EP 136
You welcome fellow confidence crusaders, neuro nerds, and success equalizers. This is your podcast, Real Confidence. I'm your host Alyssa Dver, and I'll be sharing a bit of basic brain science, some surprising social secrets, and a touch of tough love. Why? Because I believe confidence is everyone's fundamental right and choice. So, let's get
to it.
Alyssa Dver:
I love doing this podcast for a lot of reasons, but one of the reasons is when I get introduced to some amazing people, like the one you're about to meet too, my very wonderful listeners, because Lisa Tahir is not physically here with me, but she's on screen, on audio, calling in from New Orleans, a place close to my heart, and Lisa, you are you, but we are so many different hats, I can't wait to get into it. But welcome to the Real Confidence podcast,
Lisa Tahir:
Alyssa. Thank you so much for having me today. It's a real honor and pleasure.
Alyssa:
Well, let's just dive fast, because one of the things that I have, like 10 things that I need to know about you, but one of the things I really would love to know more about you to start is you've written a masterpiece called the Chiron Effect that was endorsed by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and so first and foremost, How did you get to the Dalai Lama? And then second, tell us about the Chiron effect.
Lisa Tahir:
Alyssa, the short story with His Holiness endorsing my book is that I desired his endorsement, and I realized I had to change some things about my own behaviors in order to be on the same vibration emotionally, so to speak, as His Holiness, when it comes to compassion, which is what he teaches, and I decided to clean up the way I can get very short on the phone with telemarketers, or when my internet's down and I'm on hold for 45 minutes, I felt led to start being kinder and less abrupt and short, and that was for about a year or so, and as I started to consciously clean up those areas, not be on the phone in the grocery checkout line, so real practical changes, I felt like I could email His Holiness with my request and receive his endorsement, which I did, so it was a real lesson, and whatever we want becoming it, becoming what it is that we want, so that we can easily receive it.
Alyssa:
Interesting. So, back to what is the Chiron effect? Is that a description of what it is, or can you get a little bit more?
Lisa Tahir:
Yeah, the Chiron effect. Yeah, thank you for that reminder. The second part of the question, the Chiron effect has to do with our confidence, truly, which centers on your show that I've really been enjoying listening to. We feel less confident, we don't feel like our full selves when we are holding judgments and criticisms against ourselves, and these are real inward things that people on the outside might not know, that we harbor resentments towards ourselves, disappointments, and we think that to change we need to be more critical and harsh, and that's not true. The method to heal is truly through self-forgiveness and empathy. Chiron is a planet in our birth chart, like you might know your sun sign or your moon, Chiron illuminates in your birth charts this area of vulnerability and wounding through self criticism, and once we know where Chiron is, it reveals one of 12 placements of wounding or vulnerability that we can start to address through empathy and self-forgiveness, and, and really, that's how I believe we become more confident to release the judgments and criticisms, and we're kinder to others as well, and we can show up as our full self.
Alyssa:
Yeah, I love that. Now, some people who are listening, I'm sure, are going, this is a little woo woo, a little, you know, not science based, as sometimes we talk about, you know, brain science and stuff on the show. However, your credentials are very deep. I mean, you have social worker credentials, you have coaching credentials, you may have a Reiki credential, which is very cool. And I'm curious, how did you kind of get into this space, and you know what, why, like, what was the impetus?
Lisa Tahir:
It's a great question, and for me too. The truth is that astrology surprised me as well, and astrology, for me, is a blueprint and a guidance, kind of a mapping, and I used to have a real issue and struggle with that, Alyssa, because I felt like I was being told these things are dictated to us for our lives, and I really push against that. I believe in our ability to change and direct our lives through conscious awareness and, and such, and the biggest download I had from source was Lisa, this is not prescribed to you or anyone else. You wrote your chart, you wrote the experiences you wanted to live and have. And now that we're here on earth, we get to change anything and everything. And for me, that was really revealing.
Chiron simply reveals who we are, that we like these secret places where we Chiron in Aries, it's a wounding in our self-confidence. No one can see that but you. But you are on this wheel of performance-based love and constant achievement. We see so many CEOs, the head of Kodak, that killed himself, feeling not years ago, feeling not successful enough. This is where really the rubber meets the road. It affects our lives deeply and profoundly to not excavate the areas of our lives that we're being this critical and judgmental, hiding in the shadows, pretending or acting, thinking we're going to be happy through more and more success, but when it's not truly what we want, it depletes us, and that's the only thing I can offer to you to consider it. People, when they read my book, discover where their Chiron is, it's always been really illuminating in a positive way. So, I can just submit it to you for your own, you know, your own experience.
