EP 137: Real Confidence- That’s Not Confidence. That’s Something Else.

July 19, 2026

Hey. I need to clear something up, because we keep doing this and I'm going to lovingly call us all out: we're using the word confidence to mean about 47 different things and most of them are wrong.

We see someone dominate a conversation and think, "Wow, they're confident." Someone refuses to admit they made a mistake? "They must really believe in themselves." Someone walks into a room like they own the place? "I wish I had that kind of confidence."

Nope. Nope. And nope.

Here's the problem: when we don't understand what confidence actually is, we start comparing ourselves to the wrong people. We mistake arrogance for confidence. We assume overconfidence means someone's got it figured out. We wait for some magical feeling of certainty to show up before we let ourselves make a decision and all the while our brains are over here writing a whole dramatic story that may have nothing to do with reality. (Thanks, brain. Super helpful.)

This episode is a little confidence myth-busting, because the truth is way more useful than the version we've been sold. I'm going to walk you through what confidence actually runs on: knowing what information you have, knowing what matters to you and being willing to make a decision from there—even without 100 % certainty.

And if you've ever wondered why someone who seems "confident" makes you question yourself, or why you can feel completely capable one day and second-guess everything the next, listen in. Because once you understand what confidence actually is, and what it definitely is not, you stop chasing the wrong thing.

Episode Transcript

EP 137
Welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds, and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So let's get to it.

Alyssa:
An old, old topic that I've been writing for at least 10 years about, and I'm sure we've had at least three or four podcasts that have discussed it. But it keeps coming up, and I want to bring it back to the surface because it seems to be something that really stops people in their tracks, and that is when you are meeting somebody maybe for the first time, or you have somebody in your circle of influence that is either overconfident or arrogant, and people are like, "Is that confidence? They'll say to me.

So, let's talk about what confidence is, but let's start with what it's not. It is not arrogance. It is not arrogance, and the arrogant person who we probably have all come in contact with sooner or later, that has seemed to be confident, that appears to be confident. We do have that sixth sense about them because we go in our brain. Are they confident or not? They're very arrogant. They seem to be very self-sure. But arrogance, not only can we sense it, we sense it because we know they're not confident, but we doubt our own confidence about them. That's a brain bender. But here's what I mean: the arrogant person knows that he or she they are not confident. They know that in their head, and they're trying to fake you out. That's their game. They're trying to make you think that they know a guy and that they have all this and that and the other, and your little sixth sense, your witchy powers, whatever you want to call them, your intuition tells you, do they really?

So the moment that you're questioning that, that arrogant person is hoping that you're going to go full-blown brainstem and go, ooh, they're more confident than I am. That's the goal. That's the arrogant person's goal: is to make you believe that they're confident. In fact, more confident than you are, because you're you're going to doubt your own intuition. Ooh, so that's arrogance, not confidence. It's not. What about overconfidence? Somebody who's overconfident-that to me is really scary because they could be dangerous. They could be dangerous to themselves, and they can be dangerous to other people because they believe something to be true without any evidence. So maybe they think they can bungee jump, or they can do a particular project, or lead a team or anything that they fundamentally believe they're capable of doing, but you know, not even intuition. You know that this person is not prepared to do whatever it is that they haven't gotten the information that they are naive or they are otherwise uninformed, ignorant of what it takes to do whatever it is.

So overconfidence can really put people in physical danger, right? They themselves and others if they convince those other people. No, we, I got this. We we we can do this. We got this. I got this. I'm sure I know how to do this. Don't worry. But it's not confidence. It's overconfidence. It's ignorance, really, just wrapped up in a very confident wrapper. But that's not confident. Now I'll tell you a few things that confidence is not either. It's not a feeling. It's not a state of being. You don't. You're not feeling confident. You don't. You're not in a state of confidence, and it's not even consistent across age. It changes over time. We know that confidence starts really high when we're little, when we're about eight years old, and starts to go down about 16 and doesn't fully recover till 60. And again, this is aggregate data, so your results may have varied. But needless to say, the data tells us that our confidence levels change over our age. It also depends on what we're talking about, right? In abilities, what can we do with confidence? We I know how to do certain. Things and I'm really good at certain things and I'm not great at other things. I'll tell you, I am the world's worst typist, but I spell really well. So it's funny when people read my emails; they probably think that I'm not a very good speller, but I happen to be really good at that. I just type terribly.

So knowing where you can be confident, what things you can be confident in-that's part of being confident. But no, nobody's confident in everything, and of course, the situation itself. You know, I may be really good speller if I'm not in a spelling bee, where all the stress on you know winning may make my brain go sideways, right? So situations. situations really can challenge something that otherwise would be confident, and and that's okay. That's part of what being confident is: is recognizing that there are times where, you know, we're we're not our confident best, and that's okay. Confidence also isn't something you inherit. It's not a genetic trait, so you can't unfortunately blame that either. You can blame a little bit of your environment, what you've learned, who you've learned from, but it's also not something that you build. You know, you don't say, "I'm going to build my confidence. Now, there's things you can do to build confidence over time if it's conscientious, but you don't just get confident because you've been there, done that.

