REAL CONFIDENCE Episode 4 - The Opposite of Confidence is NOT Insecurity
If you're smart and work hard, but just aren't where or who you want to be. Welcome to your podcast. Real confidence. I'm your host Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of brain science, so surprising social secrets and a touch of tough love. Well, I, because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental, right. And choice. So, let's get to it.
Today's topic is definitely one of the most controversial things that I have talked about over the years. People always kind of come up and debate me on this and inevitably understand why I say that the opposite of confidence is not [00:01:00] insecurity. Now the English language is really tricky. And we're going to talk a lot about semantics in this podcast and any word lovers out there, stay tuned.
You're going to love it because in the dictionary, the definition of confidence in any dictionary is something like this: It says when you have certainty about the truth of something, certainty about the truth of something. So today in New England, as I'm recording this podcast, it's a beautiful sunny day.
There's not a cloud in the sky this morning when I woke up early, turned on the news weather report was that it was going to be very beautiful, no chance of rain. And the true tale is that my hair is not frizzy today. So, I'm going to say confidently, it is not going to rain today here. Simple example with the data that I have, I can make a decision that the truth is it's not going to rain.
Now here's where there's a little bit of nuance because in every one of these decisions, whether we're talking about the rain or I'm talking about the likelihood of the bear stock market continuing, or that COVID is going to be a memory by year 2022 and whatever you want to talk about, the truth of that situation always has a small deviation, a small possibility, a probability that it's not right. That it's not correct. That it's not true, but we live and accept that small possibility. Statistically speaking, kind of a standard deviation, if you will, of maybe the weathermen were wrong, maybe my hair just happens to be not frizzy today, but I'm still confident enough that it's not going to rain.
Now that word enough is really important. It's not in the dictionary under the definition of confidence, but in absolute reality, that's what it is. Is that you're confident enough that you're certain enough about the truth. Okay, great. For all the word worms out there, definition at all, how does this apply to ourselves?
Right. When we're talking about self-confidence, what's the truth? What are we seeking as far as certainty on that? And it boils down to having certainty, having clarity as it's often called about what we value, what we need and what we want. Now think about it this way, you see a pair of shoes in the store and you're like, oh, I really want those.
So the question becomes the truth of, do you really want them or not. And if you say I really, really want them, then you're confident you want them and you're going to most likely buy them again. Very simple, maybe silly example,but because I've checked in with my values needs and wants. I know I have that rule book to rely on to tell me what's true or not.
So in other words, think of them as maybe boundaries or those bumpers you put in the bowling alley with kids where you say, as long as the ball's rolling in the middle, my values, needs and wants are going to keep me from veering outside of the lane. That if I check in with myself and I say, I value this, I need it and or I want it, then that is the truth that I can be confident about. All right. So again, academically, definitionally, it's very interesting. I'm sure. But how does this apply in real life? How does it boil down to something that's practical? Well, let's take something that's a little bit more substantive than buying shoes.
Maybe it's giving a presentation. More people in the world report they'd rather die than actually give a presentation. I'm not making that up. Trust me. Now there's lots of reasons why people have fear of presenting, but if you think about being asked to present and having that manic panic moment of, I can't do this, I'm not good at it, I suck at this, and you say to yourself, wait a minute, time out. I value doing presentations, or I value this as a career move. I really want to do it, and I really need to do this for a whole bunch of reasons. And you check in with yourself on that, you can actually really be certain that you're confident you need to do this, and you will figure out how to do it.
If anyone of those truths is not true, I don't really want to do it, or really don't need to do it, then you become not confident in your decision and or your ability to do it well. So those bumpers are your rule books. They're your guidebooks, the value needs and wants checklist that says, yes, this is true.
I want to do this, I can do this, I am able to and I’m going to. Again, very academic and I apologize for those of you out there. We're going to get really real right now, because if you accept that definition, if you say yes, that makes total sense. Then the opposite of confidence is not insecure. Again, insecurity can be embraced.
It can be something that you say. I just suck at that. I'm not good at it. I don't want to do it. I don't like to do it. Don't ask me to do a spreadsheet. Don't ask me to do a Cartwheel. There's a bunch of other things that I don't want, don't need, don't value. And subsequently I'm cool with those because it makes room in my life, in my head and my financial wealth, my financial ability and my time, and all kinds of other assets for do focus on the things that I'm really good at that I really enjoy that I value need and want. So, the lack of confidence in certain things that I can or should do don't factor into my, they don't deteriorate my confidence.
I allow them to be quote insecurities I'm insecure or uncertain. That I really want to value do those things. But when I make the decision that, you know what I really don't want to, I'm not interested in those things. Guess what? I'm not confident. So, my friends, before I tell you what the opposite of confidence is, I want you to think for a minute, but if you are checking in with your values, needs and wants, and you're making those conscious decisions about the truth for yourself, I want those shoes.
I'm going to buy them. I need to present to do this for my job, so, I'm going to figure it out. I value that friend, so, I'm going to spend more time with he or she. You make those conscious decisions based on your values and these rocks; you're going to act more confidently. That's simple. So now think about what the opposite of that would be.
The opposite would be not respecting those values needs and wants. Transgressing those values, needs and wants. And doing what you do not believe is true for you. So not spending time with that friend, maybe not buying those shoes that you really, really wanted, not doing the presentation that you know you need to do for yourself.
And the opposite of confidence in that light is guilt. When you feel guilty. It is a way of your brain saying, hey, you didn't respect your values needs and wants you transgressed. You did not follow your own rule book. And you did something, you behaved in some way, you acted, reacted, interacted in a way that disrespected your values needs and wants.
