EP 11: Making Pet Peeves Productive
If you're smart, work hard, but just aren't where you want to be, welcome to your podcast, Feal Confidence. I'm your host, Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science. some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get to it.
Alyssa:
One of my favorite tools that we have at ACI is what we call inside out pet peeves. And I'm going to tell you a little bit about the tool but let me back up before we get to kind of how to do it and use it as to why. No, pet peeves are fascinating on an intellectual kind of psychological front, because a pet peeve if you think about what it is, it's something that kind of ticks you off that aggravates you and has aggravated you more than once. And it's really easy to pick them off. And what I mean by that is, when I asked you to think about a pet peeve, you're going to be like, that's a pet peeve of mine, or that's a pet peeve that you have right? Right away, you can access it, I have a better chance of having you remember a pet peeve than what you probably had in your last meal. Because we remember pet peeves because they’re emotional reactions. And little bit of brain science is you know, neuro nerd here, because that emotional center lives right near your memory, and it gets baked in it gets zapped when you have an emotional reaction to something.
Now, a pet peeve, what it really is, is a transgression of your values. Whoa, Dver what does that mean? It means that there's something that's important to you something that is really a value to you a belief of something that you see importance or value in that somebody else doesn't. That they don't respect, and they transgress it and so that frustration that anger that emotional response to Damn it, why aren't they respecting that triggers that emotional trauma, micro trauma in your brain and you remember it.
So let me give you examples. Typical pet peeve people will say is I hate it when other people are late. You know, if you're somebody that's a stickler for being on time when somebody else's late it pisses you off. Pet peeve. Another pet peeve might be I hate when people interrupt. I hate when people interrupt, because they're not listening to me, you get it, right. So again, the value is you're not being respected. They're not listening to what you have to say they don't think what you have to say is important enough, and they interrupt so it becomes a pet peeve.
Now, most times when pet peeves are triggered, we just get angry, pissed off, whatever. And we know that when we are in that state, our brainstem gets into control. And sometimes we don't act at our finest. So, if somebody is late, you may say to them in an aggressive way, you're late. Or you may not say anything, but you're harboring that frustration, anger, and it comes out in some other way, shape or form. In the best case, so when I mean best, the least visible to other people. It makes you angry and anxious inside, you know, it's just not productive. Pet peeves are our bodies and our brains way of signaling to us that our values are being transgressed that something's not right in the world, and we should do something about it. So, if we don't do something productive, we harbor it, or we express it in a negative way. Not so good, right.
But we can use the signals in a productive way. So, one of my biggest pet peeves and I say one of my I have lots everybody has lots, one of my biggest pet peeves is when I'm having conversation with anyone, particularly a friend and they don't ask me about me. They don't ask how I am, how my work is, how my life is, they don't really inquire about me, but they want to go to great extent to tell me about something about them. And only them and I might have a 45-minute conversation with somebody, party, or meeting or whatever it might be, and they never even asked me about me. Pisses me off. Bet it pisses you off too. What really pisses me off is how common it is, but that's a different social issue. Very rare to find somebody these days who actually shows interest in other people, sorry for the social commentary but when it's a friend or relative and you're having this conversation, and you're asking about their work, or you're asking about particular experience they had, you get into great depth and there's time and space to have a conversation and they never asked you about you. Oh, number one pet peeve on my list. So again, we can make some choices. We can get aggressive and obnoxious. Hey, you want to know about me.
We might not say anything, and carry that anger and frustration with us not, good for our health. We might even take it to another friend, can you believe that she never even asked me about me. And we may ruminate about it, lose some sleep, all the things that are not productive. But there is a better way to deal with these things. There's definitely a better way to do and that's where these inside out pet peeves, this tool, this technique, if you will, it's not really a tool, it's a technique can really, really help. So, if you're curious, let's give our sponsor just 30 seconds of airspace here. When we come back, I'm going to describe for you how to use this technique. So, you don't have these little micro aggressions, and can use your pet peeves to great advantage. We'll be right back.