Alyssa:
Yeah, you know, I've said more times than I can tell you. If you have any kind of way, it could be going to the Chinese restaurant and looking at the Chinese, you know, the signs and the new, the annual signs, and saying, 'Oh, yeah, that's me, that's not me, or reading your horoscope, or taking an assessment. It could be a formal assessment or not. I don't care what it is. If it causes you to pause and think about how you're showing up in the world, how you're showing up inside, I think it's all great. And, and I say, I think it's.. I know it's all great, because we're not, you know, you don't learn this in a schooling environment to sit there and go, okay, like you know, am I yelling at the service people, and is that really working for me? Right? Not so much. So, what are, like, some of the.. I guess when you are working with various people as a coach, and you know, you talk to an awful lot of people, I'm sure, who are like, want to know more, is there a common thread? Is it that they have bad background, bad, you know, upbringings, or what is it that leads them to a place where they're like, I've got to dig deep and I've got to do this self-compassion work. What is what are you hearing most?
Lisa Tahir:
Alyssa, what I've seen in my 28 years of being a licensed clinical social worker in both California and Louisiana is that people typically feel that there might be something wrong with them, and there's not. You make sense in the context of your life experience, and some of your life experiences very well may have been traumatizing, may have been confusing, and there becomes a disconnect between your brain and your body, and your body holds wisdom and intuition.
Bessel Vander Kolk, a dear colleague that speaks about the body keeping score, where these experiences, especially traumatic ones, resonate and kind of have a life of their own, and our minds, we want to be adults and move forward and just forget about all that stuff. Yet, if we don't look at our patterns and understand them, they tend to repeat. Freud called it the repetition compulsion, and I lay that out in the early stages of my book, leading up to encouraging you to want to understand your patterns through the life you have lived, the experiences you had, and most importantly, the meaning that you made about yourself from the experiences you might have deemed yourself unworthy, not valuable, and find yourself in relationships where people are taking advantage of you, for example, or in business you're not earning the money that you desire, because you might be kind of like giving it away, so to speak, instead of really owning it and charging the price it deserves and is worth, and so these things really are evident in that way. Does that answer your question?
Alyssa:
Yeah, no, it totally does, in a lot of ways. You know, I've also really found a lot of very clinical data and research about how the body keeps score, particularly when you are kind of self-flagellating on your confidence, right? Like, I'm not good enough inside, there's a little wheel going and. Next thing you know, your back, you know, it gets thrown out, right. We know these things to be true.
I think there is an interesting aspect that you added to it, which kind of is entertaining me a little bit, because I had this conversation with my husband the other day about he's got some pinched nerve thing going on, and they can't really figure it out, and I'm like, you're doing something over and over again that you're not aware of, right, causing it. You need to, when it happens, stop and go what did I just do? And then I had an issue with my computer, and he said the same thing to me, about, you know, when that happens, you need to, and I said to him, yeah, see, I told you so. Like, to fix a problem, you gotta be aware what's causing the problem, and often it's something like you said, it's a repeated behavior, and I think.
Lisa Tahir:
Or a thought, it might be. What are you thinking? I would encourage your husband, what is he thinking in the moment he feels that pain? What is he ruminating upon?
Alyssa:
Absolutely, and you know, I mean, any kind of therapy, occupational therapy, psychotherapy, I guess, probably psycho astrology too. It's like the same, like stop and again, whatever your assessment method is great, but I want to hear a little bit more. If you'll share, like the astrological kind of, how does that play in, given what we've just said? Like, okay, I'm doing something that I probably don't even know I'm aware of, but now I have maybe a way to organize it, or how does that connect with what you're doing?
Lisa Tahir:
A framework. Yes, I think knowing where Chiron is in your birth chart, say if your Chiron is in the sign of Pisces, it speaks to this Mother Teresa had her Chiron in the sign of Pisces, and we know how powerfully, you too.
Alyssa:
Yes.
