Ep 17: People We’re Allergic To
Alyssa:
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to be. Welcome to your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
It's fall or the beginning of fall here in New England, as I'm recording this. And some of us, some of you like me, may have these seasonal allergies that make your eyes itchy, sneezy, and runny, and all that yucky stuff. But I'm not talking about those kinds of allergies today, in this podcast, what I want to talk about are literally people who make you feel allergic, that you may have a reaction to, that's not so good. It's yucky. But it's the nose those running kind. And we might say that these are people who get our goad, you know, that person that gets under your skin, that makes you feel lousy, that may make you act react in a way that just really makes you feel terrible, maybe even ruminate on it, lose some sleep. Because every time you interact with them, they just turn you into somebody that doesn't make you very proud. Let me give you some examples in my own life I there's some specific ones that I I can pull literally right out of my memory.
There was a guy, not a guy, a man, who when I grew up when I was really young was a friend of my grandparents actually and he had this big hairy mustache. And he would come over to the house and kind of put it in my face and chase me around like whooo right? You know, I'm like, terrified of this guy, absolutely terrified. And I don't know, you know, as a young kid, of course, maybe just he is a person and the way he did it was like really kind of creeping weird, but, you know, for years after that moustache man used to terrify me. Now the good news is, they did get over that my husband, my one of my sons, in fact, have mustaches so I completely cured of it. But you know that whole experience was really something that traumatized me. And every time I would see somebody with a mustache, I'd have that moment of like, oh, this guy's gonna be a creeper. This guy's gonna scare me, right? So, it can be something as clear as that mean, kind of a funny example. But I have a feeling there's people in your life that might do that to you.
I remember there was another gentleman that I worked with. And I lived in Europe for a while in the south of France, to be specific was a spectacular experience. But towards the end of my term there, there was a man who had taken over he was kind of dubbed the new lead for the region. And he, he was Belgian. I even remember his name, but I won't say it here, just in case. But I remember he was always had a red face. And he always looked angry. And subsequently, whenever you had to go into his office, or you were called in, it was he didn't even have to say anything. It was just terrifying. And it made me feel really scared. It made me feel really nervous that there was something that I had done wrong, no matter what, right? If you were called into his office, it was like, oh, right, because if that face in that expression, he wasn't a particularly nice guy will tell you, but you know, again, he didn't even have to say anything. It was just a matter of wigging out because you were called into that, the corner office.
But you know, I'll give you another example. another gentleman that I work with, it just happens to be that these are all men. There's many, many women examples like I have as well, but this other gentleman did not have any kind of scary face or countenance. But he was the kind of personality that you'd be in a meeting, and he wouldn't say much. He was actively listening, you could see that and then at some point, he would either contribute his perspective in a very thoughtful, mindful way. But oftentimes, we'd have to ask him to contribute, you know, what's on your mind, what do you think and again, would give a very thoughtful, mindful, intelligent, I would say really intelligent perspective with everybody else's input, already baked in. So, you know, almost the opposite, that he wasn't scary, but at the same time, I knew when I was in a meeting with this person, it would make me feel a little uncomfortable. It would make me feel a little jumpy, would make me feel a little guarded. So those experiences, you know, have lived through, I've lived through them. And I don't really think that I've given it much thought until recently.
Because there was a gentleman that I work with and again, I apologize, they just happened to be all male examples today. Who was very, very friendly on the front of it very, very welcoming, always had a positive thing to say to people, but the more I worked with him, the more I realized he was very passive aggressive, and I have a feeling we've all had that experience as somebody who is almost disingenuous is, you know, very, very nice to a point where you're like, almost taken aback when you realize that sometimes they're doing it for reasons that are not just to be friendly. In this case, this gentleman I worked with, and as you would kind of open up to them, that would come back at you later on, maybe days or weeks later in some form that would almost be aggressive, or an insult or use just used against you. And so again, a little bit of trauma going on here, you know, eventually, I guess, learn, I learned to be more guarded around this person.
Well, what happened that really kind of raised this issue for me that led to this podcast was an incident, I left the organization, don't work with them anymore. But he asked me to do a favor. And it was really bad timing, I was dealing with some really big stuff work and personalized, and I said, I really couldn't help him at that moment, and he got very aggressive with me. And even somewhat threatening, to be honest, and I found myself getting really defensive, really, like, hey, you know, I can't do this because and, and don't, you know, don't think it's because I don't want to do it, it's because I really can’t. And then afterwards, after that interaction, I felt terrible, I felt like crap, I felt like I had almost been emotionally Forgive me for saying this raped.
