EP 23: Real Confidence- Thank You, But …

May 01, 2022

Thank you, but …

No one gets out of this thing called life with experiencing rejection. Big rejections, little rejections, personal rejections, not-so-personal rejections ... and every one of them sucks.

It’s easy to want to bypass the hurt, shame, frustration, anger, or humiliation that comes with rejection. Our society and culture want us to look on the bright side, trust that some things are meant to be and some aren’t, and to find the lesson in a situation that – let’s be honest – feels AWFUL.

And that awful feeling isn’t lost on the brain, whose job it is to keep us safe. It starts whispering things in our ear, like, “I don’t want to do that again,” “See what happens when you put yourself out there,” or “Let’s go dig a nice hole and hide out in it for the next decade or two.”

That’s a normal human response, but there’s nothing productive about feeling crappy.

Or is there?

In this episode of the podcast, I share my own stories of being on the receiving end of “Thank you, but…” and what I do to move through the anger, frustration and pain so the next time I stick my neck out there, it doesn’t feel so masochistic.

I’ll cover things like:

How to let your cave person brain throw a tantrum – but in a safe way
How playlists, lucky charms and love letters give our brains something else to do besides tell us what a loser we are
The magic of what I call the “Three Little Things” exercise; and
Why it’s important to remember that rejection is part of everyone’s story, but it’s nobody’s whole story

Episode Transcript

Ep 23: Thank You, But..
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where, who you want to be? Welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science. So surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. Let's get to it.

Alyssa Dver
I had a day yesterday, full of “thank you, buts,” rejections from sales opportunities, rejections of even some TED talks that I had pitched. Yeah. And I was angry, I was frustrated, I was sad, I was hurt, feeling like worthless. Feeling like why do I even do this? Does anyone care? Should I care? Should I continue? All these negative feelings and thoughts. And it was one of those moments that I said, you know, I've been here before, but it doesn't make it any easier now, to deal with this pain. Now, rejection comes in all kinds of flavors, of course, you can be rejected. When you apply for a job or speaking opportunity, like a TED talk, or otherwise. You can be rejected for putting a book proposal out there from all those wonderful publishers and agents, you can be rejected when you go to raise money for your startup. You can be rejected, of course, in big things like relationships. But you can also be rejected in a meeting when somebody doesn't like your idea. You can be rejected simply by calling somebody up and being like, hey, let's go get a bite to eat and they say thank you, but.

So, lots of different scope on this conversation in terms of rejection, but I'll go so far to say don't think any of it feels good. I don't think any of it is lost in our brain. In other words, those are little micro traumas, or macro traumas, depending on the size that we go, oh, I don't want to do that, again, makes us gun shy the next time. Now, it feels horrible, right? You want to crawl under the earth, not just in under their desk, but literally bury yourself in a hole and then be like, I don't want to do it. But the good news is this. I mean, this sincerely, we're going to talk today now about not just how to use it productively, which, when you're in the mire of this rejection, you're like, ah, screw that, like, there's nothing productive about feeling crappy. But is there a way that we can use it better? And more importantly, maybe, how do we get through it faster? How do we get through that pain and frustration so that next time, if we do want to do it again, or we have to do it again, find another job apply for something? It doesn't feel so horrendous.

Now, I don't care if you've gotten rejected from a school application or job application. I really want you to think about any kind of rejection that you've had maybe recently that you can apply today's conversation to. And I'm hoping that next time something, some kind of rejection and a different kind of fact, you'll understand that there's a lot of similarity about what happens in our brains and our behavior. That rejection isn't something that is necessarily unique to you. We all go through it. And here's the truth. Nobody posts on their on their social. I got rejected, right? Oh, they didn't like me. It's very rare. It's very rare. So, every time you see somebody put something that's good accomplishment, trust me, there's probably 10 or more rejections in and around that accomplishment. We just don't talk about it. We don't share it. Right. It's rare that you call a friend and be like, oh, guess what, I didn't get the gig. And if you do talk about it, it's always surrounded by wasn't meant to be and, you know, keep going because one in 10 sales don't happen, you know, you get all this kind of rah-rah stuff, which may be true. You know, I talk about the one in 10 sales hits. But reality is this too is the more you do something, the better you get, right? So, one in 10 by the 10th time, you're better, you hope you're better. And you learn from it from the nine others, right? It's not just about doing the same thing over and over again; we call that insanity. But rejection can be used again as a way to learn and grow and be We better. And I think we have an opportunity, when we're feeling that pain that sign that signal. It's clearly something that our brain is selling, saying to us, you know what, this is something you really wanted, this is something that you maybe you really valued or needed the job the school that you wanted to go to the idea you wanted a sell, so to speak in the meeting. And so that that violation of that value that need that want that hurts, that's a signal that's pain, just like physical pain that tells your brain oh, that's not okay.