Lisa Tahir:
Okay, wow, yes. That she, my intuition thought, possibly that was where your Chiron is. So, yes, so it's about you love to help people, but the danger is you probably in your past over gave and even gave to people who might not have, say, necessarily wanted your help, but it's so obvious they need it, and in those situations you might be met with, hey, like feeling angry or upset or resentful, that like I'm doing so much but not being appreciated or thanked, for example, but it might be because the person wasn't ready for the help they need, and you could so easily discern that and starting to give it, but without the person's conscious permission and desire to change, it can be met with like an unwelcomeness. Yes, exactly. Defensive, and that can be really depleting for you, Chiron in Pisces individuals. You love to serve, as Mother Teresa did. And in my book, I give the aviation when you walk on an airplane, you're sitting there, they say, "Put on your oxygen mask first, even before your children, which is kind of radical. This is for you, Chiron in Pisces, to really replenish, oxygenate yourself, care for yourself, and try to give from more overflow, and make sure the person that you desire to help wants the help, so asking permission, so to speak, so you're not over giving and being taken and being undervalued.
Alyssa:
Yeah, I appreciate that. Well, you've led us to a perfect spot to take a very quick sponsor break. And when we come back, you know, are there specific things now? I know everybody has different chirons and therefore would have different next steps, but you know somebody who's listening to this, going, "huh, maybe this is for me. If you could give some tips of like what's a really good next step, and then of course at the end we'll direct them to your book and website and all that good stuff, but just in general, what should they be, should they do like right now after the podcast is over. So we'll be right back with Lisa. Hang in there.
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Alyssa:
All right, Lisa, so I just took away from your last comment as a Pisces type of gal that I should be a lot more aware of the timing, maybe of my service and offerings, and being more tuned into people are ready and willing and interested in getting help, and I think that's a great tip. Is there some other things that other folks who are listening can do immediately?
Lisa Tahir:
Yes, Alyssa, and one of my favorite techniques that I want to put out to you, a lot of times when there's been a wounding in a relationship, especially, and we don't receive an apology, the person might not feel, for various reasons, the need to apologize or not able, whatever that is, and we're left like holding this experience, and not sure how to heal and move forward from it, because an apology from someone obviously makes it easier to heal and move forward, but in the absence of that, something I offer you is to imagine that scenario and just close your eyes and place your hands over your heart space and really tap into the part of you that felt hurt, upset, wounded, and you're left with that, and just to breathe in and say, I'm just so sorry you went through that, I'm just so sorry that that they treated you this way, I'm just so sorry you had to endure that, and just to take a few moments, what do you need from me? What do you really need? Because I'm here for you, Lisa. Say your name. I'm here for you, Alyssa. I'm here for you. What do you need to move forward from this experience? And I'm just so sorry, and and take some time to be with that part of yourself, and it's going to start to lift and change, and you're going to be able to heal yourself from experiences where the other person isn't able to meet you there, and it's going to really give you some emotional freedom and peace, and your confidence back.
Alyssa:
That's beautiful. I love that. I don't know if you're aware of this, but there is a lot in the Yom Kippur service in the Jewish religion that basically says you have to forgive no matter what happened. If the other person hasn't forgiven, you know, has an apology, you forgive them for your sake as well as for theirs, right? Because you're holding the energy, you're holding that negative activity, and that's not helping you, and that other person probably is not even, doesn't care, doesn't know, doesn't matter, and I think that goes a lot, a long way to just kind of let go of all that, you know, negativity and anger and frustration, that quite honestly, I don't know, I don't think there's much you can do except say to that person, you know, you owe me an apology. Okay, yeah, move on.
Lisa Tahir:
And I think the bridge, Alyssa, truly is first forgiving ourselves for, because we might judge ourselves for how things happen. How are we supposed to forgive others if we don't even know how to forgive ourselves? And that's where my work really steps in. Start with you, and then deal with the other, you know, but start with you first, and there's typically layers of forgiveness, as there are layers of unforgiveness, so to be mindful of that deeper dive into things.
Yup, and making that choice, as I consistently use that word in my books and things, is making a choice is the most empowering thing I think we can do for ourselves as well as for others. So, Lisa, we scraped all of this very gently, and I want to dive deeper with all your cons content, and I'm sure there's other people that would like to take a look. What's the best way to reach you, and where can they find more about you?
Lisa Tahir:
Thank you, Alyssa. My website is NOLAtherapy.com. It stands for New Orleans Los Angeles therapy.com. Nola Therapy is also my Instagram, and my book is available everywhere: Amazon, walmart.com, in Barnes and Noble stores. And if you have a local bookseller, because I love local bookstores, you can go in and give them my title, and they'll order it for you, so you can support your local bookstores.
Alyssa:
I love it. And again, the title is The Chiron Effect with Lisa Tahir. I am so grateful for your sharing today, and the work that you do overall. Thank you so much.
Lisa Tahir:
Thank you for your time.
