EP 141
Welcome, fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds, and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa:
Given that whenever we talk about toxic bosses or toxic work environments or anything to do with bad managers, we get a lot of people downloading and commenting on these podcasts. So I thought let's do something like the 10 ways you can tell if your boss is not confident. All right, number one. These are in no particular order, of course. He or she never gives you credit, and that is whether it is in a group, or you one-on-one with the person, I guess a corollary could also be that they never really compliment you, especially in front of their boss. Right? We've all had those kind of people. Annoying.
All right, next, they deflect fault, meaning they never take responsibility for something that goes wrong. They always blame somebody else or something else. And again, another maybe corollary to that, something that's related, is that they never apologize. They never say "I'm sorry. They just make excuses for why something went wrong that has nothing to do with them.
Number three, they want you to copy them, CC them on every email. That is totally a sign of insecurity. No kidding. And related to that, but I'm going to put it not as a corollary, but number four because sometimes this happens in addition or instead of being cc'd on every email, they want to be in every meeting. At every meeting where they clearly have no need to be in many of those meetings, they're just there because they don't trust people, or they need to know what's going on, or just feel like they need the knowledge so that they can have some kind of sense of power.
Oh, so that brings us to number six. Ever have a boss that gossips about other people, other peers of theirs, or underlings, or overlings for that matter? Just gossips about other people in the organization. That's totally not cool.
Number seven. They don't offer you stretch opportunities. Those are ways that you can grow and improve and get some more development, so that you don't stay in the same job forever. So they may not be providing it to you because they want to keep you under their wing, literally, or They don't want anybody to grow except themselves, right? And maybe not even themselves, but needless to say, they don't want to see other people getting better. It scares them. It intimidates them.
Number eight. They complain that they never have time. I have no time to do all these things, and often it comes with. And no, I don't have enough resources. There's not enough people. I don't have enough staff. I don't have enough budget. I don't have enough something. So no, I can't do what you're asking, or I can't do what somebody would like us to do because we just don't have the time or the resources, it may be true, but confident people tend to figure out a way to do it, and certainly don't complain about that is the issue, or at least don't put it in that frame. Be more like, "Wow, I'd really like to help you out, but I need to spend some time and really reprioritize some other things, right? Or, as much as I would like to help you right now, we're just really short on people and budget, whatever. But complaining is certainly not a confident move.
All right, number nine. The boss doesn't. Challenge status quo. They never stand up to others based on something that could be improved or if something is wrong. And it's not a corollary per se, but it's really kind of a another way of looking at this is that they're always deferring to whatever the policy is, or they might just say, "Well, I know that's wrong, but that's just the way we always do it. So they don't have any balls. They don't stand up for doing the right thing, and rather just keep things the way they are, keep their head kind of in their shell like a turtle, because rather than create some conflict or some complexity, for that matter, they'd rather just follow the path already trodden.
Oh, number 10, and not confident boss is not going to share a lot about themselves. They're not going to share about anything that they do that's new or different because you know personally because they're worried that you may not like them or that other people will judge them. They're not going to tell you they went canoeing, or they sing in a choir, or that they love to play badminton. Whatever it is, they're not going to tell you because they're worried that somebody is going to use it against them. So hopefully, I'm sure at least a few of those. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have had a boss or maybe you have a boss right now that's like that. So you know my friends if you've listened to my podcast before I will never leave you hanging and say well that's just too bad I'm gonna give you some very tactical practical ways to cope with someone who is not confident, who happens to be your boss. All right, we'll be right back.
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Alyssa:
All right. right. Well, here you go. So you know, there's always options. You know, don't feel that you are in a situation working for somebody who is not confident, maybe even toxic in that regard, but somebody's just not confident that you just don't agree with their values, the way they operate. Of course, you can quit, look for another job. You can certainly address them. You know, go up to them and say, "Hey, but I want to give you some things that are a little bit less stressful, right? Because here's the thing: if you like your job in general, you like the people you work with, the industry, the kind of work that you're doing, and it's just this dumb boss who's not confident that just kind of crawls under your skin. Here's a couple things that, at least from a mindset mind shift perspective, will help. The first thing is, whenever that person does one of those not confident things, remind yourself that's a great example of the boss that I don't want to be.
So, if it ever happens someday that you're the boss of other people, you're not going to do those things because you you told your brain that's bad. Don't just get annoyed, and I say just annoyed. Don't get annoyed. Just realize it's that person being insecure, and remind your brain, I want to be a confident person, a confident boss. I don't want to be that kind of person, and they're teaching you in real time what not to do, so make it a conscious conscious lesson. That's hard to say. That whatever that specific behavior is, whatever that person is doing, whether it was on my list or not, you say to your brain, brain book. Market note to self: We are not going to do those things. And perhaps what you can also tell your brain is to remind them that that person's not confident. That they may be a boss. They may have a big title. They may be like in the C-suite. We see a lot of those behaviors from all levels, but feel sorry for that person. In your heart, in your head, know that that person something has robbed them of their confidence. Maybe it was a boss of their own that did it to them.
Maybe there's some other trauma in their life, or maybe they just don't have the toolkit and the benefit of some of the knowledge that you and I have to know that you can be confident, but you have to work out it. You have to think about it. You have to practice it. So I hope, I hope, I hope. I hope that resonated in kind of a fun, but also helpful way. Thanks for joining. Talk to you again soon. Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.