Ep 18: Yay Me! But No One Cares
Alyssa Dver:
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where, who you want to be? Welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science. Some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Think about any of your big accomplishments as a grown up, as an adult, maybe it was a promotion or getting a new job in particular, or getting um married, whatever it might be. There's that kind of buildup of all the work that goes in. And then there's other kinds of accomplishments that are maybe part of the expectation in terms of what you do for a living or maybe you're the coach of a team that wins. So, you have these different moments in your life, these different milestones and it almost doesn't matter how big or small they are, it's just something that you've worked up to you get to that climactic point and you celebrate that with whoever is involved in that celebration, right? So maybe it's the team, it's the team, if it's your classmates, your classmates, right? If it's your workers, your coworkers, and you've done something really big, together, you celebrate with them. And it's really exciting. But any of those accomplishments that maybe were on your own, maybe like something that you did for yourself or with a group, but the result, you know, the certificate or something was really for yourself. Again, that build up that excitement, could even be a presentation that you gave, you know, a big presentation or some kind of a project that came to fruition. You finally get to that moment, and you're like, oh, I can't wait for it, can’t wait for it even to be over because I need to sleep after this. It happens. And then after that, you might get some social media love, right? You post it out there, and people are like liking it, or congratulations. And I say you might, depends on what it is, of course, depends on who you are. But you might not. And it almost doesn't matter who you are what you did. In some cases, let me give you an example.
I did a TED talk another one, a second one, two weeks ago. And it was a very fast turnaround. In fact, when I got the message chain that I've been selected, I was suspicious, because usually get four to six months to do a TED talk. And this one was like, literally two weeks. I thought maybe I'm just a sub. But she said no, no, this is just the way they're rolling, it's all virtual and can use the script and blah, blah. So, I was really not sure if I wanted to do it not just because of the fast turnaround, but because I had a massive conference that I had run in the middle of that. And it was totally consuming my life like 20 hours at the desk. So, when I finally decided, yeah, I'm going to do this, and I decided to do it for all kinds of reasons, not just because it's a ted talk for crying out loud, they're not that easy to get. But also, it was the topic of something I have to present in a few weeks from now anyway, so I was like, you know what, it'll just give me a head start on it off, I went on the journey. And if you've ever done a TED talk, or ever want to do a TED talk, let me tell you, they are very, very rewarding. But at the same time, it's a huge amount of work. And I can't even tell you how many hours I spent on this one. I know on the first one that I did in 2020, which was actually onstage in person one just before the COVID broke out. You know, I think I counted at least 100 hours of prep. And the one that I just did easily 30 hours in writing, rewriting, practicing and all that. Anyway, the day comes because this one's going to be prerecorded since it's all virtual, the actual recording I did myself, you know, it wasn't a big deal, per se. And then the day of they strung them all together and interwoven some of the video from their own stuff in between. So, it was kind of like a professional event. I guess if you're watching a TED talk, you're watching it virtually anyway, in hindsight, but in this case, the whole event was virtual.
So interesting experience, wonderful group of women presenting. One of the things I love most it was really diverse group in terms of age and ethnicity and all that. So needless to say, good experience. And I think my talk was really good in that the point was talking about giving your brain a break. It's called how your “b game” can make your better. If you haven't looked it up, please do. Was it my absolute best talk ever? Probably not. Now, in all fairness, I love an audience. I love to interact with an audience, I love to really leverage the audience's energy and give it back to them. And it's impossible to do that really on Zoom. But needless to say, it was a good talk very, very well received, for the people that saw it. So, I'm not pleased with it. Now, maybe it's because I've done a TED talk before, maybe because it's me and people just expect it, could be a host of reasons. Most of my family didn't watch the day. I think one person did my mom. And even she was kind of indifferent about it. No, none of my friends as far as I know, saw it. And yeah, a few like, congratulations online, mostly from people I'm not that close to. And it was really disappointing. You know, it was like this big accomplishment and silence.
So, I took that as a, hm what's going on here. And first thing I wanted to do is really pay attention to the way I was feeling. You know, I was feeling unimportant. I was feeling like, nobody cared. I have no friends. You know, and my family sucks, you know, all that dysfunctional, you know, all the things that we do to convince ourselves that we're just unlucky, or that we're not good enough, right? So silly, right? Do a TED talk for crying out loud, and then beat yourself up, right? It's not just paradoxical, it's ridiculous. So, I was kind of Miring in that thinking to myself, why? Why do I feel this way? Now? You know, if you've been listening to my podcast before, it's all about belonging, it's always about the need to belong. And, yeah, obviously, direct link there, you know, I was feeling a little rejected. I was feeling like, nobody really cared. And so, I said, well, there's two sides of this, there is, why doesn't anyone care? What's going on there? And then there's what am I going to do about it myself? You know, should I care? So, let's tackle the first one.
You know, when we're children, most children get some form of congratulations, when they get a good grade, or they win a race or something, there's a congratulations, of course, if you don't win, or you don't get good grades, it's the opposite, right? But there is hopefully times in your life that you can remember that a teacher or family member somebody was really, you know, good job really well done. And we know giving too many of those too many kudos to kids is not a good thing, either. But different talk for a different day. So, I think as children, we're used to receiving them. We're used to getting those kinds of compliments, those kudos, but then we get to be grownups, adults, and even my 22 year old son, you know, this self-absorption of survival, I we got to take in all the data and information and trying to be present and not get in a car accident, and yet be involved in the world, right? Whatever that means, your work your school, your friends circle, your mating, you know, looking for a mate, whatever it might be, you're very consumed with all this activity. And perhaps don't give enough cycle time, brain cycle time to, oh, that person just did something I should congratulate them. I think that there's a funny fact that nobody wants to talk about which is if you go to church or temple or something, there's a lot of older people in there. Maybe because they have time, or maybe because they recognize how important spirituality is in their life. But it's usually those people who are most present that are the ones that are gonna be the first ones to congratulate you and make a big stink over something to the point where maybe you're even a little embarrassed, right? Your grandparents want to totally honk about your accomplishments, but yet, you know, your best friend so busy can't even say Hey, good job. So that's all part of it.
