in some really mean way because they're in some sort of pain?
And, and usually, like I said, that pain has nothing to do with you. Now, in many cases, you may be just an easy target, you may be a super nice person, or in a power position, a child, or a subordinate, or just somebody who there's not really a lash back. There's no ramification, there's no implication, or at least obvious implication that if the meanie yells at you that they're going to get in trouble that they are going to regret it, they may regret it. But needless to say, they don't think of that in the moment, because they have the power, and they can do those things. But there is always a ramification, of course, right? Lack of trust, lack of loyalty, lack of respect, lack of list goes on. But in that moment, that the bully of the meanies kind of going at ya or just doing the aggressive or passive aggressive behavior in their brains. They are trying to, again, defer that confidence crisis over to you so that they can feel better.
Yeah, yuck. Right. Totally. Yuck. So, power play? Yes. Confidence crisis causing it. Yes. Do we care what and why it's happening? Not so much, but the introspection to realize, first of all, it has nothing really to do what you just happen to be the target, the victim may be the easy person to roll it onto. And I often say to myself are people that I know that get the brunt of some of this, maybe it's an honor that somebody else feels comfortable enough to unload on me, maybe that's something I should look at, not with fear, but rather with honor. But needless to say, it almost doesn't matter. What I do want you to do is look at it as this is what's happening. This is objective, and not react in your own cave person brainstem, not going to your own set of protection reactions. Don't be cowering or shy or apologetic, but put it back, put that fear your own fear of being attacked into your prefrontal, take the higher road, be the person who doesn't go cave person. Let them go cave person, it's you can't really control them. But don't let them take you downstairs. Alright, so first and foremost, that's the best way to handle things like this, but I'm going to give you some really specific things that you can do to not only protect your confidence, but to get it back on track. When something like that happens when a meanie or a bully goes after you all right, I'll be right back after our sponsor break.
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Alyssa:
All right, so here we go. I want to give you something that really is a set of weapons or tools that you can have that when you are “attacked” by a bully or a mean person, what are some things that you can do? Now again, we recognize the fact that the bully, I'll just label it that, is in some sort of pain, in some sort of fear management, and they're trying to roll some of that onto you to get it out of them to put it on to other people and just recognizing that is huge. But as I often talk in my podcast, we always have choices about how we want to handle these things. So, the choice that you can make, there's three of them really, is to avoid to cope or to confront. So, let's break those down.
Can you avoid those mean people? Probably not. And what I mean by that is if they're in at work at home, relative or otherwise, or you know, you go again to a restaurant or you go to an airport or someplace, and you don't expect them to be mean, necessarily all of a sudden, they're there in their mean. Now, it cracks me up because there used to be a place in Boston, actually, there's two places in Boston, one, I think, is still around, where the waitstaff was notoriously mean, that was their stick, they would literally be like yelling at customers being snide and sarcastic, and people love that they, they paid to go. And if you think about it, what's the difference between that and then being surprised about being mean, right? I think when you expect it, and it's you look at it, you can be objective, you can almost be like, oh, that person's acting, or that person has an issue. And so be it right when you expect it.
But when it's a surprise, when all of a sudden, you're in a situation and somebody's really mean to you, maybe they're yelling, you at the parking lot, because you accidentally took the parking spot, or whatever it is, that's that moment of what do I do? And you can't avoid those, right? That's just part of life. But again, even if it's a relative or a boss, and it's somebody that you know, is notoriously mean, can you avoid having contact with them? Maybe a little bit, probably not ultimately. So, avoiding may not always be the ideal choice. It's a choice, of course, but it's not the ideal choice in some circumstances. So, coping, I've given you some coping strategies already, again, reminding yourself that this anger, this frustration, this meanness has nothing really to do with you. You didn't cause it; you didn't create it for them. But they are choosing you, it may be other people, too, to roll it onto. So, pat yourself on the back, say, you know, what, I'm honored to, you know, kind of be that recipient or that receptacle for you. But at the same time, don't personalize it, don't make it about you don't make it so that you think that it's your fault, because it's not.
I'm going to say that again, for all those y'all out there that maybe has mean parent or a mean, uncle or aunt or somebody else that just really is just mean to you. It's not your fault. It's theirs. It's their problem. It's their issue. So, coping with it, recognizing that right off the bat, key strategy, key strategies. Now, confidence, part of the confidence conversation is always about making that conscious choice. Do you do you want to deal with this beyond just analyzing it, beyond just justifying it or someway mitigating it? Right, okay, so that person's mean, they have a problem. It's not me, it is what it is, again, that's kind of a coping strategy. But you can make a choice to actually confront it, to deal with it in a more, shall I say productive way. And, inevitably, when we look at things that upset us, when we look at things that are that unread, that rattle our confidence, if we dig deep into our value system, if we dig deep into why they're rattling us, it's because our values have been violated. So, when somebody is mean, when somebody is nasty to you, you interpret it as being nasty because you don't want to be like that you don't want people to be like that. And I get that. It upsets me too, for the same reason. It's like a justice, street poker. I don't want people to be mean to me or anybody else. It's a value of mine. So, one of the things you can do, when you think to yourself, you know what, that person's going to be mean to me, and I'm going to just kind of bounce it off, but they're going to take it somewhere else and they're going to go after somebody else that is less, reflective, resilient. You know, if you act like Teflon and be like, okay, you can dump your stuff on me, but I don't really take it personally. They may find somebody else. That is another victim that will be less Teflon-like so. Maybe you say you know what, I'm gonna not so much teach this person a lesson but maybe help them get their confidence on track so they don't spray that insecurity on other people. And the way to do that so easily, relatively easily, I should say, is to say to them, hey, you know what? I really appreciated when- that's out of our pet peeves tool- I really appreciate it when, and then tell them what it is. I, you know, I really appreciate it when people don't criticize my work without asking first, or I really appreciate it when people don't comment on my weight. So, it's not I don't like it when, it's not you shouldn't say it's, I really appreciate it when and tell them what you would prefer them to do.
Now, here's the little secret bullies, meanies are no smarter than you and quite honestly less smart. Because they don't realize A what they're doing half the time and B they don't have better language better words to express that fear, that upsetness that's rattling in their brains that's causing their brain stems to be in control. So, we're going to help them to get out of brainstem mode and consider an alternative behavior by telling them I appreciate it when I appreciate it when people help me, but it works better for me to do it this way. Oooo right it's kind of like a fire extinguisher for that confidence crisis that the meanie or bully is going through. So, give it a whirl. Again, you get choices on how you're going to deal with these people.
Avoid. Confront. And most importantly, let's not take it personally mean people. Sorry, folks out there. I'm not gonna let you ruin my confidence just because yours is limping along. So here you go another podcast for you. I appreciate your time, your interest, and always your feedback.
So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website, www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others and you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered, or ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.