You don't get confident. You don't become confident because somebody inspired you. Oh, they did it, so I can do it. Our brains don't work that way, and it's a misnomer as well to say that I'm going to strengthen your confidence. Confidence is is very binary. You either are confident or not. Definitionally, it's you are or you aren't. It's kind of like I say, being pregnant. You're either pregnant or not. You're either confident or not. You're not kind of confident. That, I guess, technically an oxymoron. Kind of confident. It's not true. It's not possible. Yes or no. So, at the root of it, confidence is not only a decision. Yes or no. I am certain about this, or I'm certain it's I'm I'm not certain about it. I'm gonna do this, or I'm not gonna do this. I have enough information, or I don't. It's a decision, and that decision certainly has to be filled with enough knowledge and information that you can make a decision that you feel is true.

So the the example I use in a lot of our classes is, you know, if I know what the weather is going to be for the day, I dress appropriately. If I know it's going to rain, I probably grab a raincoat and umbrella. And because I've watched the weather report, maybe I heard that. I've asked Alexa what the weather's going to be for the day. Maybe I look at my phone. All this data that I get, I also look at my hair because it'll be curlier and frizzier if it's going to rain. So you know, there's all kinds of data that I would get for that. Subsequently, could I be wrong? Could my hair be wrong? Could the weather report be wrong? You better believe it. But we take that information and we make decisions based on what we are confident about, right?

So that's really what confidence is, at least technically. But from a self-confidence perspective, how do we define it for ourselves? You say that I am confident or not, right? So if somebody says I'm a confident person, no, because again, situations, different abilities, different days. You know, are they confident to do something when they are super hungry or super sick? Probably not. So it's not really a confident person. You confident in a in a decision or not, based on the information that's available that you have, or that you decide that you still need to have to make a confident decision. But again, how does that apply to us? Well, here's the thing. I use the weather as an example for a generic decision, but when I'm making a decision about how I want to behave, how I want to, what I want to do, and and what action do I want to take, the variables aren't the barometer and the humidity, right? The variables are what's important to me. What are my values, and if the decision fits within those values, then I can be confident it's the right thing to do. If the decision violates my values, then hopefully I make a decision that I'm not going to do it. But if I do it. I know in my gut that I violated my own values, and that is where confidence gets killed, crushed.

So, let me give you a more practical example. Let's say that I have a friend who I feel did something that really hurt me, you know that they didn't invite me to do something with other friends that was really something that I would have enjoyed doing. Okay, and I find out later they didn't invite me, so should I or shouldn't I say something to that friend? And going through the data that I have, you know, well, maybe they're really busy and they just forgot to invite me, or maybe they didn't want me there for some reason, or maybe there wasn't enough room for an extra person, or maybe they didn't realize I would have liked that. There's 1000 things could be why that person didn't invite me, so I'm not going to attack that person and say, you know, you should have invited me, but rather ask the question, hey, you know, I heard you did this, and I would have loved to join. Was there a reason why you didn't invite me? Because next time I'd I'd really like to participate, right? Asking those questions and being willing to hear the answer, even if it's something personal. Right, because my values are I don't want to impose, and I do want to be the best friend I can be. So for me, that's an important thing to understand. So making the decision to ask in a way that makes me feel more confident to ask, but also to understand, because I checked in with my values. Because I know that that's important. If I didn't ask, I'd go around wondering, hmm, I wonder what I did wrong, or you know, why didn't they right?

All those questions, all that rumination, because my values are driving me to say I want to be a good friend, and I don't know how to, because apparently they didn't invite me. Or I want to be a good friend, and at the same time I want to remind my friends that I really enjoy their company. You know, those are really important to be in touch with. The values, right? Easier said than done, maybe, but of course, at the institute, we have all kinds of great methods to really help people understand their values, how to make better decisions in light of those values, and also how to make decisions when those values aren't aligned, so that you can say confidently, no, thank you, or I do not want to do that, but I appreciate the offer.

Ooh, heavy stuff, right? Nah, it's not. Now here's the thing: when you make that decision, yes or no, based on checking in with your values, making sure that this is what I want to do because it aligns or doesn't align with my values. That's the confident moment. That's when you're stimulating your prefrontal cortex, that beautiful place in the front of your brain, the things that the the part that's referred to for executive functioning. Right, you're making a decision, yay or nay, but you're making that decision consciously. It's not out of fear. It's out of logic, curiosity, and it's out of a sense that I want to stay aligned with my values. Again, it sounds like that would be hard. It's not. It's a matter of identifying the moment where you're all of a sudden you're going. They don't like me, or this is scary, or, huh, I don't know what to do. Those moments. That's your amygdala. That is your amygdala moment telling you, hey, stop and think, figure out what is going on here. Don't react. Don't go cave person. Don't go back into your brainstem and assume that everybody doesn't like you because it's not true. But our brain likes to do some of those tricks on us, of course, right? So grabbing that moment when I started ACI, I had this wonderful thought partner, Lynette, if she happens to be listening, just know I still love you a lot. But she used to call that moment the itchy moment, right? You'd feel itchy, you feel a little uncomfortable, like you wanted to come out of your skin.