I think part of it could be jealousy, right? People look and go wow, you know, she did a second TED talk, and I haven't done any I suck on that admission that verbal admission out loud to say congratulations may just be beyond their emotional ability to process that, you know, a little envy little jealousy claim, of course, it could be expectation, right? I, you know, in my example, second TED Talk, people are like, whatever. It's almost like the second child like, Yeah, congratulations, right? Been there done that before. It doesn't mean that the effort was any less, it doesn't mean that it's not going to be as challenging as the first. So, but, you know, we kind of expect people to do certain things. And at that point, it's not such a big accomplishment in other people's minds, I suppose.
So, all good reasons, all good reasons that, and I say good, doesn't make me feel good, but legit reasons why somebody might not go out of their way to say, you rock. In the confidence constructs, you know, sometimes it helps to understand why people do things. Quite frankly, sometimes it doesn't matter. In this case, I don't care. I don't care what they're busy with. I don't care what they are doing or not doing. It makes me sad. It makes me judge them a little bit. I'll be honest, you know, a friend who doesn't congratulate me on something bothers me, I put that as a note in my head. But at the end of the day, it's not my job to figure out why. What my job is for myself, and as a result for the people I do care about, is to get those emotions under control and get my confidence back. So, I'm going to take a very quick break here. And in the final part of this podcast, what I want to do is talk about what you can do to not only celebrate yourself, but maybe be the person who makes that difference be the difference for somebody else. All right, we'll be right back.
This podcast was sponsored by the American Confidence Institute. ACI train smart, hardworking people how to use basic brain science to more effectively coach themselves and others. ACI is endorsed by top universities, the Strategic HR Management Association, and International Coaching Federation. Learn more about ACI is uniquely empowering keynotes, workshops, eclasses, and coaching certification at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.
Alright, so let's dive right in and talk about how do we celebrate ourselves, you know, how do we make a point to say, wow, that was awesome what I just did. So very simple things, right. And I'm sure there's 100 Other ways, I'd love to hear from anyone who's listening in ways that you did or could celebrate a future accomplishment. And the simple thing is, of course, to post about it on social media be like, hey, I just did this. This is I'm so excited about this. That's easy, right? What about taking a moment, and literally just thinking about the work that went in? Think about the fact that you did it. And just really for a moment mired in it. You know, make yourself realize I’m pretty awesome. I just did that. Not everybody could not everybody will. I just did that.
And even if other people have done it, you did it. You could put the energy and the effort and the decision to do it. And you did it. And that's awesome. That's beyond awesome. It's friggin awesome. So, taking that simple minute. You put all that time to get the accomplishment. You might as well take a minute to celebrate it right? Easy. You go out to dinner. Can you get some friends together to celebrate and have a book party or presentation party or whatever? Absolutely. You know, I was in one of our, we have this really great liquor store here in town, liquor store, I sound like an old fart, but it's beer, wine, and any kind of alcohol you want. But it's spectacular. And I was talking with the wine what woman there and very, very knowledgeable. And this other woman came in and the wine expert there said to me do you mind if I just help her for a minute because we were deep in conversation about some terror in Alsace Valley or something very geeky, at any rate, she went over to talk to this woman came back and said to me, she comes in every Friday, about this time. And she buys a very expensive bottle of wine. And every week, it's different, and she just really wants a good bottle of wine. And she says she's a nurse. And every week, COVID still, of course, she comes in to celebrate the fact that she did a very hard job that she made it through another week, and she didn't lose her cool and she did her best job. And she's celebrating herself at bottle of wine and I thought, oh sister rock on and I got to know this woman. So yeah, give me something tangible like that, is there something that you can reward yourself that you just make mark that moment, maybe it's a piece of jewelry, or maybe it's an ice cream cone it you know, whatever, doesn't even have to be edible for that matter. Jewelry always works for me just saying. But maybe it's just don't for a walk with a friend and taking that time that you haven't had because of that accomplishment. You know, maybe it's taken an hour and lying on the couch and watching some stupid movie that just fills your head and makes you giggle. But doing something with that intention to celebrate the accomplishment. That's important. That's important. I'm not saying that nobody else will be there. And it doesn't even mean if they're not visibly there that they're not excited for you. But it's sometimes people just don't go that extra second to say, hey, congratulations.
Now, I said before we can celebrate it ourselves, for sure. But again, if you've listened to my stuff before, you know that my mantra is to get confidence, the best way to do it is to give it away, oh, next time somebody else has an accomplishment. Somebody else has some kind of a milestone that you're aware of congratulate them. Make it a point to just say, hey, I know it was a lot of work well done. I know it sounds easy. And I know at times, it's really hard to pay attention to do that. But put your radars up. You know, it's like one of those things when somebody tells you about a new word or a new concept all of a sudden appears everywhere in your universe. It's because you've turned on those neurons in your brain, you're looking for them in the universe. So, look for other people's accomplishments, other people's celebrations that you can contribute to, so that they don't feel that rejection, like I did, like you probably have, that we both might in the future. Because they don't know how to celebrate themselves yet. Though, maybe you can help by celebrating a little bit for them with them.
So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website, www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others and you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics covered or ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.