To suggest also that sometimes the pain is very personal, right? The personal, more personal, the harder it is. And, you know, yesterday is a good example for myself, I got rejected for two very large sales deals that I was actually selling more of our diversity services. And yes, it's personal to me because I'm the entrepreneur, inventor of the organization. But it's not they're not saying no, I don't like you, Alyssa. But the TED talk. Oh, that one stone. Now I'm starting got through the interview process. Again. Not my first time I've had an interview. And they say no, thank you. Now for all you who look at my profile girl, she said two TED Talks. Yeah, I've had about 20 interviews, got through that process where you say a slam dunk, right? No, not so much. So, let's think about this for a second when we get hit harder than we'd like. And I'm joking about that when we get hit with this. Thank you, but not interested in these form letters kill me. You know, we've interviewed so many people, they're so great, but we've decided, right, there's always the same language. And then, you know, there's more candidates than there's jobs, and we thank you for your time, you know, whatever the flippin wrappers are, what really kills me is at the end is I hope that you'll consider applying next time, off friggin off. Really? Are you kidding me? You want me to go through this again? Put all this energy and effort and you told me no thank you to me. And you want me to do it again? Yeah, screw you. That's the immediate reaction. And what I'm going to suggest is you let that reaction be like, do it. Get mad, mire in, that frustration, that anger that hurt. Let that cave person out. But do it in a safe way.

So yesterday, I was like, you know what, I'm gonna take a walk. And despite the fact that my dog did not want to go with me, it's kind of funny. Ha-ha, I decided to take what we know in our household is the power walk we have this killer hill makes me huff and puff. It's a very, very tough walk. I did it at a good pace. And put on some really loud rock music in my earbuds and got back to the house. And yeah, I just definitely felt better physically felt better. But I let that cave person just right, just grumble, grumble, grumble. And then I called some friends. And I said to them, here's what happened, what do you think? And there was like an interesting mix of they're not your people. Right? Like the unit, the people that proposals that I was putting out there for those folks. They're just not my people. And I should go thank them and go find the tribe. Right. So, one out of 10. Thank you one to nine, move on. Okay. Some other friends said to me, what did you do wrong? Go back and rewind, learn from what it was what is there in there that possibly could have gone wrong? And yeah, they're trying to help me explain why things didn't work out. But also, to learn from it so that maybe next time I do things differently.

At the end of the day, it's hard to know. And yes, I am an absolute feedback hound. I always ask people, when they say no, thank you. But why? What was it please help me learn from this? Is there something that I can be doing better or differently? And it's rare that you get complete truth, you get a little bit of that? Well, we had so many people stuff, but also things like you know, your topic just wasn't exactly what we were looking for. Maybe you didn't present something that was important to us in your background. And oftentimes you get mad because you're like, yes, I did. They weren't listening. But at the same time, maybe it's a way for you to mark the fact that you have to emphasize things. More importantly, ask people what they're looking for be really clear, so you can make sure you hammer it for them. So, if nothing else, maybe that feedback, maybe that opportunity to quote learn from what you did makes you a little bit, not so much humbler, but a better listener, a better asker of what they want before you present yourself. Well, good. I'm not saying that you shouldn't do that at all. It's all really good, but at the end of the day, doesn't necessarily make you feel better. Doesn't make you go okay, I'm going to live through this I'm gonna maybe do it again, if the opportunity presents itself. And I'm going to do it again, without all these negative scars and anger and frustration because the next person that I interview with, the next TED talk, the next job, the next whatever, I don't want to bring all this anger and baggage with me, it's just going to cloud the opportunity. So how do we do that?

Well, I'm going to take a quick sponsor break, because I want to queue up for you some of the techniques that we use at the institute that we know really work and they're so easy, it's nothing like you have to do anything hard or takes any time. So come on back in a couple of seconds. And we're going to talk through two of our techniques, they're really tools that will help you not just deal with rejection, but actually use it in a good way. All right, I'll be right back.

This podcast was sponsored by the American Confidence Institute. ACI trains smart, hardworking people how to use basic brain science to more effectively coach themselves and others. ACI is endorsed by top universities, the Strategic HR Management Association, and International Coaching Federation. Learn more about ACI is uniquely empowering keynotes, workshops, eclasses in coaching certification at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.