This podcast was sponsored by the American Confidence Institute, ACI trains smart, hardworking people how to use basic brain science to more effectively coach themselves and others. ACI is endorsed by top universities, The Strategic HR Management Association, and International Coaching Federation. Learn more about ACI’s uniquely empowering keynotes, workshops, eclasses, and coaching certification at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.
Alright, are you read, here is the technique again, it's called inside out pet peeve. So, I'm going to invite you to pick any pet peeve that you have. And I'm going to use my own the one I described as the example. But pick your own if you get annoyed when somebody doesn't drive, somebody doesn’t use their blinker, for example, in the car in front of you or it can be anything. But my pet peeve again is when I have conversation with somebody, and they never bothered to ask me about me. I’m giggling, I shouldn’t be giggling. It's not funny. It's just ridiculous, right? It is preposterous. So, if that's the pet peeve, again, pick your own, you turned it inside out. So, you start with the statement, I hate it when. I hate it when I have a conversation with people, and they never asked anything about me. I hate it when fill in the blank, fill in your pet peeve.
To turn it inside out, you start the sentence with, I appreciate it when, again, in my example, when I have a conversation with people, they make a point to ask me about my own life and work. So, we're turning it into a positive statement. Yes. But what we've done is we've now created a statement about something that we value, we value it, and people actually ask me about me now why it shows me respect. It shows interest, it shows empathy, all that all the stuff that I value, but it's a value statement in and of itself. I value when people actually ask me, I appreciate it when. That's a really good thing to not just state but recognize.
Now what can we do with that statement, with that value statement, we can do two things. One, when somebody does that behavior, when somebody actually asks me about my work or my life, I can pull out that statement very easily and say to them, hey, I really appreciate it when people ask me about that. So, reinforce behavior that we want, maybe even expect from our family and friends, to let them know that that was good, good boy, good dog. It’s a great tool. We can also use that statement when somebody doesn't do it. So instead of getting aggressive and defensive and be like, hey, wouldn't hurt to ask me about me. It's really upsetting you in that conversation or after the fact you can go back to that person with the statement. You know, I really appreciate it when people ask me about my life and the conversations, work and at home that you can use to help change behavior to express something that's important to you that is of value that other people, let's assume they're not even aware, at least now can learn and hear from your things that are important to you.
Now, does that mean they're going to change their behavior immediately? Absolutely not, unfortunately. Do you have to say it maybe two or three or maybe 10 times before they get it? Yeah, sorry. Just true. But it certainly is a better shot at getting what you want than being aggressive and nasty. But you can motivate people through fear. I talk about this all the time when I'm teaching classes about coaching for great leadership or any kind of leadership class that I run we get into this you know you can motivate people through fear. I do it all the time. Salespeople do it all the time. You can also motivate people in a more positive productive way. And this is a technique inside out pet peeves is a great way to communicate what you would like, doesn't hurt somebody, it doesn't criticize somebody, it doesn't put them on the defensive. It expresses something that's important to you.
So how are we going to use these? Next time you have that moment of, get frustrated, angry, something happens, take a mindful moment go, okay, pet peeve, something's been transgressed. Some value of mine is not being respected. Identify what it is. I hate it when. Flip it inside out, too. I appreciate it when. Put that in your vocabulary bank, in your little notepad if you want, and utilize it in a more productive way. I would simply, absolutely love to hear not just your pet peeves, I love hearing pet peeves, but also maybe some experiences you have using this technique and hear how it goes for you. So, before we completely wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other episodes can be found on the website www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again, that the best way to get confidence for yourself is to give it to others and you can do it so easily just by liking and sharing this episode on your favorite social media channels. You can even give me some confidence fuel by sending in any comments about the topics I've covered, or ones you'd like me to consider for the future. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver, thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world. This podcast was produced by mindful media.
All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.