EP 142
Welcome, fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds, and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa:
Wee! We are gonna have some fun today because I have Paula Houlihan on the screen with me. You can't see it, but she's got a little pink going on in her hair, which I just love, and I'm jealous. But more importantly, she's a fellow neuro nerd. She is also a keynote speaker, an executive coach, and she's the architect of something called the Choice Mastery Model, which we're going to get into. You better believe it because it's science based, and we're going to be talking today about why people, particularly high performing professionals, get into little quandary when they have to make decisions under pressure. So, Paula, welcome to the show. And I, I have to know, I know your background originally, or your career originally, was senior claim specialist. I mean, how do you get from point A to point B? That's amazing.
Paula Houlihan:
Well, Alyssa, thank you for having me today. I'm really excited to be here and sharing this with your community. All right, so how did I get from corporate senior claims specialist to keynote speaker and executive coach, without going down a rabbit hole. I'll keep it short and succinct. When so back in 2010, I had been in that insurance industry for 15 years, and I received a life-altering diagnosis. My doctor basically said I needed to make some changes, or I wasn't going to be here in a year, and that completely blindsided me because when I went to the doctor, I didn't think of myself as burnt out. I didn't think of myself as having health issues. I just wanted a prescription to help with the energy because was I exhausted? Absolutely, but that was just. I think we think that's just part of success, right? When we're in those upper level positions, we expect that there's going to be some grind.
We expect that there's going to be exhaustion and stress and overwhelm, and it just completely blindsided me. So I went on a journey. I went back to college. I got a psychology degree because I wanted to understand one of the things that the doctor told me was I needed to make new choices, and that hit me hard because I thought I didn't choose this, and then I've come to realize that that diagnosis was the consequence of the choices I was making that I didn't know I was making, which brought me to really wanting to understand how we're making decisions because my life depended on it basically, and over time I have then stepped into coaching that led to executive coaching and then I used to speak to groups to get clients and I found out you can get paid to speak to groups so added that to my business model, and voila! That's how I got here, and it's been really fulfilling.
Alyssa:
And you're going to be an author eminently, which we're going to give everyone that information how to get later. But talk about a transformational journey in what you've done and are doing. It's fantastic, so great. All right. Well, I'm going to try and and keep my questions within our podcast parameters because I have 1000 things I want to ask you. I love talking to a fellow neuro nerd. You know, you you talk about decision making under pressure, and I think everybody has to do this, whether we like it or not. And you focus on high-performing professionals. Can you kind of peel apart, like, a little bit why high-performing professionals more than others? But like, what is happening that they're so reactive and not as intentional as they think or would like to be?
Paula Houlihan:
Yeah, great question. So, in my coaching with high performers for the past 14 years. One of the things I've noticed in myself being guilty as well, we tend to navigate to high demand, high pressure careers first and foremost. So we're under that environment where we need to make quick decisions. We have a lot of responsibility on our shoulders. We have a lot on our plate, a lot of workload to get through, and so we are doing the best that we can. We're making the best decisions that we can, and we think we're being proactive. But what's really happening is our brains are designed to be efficient, and especially when we are under pressure, there's parts of our brains that activate, parts that shut down. But short answer, our brains are designed to be efficient. So what our brains do in high pressure situations or stressful situations is it runs habits and patterns and default decisions, programming that we have given our brain over the course of our career because that's faster, that takes less energy. Anyone who's had decision fatigue knows what I'm talking about. It also takes less fuel. And honestly, if we had to consciously choose things in every moment, we'd never get out of the door in the morning. So it's not that having this auto response is a bad thing. It's only an issue when the programming and the responses and the default decisions don't match up with our goals and what we're choosing. And as we advance in our careers, our demands and our responsibilities grow and change, but our autopilot thinking doesn't unless we reprogram it.
Alyssa:
So that programming may have even served us in the past, but it doesn't serve us now. And yet we're still running the same scripts.
Paula Houlihan:
Absolutely.
Alyssa:
Makes total sense. And when the stakes are high, now I'm also going to ask you to get a little bit more definitive with me because I don't know about you, but I've been watching the show The Pit voraciously, and I look at that. That's high stakes. You know, I'm thinking the job I do is not such high stakes, but I think people would still call me high performing. So, you know, say can you can you peel that so people can go, yes, that's me, or no, I don't qualify.
Paula Houlihan:
Yeah, yeah. So high stakes is a perception that you have. So, what is high stakes for you? We, especially high performers, we have this concept that we tend to take on what's given to us because, yeah, we can do that too. And yes, we can do that. We take on other people's demands, other people's fires, right? And so we have this really high bar that we've set for ourselves, or maybe someone set it for us, and we agreed to it, and so that's what creates that high stakes. Now, does your career have high pressure? It may or may not, but you, as a high performer, tend to put a lot of pressure on yourself, which increases those stakes. If that makes sense.