I thank you for sticking with me through that brief ad. Like you know, here's the thing I talked earlier about there's different types of rejection, you know, big rejections, little rejections, personal rejections, not so personal rejections, but again, it all sucks. Let's just level it out. It all sucks. It all hurts. And as much as we can rationalize, understand, explain, doesn't necessarily remove the pain, the hurt, the trauma. So, I'm going to suggest a few things that will alleviate that for you. And I know that these things work for a lot of people. So, give them a try. Not everything works for everyone. But I'm going to suggest that you definitely consider this. So, the first thing is what we call a confidence collection, confidence collection. And it starts with a single thing called a structure. A structure can be anything. And what I mean by that is anything that reflects a moment in your life, where you are really feeling good, that you're really proud, accomplished, or otherwise just loved. So, it could be a picture, maybe it's a picture of your kids, your friends, your family, whatever that was a loving moment makes you really happy to see, it could be a song that juices you up, that reminds you of a time that you did something really fun. It could be a physical object, like a lucky charm, rabbit's foot, whatever it is, that again, you've used in the past and brought you good luck. It can be an email that somebody sent you that said, you did something really great, and they appreciate it. It could be a testimonial on your LinkedIn, for example, it could be anything, any physical or digital thing that you can grab at a moment's notice, that reminds you that you're pretty damn awesome. That's a structure. Now for those of you who are Amy Cuddy power pose fans, a power pose is a structure. It's a structure, it's a way to juice up your brain and remind you, you know what, I can do this. So, a structure is really, really helpful. What makes it even better is when you start to collect them and put them in a single folder, file, digital, ideally. So that anytime you're about to go into a situation where there might be rejection, you know that it's possible an interview, a presentation, even a meeting, you can open up that folder, that confidence collection and go, you know what, no matter what happens next, I'm still going to be awesome. I'm an awesome person. I've done awesome things. I'm feeling good, I get a little dopamine drip, gone from all that reflection and things that make me happy and feeling good. And I'm ready for this next thing.

So, we suggested as a way of kind of going into that potential, confidence, challenging moment, but a confidence collection can also be used on the back end. When you get that rejection is a way of a go to place immediately to remind yourself you know what, I've done some really amazing things I have a really great life I'm okay and this one rejection does not define my entire path. That the rejection isn't who I am or going to change what I've done or what I will do necessarily in a negative way. So that confidence collection reinforces the fact that you still rock no matter what. Very easy to do very, very powerful and as you get more things whether it be a new trophy, you know, I got Funny enough, yesterday was this terrible day all this rejection at the end of the day, the mail shows up at about 4:30 my Time. And it is the physical metal the award that I got for the Stevie’s, and I laughed. I was like, Yeah, you know, here you go. The universe is telling me it's gonna be okay. So, you know, sometimes you just need those reminders that things that you've done things that you have in your life, not necessarily just to be grateful. But you've actually done some amazing things and not to lose track of those despite one person or one groups rejection of that moment in time of whatever you proposed, right. And again, whatever you propose job or idea, or application is subject to other people's very subjective judgments. So let it be right. Now, confidence collection is great.

There's another little thing that we do. And I love it because it's so damn easy. It's called Three little things, three little things. And I want you to take a minute with me now, not even a minute, 30 seconds. And I want you to think about three little things that you can do that really make you smile. And they have to be things that are easy to do. Accessible, like you know, don't say going to Paris. If you don't live in Paris, you have to be something that's quick and easy that you literally could drop what you're doing right now and go do or get. So, my examples, I have this absolute fanaticism for Wegmans, the supermarket chain, they have this bread called marathon bread, it's nuts and seeds and yummy. It's a little pricey, so I don't eat it all the time. It's bread too, so for that reason, but when I have something that goes sideways, I go get myself a little marathon bread. It's like my medicine. And the bread is toasted with butter. It's delicious. It's very easy to sit in my freezer. And it reminds me that I've had marathon bread before, and I was okay. I lived through whatever that crisis was, I'm okay. I can, you know, it didn't feel good. Whatever that last crisis rejection. Usually, I don't even remember what it was. Hint, hint. But here I am having marathon bread again. I'll probably have it again another time just you know, another slice in my freezer future. And this is just part of it, part of life, this is what happens. But I'm going to be okay. It's a reminder that I'm going to be okay. And in fact, in that moment, if I really focus on the marathon bread, it's like almost a reward for failing, a reward for being rejected. Kind of funny, right?

Another example I have is I love watching stupid TV shows with my son, Ben. Now when he's in college, it's a little more tricky, but every now and then I will say Ben, I need you to watch The Goldbergs. Right. And it's a way of saying I need that moment, to laugh to feel good to feel like being here, done this and whatever rejection I got that day is going to eventually sooner than later fade. So, pick three little things, whether it's something you eat, like marathon bread, something you do, like watch a benign TV show. Or maybe it's take a walk with a particular person, or just do a puzzle or paint a picture or whatever it is that you can do as a salve for that rejection moment. And as a way to remind you, you know what it sucked. But been there done that before probably will be there and do it again. And I'm okay is not going to suck the wind down to me, it's not going to define me as a person where my path of accomplishment, it's not going to take all that beautiful stuff in my comments collection out. It's just part of my story, the rejections part of what I'm going to be as a person going forward learning or not the experience and maybe doing things a little differently next time. But not taking that rejection as the end all be all. So, rejection sucks. Oh, yeah. Does it hurt like a mother? But it doesn't have to be the kind of thing that we let damage our neural pathways in a way that we don't try those things. Again, we don't use them for the better. Maybe just maybe we use them as rewards, marathon bread or other. So, my friends thank you again for being here today. I'm going to close this one down.

So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website, www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.compodcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others and you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some competence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered, or ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.

EP 23: Real Confidence- Thank You, But …

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