Because not only did I allow this person to get under my skin, but then I reacted in a way that I didn't want to, that I wasn't proud about that I wasn't, it wasn't somebody I wanted to be wasn't somebody that I wanted to reflect to the world. Very defensive, very aggressive myself, brought out the worst. And so, it didn't make me think about other people like I just described in my life, and, and how you we allow other people to make us feel or allow ourselves to feel I should say, in a way that is not good, that we allow them in to manipulate us in our behavior? And I know it sounds, how shall I say, hmm, it sounds like we just shouldn't do it. Like, don't let that person control your behavior. But it's really hard to do. It's really hard to stop.
And so I went on this mission, asking a lot of different people, experts of different types, like why does this happen? Why do certain people get under our skin? And then we allow them to scratch us? Oh, why do we allow it to happen? What is it about? The common answer I got back from the experts was that that person definitely turns up some trauma from the past. So maybe this newest experience, reminded me of somebody else that made me feel or do things like that, and I got defensive to, you know, prevent that feeling again, but you know, again, I said, well, I can't really parallel that person to somebody my past or something that's happened, there's nothing that's apparent. I just know that he got under my skin and made me act like an animal that wasn't what I wanted to do. So, I don't know, again, how true that is. But enough, experts said to me that, you know, when we act like that, it's because our past is being relived and we go into, you know, fight or flight kind of mode in our brainstem and react in a way that's not so great. It's possible. Another set of people said to me, well, it challenges who you are, right? They're not challenging what you did or not just what you did, but who you are. And it's a lack of respect. It challenges your integrity; it challenges what you believe. And so, you get defensive to protect those values to protect that person that you otherwise were hoping to be. And again, I could make the argument well, that that could be true for sure. But even me, even the person who is hyper aware of confidence and how it works and who I am and all the stuff that I've done, I'm like, wow, it Doesn't happen a lot. But when it happens with certain people, there's got to be a pattern. There's got to be a trend. Why do certain people get under my skin?
Absolutely felt like I wasn't being respected felt like my integrity was being questioned. Absolutely true. But again, why? Why did it unhinge me? What was it? Was I tired? Was it a particular thing they said or did, I again, continue to probe it further? Now we know in the confidence construct that there is the three main fears: fear of failure, fear of regret, fear of rejection. That anytime those are being poked, if we don't grab that moment, we will act irrationally, we will act defensively, aggressively. So clearly, in my head anyway, one of those things was really being unhinged. And I think the common thing there is almost across the board, that there's no room for multiple people to exist. And what I mean by that is the common thing with all these people is for some reason, they convey and or I, that there's not enough air for both of us that they can exist in their world and their needs and values. And for some reason, I can't, that there's only room for them. And so, in some ways, it's a scarcity mindset, it's a winner takes all perspective. And I think that's really, what's at the heart of it. Is that instead of being like, you know, what you're entitled, to your perspective, your opinion, which is what I would do with most people, and I think most people would hope that most people would, would allow me to have my own perspective and that, that these people, the commonality, is that it feels at least, that it's their way or the highway, there isn't room for multiple perspectives on diversity of thought and opinion. And I think that's what becomes kind of that fight trigger for me. is that when I feel like there is no room for me to express myself, or at least to be respected with my own set of values, needs, and wants, yeah, the shackles go up, right? The guns come out, so to speak.
Now is very heavy, right? I'm describing this in a way because I, you know, I'm an over thinker by nature. And I was like, again, why do certain people raise that in me? Why do they poke me to a place where I act and behave in a way that disgusts myself? You know that I go to sleep at night going, Oh, you idiot. Why did you do that? Why did you act like that? Why did you react like that? I would love to hear other people's opinions why it happens. Because maybe there isn't a necessarily one reason or trend or pattern there. But I do you have some very solid ideas on how to deal with it when it does happen. So, I'm gonna take a quick break, give our sponsor a little bit of love here some airtime and when we come back, I'm gonna share with you some ideas I have about how to deal with it, so we don't act like a crazy person when somebody gets under our skin.
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I'm back and again if you have ideas or theories, why certain people why we're allergic to certain people while we have that reaction, not just itchy, scratchy, but literally we go crazy bananas to a place where we're not who we want to be, I would love to hear from you. In the meantime, I'm going to give you some ideas, some tips brain science based always on how to deal with this how to be a little bit less reactive, how to deal with it better so you don't lose a good night's sleep.