Alyssa:
It makes total sense. Thank you for clarifying, because I don't want people to think just because they're not in an emergency room that high stakes don't matter because they do, especially in their own head. So let's talk about this conscious, unconscious or not conscious decision making and why is this happening? You explained a little bit before, like we our brains are trying to be efficient. They're trying to, you know, run the things that are close and easy to do. But like, why do most people kind of blindly just go through the you know that pressure in a way that is not so awake?
Paula Houlihan:
Yes. So Alyssa, when we are making decisions, we think we're choosing them proactively. We think we're being intentional because we're not unconscious, right? We are. We are thinking we know what's going on around us. What we don't know is the reason that over time we get frustrated or overwhelmed or stressed is because research in neuroscience and behavioral economics has shown us that as much as 95% of the choices we make on any given day are reactive; they're unconscious choosing, and because we are not unconscious, we're we're aware of what we're doing. We think we're making those choices, but what's happening is your brain is choosing for you, and it's something that unless we know how to look for when that's happening, that we can't shift it. So if you've ever heard words come out of your mouth and you didn't know why you said that, that's your brain making a choice for you. If you've ever overreacted to something or had a reaction to a situation where you're like, "why did I do that? That's your brain making a choice for you. So in those situations, we think we're choosing when actually our brain is choosing for us.
Alyssa:
All right, and you just said something magic to my ears: is when we know it's happening. So, how do we know that it's happening, and then what do we do to interrupt that pattern?
Paula Houlihan:
Yes, well, this is the crux of it, right? So that was the answer to how do I make different choices when my choices that I didn't know I was making was leading me down this path, right? So it's taking a moment of awareness in the moment. So when you start to feel pressurized, or when you start to feel stress, or even just in any moment, I call this a power pause. You just take a moment, take a pause, take a deep breath. This gives you a moment of awareness, which does a couple things. First of all, that breath is very important. It matters a lot because what it does is it interrupts the autonomic nerve. A system, so it lowers your heart rate, it reduces your blood pressure, and most importantly, it gives your brain just enough space to see more than the the issue or the problem that's in front of it that's triggering the situation. That reactivates your prefrontal cortex, which is the executive center of your brain, and now you can start to see how you can choose differently. Otherwise, your brain will react for you.
Now I will give a moment of caution here because this sounds really simple, and it is, but it's not easy to do sometimes in the moment when tensions are high or emotions are high, and that's okay. You're not going to reprogram your autopilot overnight. This is a practice. So if you can't do it in the moment, wait till later when you're less triggered, and look back on it then, because that will help you become more able to do it in the moment over time.
Alyssa:
Yeah, and so you know, profoundly put, I'm sure we've all had that moment where you get, for example, an email and you are like ready to attack that keyboard and respond. That's a signal to folks, right? Like that means that you're heightened for whatever reason. Again, you don't have to justify. You just have to know that you're heightened in a way that you're probably not at your most eloquent, and so just you can type, but don't send. Like putting it away, right? And those moments, I you know, over time, I start to learn. Yes, or even in person now, I start to realize that I just literally want to rip the person's head off, so I'll stop.
Paula Houlihan:
That's a clue.
Alyssa:
Yeah, it's a good clue, Paula, I have a sense, though, that a lot of people, and it might even be gender skewed in this case, aren't aware. They don't even realize that they're doing these things. They're harming other people, but it's not harming them in a way that they're recognizing that trigger. They're not recognizing that moment. So, with the folks that you've worked with, because you, you, you, you've got to see this. Like, does somebody need like a clunk on the head to say, "Hey, you know, under pressure, you act like a real jerk, or like, how do you intervene, or can you intervene so that they realize that they need to take that breath?
Paula Houlihan:
Yeah. So the first thing to think about is what is your perspective? Do you think that if only so and so did something differently, then it would be better, or if I could just control this, then it would be better? If you're looking outside yourself for the reasons why, then that's a clear signal that you are being reactive.
Alyssa:
And reactive decisions are not good because not only do they hurt you, but they hurt other people.
Paula Houlihan:
So you know they can. And I just want to clarify: so reactive decisions aren't always bad. As I said earlier, if they're aligned with what's important to you, your goals, and what you're wanting to achieve-that's how your brain is designed. Honestly, we couldn't function without that autopilot thinking. But when you're having a constant issue or constant struggle or a relationship constraint, right? Those are the things. If your reaction is, "This is happening to me, or "If only somebody would be different. That's a clue that you are definitely being reactive. And if your feelings are feelings of frustration or stress or resentment or anger, that's also a clue that you are not aligned with your autopilot thinking, your unconscious decisions are not aligned any longer with what's important to you.