Huh? Think about that for a second. Whoa, kind of heavy stuff, right? English language. It says a little tricky because we often label things and then don't recognize the truth about what they really are. Guilt, whether you self-impose it or you get it from a mom or anybody else, guilt is only felt when you don't value your own values, needs and wants.
Nobody can guilt you into something if you don't let them, how many people do, you know don't prepare for something? Maybe they don't prepare for a presentation. They jump on stage, and they get out there confidently. It's all good. It's because they didn't let values needs and wants get in their way. They were like, you know what?
It's not that important. Or I got this. It's fine. Right. But at the core of that, at the core of it, it's aligning to what they value needed want. And when it's aligned with that, that's when you're confident. All right. So, we are going to take a quick sponsor break and when we come back, I want to dig into how do we deal with this?
What do we do to overcome that guilt, overcome the not confident stuff, and find a way to really do what we need to do to value our values, needs… values needs and wants. Boy, it is time for a break. I'll see you in a few.
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All right. We're back on real confidence. And again, this is Alyssa Dver. I am going to now dive into remedy into solution because you know what, it's really nice to talk about words and issues and concepts and topics. But if we can't do anything about them, let's not. Let's not even think about just being smart and not so strategic.
Right. We're going to be both always. So here we go. So, what is the probable we transgress when we don't respect our own values needs and wants, and we don't act, and we don't allow ourselves to make confident decisions, all kinds of crap can happen. Right? Of course, you know, you don't do the presentation.
You don't spend time with that valued friendship. You don't do the things that you really value need and want, of course, and subsequently we feel guilty. We feel lousy. We feel less than. We feel not enough. So that certainty about staying in our lane in our rule book, staying aligned to what's really important to us when we don't do that, we feel crappy. Right. So, we're going to not do that. We're going to try to not do that. And of course there's the real problem. Is that feeling of not feeling good? Right. So, when somebody says to me, I don't feel confident, I will say to them, what does that mean? Why, why is that a problem? You know, being not confident isn’t the problem.
What's, what's the problem. And the problem has to boil down to something that you really want or need or value. Again, you probably sick of me saying that already, but one of those things is not being served. So, figure it out. What is it that's not being served and serve it! Again, if you can narrow it down to a particular situation, the examples they gave before is maybe giving a presentation or spending time with a person that really means something to you. Maybe it's buying something that you really wanted for a long time. And being really honest with yourself that that's something you really want or need or value. And you're going to do something about it that you're going to live true to that rule.
Now don't question whether you really need it or want it. That's not what I'm asking you to do because quite honestly, you really would want it. Good! You really want that pair of shoes. Good. Just be really honest with yourself. Why? Why, why do you value? Why do you need, why do you want that thing? Is it because everybody else has one and you just want to fit in? Again, maybe that's enough, justification for you, or maybe it's that realization that it's a superficial need and want that it's something that you really don't need or want you just want to be cool. All right. And again, for each person it's going to vary what's really important to you, but when you make that confident decision, this is why I want that. This is why I need it. This is why I value it. And this is what I'm going to do about it. That's where your confidence is totally, totally lit.
That's that decision it's that conscientious “yes,” this fits into my truth. So, we're going to be able to do that. Now, what happens? Let me ask you to think about this what happens when you're confronted with an issue, something that all of a sudden makes your confidence take a nosedive, you know, maybe there was an attached or an email that somebody's read into and misread something you said, and all of a sudden, there's all kinds of heat around it, and you're feeling lousy, or you applied for a job or school and got rejected and you're just feeling crappy. You're feeling lousy again. That's the problem. It's not that you feel not confident it's that you feel yucky, that you want to get out of that trough of bleh.
So, how are we going to get out of that? Well, there's all kinds of tips and tools and our books at American conference Institute. There are all kinds of ways that we can really analyze and decipher what's going on. But I'm going to give you a real shortcut right now and the shortcut, the quick fix, if you will, is to stop and think about what you can learn from the experience.
Is to use that yucky feeling as a signal, as a moment in your life, because there are going to be hundreds, if not thousands of moments like it in the future, where you go, hmm. That didn't work. What am I going to do next time differently? What am I going to learn from this situation specifically to do better next time?
And in that statement, you're making a couple of declarative, shall I say confident decisions, A- that you're going to try again, but B- that the experience was still valuable, even though it sucked, and you feel terrible… when I make this a PC podcast, so even kids can listen. Yeah. So, you may feel like a loser.
You may feel like, boy, I'm just not lucky at that moment, but I want you to flip on its head because the only one who loses is the one who allows loss to be the end point, not, not part of the journey. Thomas Edison, one of the most famous, successful inventors, I think he still holds maybe the top number of patents ever.
Known for his innovation and genius. He said that he didn't necessarily figure any one thing out. He just figured 10,000 other ways that failed. And, you know, I think that's really powerful because when we talk about confidence and we talk about certainty again, you can be certain that this is the way I'm going to do something.
This is what I'm going to do. And it may not turn out the way you hoped or thought. In fact, you may try it, it may succeed. You may do it again, and it may fail the next time. So, the potent idea here is if we take this idea of values needs and wants and the definition and trying to not let ourselves be not confident, i.e.- not guilty at the end of the day, if something doesn't go well is to say, okay, what can I do differently?
Maybe better? Next time. All right. My friends, I'm going to let you chew on that cognitively. And in the meantime, I'm going to wrap up this topic for today. I want to remind you that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others. And so, you can do this just by liking and sharing this podcast on your social media channels.
I always appreciate your comments. I love to hear any topics or questions you'd like me to discuss on future podcasts, too. So, for now, this is Alyssa Dver. I want to thank you for helping me bring more confidence to the world.
This podcast was produced by Mindful Media. All rights reserved by Alyssa Dver and the American Confidence Institute. Music written and performed by Jeff Weinstein.