So, my first tip is pay attention. When you get that feeling like any amygdala moment, anytime you get that itchy uncomfortable feeling, it means that your values your needs and wants are being challenged, right. So, you Who does that to you, there's probably again, people you can list like I did earlier in your own life that trigger that for you. So just take a moment and figure out who those people are. And maybe there is a pattern, maybe there is some kind of commonality thing that they do, or, or how they behave. But not only be proactive, but when it does happen, take that moment to go, oh, God, this person, they're making me feel that itchy, allergic reaction thing again, and I look right. It's that amygdala moment that we want to be able to grab so that we can be aware of it anytime it happens, and not be so reactive in our brainstem, but literally grab it and put it into our prefrontal where we can be brilliant and a lot more in control and confident. So that's first and foremost, right?
The second thing is to not just breathe, which of course everybody's gonna tell you take a deep breath, hijack the amygdala and all that good stuff. But almost play the game be like, Okay, this is a game, I got to figure it out, like, what is it that's happening right now? What are they doing? What am I doing? And why am I doing it may not be as important as what can I do to not do it? Right? So, if you're reacting and getting defensive can you just stop yourself and be quiet? Can you ask questions, instead of giving more answers? You know, what is your strategy to when you are starting to have that reactive defensiveness to stop doing it, and breathing is great to get it kind of like in that, Okay, stop, but then have a method to do it.
And my method, quite honestly, is to ask questions. And it you know, I'm one of these people that silence is not so easy for me. And keeping my mouth shut as much as I'd like to, I'm not so good at it. But I can ask questions instead of making statements. And by asking questions, I don't come across as aggressively and defensively. But I also don't give up as much, right. So, it's not really just for the benefit of the other person. But really, not to stoke them more, and also keep my own stuff a little closer, so that I have more control. So, I can ask questions, as opposed to getting defensive. Okay, so that's, that's an example. I see oftentimes doesn't happen often. But when it happens, I do a debriefing with myself, like what happened? Why did it happen? Who was it, make a note of it, keep a little, I have like a little yellow sticky on my computer kind of thing. And I put like these people, this is what they do. So that I remember next time, when I have to meet that person, that I had that reaction in the past. And like taking an allergy pill almost, you know, preparing myself to meet that person is just a matter of going, Okay, slow down. Remember, this is what happened last time this person does this to you just breathe and ask questions. So not letting it flee through, right. And this is part of everything that I preach and everything that we do at the institute as we go through life, and we meet people and we do things and we kind of pass through and then it happens again, and we do it again. And the cycle repeats. And it doesn't help us get more confident, it doesn't help us learn and change the behavior that we actually want to be. But if we take a note and realize that we have a chance to actually improve, it may not be complete improvement, but it's at least in the right direction. And each time we do that we get a little bit better and better and better. So, we then meet the next guy with a mustache, and we remember, they're not there to hurt me. They're not everyone's creepy, and we're gonna put their face in mind kind of vague. But needless to say, if we take note of these people that kind of make us act and behave in a way that doesn't make us feel good, we can deal with it better, doesn't mean we can avoid them. or avoid people like that. But we can deal with those types of people better. So that's really, really important.
The other thing I want to stress is that even if you act out of sorts, even if somebody makes you behave, so to speak in a way that is not your best. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, it doesn't mean that you can't do better next time. And honestly, I'm not even sure those people necessarily notice. You know, I think part of the rumination is I let them get the best of me. I let them win, I let them control my behavior is not really always true. I don't think they'd necessarily do it on purpose. I don't think they necessarily notice. So be a little bit less harsh to yourself a little bit less critical and remember That people who get under your skin and get your goad are really the ones that are having the confidence crisis, not you. You just didn't act in your best self in your best interest. And that's okay. Because tomorrow, later on today, you can recover and do better. They probably can't. They're stuck in their own negative, not confident cycle, but you don't have to be there too.
So, can you be more prepared for those kinds of people? Sure, let's recognize who they are. let's recognize why if we can they get under our skin, let's be more proactive and prepared when we come in contact with them just like we would if we knew we were going to have an allergy to a particular food or plant, we would either avoid or somehow prepare ourselves better to deal with it. And most importantly, again, maybe just maybe, don't be so serious about your reaction as much as your ability to learn and grow from it.
Alright, so I definitely want to hear from you on your opinions of this. This is something I know is a little bit academic and out there but at the same time, like it just bugs me all the time. Whenever I come into contact with somebody who throws me and my behavior in a way that I just don't like so let me know if it's happened to you. Your suggestions are always welcome.
So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website, www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/Podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get competence for yourself is to give it to others and you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered, or ones you'd like me to consider for the future.
So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world. This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.