Alyssa:
Yeah, and you know, for what it's worth, too. I mean, it's going to sound silly to a lot of people, but when you're hungry, when you're tired, when you're dehydrated, when you have had a fight with somebody else, you bring that into the room. Whether you think you don't or do, you do. You do. You bring it into the room. And I think, you know, even in my own marriage, I've noticed that my husband's a super early riser. He gets up at four in the morning every day, even on the weekends. And to me, that's super early. And by the mid-afternoon evening, not the best time to have a deep conversation with him because I know it's going to be confrontational because he's tired. He needs a nap, right? I think it's you know a lot of people don't realize when they're tired, when they're hungry, and yeah, you got to realize those things, my friends, because you're bringing it into the room, and you may not be doing your best thinking in those cases, right?
Paula Houlihan:
Absolutely, and how we feel is a big part. Whether it's emotional feelings or physical feelings, those engage with those unconscious parts of our brain that are then driving the decisions behind the scenes. Absolutely, great point to bring out.
Alyssa:
Yeah, I mean, you said fuel before. Like, if you're if you don't have that fuel for your brain, trust me, you're not going to be your best thinker. You're not going to do anything well. Keynote speech, write a book. You just can't do it. You think you're doing it great, but you're not.
Paula Houlihan:
And that's why it's so important because high performers also tend to try to find more time by cutting back on the things that they need to sustain themselves by cutting back on our sleep by eating on the run or skipping a meal or not exercising that's why these things are so critically important.
Alyssa:
Oh, I love that! I can't tell you how many times people say to me, "do you ever sleep? You know, they see the output, and I was like, "That's what allows me to put so much stuff out because I sleep like nine hours every night. "What? I'm like, "Ask my husband. Trust me. But that's what allows me to, you know, get so much done. And and I only learned that very late in life, so please, folks out there, listen to that.
Paula, this time has flown faster than I ever expected, of course. And I have one more question that I want to ask you, but I want you to save it for after our sponsor break because we've talked a lot about what people could do, should do, and kind of these, you know, almost mom and pop kind of advice things, you know, sleep more, eat, don't be hungry, all that. Great, but I know you've got some power shifts, and if you could bring at least one of these like major things that people can do very easily without sweating, that really changes their decision making. I think it would be a gem to me and everyone who's listening. All right, so we're going to be right back, and we'll bring that power shift with us.
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Alyssa:
All right, I'm ready, Paula. Yeah, I said power shift, but I know it's kind of small and easy to do. So, what what are these things that we can do so that we have better decisions and less conflict in our life?
Paula Houlihan:
So, as I mentioned earlier, I mentioned the power pause. This is critical, and it is what literally saved my life, and what has changed and allowed me to do what I do. It's also helped me make better choices, which then impacts and ripples out to everything. So, in the moment, if you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, or even if you're not, just get into the habit. I started in the beginning setting a timer to just do a power pause. Just take a moment and take a deep breath. Interrupt that autonomic nervous system. We get so used to it running that we don't know that it's being activated. And when you do that, that's when you get to assess. You're assessing in the moment. Am I being reactive or proactive? And this is a good practice to get into because then you're going to raise your awareness.
Now that you know if you're being reactive or proactive, remember one is not necessarily better than the other. Now you get to evaluate: Is my response appropriate for the situation that I'm engaged in, and is my response going to move me closer to the goal, or what it is that I'm wanting in this exchange, and if the answer is yes, you are doing good. Keep going. It's that simple. But if the answer is no, then we've got some reprogramming to do. And now that you've reacted your prefrontal cortex by asking these questions, now you get to look and choose differently because what happens when you when you activate that prefrontal cortex your vision is no longer remember I said you give your brain enough space to see more than what the issue is in front of you now you get to see opportunities and other options that you wouldn't have seen before when you're focused on the problem. Now that you can see what you want to choose differently, you take action, and that four-step process is the core practice of the choice mastery model that reprograms your autopilot. So over time, your automatic responses, your reactions are aligned with what's important to you.
Alyssa:
Yeah. Well, talking my language, my last confidence book was confidence as a choice. Said everything you just said, and then some. And so I love what you're saying, my friend. And I can't wait to hear more and get the book. So, what is it, and when's it coming out, and how can people find you in it?
Paula Houlihan:
Yes. So the book is coming out June 23 of 2026, so just around the corner, and it's titled Hijacked, and it's about the surprising neuroscience behind the choices we think we're making and how to take back the controls. Where you can get it, it will be sold anywhere books are sold, so on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, anywhere online. You can find it on my website as well, but that is PaulaHulehan.com, and you can also find me on LinkedIn or email me at paula@pahlahulihan.com.
Alyssa:
I love it. I love it. Thank you so much for sharing at least a little bit of this neuro wisdom and you know decision making and choice. It's all within my like favorite lane. So thank you so much for today, and good luck with the book. I'll be rooting and promoting it. Thank you so much for all the things that you did and shared today.
Paula Houlihan:
Thank you, Alyssa, and thank you for creating this community so people have a resource to help with these things. Lovely to be here.
Alyssa:
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein, with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
