EP 139
Welcome, fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds, and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.
Alyssa:
I want to talk about intelligence and resilience, and it's a weird juxtaposition, perhaps because they're not the same thing. But you'll see that there are some really interesting similarities and also some myths. So let's start with intelligence because IQ, intelligent quotient, has been a measure of intelligence for decades, and we know that it's flawed. Any any measurement is going to have inherent flaws or biases, but I think it's really kind of old school. I'm going to take that back. It is old school because it really depends on how you're going to define intelligence.
You know, my dog and just about all other dogs can smell things a hell a lot better than us humans, right? So they can detect and understand who's been there before and what's coming and you know what's dangerous just by the smell, and we can't do that. I think that's an incredible measure of intelligence. It's just a different way of looking at it. What about bats? Yeah, those flying mice that, but they can see in the dark, so to speak, because they use radar. We can't see in the dark unless we have special technology. So bats have an intelligence factor that we don't have. Turns out plants have intelligence too. It's a really mind-bending podcast I was listening to recently talking about how plants bend to the light because they need that as a resource, they naturally do that. They actually will also bend away from invasive other plants, and it's kind of funny if you think about it because humans certainly don't bend towards things that are necessarily good for them, and we often do not get away from things that are toxic, so plants may be a little smarter than we are in that that way. So intelligence kind of be measured, kind of be measured. I'm not an expert on this. I'm not going to pretend to be, but I don't think IQ is certainly the right measurement, especially today, right? Because we have tools, not just the good old Google, but now with AI, where you know I watch my son and I'm doing it dozens of times a day too. Where there's like, hmm, I wonder, and next thing I know, I'm Googling, right? GTS, Google that shit, right? That's just like a natural reflex, and at the same moment, sometimes I'm going to ask Claude too, right? Help me understand this, boom.
So, I don't have to be intelligent. The new generation certainly realizes that they don't have to retain and be able to know things. You know, it'll be interesting to see what the next generation of Jeopardy players looks like. But you know, they don't feel the need to retain stuff. They just know how to get to it through the internet, particularly. So the intelligence that I think is coming forward, we you know see a lot now about critical thinking. Absolutely. What about resourcefulness? That either you know that something is available on the internet or not, and where to get it otherwise. But also adaptability, right? How can we adapt to whatever the information or the situation brings, and that leads me to resilience because resilience sometimes is mixed up with adaptability, grit, and other similar terms.
But resilience, the ability to kind of weather through things, I think is also really old school. I think it's outdated. I also think it sends a really negative message, because kind of baked in there is the message that life is tough, so you better suit up, be resilient, be like Teflon, right? When the pan heats up, you still can, you know, let things roll off your back. And I don't think that that's a healthy thing. I also don't think it's necessarily easy for a lot of people. I don't let things roll off my back easily. Never will. Never did. But this message of resilience basically is like, yeah, let it roll off your back, toughen up. It's hard, you know. You were laid off, or you have a health issue, or you lost a loved one. Well, you know, get through it, deal with it.
Maybe we say to people in a good space, let yourself wallow in the grief. Let yourself experience whatever it is that you need to experience. But define a period where you're going to say, "I'm moving on.” I don't know if I buy any or all of that at at all, to be honest with you, because situations like that are going to change us. They're going to change us emotionally, but they are certainly going to change us neurologically, for better or for worse. And so, rather than just say get through it, be resilient, let it roll off your back, don't think about it, and don't think about it in a way that you can actually get through it better, different, more prepared, or more appreciative, or more whatever. We just say, you know, be resilient. Now, I know people out there who are resilience experts are probably saying that's not what we do. But the word itself does imply all that, right? Because the reality is that we are telling ourselves that there's stuff out there. There's bad people. There's bad situations. There's bad this. There's stuff out there that's going to hurt us. That's going to harm us, and we know. And I say we, us neuro nerds know that when our brain detects something that is potentially harmful, we get to make that choice of how we're going to process it.
And resilience, for me, is in that fight or flight. It's actually down in the brainstem, where we're saying I'm just going to hide until this stuff goes past, right? And I'm going to fight or get quiet and let it just roll over me. And when it's gone, I'll pick my head up again. That to me is not productive. That to me certainly is not dealing with the reality of the emotional trauma with the with the opportunity to really process it in a way that we come out the other end, if you will, different, better, or at least whole doesn't happen in our brainstem. So I'm going to take a little break as usual, and when we come back, I'm going to give you a little bit of guidance as usual on how do we deal with these situations. And some of them, again, can be very traumatic. But even small things that happen that we're like, ugh. How do we get to be more quote resilient in a way that's productive, that's more adaptable, more resourceful, and of course, more confident? We'll be right back.