That's the amygdala screaming at you in its own languages, in its own language, saying, "Hey, stop and think, stop and think. Not stop and roll. Stop and think. So, sensing that, identifying that, we can do that. And the ability to do that is the skill of confidence. It's not because somebody's smarter. It's not because they have more information. It's not because they're more experienced; it's because they stop their brain from reacting when they have that itching moment, when they have that "I'd rather crawl under rock and die" feeling that they say, "Stop! Let's think about this. Let's get rational and let's put a game plan so we can deal with it. So, I'm going to pull out one tool from the ACI toolkit. All of it's in our e-classes. If you're interested, take a look. But this one tool is kind of a cool thing to do. It's it's particularly what do you do when somebody is persistently, consistently, I should say, the person that kind of throws you off your values. Maybe it's a friend or a relative or a boss that gets under your skin that always makes you feel itchy. We'll be back with some answers.

Want to level up your confidence, your career, maybe even your coaching? Well, then head over to AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com. E classes are there as well as our coaching certification program, and you don't need any coaching experience to do it. However, if you are an experienced coach, you can get ICF and SHRM continuing credit. It's fast and easy. If you work in an organization, consider bringing in a kick-ass keynote or a uniquely engaging workshop. We also have team learning programs, and they all apply to both your personal and professional life, which makes them really special. They're great for ERGs, the leaders, the member programming, or really any type of professional learning and development in your organization. So give us a holler at www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com.

Alyssa:
All right. Well, here we go. I'm gonna give you just one of many wonderful tools that we have that are super easy and see tools. It really isn't hard to use this at all. I call it "Who Are You Allergic To. So, if you have allergies, I do. Runs very much in my family. You know that you know certain pollens or dust or foods or whatever it might be trigger a reaction in your body. You know a physical reaction might sneeze, cough, eyes run, maybe sick to your stomach, whatever. Right? There's a reaction. There's a physiological reaction when you come into contact with whatever you're allergic to, so the same thing kind of happens. And I say kind of. Hopefully you don't vomit, but needless to say, when you come into contact with people that you're also quote allergic to, it's not that they're wearing something that makes you sneeze. It's that you know that when you come into contact with that person, it could be even in email, but on the phone or in person, they they make your skin crawl. They make you uncomfortable. They make you nervous. Okay, and when I say nervous, uncomfortably nervous, right? It's one thing to meet a celebrity and be nervous, perhaps, but I'm talking about people that you know, somebody at work or at home, or you know, friend, or somebody that just makes you a little bit out of sorts, or a lot of out of sorts. So you're allergic to them. You have a physiological reaction. You probably have an increased heartbeat. You might sweat a little. You certainly don't feel comfortable. You may even feel something in your belly, and again, I hope it doesn't make you vomit. But little butterflies, because stomach, brain, all connected, beautiful vagal nerve, right? Something that our bodies are saying, "Hey, you're allergic to this person. Realize that, and I say realize that is when you're feeling that, know that this person's triggering that for you. It's not your fault. It's their fault. There's something that they're saying or doing that you're reacting to, and it almost doesn't matter what it is. I'm not going to suggest that you try and change them, and I'm not going to suggest that you try and change yourself. What I'm going to suggest is you identify that I'm allergic to that person, which means what? Maybe trying to avoid them if you can, if it's viable, if it makes sense.

But also knowing that when you're going to meet them, that you mentally prepare. Now I know when we go to my sister's house, my husband's allergic to to cats, so he takes a an allergy pill, right? Takes a Benadryl or whatever. You can't necessarily pop a pill when you're going to meet a person, but you can mentally prepare for the fact that you're going to be with this person, so that you are a little bit more mindful of what you say and what you do, and maybe really observe them a little more carefully because underneath what's making you uncomfortable is probably their arrogance, or their lack of emotional intelligence, or something that's their problem, but it's making you uncomfortable. So rather than react to it or allow your body to react to it. Just take it in, look at it, be objective, be more of a an observer than a participant. But the whole thing starts with you being aware of who you're allergic to. So take a minute, think about anyone in your world that does that to you, that makes you kind of itchy, uncomfortable. And next time you're going to meet with them, see them, email them, just remind yourself you're allergic to them. Okay, that's all I got for you today. Definitely more tools, more information in the American Confidence Institute website and all the stuff that we do there, keynotes and e-classes, and also would love to talk to you about any of that. But if you have any questions or comments about today's podcast, those are invaluable. So please bring them on. Take care. Stay confident. Stay away from those people you're allergic to.

Before we totally wrap up, I want to let you know that full transcripts and show notes for this and other Real Confidence episodes can be found on www.AmericanConfidenceInstitute.com/podcast. I also want to remind you once again that the best way to get confidence is to give it to others, and you can do it just by liking and sharing this episode on your preferred podcast and social media channels. You can even give me some confidence by noting topics you'd like me to consider for the future. So for now, this is Alyssa Dver. Thank you for helping to bring more confidence to the world.

EP 137: Real Confidence- That’s Not Confidence. That’s Something Else.

Join Our Free Trial