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Alyssa:
All right, so here we go, and you know this is always very hard because every situation is possibly different or a variation of what I'm going to tell you, and of course you yourself are special and unique. So some people may be better at doing some of these things and not so well, and that's okay too. But some of these steps, and I'm going to give you three things that I think can help no matter what, even if you try it a little bit or at least give it a go. I think it's worthwhile. So the first step is to really clarify, clarify what it is that you need to be resilient against. What is causing this need to be like buck up, you know, suit up and you know fight this thing? What what is it? Is it something like COVID? You know, getting sick is it something like, you know, a loss of something, a job, a loved one. What is it? Be really clear what it is.
And as always, I've all you know every pod dig deeper, go below the surface. So, am I really worried about getting sick, or am I worried about not having the ability to take care of myself and dependent on other people? Like, what is it that's really at the core of, oh no? What you know, the thing that you need to become resilient about. What is really at the heart of your worry? Once you understand that, you can really be a lot more productive on ways and ideas that can help fix that situation, or at least mitigate it. So clarify what it is that you need to be resilient against. Be really clear with that. That's one.
Two. It's easy for me to say adapt, right? Just adapt. It's not that easy, but I want to give you a mindset shift or a mind shift, as I like to call them, because adaptability or change can be very scary, particularly if it's big change things that you didn't ask to happen, like a layoff or loss of a loved one. I mean, certainly those are major life changes. So, while that change is going to definitely sting, I can't take that away from the situation. Perhaps consider some of the things that it might change or open up for you as a result. Now, I know this sounds really pedantic in some ways, but a layoff. Maybe there's a great job out there that you should have looked at months ago, years ago, or maybe it was the universe just telling you, "Hey, it's time to move on.” Right.
So flip the switch a little bit, or a lot of it to say the situation sucks. I'm frustrated. I don't want to look for a job. It's a terrible time to look for a job, but this is an opportunity to do something different, better, and the adventure of finding that thing can be really, really cool. Can be very exciting, right? If you've lost somebody that you loved, I'm not going to suggest you flip that switch and say, "Oh, but maybe I can go find somebody else I love.” That's not practical, and it's irresponsible for me to even say it. So I'm not going to suggest that. But is your brain saying, "I'm so sad that I've lost this person”, or is your brain telling you that hole that person is leaving makes me vulnerable to X? You know, I don't have somebody to do this with, or I don't have somebody to call when I'm feeling sad. Figure out what it is that that person's left you in inside feeling kind of missing, and you're not going to replace that person, but you're going to replace that activity, that task, that sense of what am I going to do? Fill that hole so that yes, you're going to miss that person, you the person that you loved or you you really appreciated, but the thing that they did that you appreciated, you could at least fill with somebody else so that you don't feel so self pity.
All right, so even in those circumstances, you can kind of flip a switch, or at least look for ways to fill some gaps in that. So be a little adaptable in that. The third is also one of these pedantic things when I say be resourceful, and I realize that be resourceful. But here's what I mean by it: if you don't know how to use Google properly, and I say properly, that you really don't know how to form a good query, and today, even in Google, it's an AI-based kind of query. Learn how to because the better you can use these tools and ways that you can ask them precisely. I need to understand or fix or address X, Y, Z. The more you can be precise about what X, Y, Z is, the better information you're going to get. And I find like a daily thing is there may be some decision I need to make. It could be I gotta replace a person, or this particular product's not working. It could be like this esoteric problem that kind of hurts my head, but if I break down that problem. Again, I really clarify it then I can really put in a good query to help me think through what are my options, and also where are the resources to help me get it done. So, yes, don't necessarily take everything it gives you verbatim. You've got to think through it. Maybe ask multiple engines the same question and compare those answers. At the same time use those tools because they are great thought partners, they are like having a coach anytime middle of the night Sundays anytime you need them to at least get your brain in a place where you're thinking through what is the potential solutions for this problem for this issue.
So in these ways, clarifying, figuring out how you're going to change or adapt, and getting resourceful, you're taking control of situations that you'll be better prepared to deal with, and when you come out through those situations, rather than being like Teflon and be like ta-da, I just you know ignored that issue, you actually are coming out a lot better, educated, a lot more prepared, and a lot more confident. All right, my friends. As always, it is an honor to be in your ears. So thank you so much for tuning in. Always looking for feedback. Take care. Talk to you next time.
Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.
Master editing done by Ben Weinstein, with original music performed and composed by Jeff Mitchell. Real Confidence is a production of American Confidence Institute. All rights reserved.
